(no subject)
I am so confused right now and I don't know what to think. My mind is lost and I want it back. The first time was special because it was with someone that I loved and still do. I made the mistake of saying that it wasn't special and I'm so mad at myself for saying that because I didn't even realize that I said it until he told me. Ever since the first time all I can think about is when can I get it. It's causing more problems than I thought imaginable. I'm so mad at myslef for making a decision that could cause this many problems. All we do is fight and I hate fighting because I always end up getting mad at him for no reason at all. Then he gets mad at me and he has a right. But now all I wanna do is go back to being the one I was before we had any of these problems. I didn't have to worry about it and I was daddy's little girl. I was momma's sweet angel and now I'm grown up and I don't want it. I was ready the day it happened, but now I'm not so sure that I'm able to handle the problems that come with it. I'm so fake. All I ever do is fake who I am. The clothes, the make up and the hair. It's not me. I just wanna make him so happy. I know if he knew the real me he'd think twice about sticking around. The only thing that's not fake is the fact that I love him and would not change anything about him. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and all I wanna do is cry on his shoulder and pretend that I'm a kid again and that I didn't have to worry about any of these things. I wanna be held and know that I can pretend and know that it's ok. I get so mad sometimes and he gets mad too and the only thing that goes through my head is when he is gonna get mad enough to break up with me. I know that I'm wrong and I'm so worried that he's gonna leave me. I don't wanna lose the best thing that ever happened to me. There's no way in hell I'd ever let that happen. There is no one out there that would care about me so much. All he does is take care of me and treat me like a princess and in return I act like a stuck up bitch and carry on like I'm a snob. I hate the way I am and I don't understand why I'm this way.