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MUN INFORMATION
Name: Linda
LJ:
E-Mail: whyhotmailwhy@gmail.com
IM: Pb2Ag (AIM)
Notes: Feel free to hit me up anytime if you have questions, comments, critiques, or just want to chat.
Also, if one of those mediums are undesirable, feel free to post here, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'll even leave Anon posting on for you.
Character Background: The Rise of Prussia: So, in the late 1600s, Prussia consisted of three main areas: Brandenburg (area around Berlin), Prussia (which was in the east), and Cleves (which was in the west). The goal of the Hohenzollerns was to unify these three areas to have one landmass instead of three separate. So, thus begins the EPIC LAND GRAB TRADITION THAT IS BASICALLY PRUSSIA’S LIFE STORY FOREVER.
We start with Frederick-William the Great Elector (he was one of the peeps who got to elect the holy roman emperor) who ruled from 1640-1688. His first omnomnom land move was to aquire Pomerania in 1648 from the Swedes with the Treaty of Westphalia.
Well, you get The War of Spanish Succession in 1701, and because Prussia helped out the Holy Roman Empire, Prussia was allowed to become a kingdom, no longer a duchy. Kings from now on could be called Pupcat IV, King of Prussia, rather than King in Prussia, as it had been before.
So, hey, Prussia’s pretty decently unified (not all the way, but moreso than before) and is now a kingdom. What does that mean?
It means, “Ohmygod, other nations can rape me now, holy pupcats on fire.” Not a good thing. To further this paranoia, Prussia had no natural borders (oceans, mountains, rivers, whatevs. NOTHING). So, the nation had to decide another form of deterrence to stop someone like Russia or Austria from landstealing or having another 30 Years War where ouchouchouch let’s not ravish my lands plx. And what would this form of deterrence be?
MILITARRYYYYY! WHOOOOOOO! KICK THOSE BITCHES ASSES SO TOTES HARD! YEAAAAH! Which you see with Fredrick-William I (the Cheap), the second king of Prussia (1713-1740). He was srsly the Cheap. Not even gonna lie. Because, basically, what he did was funnel ALL governmental money to build up the military while cutting expenses to everything else. For example, at one point during his rule, he had cut 75% of other expenditures WHILE using 90% of all governmental revenue on the army. Holy fux. That’s, like, totes insane, man. 4% of the entire male population of Prussia was in the army. He also had an elite guard called the Potsdammer of super huge, over 6 feet tall men for intimidation. Pretty damn kick ass.
Well, he wasn’t called “the Cheap” for nothing. F-W I’s main goal was to keep out of war. Why’s that? Well, if he had to go to war, then he would lose many of the troops and equipment he had spent so much money and time amassing. Which is BAD. So, the military was simply to act as a deterrent. Like nuclear weapons in today’s age. Something horrifying to look at, but neither side wants to deal with.
Unfortunately for him, AND FORTUNATELY FOR PRUSSIA, once he died, his son took to power. Frederick II. Frederick the Great. Old Fritz. He wasn't afraid of spending money. Fuck yes.
War of Austrian Succession (1740): As soon as Frederick II took the throne in 1740, he declared war on Austria on the basis that Maria Theresa of Austria was not a legitimate ruler. He made a land grab for Silesia, which doubled the landmass of Prussia. There was a war over Silesia, in which many of the other European powers came to the side of Prussia. After three years, Prussia dropped out, keeping Silesia. The Treaty of Aix la Chapelle settled the war in 1748, allowing Prussia to keep Silesia while all the other European powers were forced to return the land that they had gained. Take that, bitches. Hahahaaaaaa.
The Diplomatic Revolution (1756): Maria Theresa, still bitter after losing Silesia, begins a diplomatic revolution, stealing all of the allies Prussia held in the War of Austrian Succession. By the start of the Seven Years’ War, Prussia’s only major ally is England (who sucks).
The Seven Years’ War (1756): This war revealed to the world that Prussia kicked ass. Austria, France, Russia, Spain, and Sweden vs Prussia and England (England only joined to kick France’s ass. Most of England’s fighting occurred in America). The war began when Frederick II took the initiative and invaded Saxony, greatly increasing the numbers of his military. Basically, the only reason Prussia survived was because of Frederick II’s (later to be called Frederick the Great) brilliance in battle, and the fact that all of Prussia’s enemies never attacked at the same time. I LOVE YOU OLD FRITZ. YOU ARE AMAZINGGG.
Eventually, as Russia was about to march on Berlin, Russia’s Tsarina Elizabeth died, leaving the throne to her Prussophile son, Peter III. He immediately withdrew all troops and left the war, leading to what the Prussians called the Miracle of the House of Brandenburg (of course, the army and Catherine the Great killed him six months later, BUT HE SAVED PRUSSIA). After this, Prussia was able to completely crush Austria while the British finished of France in the colonies.
OR, IF YOU'RE A FAN OF PICTURES AND COLORS, HERE'S AN OUTLINE FROM MY NOTES.
So, basically, after all this goodness, the war ends in 1763. You get the Treaty of Hubertusburg which gives Prussia Silesia (LOLOLOL), but he has to give up Saxony. Russians get NOTHING. The French get debt (LOLOLOLOL, THNX GAIS). With the Treaty of Paris Brits rape around French colonies blahblah they suck no one cares. But, yeah, ouch, Prussia ended up losing 10% of his population, which comes to bite him in the ass with Napoleon later on.
Enlightened Absolutism: The method of Frederick the Great’s rule. He introduced a general civil code, abolished torture, and established the principle that the crown would not interfere in matters of justice. He also promoted an advanced secondary education that became emulated in various countries. HE WAS PRETTY MUCH AMAZING. Prussia <3<3<3s Old Fritz.
Napoleonic Wars (1803-1815): Ouch. Like, seriously. Battles of Jena and Auerstedt (1806) hurt like a bitch. France completely humiliated Prussia. Later, with the Treaty of Tilsit (1807) between France and Russia, Prussia lost more than half of his land. But, because of these awful defeats, Prussia began extreme reforms like liberation of peasants from serfdom, the emancipation of Jews and making full citizens of them, and the institution of self-administration in municipalities. The school system was rearranged, and in 1818 free trade was introduced. The process of army reform ended in 1813 with the introduction of compulsory military service.
