what wasnt shown yesterday
i hate this. it pisses me off so much. ive been making veronica so unhappy and bothers the hell out of me because the things that make her unhappy are things that i could stop doing but i dont. I hate myself for making her so unhappy. i got off the phone with her early to think and before i knew it it wasw 7:00 A.M. and i was sitting on my bed for 10 and a half hours.I feel soo bad that i did that to her though. I can't even tell why i was so unhappy. If i did she would get really unhappy. I wish i could actually make her happy but i dont know if i can. I just wish i could stop this fucking horrible habbit. It's eating me alive. She thinks that I'm sistancing myself from her and i think i am but it's not on purpose. One morning i didnt even hold her witch is really wierd for us. she thinks that during A lunch i was asking her what was wrong but there was no feeling. That she could have gotten the same compasion from leaning against a wall but thats not true. i wanted her to be happy so badly, and the fact that i couldnt made me want to do my habbit again. I never told her that cuz it would just make her unhappy again. I just wish i could make her really happy for once and i can't. that's what hurts the most. i just wanna die so she won't have to deal with me anymore and then mabye she can date somebody that can make her happy more. like Jay or Steven. I hate them both but i think she would be so much happier without me. i dont want to leave her though. i love her WAY too much to do that to her. she wouldnt understand it and it'll just make her really sad. i love her to the point wear i want to just say fuck you to everything and everybody else and just be with her all the time but i cant. i love her more than anything. She is the happiest thing in my life and when i make her unhappy i just feel like I'm more of a fuck up than i thought i was. It makes me feel like i can't make myself happy by making her unhappy.by making the one happy thing in my life unhappy i cant be happy. i mean if anything ever happened to her i have no idea what i would do. i would loose myself in saddness. i would probally want to kill myself or something. i dont think i would though. i want to even right now but i wont cuz i know it would make her unhappy. i didnt even want to tell i cut because i know how it would have made her feel but i did tell her. i havnt since i told her which makes me feel really accomplished. last night i really wanted to but i didnt. i was too lost in thought. well this entree is long enough so i gess i'll stop now. i love you guys and i know not too many people will read thiss but if you do post some comments., i need al the help i can get.please help. thanx.bye.
Alot of that was resolved yesterday. me and veronica seem to be doing better. i love her so much. i talked to squee for a long time yesterday. thats amazing considering weve never met. V-ro said in her LJ that theres something not known about alyssa.i havnt talked to her yet so when i do i'll ask. later.
Alot of that was resolved yesterday. me and veronica seem to be doing better. i love her so much. i talked to squee for a long time yesterday. thats amazing considering weve never met. V-ro said in her LJ that theres something not known about alyssa.i havnt talked to her yet so when i do i'll ask. later.