Back..
So yeah. Life is busy and kinda sucks but It's good too and confusing because it sucks and is food at the same time.
www.myspace.com/thefrontlyne
Support my company!!! lol
It feels kinda weird to write in this thing again... seeing as I haven't done so in so long... but it may be a good outlet. Seeing as I have been boarderline clinically depressed and all... maybe it would be good to just get it all out there. Or maybe it can come back to haunt me... like most things seem to be doing lately. *shrug* I need this.
Lately, I dunno, I just feel so alone. It's like no matter how I try to look at it... my "friends" aren't good enough and I am all I have. It could just be me. I dunno. I know I just want someone so bad to be there unconditionally... but at the same time I think I am kinda pushing people away that may actually care about me. It's just so hard sometimes, to drag myself out of my bed and look a person in the face and put that damn smile on, thinking and knowing about everything and anything in the back of my mind and trying to let the past be the past and just move on.
I'm still in love with Oneil. Nothing's gonna change there. I jsut gotta get over it and move on... because it just hurts more and more. I resent the fact that it's like I wasted over a year of my life hoping that he would just give me a chance... I know he knows I love him... and he loves me back.. just not in the way I want him to and it hurts. I'm blessed to have a man that will always take care of me and be there for me.. but at the same time.. I resent the fact that It's like I'm not good enough to be his girl...
He reasons have gone from me being the president of his company... to me not being confident enough in myself. And I TRY and tell him that I feel sooo crappy about myself because he chooses other women over me... but he won't hear it.
And to think... I was ready to have his child and I want to be his wife...
I guess it it will be then it will be.
This year has me once again re-evualuating my own self worth and the people around me. Ha. I'm so freakin stupid sometimes. You CAN'T always try and see the good in everything. Because it's just not that way.
I loaned my car out to someone... and she didn't pay the car note or inshurance as agreed... refused to return my car in a timely fashon... and then crashed it. Now, it's reposessed. lol. I'm freakin dumb. I feel so depressed. No job... no money. But I guess I gotta just pick myself up and make things better because no one else will do it for me.
Kool-Aid saves lives :-P It's yummy.
I really want to go back to school this semester. I don't wanna go back to QC... but I would maybe like to go to Germany for a study abroad program from NYU... problem is... everything I have and am working for is here. My company... the people I know...
Or maybe I DO just need to get away.
I dunno. I need to just get my thoughts and emotions together. I feel like I'm always going everywhere and nowhere at once and sometimes I think I'm crazy... It's just so hard to keep my mind in the here and now.
Went to St. Louis last week. In many ways, that trip was the trip from hell but it was much needed. St. Louis is poppin. For real. It was nice to stay in that spa hotel in that nice suite... cats was smokin weed and doing tattoos outta the hotel rooms. It was real. And yes, I did get another tat there... to remember the trip. It glows under uv light :-)
So it was a good trip... with a small instance where I jsut lost it.
I just got so mad at oneil there because it's like he always gets his way.... so I just started to walk. I wanted to get away from people so that they couldn't see how crazy I may seem... I don't like looking weak. But true to form... he and Calvin tracked me down... and basically picked me up physically and dragged me back to the hotel.... I know I was mad and that I basically shut down both physically and emotionally and pshychologically... and I'm ashamed of how I acted... but I'm thankful that they did what they did... but it just feeds into my fear more and more of how I feel ashamed to look at people in the face... ashamed of what they think of me.
you know... looking back on the trip... I'm selfish. People do care about me. I guess.
So yeah, It's time to start loving myself. I wanna make a change this year.
I started playing my sax again. It's like the most pure moment where everythign just goes away and I can just focus on that one thing.
I am my own salvation.
First step is to clean up my damn house so that I can feel proud for once :-P
www.myspace.com/thefrontlyne
Support my company!!! lol
It feels kinda weird to write in this thing again... seeing as I haven't done so in so long... but it may be a good outlet. Seeing as I have been boarderline clinically depressed and all... maybe it would be good to just get it all out there. Or maybe it can come back to haunt me... like most things seem to be doing lately. *shrug* I need this.
Lately, I dunno, I just feel so alone. It's like no matter how I try to look at it... my "friends" aren't good enough and I am all I have. It could just be me. I dunno. I know I just want someone so bad to be there unconditionally... but at the same time I think I am kinda pushing people away that may actually care about me. It's just so hard sometimes, to drag myself out of my bed and look a person in the face and put that damn smile on, thinking and knowing about everything and anything in the back of my mind and trying to let the past be the past and just move on.
I'm still in love with Oneil. Nothing's gonna change there. I jsut gotta get over it and move on... because it just hurts more and more. I resent the fact that it's like I wasted over a year of my life hoping that he would just give me a chance... I know he knows I love him... and he loves me back.. just not in the way I want him to and it hurts. I'm blessed to have a man that will always take care of me and be there for me.. but at the same time.. I resent the fact that It's like I'm not good enough to be his girl...
He reasons have gone from me being the president of his company... to me not being confident enough in myself. And I TRY and tell him that I feel sooo crappy about myself because he chooses other women over me... but he won't hear it.
And to think... I was ready to have his child and I want to be his wife...
I guess it it will be then it will be.
This year has me once again re-evualuating my own self worth and the people around me. Ha. I'm so freakin stupid sometimes. You CAN'T always try and see the good in everything. Because it's just not that way.
I loaned my car out to someone... and she didn't pay the car note or inshurance as agreed... refused to return my car in a timely fashon... and then crashed it. Now, it's reposessed. lol. I'm freakin dumb. I feel so depressed. No job... no money. But I guess I gotta just pick myself up and make things better because no one else will do it for me.
Kool-Aid saves lives :-P It's yummy.
I really want to go back to school this semester. I don't wanna go back to QC... but I would maybe like to go to Germany for a study abroad program from NYU... problem is... everything I have and am working for is here. My company... the people I know...
Or maybe I DO just need to get away.
I dunno. I need to just get my thoughts and emotions together. I feel like I'm always going everywhere and nowhere at once and sometimes I think I'm crazy... It's just so hard to keep my mind in the here and now.
Went to St. Louis last week. In many ways, that trip was the trip from hell but it was much needed. St. Louis is poppin. For real. It was nice to stay in that spa hotel in that nice suite... cats was smokin weed and doing tattoos outta the hotel rooms. It was real. And yes, I did get another tat there... to remember the trip. It glows under uv light :-)
So it was a good trip... with a small instance where I jsut lost it.
I just got so mad at oneil there because it's like he always gets his way.... so I just started to walk. I wanted to get away from people so that they couldn't see how crazy I may seem... I don't like looking weak. But true to form... he and Calvin tracked me down... and basically picked me up physically and dragged me back to the hotel.... I know I was mad and that I basically shut down both physically and emotionally and pshychologically... and I'm ashamed of how I acted... but I'm thankful that they did what they did... but it just feeds into my fear more and more of how I feel ashamed to look at people in the face... ashamed of what they think of me.
you know... looking back on the trip... I'm selfish. People do care about me. I guess.
So yeah, It's time to start loving myself. I wanna make a change this year.
I started playing my sax again. It's like the most pure moment where everythign just goes away and I can just focus on that one thing.
I am my own salvation.
First step is to clean up my damn house so that I can feel proud for once :-P