Ouch.
Battle of Waterloo (1815): British and Prussian troops completely pwn’d Napoleon. Marshal Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher led the Prussians to victory. AHAHAHAA, REVENGE, BITCHES. FUCKYEAH.
Congress of Vienna (1815): Prussia regained his land and then some. Conservative ideas prevailed, leading to the formation of the The Holy Alliance (1815) between Prussia, Russia, and some other country that I can’t remember right now I need to check my notes orz.
Conservatism vs. Liberals: After the conservatism of the Congress of Vienna, many students began protesting this. Forming groups, like the Burschenschaft, some students look extreme actions. The murder of conservative dramatist August von Kotzebue was done by Karl Sand (1819), a liberal student. He was executed the following year. He would later be used as a martyr by those who wanted a unified Germany. But yeah, liberals. Ew, gross. Prussia haet liberals.
The Concert of Europe: So the Holy Alliance lasted just long enough to crush revolutions in Spain, Naples, and the Decemberists in Russia. But, after the Greek Revolution, the Brits, French, and Russians were all like, "LOLOLOL FORGET THE WHOLE CONSERVATIVISM STUFF. HAVE FUN, AUSTRIA AND PRUSSIA. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLL." So eventually, Greece, Serbia, and Latin American peeps all got their independence. CONCERT OF EUROPE = CRUSHHHHEEEDDDDD. So much for that Holy Alliance.
Revolutions of 1830: Because Prussia had become such a conservative bastard, he was one of the few nations of Europe without a revolution in the 1830s. Belgium successfully revolted from Holland. Prussia was the only nation to try and hold to the Concert of Europe/Holy Alliance, but because France's government changes like the weather, and everyone else was all like "LOLOL FORGET THE HOLY ALLIANCE", Prussia backed off and allowed Belgium to obtain neutrality through the Convention of 1839 (which would play a biiiggggggg role in WWI).
Industrial Revolution (mid 1800s): Basically, "HAY GAIS. LET'S BUILD RAILROADS. ALL OUR PEEPS MOVIN' FROM THE COUNTRY TO THE CITIES. FUCKKYEAHHH PROGRESSS." Rise of the middle class and nationalism and all that stuff.
Socialists: FUTURE COMMIIIESSS GARRGHHHH. Marx and his BFF Engels show up, writing Communist Manifesto (1848) and later Das Kapital. The main socialist in Germany is a cute dude named Eduard Bernstein who was a member of the SDP, or the German Socialist Party. He was a lot more peaceful than psycho Marx.
1848 Revolutions: Unfortunately, Prussia wasn't spared this time. But it was mitigated by Fredrick William IV being totally BAMF. He allowed limited reformed, like a 3-tiered voting system and universal manhood suffrage (GROSS. EVERYONE VOTING. EWWWW).
The Frankfurt Parliament (1848): Basically, a bunch of liberals got together, Tennis Court Oath style, and wanted to write a constitution to unify Germany. It came down to a Grossdeutch, or a big, unified Germany with ALL German speakers (AKA Austria), vs a Kleindeutsh, or a smaller state of a unified Germany (MINUS AUSTRIA) argument. The Kleindeutshs won, which means not only will the soon-to-be created state of Germany NOT include Austria, but that Prussia would be the nation to lead the unification. FUCKYEAH.
But, seeing as how all this was decided by a bunch of liberals, Fredrick William IV was all like, "Fuck no. I don't want your goddamned constitution. I'll unify Germany, but I'm not accepting the crown from you fags."
Oh, and during this time, Austria had, like, eight revolutions going on, so Prussia was loling pretty damn hard.
The Road to Unifying Germany: Okay, to begin, we have to back up a bit. So, the Frankfurt Parliament decided to have a Kleindeutsh, or a Germany minus Austria, which meant that Prussia had to lead the unification. Now, before this, Prussia had been drawing all the other German states to him to gain power.
In 1834, the Zollverein was created. It was a free trade zone for all the German states EXCEPT AUSTRIA. So it was more profitable for these smaller states to <3 Prussia. FUCKYEAH.
In 1862, things started getting FOR REALS, YO. Otto von Bismarck was appointed as Chancellor. Bissy-poo is to German Unification as Friedrich the Great was to the Seven Years' War. Which means he was KINDA A BIG DEAL.
Well, the first thing he does is declare war on Denmark to begin the Danish War (1862). With this, Prussia's just like, "Hey, Austria, help out a bro?" And Austria's like, "If you'll give me some free land." So Prussia agrees.
Now, Austria fell right into Prussia's trap. You see, after the war, and the Danish were PWN'd, Prussia gave the land of Holstein to Austria.
Now was time for the next war. Bismarck issued the orders of, "Be the biggest douchebag possible to the Austrian troops in Holstein." Which they did. This pissed Austria off to the point of declaring war. JUST AS PLANNED.
Austro-Prussian War (1866): This bitch only lasted 7 weeks. Like, Prussia completely and utterly humiliated Austria. Not only did Prussia have superior weapons (Breech loading, "Needle Gun"), but Prussia was able to be the first nation in the world to properly utilize railroads as a means for supplying troops. The Battle of Sadowa (1866) was a JOKE. von Moltke, the Prussian commander completely DESTROYYYEEEDDDD the Austrians. Like, it was hilarious how bad they were schooled.
After this, the Treaty of Prague (1867) basically said that Austria would GTFO of German Unification. Because of this, Prussia was able to form the North German Confederation, which had all the German states except Bavaria, Wurttemberg, and Baden (BWB), because they're Catholic bitches and >('d at the Protestant North Germans.
*Not Bohemia. I circled it wrong; sowwies gais. Baden is near Wurttemberg.
So, Bismarck devised a plan to get BWB to join with Prussia.
Franco-Prussian War (1868): Fuckyeah.
The way to get BWB to join Prussia was to make them dependent on Prussia for protection against an enemy. What better enemy than the French? But the French had to be the ones to strike first, not Prussia. Prussia had to appear the victim. So, when Spain chose a Catholic Hohensollern cousin to be their king after their last one died, France FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. The Prussian King and a French ambassador met, and contrary to Bismarck's plan, they worked out a peace agreement.
