Every Episode of Everything Ever, Part 1
***flops down on his bed, grabs the remote, turns on the TV***
Two and a Half Men:
Charlie: Alan, I have a young and possibly underage girl upstairs whose name I don't even know but I'd really like to have vulgar sex with, so I'd appreciate it if you and your mongoloid child would stay out of my way and not ruin my life.
Alan: I have feelings too, Charlie, and it's not my fault my ex-wife emasculated me to the point that I am now the most effeminate character on a show that features a steady parade of women!
Jake: What's a monguhlode? *drools into his cereal a bit, tries to eat his Nintendo DS*
Girl (coming down from upstairs): Charlie, I've had a really good time today, but as an unexpectedly strong and progressive woman who still comes off as a cookie-cutter blanket statement feminist I'd really like to talk about my place in your life.
Charlie: Your places in my life are either in my bed or out my door. I'm getting a beer.
Rose (rappelling down from the rafters with a beer): Here you go Charlie, I brewed and bottled it myself just for you because obsessive stalker personalities are amusing.
Alan and Charlie's Mom (arriving through front door): Hello children, I'm here to lord your horrible childhood experiences over you for awhile. By the way, I slept with five random men on the sidewalk up to your house just so you'd have to picture me naked.
***loses last shred of faith in humanity, quickly changes the channel***
CSI: (insert any city here)
Lead Detective: The victim was bludgeoned to death with his own keyboard while hacking into something using Linux. The killer repeatedly struck him in the head until massive trauma and skull fractures caused him to bleed to death.
Horatio (out of nowhere): I guess this is one hacker whose skull... *puts on sunglasses* ...got cracked.
YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(everyone waits for The Who to stop playing)
Partner: There aren't any fingerprints on the keyboard though, how are we going to find the murderer?
Department Tech Person: Wait, you said he was hacking at the time of his murder. Maybe I can build a GUI interface using Visual Basic to see if any of his blood got into the computer while the connection was still open, and track the IP address the blood was transmitted to.
*taps on keyboard for a moment*
Department Tech Person: There, he was hacking into this person's bank account, his blood is all over the router.
Lead Detective: So now we have a motive. Check his hard drive for screen shots, let's see if we can get a look at our murderer.
Partner: You're wasting our time.
Lead Detective: No, I'm just smarter than you.
Department Tech Person: Okay, I found some screenshots from the time of the murder.
Lead Detective (leaning over the Tech's shoulder dramatically): Now what do you see there, in the reflection of the monitor from the time of the screen shot.
Department Tech Person: I can't quite make it out.
Lead Detective: Enhance the image. *image clears up a little for no apparent reason* Enhance. *image clears up further* Enhance! *image clears up further* ENHANCE!!! *image becomes perfectly clear, reveals photo quality picture of the killer in the reflection of the monitor from the time of the screen shot*
Partner: Now put that picture into the crime photo database and see if we can get a match! Good work everyone.
***nose begins bleeding, changes channel***
House:
(intro scene begins, five people stand around talking, one of them rubs his chest and looks uncomfortable, everyone else begins asking if he's okay, audience becomes convinced this is the patient for the episode, suddenly one of the other four's eyeballs randomly pop out of his head and cotton candy spills from the eye sockets while he bleeds marmalade)
(theme song)
Cuddy: House, your department spends more money than the rest of the hospital combined and you're not even working on a case right now!
House: Yes I am.
Cuddy: No you're not!
House: Yes, I am!
Cuddy: No, you're really not!
House: You're right, I'm not, but your breasts are fantastic.
Cuddy: Here's a file for you, either do this or I'll take your toys away.
House: This guy isn't even sick, this could all have been easily explained if every other doctor in the world weren't an incompetent jackass.
Cuddy: House, his internal organs are being replaced by food products!
House: It's an auto-immune disease. But I do see he as a hot daughter, so I'll take the case so I can leer at her while I'm not personally attending to him.
(turns to subordinates)
House: Here, this man's really sick, differential diagnosis on bleeding marmalade and exuding cotton candy.
Foreman: Well, it could be--
House: Whatever, I already know the answer, I'm just going to make you all go run every test known to man and play games with his life while I go torment Wilson about why he had a whole grain bagel with breakfast this morning instead of a plain one. Call me in 57 minutes so I can dramatically save him.
***changes channel***
Big Bang Theory:
(Watches as four people sit in an apartment discussing something stereotypically geeky, leading into discussion about how one of them is incredibly socially awkward, with all conversations being held using dialogue that is intentionally overstated and avoids any colloquial shortcut or contraction in an effort to make it sound forced and stilted)
Sheldon: Bazinga!
(female character walks in, everyone becomes uncomfortably aware that there are breasts in the room, silence)
***sits...waits...nothing happens, changes channel***
Mythbusters:
*something explodes*
Jamie: Science!
*something bigger explodes*
Grant, Tory, and Kari: SCIENCE!
*an entire military depot full of C4 explodes, registering on nearby seismographs*
Adam (climaxing): SCIIIIIEEEENNNNCCCEEEEE!
