Mom.
Hmm. I realize that my last post may have
come off as misogynistic. Let me explain
something; I love all the women in my life,
dearly. I love my many female friends, dearly.
I don't dislike women. I am merely stating
some frutstrations I have had with the
women in my life and what I see in their
behavior. I never see these addressed anywhere,
and that frustrates me even more.
I have had problems with men, of course.
Namely my ex, who I still intensely dislike,
and partly my dad, which has pretty much
been resolved.
My frustrations with the females in my life,
have never been resolved. This is becauses of
thier shitty communication skills, which by
all accounts of the media, are supposed to be
better than that of men. I call bullshit.
Any time I have tried to speak with any of
the women in my family regarding my hurt
feelings towards them, no matter how much I
sugar coat it, no matter what kind of spin
I put on it; they cry. (All except for my
awesome cousin Laura, who I've never had
a problem with, because she's too damn cool
and has never, ever judged me. I love you
Laura.) Or they just get really defensive,
like my grandma. She's fucking crazy though.
I can't resolve my frustration with my mom
or anyone else, because it's next to impossible
without feeling intensely guilty. I am trying
to deal with the fact that I will never have
the kind of openess with my female family
members that I have had with most of the
men in my life. My dad, for example, would
be totally cool when I was mad at him, or
yelled or told him I hated him. His
response to me saying "I hate you dad."
was "well, I still love you."
And I apologized later and said that
I loved him, and I was just mad. He
would say "I know." and that would
be that. Totally cool about it.
He was safe, and there was no guilt
for acting out my emotions. No guilt
for being angry and hurt. Just love
and acceptance from the old man
that that was the way it was, and it
was okay.
My mom has always tried her best to be
the sensitive, understanding parent.
And in many, many ways she is. I love
her very much, and I think that she's
an awesome mother. I know that things
between us will never be the way we
both want it, and I'm dealing with
that.
I've already dealt with those
feelings with my relationship with
my dad, so there's not much anger
there anymore.
But I don't feel like I can be
completely open with her, and she
wants me to be completely open.
It sucks, but it's life.
But I guess the point of this journal
is as a ventilation for my anger and
hurt.
Anyways, it feels like a relief to
get all that out.
come off as misogynistic. Let me explain
something; I love all the women in my life,
dearly. I love my many female friends, dearly.
I don't dislike women. I am merely stating
some frutstrations I have had with the
women in my life and what I see in their
behavior. I never see these addressed anywhere,
and that frustrates me even more.
I have had problems with men, of course.
Namely my ex, who I still intensely dislike,
and partly my dad, which has pretty much
been resolved.
My frustrations with the females in my life,
have never been resolved. This is becauses of
thier shitty communication skills, which by
all accounts of the media, are supposed to be
better than that of men. I call bullshit.
Any time I have tried to speak with any of
the women in my family regarding my hurt
feelings towards them, no matter how much I
sugar coat it, no matter what kind of spin
I put on it; they cry. (All except for my
awesome cousin Laura, who I've never had
a problem with, because she's too damn cool
and has never, ever judged me. I love you
Laura.) Or they just get really defensive,
like my grandma. She's fucking crazy though.
I can't resolve my frustration with my mom
or anyone else, because it's next to impossible
without feeling intensely guilty. I am trying
to deal with the fact that I will never have
the kind of openess with my female family
members that I have had with most of the
men in my life. My dad, for example, would
be totally cool when I was mad at him, or
yelled or told him I hated him. His
response to me saying "I hate you dad."
was "well, I still love you."
And I apologized later and said that
I loved him, and I was just mad. He
would say "I know." and that would
be that. Totally cool about it.
He was safe, and there was no guilt
for acting out my emotions. No guilt
for being angry and hurt. Just love
and acceptance from the old man
that that was the way it was, and it
was okay.
My mom has always tried her best to be
the sensitive, understanding parent.
And in many, many ways she is. I love
her very much, and I think that she's
an awesome mother. I know that things
between us will never be the way we
both want it, and I'm dealing with
that.
I've already dealt with those
feelings with my relationship with
my dad, so there's not much anger
there anymore.
But I don't feel like I can be
completely open with her, and she
wants me to be completely open.
It sucks, but it's life.
But I guess the point of this journal
is as a ventilation for my anger and
hurt.
Anyways, it feels like a relief to
get all that out.