There was no way in hell Bismarck was going to let that fly. He had to provoke France into a war. So he took a telegram the king at sent him about his and the ambassador's meeting, edited it, and released it to all the papers in Berlin. The new telegraph, called The Telegraph of Elms lambasted the French, driving Napoleon III to declare war on Prussia. VICTOLY.
BWB quickly joined the North German Confederation, just as Bismarck had planned. All the states that would soon make up Germany were allied with each other, fighting the evil French. The entire French army and Napoleon III was captured at Sedan in 1870. Paris was besieged, soon to fall. It was only a matter of months before Germany would be unified, and the Prussian king to be declared the Kaiser, or Emperor of Germany.
Suddenly: BAM. Eway.
some extra history if you'd like.
[Insert post unification to WWII here. I'll get around to it eventually.]
Alright, so, I hope you know the outcome of World War II at this point. Because if you don’t, just… I don’t even know. Weeping.
You get Postdam conference in 1945, right after the end of the war, where the Allies talk about how they’re going to fuck over the Germans, since the Germans fucked over Europe. It’s supposed to last until the Allies get together to write a Peace Treaty for the Germans to sign; UNFORTUNATELY, this Peace Treaty never comes. Prussia is formally dissolved and will never again be on the map (as of 2009 [I’m working on it]). Furthermore, the Allies make a bunch of bitchy agreements, like how Germans will forever have a lower standard of living than the rest of Europe (since, what they believe, one of the causes of the war was the economic powerhouse of German markets). They divide Germany and Berlin, giving the West to the Western Allies, and the East of Germany to the USSR. This, surprisingly, was supposed to be a very short-lived thing. Remember the Peace Treaty I mentioned above? They were going to discuss the long-term fate of Germany there. Hint: THE PEACE TREATY NEVER CAME. Hell, if they WANTED to partition Germany, they would have done it from Protestant, Prussian north and Catholic south. It was just stupid ohmigosh.
Unfortunately, for this plan to work (west/east split), the West had to give industrial aid to the East and the East had to give food and agricultural aid to the West. THIS DOESN’T END UP HAPPENING as I will explain later.
The Allied Control Council starts up in ’45, as well. It basically has complete authority over all of Germany, making Germany no longer a country, but a region controlled by them. The Council gave veto power to each of its members, which, OF COURSE, leads to mega problems later. Somehow, this surprises people. In the beginning, it was mainly France vetoing anything and everything that would actually, like, rebuild Germany. Because of France, you had massive starvation and death in Germany, where the worst is in the winter of ’47. Thanks France. You prick. Later, it becomes the USSR who bitches and moans about reparations, which, in turn, ends up making the Allies goal after WWII to gain reparations. So, picture this:
A nation is in complete shambles. No infrastructure, roads, trains, few cars. No industry. All the major cities have been firebombed and torn to the ground. You don’t even have a country anymore. You can’t trust your friends and neighbors, because, seriously, who was a Nazi and who wasn’t? You have no political system and no good experience with Democracy (Weimar doesn’t count). The nations who control your fate won’t stop bitching, and all they want from you is reparations. Reparations that you can’t give due to the fact that you have no economy, no politics, no government, and no industry.
This creates problems. Ones that the Allies don’t want to deal with. Remember the deal I mentioned before? Between the USSR and the West, giving industry from the West and agriculture from the East? Well, the few factories that were left standing at the end of WWII, Russia has been taking. Not just taking what’s produced, no no. Literally dismantling the fucking factories, MOVING THE PARTS TO RUSSIA, and rebuilding them there. Also, they fail to live up to the whole giving food and whatevs to the West. Nice job, commies. Finally, the Americans get pissed (since they’re having to support the German population on with their tax money), and refuse to allow the USSR to take anymore industry. The USSR bitches. The Cold War begins.
Also, the beginnings of a permanent partition. Since, the Cold War means no Peace Treaty to discuss the long-term fate of Germany.
The USSR begins exercising its power in the soon-to-be East Germany by forcing the ONLY allowed political parties, the SPD (Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands [socialists]) and the KPD (Kommunistische Partei Deutschlands [commies]) to create the SED (Sozialistische Einheitspartei Deutschland [bigger commie party]), which will rule East Germany until its fall in ’90. In the West, the British and Americans join their sectors together to create Bizonia, and after that, create an Executive Council to make the laws for the West. In retaliation, the USSR creates the People’s Congress for the East to work on the laws. Tensions are rising.
All hell breaks loose with the London Conference in ’48. Basically, everyone gets together in London to have a “NO RUSSIAS ALLOWED” meeting to discuss economic unification of the West part of Germany. Needless to say, the USSR doesn’t take kindly to this. Citing the Potsdam agreement, Russia’s just like “OH MY GOD GUYS THIS IS SO ILLEGIT YOU’RE BREAKING ALL THE RULES SO I WILL TOO.” Russia leaves the Allied Control Council in a fuss, and, not surprisingly, no one cares. Not one fucking soul.
Except, then Russia blockades West Berlin. Then they care. Thus begins the Berlin Airlift and the creation of Trizonia in the West (France, US, and Great Britain). On May 29th of 1949, Trizonia, AKA West Germany, creates a Parliamentary Council and passes the Basic Law, AKA constitution, for West Germany. From this point on, I will concern this history rant with East Germany only.
The USSR flips. Like, seriously. Picture Stalin screaming at people, throwing things, crying, purging everyone who even looks at him wrong-It’s bad. So, in this temper tantrum, East Germany is created. Pieck and Grotewohl are the first leaders, and, of course, they come from the SED, the leading Communist Party. The only Party. The Party that then creates counter parties to oppose it, but all those parties still answer to the SED. You are not invited to this Communist Party, but you will vote for it, and you will enjoy voting for it.
The first leader of the SED is a man by the name of Walter Ulbricht. Learn it well, my chrilden. He’s around till ’71, when the USSR gets rid of him.
Let’s look at Ulbricht for a moment. He was a member of the KPD (commies), and built a follower-net for himself by appointing those he liked to good positions in the party. He had the typical Politburo upbringing-poor, commie, hated by Nazis, exiled, came back to BUILD A BETTER GERMANY, whatevs. Very typical.
