So yeah.....again
I got my MRI results from the dr. yesterday. Seems like I have not a tear in my meniscus (the piece of cartilage that sits between your femur and shin bone, behind the patella that cushions your knee) it seems I have TWO fucking tears and apparently, I have to BABY my knee and be EXTREMELY careful because of the way the tears are running, they're both out to the edges on either side of my left knee...one running from the inside of my knee (medial) to the center, the other running from the outside (lateral) to the middle, one rising, the other declining...so if I keep torturing it, the tears will meet and I will have a completely torn meniscus.....fucking bullshit. I can't afford to be layed up for a week or so, I'm terrified of being put under, I hate thinking that I won't be able to run or do simple shit without ALWAYS being in fucking pain. I hate thinking that I'm going to have to baby this leg even more after the surgery because they'll suture the tears and then I can BARELY have any pressure on it, lest it tears. I hate that my mom's not out here to help me, I hate that I have to depend on others to do shit, I feel like a fucking invalid.
I hate that I have to depend on others to care for my kids when I'm recovering. I hate that every moment that I AM recovering, I'll have to worry about when I can go back to work because I won't be able to make either the bills or rent, my choice. I hate that I'll have to choose the date of the surgery so that recovery falls on my weekend so I don't lose more work time than I have to. I hate that my job pays so little, I hate that my job doesn't give me a raise, I hate that I'm trapped in my life, at my job, in this city and state. I hate that I am getting old, I hate that I won't take a stand unless pressed, I hate that I've never been able to make a choice and follow through with it, and now that I'm able to, I don't do it, because my choices are taken away from me. I hate that I can't do what I want to do, I hate waiting, I hate being made to feel like the choices I DO make are irresponsible, I hate being judged, I hate being looked down on, I hate being made to feel stupid, inconsequential...I hate the look I get when I am who I want to be...I hate being made to wait until someone else is ready so that I can make a huge decision in my life, I hate that I'm powerless, I hate to be taken advantage of...I hate that I feel that way, I hate that I don't take the bull by the horns... I hate that I hate......
I hate not being able to choose between life and death...and I hate that I would want to.
Fuck you
I hate that I have to depend on others to care for my kids when I'm recovering. I hate that every moment that I AM recovering, I'll have to worry about when I can go back to work because I won't be able to make either the bills or rent, my choice. I hate that I'll have to choose the date of the surgery so that recovery falls on my weekend so I don't lose more work time than I have to. I hate that my job pays so little, I hate that my job doesn't give me a raise, I hate that I'm trapped in my life, at my job, in this city and state. I hate that I am getting old, I hate that I won't take a stand unless pressed, I hate that I've never been able to make a choice and follow through with it, and now that I'm able to, I don't do it, because my choices are taken away from me. I hate that I can't do what I want to do, I hate waiting, I hate being made to feel like the choices I DO make are irresponsible, I hate being judged, I hate being looked down on, I hate being made to feel stupid, inconsequential...I hate the look I get when I am who I want to be...I hate being made to wait until someone else is ready so that I can make a huge decision in my life, I hate that I'm powerless, I hate to be taken advantage of...I hate that I feel that way, I hate that I don't take the bull by the horns... I hate that I hate......
I hate not being able to choose between life and death...and I hate that I would want to.
Fuck you