***shrugs, watches the rest of the episode***
Two and a Half Men:
Charlie: Alan, I have a young and possibly underage girl upstairs whose name I don't even know but I'd really like to have vulgar sex with, so I'd appreciate it if you and your mongoloid child would stay out of my way and not ruin my life.
Alan: I have feelings too, Charlie, and it's not my fault my ex-wife emasculated me to the point that I am now the most effeminate character on a show that features a steady parade of women!
Jake: What's a monguhlode? *drools into his cereal a bit, tries to eat his Nintendo DS*
Girl (coming down from upstairs): Charlie, I've had a really good time today, but as an unexpectedly strong and progressive woman who still comes off as a cookie-cutter blanket statement feminist I'd really like to talk about my place in your life.
Charlie: Your places in my life are either in my bed or out my door. I'm getting a beer.
Rose (rappelling down from the rafters with a beer): Here you go Charlie, I brewed and bottled it myself just for you because obsessive stalker personalities are amusing.
Alan and Charlie's Mom (arriving through front door): Hello children, I'm here to lord your horrible childhood experiences over you for awhile. By the way, I slept with five random men on the sidewalk up to your house just so you'd have to picture me naked.
***loses last shred of faith in humanity, quickly changes the channel***
CSI: (insert any city here)
Lead Detective: The victim was bludgeoned to death with his own keyboard while hacking into something using Linux. The killer repeatedly struck him in the head until massive trauma and skull fractures caused him to bleed to death.
Horatio (out of nowhere): I guess this is one hacker whose skull... *puts on sunglasses* ...got cracked.
YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(everyone waits for The Who to stop playing)
Partner: There aren't any fingerprints on the keyboard though, how are we going to find the murderer?
Department Tech Person: Wait, you said he was hacking at the time of his murder. Maybe I can build a GUI interface using Visual Basic to see if any of his blood got into the computer while the connection was still open, and track the IP address the blood was transmitted to.
*taps on keyboard for a moment*
Department Tech Person: There, he was hacking into this person's bank account, his blood is all over the router.
Lead Detective: So now we have a motive. Check his hard drive for screen shots, let's see if we can get a look at our murderer.
Partner: You're wasting our time.
Lead Detective: No, I'm just smarter than you.
Department Tech Person: Okay, I found some screenshots from the time of the murder.
Lead Detective (leaning over the Tech's shoulder dramatically): Now what do you see there, in the reflection of the monitor from the time of the screen shot.
Department Tech Person: I can't quite make it out.
Lead Detective: Enhance the image. *image clears up a little for no apparent reason* Enhance. *image clears up further* Enhance! *image clears up further* ENHANCE!!! *image becomes perfectly clear, reveals photo quality picture of the killer in the reflection of the monitor from the time of the screen shot*
Partner: Now put that picture into the crime photo database and see if we can get a match! Good work everyone.
***nose begins bleeding, changes channel***
House:
(intro scene begins, five people stand around talking, one of them rubs his chest and looks uncomfortable, everyone else begins asking if he's okay, audience becomes convinced this is the patient for the episode, suddenly one of the other four's eyeballs randomly pop out of his head and cotton candy spills from the eye sockets while he bleeds marmalade)
(theme song)
Cuddy: House, your department spends more money than the rest of the hospital combined and you're not even working on a case right now!
House: Yes I am.
Cuddy: No you're not!
House: Yes, I am!
Cuddy: No, you're really not!
House: You're right, I'm not, but your breasts are fantastic.
Cuddy: Here's a file for you, either do this or I'll take your toys away.
House: This guy isn't even sick, this could all have been easily explained if every other doctor in the world weren't an incompetent jackass.
Cuddy: House, his internal organs are being replaced by food products!
House: It's an auto-immune disease. But I do see he as a hot daughter, so I'll take the case so I can leer at her while I'm not personally attending to him.
(turns to subordinates)
House: Here, this man's really sick, differential diagnosis on bleeding marmalade and exuding cotton candy.
Foreman: Well, it could be--
House: Whatever, I already know the answer, I'm just going to make you all go run every test known to man and play games with his life while I go torment Wilson about why he had a whole grain bagel with breakfast this morning instead of a plain one. Call me in 57 minutes so I can dramatically save him.
***changes channel***
Big Bang Theory:
(Watches as four people sit in an apartment discussing something stereotypically geeky, leading into discussion about how one of them is incredibly socially awkward, with all conversations being held using dialogue that is intentionally overstated and avoids any colloquial shortcut or contraction in an effort to make it sound forced and stilted)
Sheldon: Bazinga!
(female character walks in, everyone becomes uncomfortably aware that there are breasts in the room, silence)
***sits...waits...nothing happens, changes channel***
Mythbusters:
*something explodes*
Jamie: Science!
*something bigger explodes*
Grant, Tory, and Kari: SCIENCE!
*an entire military depot full of C4 explodes, registering on nearby seismographs*
Adam (climaxing): SCIIIIIEEEENNNNCCCEEEEE!
***shrugs, watches the rest of the episode***