When in power, he created the National Front, or a unity of all political parties, AKA GETTING RID OF ALL PARTIES EXCEPT THE COMMIES, discouraged the secret ballot, and, NO ONE WAS SURPRISED WHEN, IN 1950, THE FIRST ELECTION TOOK PLACE AND HAD 99% TURN OUT, AND 99% VOTING FOR THE COMMIES. If you know anything about elections, no one turns out to vote. Like, wasn’t it only, like, less than 50% that voted Obama in? I can’t even remember, but it’s absurd to claim such numbers. For some reason or another, blatantly lying helped the commies sleep well at night, so no one questioned it.
Also, the government was a hilarious joke. It was set up with a Politburo at the top, an elite circle of communists dictating everything. The People’s Congress passed the laws, but only met one or two days a year. And even then, they would frantically pass every law the Politburo threw at them.
Now, I want to remind you of something. This is all the results ofcorruption of the East German government. In the beginning, people were actually very optimistic. People truly believed that they could build their own version of Communism, one that WORKED, under the wing of the USSR. The constitution of East Germany itself was very fair; it promised rights, liberties, a good government set up, a Politburo controlled by the People’s Congress, as opposed to the other way around. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as independent from the USSR as people liked to believe, as obvious from the forced combination and creation of the SED. Ulbricht took orders from Moscow.
In ’52, you had the elimination of the states in East Germany. There was an increase in censorship, and when people fled from the GDR, it was considered treason, or “Flight from the Republic.” Creation of the League of Culture resulted in mega censorship of art and the creation of “social realism” AKA FARMERS PLANTING SHIT IN EVERY. FUCKING. PAINTING. EVER. I’m not even kidding. Just go check it out. Seriously.
Well, because of all this oppression, “Flight from the Republic” becomes the cool thing to do. Specifically, “Flight from the Republic” through Berlin, since that’s the only way to get from East to West without having to cross a wall or something (for now). It didn’t help that West Germany welcomed all those who could escape and gave them citizenship. While, yeah, there were talks for Unification, and hell, the East was one of the strongest proponents for it, the East would demand all sorts of crazy things that the West would never give up, so all talks for unification ended in mega bitch fights.
Well, since communists enjoy nationalizing industry, Ulbricht decided to do that in East Germany. It basically resulted in tons of farmers and workers fleeing to the West, and left the East with MAAAAAJOR shortages of EVERYTHING. Furthermore, Ulbricht was kinda sorta obsessive about building up the industry of East Germany (which meant that it could pay its reparations to the USSR) at the sacrifice of creating consumer goods and bettering the standard of living of East Germans. On the plus side, there was an increase in education, healthcare, and everyone was employed. Unlike in the West.
Also, like in the USSR, there were unachievable production quotas. Which just killed the workers. In fact, East Germany was far more harsh to its workers than the USSR, even to the point of where the USSR had to tell East Germany to calm the fuck down. East Germany’s response?
“HAHAHHAH FUCK THAT. RAISIN’ PRODUCTION QUOTAS MORE. WE’RE REAL MEN HERE.”
Result?
JUNE 17TH, 1953 UPRISING. The only maaaajor uprising until the ‘80s in East Germany. It was promptly crushed by the USSR’s Red Army. Not only did this reaffirm Ulbricht’s stance as the head of East Germany (the USSR had been looking to get rid of him for a while now), it also led to a ton of reforms that were promptly forgotten about in a year. Go team. At least, in 1954, East Germany could stop sending 25% of all its economic gains to the USSR in the form of reparations. In ’55, West Germany instituted the Hallstein Doctrine, which basically said that anyone who recognizes the GDR besides the Soviet Union, they would severe all diplomatic ties with. If you couldn’t have guessed it, there were maaaaaaaajor tensions between the East and the West, which would only intensify. Remember how I mentioned before all the people fleeing from the East? Well, yeah, during all this turmoil, it was getting worse. To the point where over a sixth of the East German population was gone.
Now, what’s that mean for the nation? Considering most of those who fled were young, working age families, it meant that the work force sucked. Also, lack of farmers. And lack of everything ever. The only open border was between East and West Germany.
Got that in your head? Think logically… What’s the solution to this?
A wall, obviously. As Ulbricht infamously explained, “Nobody has the intention of building a wall.”
Ha.
August 13th, 1961, a Sunday morning, there was suddenly barbed wire between East and West Berlin. As the days passed, the barbered wire was replaced with cement, and soon to follow were guard towers, watchmen, watchdogs, and everything you can possibly imagine. Not a nice place to be.
Now, I know what you’re going to say. “AHHH, THE WALL STANDS FOR EVERYTHING EVIL IN THE WORLD AND IT’S SO BAD AND HOW COULD THEY AND OH MY GOD WHAT IS MY LIFE.” Calm the fuck down, skippy. And listen up. Not only did the Wall create economic stability for the GDR, it also solved the West’s problem and potential war with the Eastern Bloc over Berlin. Let me remind you: the West let them build the Wall. Just think about that.
The creation of the Wall directly correlates to the Second German Economic Miracle in ’63, due to the massive increase in quotas that the East was able to employ now that their workforce couldn’t escape. Some restrictions were relaxed, but, just like the New Course of ’53, they were ignored a year later.
Now, around this time, Ulbricht was getting’ a little too big for his britches, if you know what I mean. He began to say things that the USSR really didn’t like-things along the line of “EAST GERMANY IS THE BEST COMMUNIST STATE EVER, AND WE ARE A GREAT EXAMPLE FOR THE REST OF THE COMUNIST STATES INCLUDING THE USSR, AND OUR STYLE OF COMMUNISM IS UNIQUELY GERMAN, AND hey, let’s introduce a little capitalism no one will notice, AHAHHAHA WHY ARE WE SO AWESOME?” around 1967. In 1968, East Germany passed a new constitution, one that completely omitted all the artificial liberties and rights of the old one, and removed the word “German” except in reference to East German (AKA crushing all hopes for German reunification). Also, they put something in there about how Russia was their bestie. It was pretty lame.
MORE TO COME.
Name: Linda
LJ:
E-Mail: whyhotmailwhy@gmail.com
IM: Pb2Ag (AIM)
Notes: Feel free to hit me up anytime if you have questions, comments, critiques, or just want to chat.
Also, if one of those mediums are undesirable, feel free to post here, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'll even leave Anon posting on for you.
Character Background: The Rise of Prussia: So, in the late 1600s, Prussia consisted of three main areas: Brandenburg (area around Berlin), Prussia (which was in the east), and Cleves (which was in the west). The goal of the Hohenzollerns was to unify these three areas to have one landmass instead of three separate. So, thus begins the EPIC LAND GRAB TRADITION THAT IS BASICALLY PRUSSIA’S LIFE STORY FOREVER.
We start with Frederick-William the Great Elector (he was one of the peeps who got to elect the holy roman emperor) who ruled from 1640-1688. His first omnomnom land move was to aquire Pomerania in 1648 from the Swedes with the Treaty of Westphalia.
Well, you get The War of Spanish Succession in 1701, and because Prussia helped out the Holy Roman Empire, Prussia was allowed to become a kingdom, no longer a duchy. Kings from now on could be called Pupcat IV, King of Prussia, rather than King in Prussia, as it had been before.
So, hey, Prussia’s pretty decently unified (not all the way, but moreso than before) and is now a kingdom. What does that mean?
It means, “Ohmygod, other nations can rape me now, holy pupcats on fire.” Not a good thing. To further this paranoia, Prussia had no natural borders (oceans, mountains, rivers, whatevs. NOTHING). So, the nation had to decide another form of deterrence to stop someone like Russia or Austria from landstealing or having another 30 Years War where ouchouchouch let’s not ravish my lands plx. And what would this form of deterrence be?
MILITARRYYYYY! WHOOOOOOO! KICK THOSE BITCHES ASSES SO TOTES HARD! YEAAAAH! Which you see with Fredrick-William I (the Cheap), the second king of Prussia (1713-1740). He was srsly the Cheap. Not even gonna lie. Because, basically, what he did was funnel ALL governmental money to build up the military while cutting expenses to everything else. For example, at one point during his rule, he had cut 75% of other expenditures WHILE using 90% of all governmental revenue on the army. Holy fux. That’s, like, totes insane, man. 4% of the entire male population of Prussia was in the army. He also had an elite guard called the Potsdammer of super huge, over 6 feet tall men for intimidation. Pretty damn kick ass.
Well, he wasn’t called “the Cheap” for nothing. F-W I’s main goal was to keep out of war. Why’s that? Well, if he had to go to war, then he would lose many of the troops and equipment he had spent so much money and time amassing. Which is BAD. So, the military was simply to act as a deterrent. Like nuclear weapons in today’s age. Something horrifying to look at, but neither side wants to deal with.
Unfortunately for him, AND FORTUNATELY FOR PRUSSIA, once he died, his son took to power. Frederick II. Frederick the Great. Old Fritz. He wasn't afraid of spending money. Fuck yes.
War of Austrian Succession (1740): As soon as Frederick II took the throne in 1740, he declared war on Austria on the basis that Maria Theresa of Austria was not a legitimate ruler. He made a land grab for Silesia, which doubled the landmass of Prussia. There was a war over Silesia, in which many of the other European powers came to the side of Prussia. After three years, Prussia dropped out, keeping Silesia. The Treaty of Aix la Chapelle settled the war in 1748, allowing Prussia to keep Silesia while all the other European powers were forced to return the land that they had gained. Take that, bitches. Hahahaaaaaa.
The Diplomatic Revolution (1756): Maria Theresa, still bitter after losing Silesia, begins a diplomatic revolution, stealing all of the allies Prussia held in the War of Austrian Succession. By the start of the Seven Years’ War, Prussia’s only major ally is England (who sucks).
The Seven Years’ War (1756): This war revealed to the world that Prussia kicked ass. Austria, France, Russia, Spain, and Sweden vs Prussia and England (England only joined to kick France’s ass. Most of England’s fighting occurred in America). The war began when Frederick II took the initiative and invaded Saxony, greatly increasing the numbers of his military. Basically, the only reason Prussia survived was because of Frederick II’s (later to be called Frederick the Great) brilliance in battle, and the fact that all of Prussia’s enemies never attacked at the same time. I LOVE YOU OLD FRITZ. YOU ARE AMAZINGGG.
Eventually, as Russia was about to march on Berlin, Russia’s Tsarina Elizabeth died, leaving the throne to her Prussophile son, Peter III. He immediately withdrew all troops and left the war, leading to what the Prussians called the Miracle of the House of Brandenburg (of course, the army and Catherine the Great killed him six months later, BUT HE SAVED PRUSSIA). After this, Prussia was able to completely crush Austria while the British finished of France in the colonies.
OR, IF YOU'RE A FAN OF PICTURES AND COLORS, HERE'S AN OUTLINE FROM MY NOTES.
So, basically, after all this goodness, the war ends in 1763. You get the Treaty of Hubertusburg which gives Prussia Silesia (LOLOLOL), but he has to give up Saxony. Russians get NOTHING. The French get debt (LOLOLOLOL, THNX GAIS). With the Treaty of Paris Brits rape around French colonies blahblah they suck no one cares. But, yeah, ouch, Prussia ended up losing 10% of his population, which comes to bite him in the ass with Napoleon later on.
Enlightened Absolutism: The method of Frederick the Great’s rule. He introduced a general civil code, abolished torture, and established the principle that the crown would not interfere in matters of justice. He also promoted an advanced secondary education that became emulated in various countries. HE WAS PRETTY MUCH AMAZING. Prussia <3<3<3s Old Fritz.
Napoleonic Wars (1803-1815): Ouch. Like, seriously. Battles of Jena and Auerstedt (1806) hurt like a bitch. France completely humiliated Prussia. Later, with the Treaty of Tilsit (1807) between France and Russia, Prussia lost more than half of his land. But, because of these awful defeats, Prussia began extreme reforms like liberation of peasants from serfdom, the emancipation of Jews and making full citizens of them, and the institution of self-administration in municipalities. The school system was rearranged, and in 1818 free trade was introduced. The process of army reform ended in 1813 with the introduction of compulsory military service.
Ouch.
Battle of Waterloo (1815): British and Prussian troops completely pwn’d Napoleon. Marshal Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher led the Prussians to victory. AHAHAHAA, REVENGE, BITCHES. FUCKYEAH.
Congress of Vienna (1815): Prussia regained his land and then some. Conservative ideas prevailed, leading to the formation of the The Holy Alliance (1815) between Prussia, Russia, and some other country that I can’t remember right now I need to check my notes orz.
Conservatism vs. Liberals: After the conservatism of the Congress of Vienna, many students began protesting this. Forming groups, like the Burschenschaft, some students look extreme actions. The murder of conservative dramatist August von Kotzebue was done by Karl Sand (1819), a liberal student. He was executed the following year. He would later be used as a martyr by those who wanted a unified Germany. But yeah, liberals. Ew, gross. Prussia haet liberals.
The Concert of Europe: So the Holy Alliance lasted just long enough to crush revolutions in Spain, Naples, and the Decemberists in Russia. But, after the Greek Revolution, the Brits, French, and Russians were all like, "LOLOLOL FORGET THE WHOLE CONSERVATIVISM STUFF. HAVE FUN, AUSTRIA AND PRUSSIA. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLL." So eventually, Greece, Serbia, and Latin American peeps all got their independence. CONCERT OF EUROPE = CRUSHHHHEEEDDDDD. So much for that Holy Alliance.
Revolutions of 1830: Because Prussia had become such a conservative bastard, he was one of the few nations of Europe without a revolution in the 1830s. Belgium successfully revolted from Holland. Prussia was the only nation to try and hold to the Concert of Europe/Holy Alliance, but because France's government changes like the weather, and everyone else was all like "LOLOL FORGET THE HOLY ALLIANCE", Prussia backed off and allowed Belgium to obtain neutrality through the Convention of 1839 (which would play a biiiggggggg role in WWI).
Industrial Revolution (mid 1800s): Basically, "HAY GAIS. LET'S BUILD RAILROADS. ALL OUR PEEPS MOVIN' FROM THE COUNTRY TO THE CITIES. FUCKKYEAHHH PROGRESSS." Rise of the middle class and nationalism and all that stuff.
Socialists: FUTURE COMMIIIESSS GARRGHHHH. Marx and his BFF Engels show up, writing Communist Manifesto (1848) and later Das Kapital. The main socialist in Germany is a cute dude named Eduard Bernstein who was a member of the SDP, or the German Socialist Party. He was a lot more peaceful than psycho Marx.
1848 Revolutions: Unfortunately, Prussia wasn't spared this time. But it was mitigated by Fredrick William IV being totally BAMF. He allowed limited reformed, like a 3-tiered voting system and universal manhood suffrage (GROSS. EVERYONE VOTING. EWWWW).
The Frankfurt Parliament (1848): Basically, a bunch of liberals got together, Tennis Court Oath style, and wanted to write a constitution to unify Germany. It came down to a Grossdeutch, or a big, unified Germany with ALL German speakers (AKA Austria), vs a Kleindeutsh, or a smaller state of a unified Germany (MINUS AUSTRIA) argument. The Kleindeutshs won, which means not only will the soon-to-be created state of Germany NOT include Austria, but that Prussia would be the nation to lead the unification. FUCKYEAH.
But, seeing as how all this was decided by a bunch of liberals, Fredrick William IV was all like, "Fuck no. I don't want your goddamned constitution. I'll unify Germany, but I'm not accepting the crown from you fags."
Oh, and during this time, Austria had, like, eight revolutions going on, so Prussia was loling pretty damn hard.
The Road to Unifying Germany: Okay, to begin, we have to back up a bit. So, the Frankfurt Parliament decided to have a Kleindeutsh, or a Germany minus Austria, which meant that Prussia had to lead the unification. Now, before this, Prussia had been drawing all the other German states to him to gain power.
In 1834, the Zollverein was created. It was a free trade zone for all the German states EXCEPT AUSTRIA. So it was more profitable for these smaller states to <3 Prussia. FUCKYEAH.
In 1862, things started getting FOR REALS, YO. Otto von Bismarck was appointed as Chancellor. Bissy-poo is to German Unification as Friedrich the Great was to the Seven Years' War. Which means he was KINDA A BIG DEAL.
Well, the first thing he does is declare war on Denmark to begin the Danish War (1862). With this, Prussia's just like, "Hey, Austria, help out a bro?" And Austria's like, "If you'll give me some free land." So Prussia agrees.
Now, Austria fell right into Prussia's trap. You see, after the war, and the Danish were PWN'd, Prussia gave the land of Holstein to Austria.
Now was time for the next war. Bismarck issued the orders of, "Be the biggest douchebag possible to the Austrian troops in Holstein." Which they did. This pissed Austria off to the point of declaring war. JUST AS PLANNED.
Austro-Prussian War (1866): This bitch only lasted 7 weeks. Like, Prussia completely and utterly humiliated Austria. Not only did Prussia have superior weapons (Breech loading, "Needle Gun"), but Prussia was able to be the first nation in the world to properly utilize railroads as a means for supplying troops. The Battle of Sadowa (1866) was a JOKE. von Moltke, the Prussian commander completely DESTROYYYEEEDDDD the Austrians. Like, it was hilarious how bad they were schooled.
After this, the Treaty of Prague (1867) basically said that Austria would GTFO of German Unification. Because of this, Prussia was able to form the North German Confederation, which had all the German states except Bavaria, Wurttemberg, and Baden (BWB), because they're Catholic bitches and >('d at the Protestant North Germans.
*Not Bohemia. I circled it wrong; sowwies gais. Baden is near Wurttemberg.
So, Bismarck devised a plan to get BWB to join with Prussia.
Franco-Prussian War (1868): Fuckyeah.
The way to get BWB to join Prussia was to make them dependent on Prussia for protection against an enemy. What better enemy than the French? But the French had to be the ones to strike first, not Prussia. Prussia had to appear the victim. So, when Spain chose a Catholic Hohensollern cousin to be their king after their last one died, France FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. The Prussian King and a French ambassador met, and contrary to Bismarck's plan, they worked out a peace agreement.
There was no way in hell Bismarck was going to let that fly. He had to provoke France into a war. So he took a telegram the king at sent him about his and the ambassador's meeting, edited it, and released it to all the papers in Berlin. The new telegraph, called The Telegraph of Elms lambasted the French, driving Napoleon III to declare war on Prussia. VICTOLY.
BWB quickly joined the North German Confederation, just as Bismarck had planned. All the states that would soon make up Germany were allied with each other, fighting the evil French. The entire French army and Napoleon III was captured at Sedan in 1870. Paris was besieged, soon to fall. It was only a matter of months before Germany would be unified, and the Prussian king to be declared the Kaiser, or Emperor of Germany.
Suddenly: BAM. Eway.
some extra history if you'd like.
[Insert post unification to WWII here. I'll get around to it eventually.]
Alright, so, I hope you know the outcome of World War II at this point. Because if you don’t, just… I don’t even know. Weeping.
You get Postdam conference in 1945, right after the end of the war, where the Allies talk about how they’re going to fuck over the Germans, since the Germans fucked over Europe. It’s supposed to last until the Allies get together to write a Peace Treaty for the Germans to sign; UNFORTUNATELY, this Peace Treaty never comes. Prussia is formally dissolved and will never again be on the map (as of 2009 [I’m working on it]). Furthermore, the Allies make a bunch of bitchy agreements, like how Germans will forever have a lower standard of living than the rest of Europe (since, what they believe, one of the causes of the war was the economic powerhouse of German markets). They divide Germany and Berlin, giving the West to the Western Allies, and the East of Germany to the USSR. This, surprisingly, was supposed to be a very short-lived thing. Remember the Peace Treaty I mentioned above? They were going to discuss the long-term fate of Germany there. Hint: THE PEACE TREATY NEVER CAME. Hell, if they WANTED to partition Germany, they would have done it from Protestant, Prussian north and Catholic south. It was just stupid ohmigosh.
Unfortunately, for this plan to work (west/east split), the West had to give industrial aid to the East and the East had to give food and agricultural aid to the West. THIS DOESN’T END UP HAPPENING as I will explain later.
The Allied Control Council starts up in ’45, as well. It basically has complete authority over all of Germany, making Germany no longer a country, but a region controlled by them. The Council gave veto power to each of its members, which, OF COURSE, leads to mega problems later. Somehow, this surprises people. In the beginning, it was mainly France vetoing anything and everything that would actually, like, rebuild Germany. Because of France, you had massive starvation and death in Germany, where the worst is in the winter of ’47. Thanks France. You prick. Later, it becomes the USSR who bitches and moans about reparations, which, in turn, ends up making the Allies goal after WWII to gain reparations. So, picture this:
A nation is in complete shambles. No infrastructure, roads, trains, few cars. No industry. All the major cities have been firebombed and torn to the ground. You don’t even have a country anymore. You can’t trust your friends and neighbors, because, seriously, who was a Nazi and who wasn’t? You have no political system and no good experience with Democracy (Weimar doesn’t count). The nations who control your fate won’t stop bitching, and all they want from you is reparations. Reparations that you can’t give due to the fact that you have no economy, no politics, no government, and no industry.
This creates problems. Ones that the Allies don’t want to deal with. Remember the deal I mentioned before? Between the USSR and the West, giving industry from the West and agriculture from the East? Well, the few factories that were left standing at the end of WWII, Russia has been taking. Not just taking what’s produced, no no. Literally dismantling the fucking factories, MOVING THE PARTS TO RUSSIA, and rebuilding them there. Also, they fail to live up to the whole giving food and whatevs to the West. Nice job, commies. Finally, the Americans get pissed (since they’re having to support the German population on with their tax money), and refuse to allow the USSR to take anymore industry. The USSR bitches. The Cold War begins.
Also, the beginnings of a permanent partition. Since, the Cold War means no Peace Treaty to discuss the long-term fate of Germany.
The USSR begins exercising its power in the soon-to-be East Germany by forcing the ONLY allowed political parties, the SPD (Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands [socialists]) and the KPD (Kommunistische Partei Deutschlands [commies]) to create the SED (Sozialistische Einheitspartei Deutschland [bigger commie party]), which will rule East Germany until its fall in ’90. In the West, the British and Americans join their sectors together to create Bizonia, and after that, create an Executive Council to make the laws for the West. In retaliation, the USSR creates the People’s Congress for the East to work on the laws. Tensions are rising.
All hell breaks loose with the London Conference in ’48. Basically, everyone gets together in London to have a “NO RUSSIAS ALLOWED” meeting to discuss economic unification of the West part of Germany. Needless to say, the USSR doesn’t take kindly to this. Citing the Potsdam agreement, Russia’s just like “OH MY GOD GUYS THIS IS SO ILLEGIT YOU’RE BREAKING ALL THE RULES SO I WILL TOO.” Russia leaves the Allied Control Council in a fuss, and, not surprisingly, no one cares. Not one fucking soul.
Except, then Russia blockades West Berlin. Then they care. Thus begins the Berlin Airlift and the creation of Trizonia in the West (France, US, and Great Britain). On May 29th of 1949, Trizonia, AKA West Germany, creates a Parliamentary Council and passes the Basic Law, AKA constitution, for West Germany. From this point on, I will concern this history rant with East Germany only.
The USSR flips. Like, seriously. Picture Stalin screaming at people, throwing things, crying, purging everyone who even looks at him wrong-It’s bad. So, in this temper tantrum, East Germany is created. Pieck and Grotewohl are the first leaders, and, of course, they come from the SED, the leading Communist Party. The only Party. The Party that then creates counter parties to oppose it, but all those parties still answer to the SED. You are not invited to this Communist Party, but you will vote for it, and you will enjoy voting for it.
The first leader of the SED is a man by the name of Walter Ulbricht. Learn it well, my chrilden. He’s around till ’71, when the USSR gets rid of him.
Let’s look at Ulbricht for a moment. He was a member of the KPD (commies), and built a follower-net for himself by appointing those he liked to good positions in the party. He had the typical Politburo upbringing-poor, commie, hated by Nazis, exiled, came back to BUILD A BETTER GERMANY, whatevs. Very typical.
When in power, he created the National Front, or a unity of all political parties, AKA GETTING RID OF ALL PARTIES EXCEPT THE COMMIES, discouraged the secret ballot, and, NO ONE WAS SURPRISED WHEN, IN 1950, THE FIRST ELECTION TOOK PLACE AND HAD 99% TURN OUT, AND 99% VOTING FOR THE COMMIES. If you know anything about elections, no one turns out to vote. Like, wasn’t it only, like, less than 50% that voted Obama in? I can’t even remember, but it’s absurd to claim such numbers. For some reason or another, blatantly lying helped the commies sleep well at night, so no one questioned it.
Also, the government was a hilarious joke. It was set up with a Politburo at the top, an elite circle of communists dictating everything. The People’s Congress passed the laws, but only met one or two days a year. And even then, they would frantically pass every law the Politburo threw at them.
Now, I want to remind you of something. This is all the results ofcorruption of the East German government. In the beginning, people were actually very optimistic. People truly believed that they could build their own version of Communism, one that WORKED, under the wing of the USSR. The constitution of East Germany itself was very fair; it promised rights, liberties, a good government set up, a Politburo controlled by the People’s Congress, as opposed to the other way around. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as independent from the USSR as people liked to believe, as obvious from the forced combination and creation of the SED. Ulbricht took orders from Moscow.
In ’52, you had the elimination of the states in East Germany. There was an increase in censorship, and when people fled from the GDR, it was considered treason, or “Flight from the Republic.” Creation of the League of Culture resulted in mega censorship of art and the creation of “social realism” AKA FARMERS PLANTING SHIT IN EVERY. FUCKING. PAINTING. EVER. I’m not even kidding. Just go check it out. Seriously.
Well, because of all this oppression, “Flight from the Republic” becomes the cool thing to do. Specifically, “Flight from the Republic” through Berlin, since that’s the only way to get from East to West without having to cross a wall or something (for now). It didn’t help that West Germany welcomed all those who could escape and gave them citizenship. While, yeah, there were talks for Unification, and hell, the East was one of the strongest proponents for it, the East would demand all sorts of crazy things that the West would never give up, so all talks for unification ended in mega bitch fights.
Well, since communists enjoy nationalizing industry, Ulbricht decided to do that in East Germany. It basically resulted in tons of farmers and workers fleeing to the West, and left the East with MAAAAAJOR shortages of EVERYTHING. Furthermore, Ulbricht was kinda sorta obsessive about building up the industry of East Germany (which meant that it could pay its reparations to the USSR) at the sacrifice of creating consumer goods and bettering the standard of living of East Germans. On the plus side, there was an increase in education, healthcare, and everyone was employed. Unlike in the West.
Also, like in the USSR, there were unachievable production quotas. Which just killed the workers. In fact, East Germany was far more harsh to its workers than the USSR, even to the point of where the USSR had to tell East Germany to calm the fuck down. East Germany’s response?
“HAHAHHAH FUCK THAT. RAISIN’ PRODUCTION QUOTAS MORE. WE’RE REAL MEN HERE.”
Result?
JUNE 17TH, 1953 UPRISING. The only maaaajor uprising until the ‘80s in East Germany. It was promptly crushed by the USSR’s Red Army. Not only did this reaffirm Ulbricht’s stance as the head of East Germany (the USSR had been looking to get rid of him for a while now), it also led to a ton of reforms that were promptly forgotten about in a year. Go team. At least, in 1954, East Germany could stop sending 25% of all its economic gains to the USSR in the form of reparations. In ’55, West Germany instituted the Hallstein Doctrine, which basically said that anyone who recognizes the GDR besides the Soviet Union, they would severe all diplomatic ties with. If you couldn’t have guessed it, there were maaaaaaaajor tensions between the East and the West, which would only intensify. Remember how I mentioned before all the people fleeing from the East? Well, yeah, during all this turmoil, it was getting worse. To the point where over a sixth of the East German population was gone.
Now, what’s that mean for the nation? Considering most of those who fled were young, working age families, it meant that the work force sucked. Also, lack of farmers. And lack of everything ever. The only open border was between East and West Germany.
Got that in your head? Think logically… What’s the solution to this?
A wall, obviously. As Ulbricht infamously explained, “Nobody has the intention of building a wall.”
Ha.
August 13th, 1961, a Sunday morning, there was suddenly barbed wire between East and West Berlin. As the days passed, the barbered wire was replaced with cement, and soon to follow were guard towers, watchmen, watchdogs, and everything you can possibly imagine. Not a nice place to be.
Now, I know what you’re going to say. “AHHH, THE WALL STANDS FOR EVERYTHING EVIL IN THE WORLD AND IT’S SO BAD AND HOW COULD THEY AND OH MY GOD WHAT IS MY LIFE.” Calm the fuck down, skippy. And listen up. Not only did the Wall create economic stability for the GDR, it also solved the West’s problem and potential war with the Eastern Bloc over Berlin. Let me remind you: the West let them build the Wall. Just think about that.
The creation of the Wall directly correlates to the Second German Economic Miracle in ’63, due to the massive increase in quotas that the East was able to employ now that their workforce couldn’t escape. Some restrictions were relaxed, but, just like the New Course of ’53, they were ignored a year later.
Now, around this time, Ulbricht was getting’ a little too big for his britches, if you know what I mean. He began to say things that the USSR really didn’t like-things along the line of “EAST GERMANY IS THE BEST COMMUNIST STATE EVER, AND WE ARE A GREAT EXAMPLE FOR THE REST OF THE COMUNIST STATES INCLUDING THE USSR, AND OUR STYLE OF COMMUNISM IS UNIQUELY GERMAN, AND hey, let’s introduce a little capitalism no one will notice, AHAHHAHA WHY ARE WE SO AWESOME?” around 1967. In 1968, East Germany passed a new constitution, one that completely omitted all the artificial liberties and rights of the old one, and removed the word “German” except in reference to East German (AKA crushing all hopes for German reunification). Also, they put something in there about how Russia was their bestie. It was pretty lame.
MORE TO COME.