(Untitled)

[weloveyouangel]

Two weeks went by like it was nothing, but actually? It was something. There was something going on with Faith and I kept it to myself, but I had a feeling? I wasn't going to this time. I could smell something living inside of her that wasn't supposed to be there and the more and more that the days went by, the more I knew exactly what it was. I

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[notamistake]

I tilted my chin up to watch him as he started yellin' that there had to be a way to fix this. How exactly? Not like there were alot of doctors left to take a look at me and since this was the superflu? There wasn't shit they could do about it anyway. I was dead, gone, lost already and I knew why he was throwin' stuff all around the room. Because for as sad as I was that I was about to die, for as scared as I was? At least death was something that I'd always known was gonna happen to me. I'd already accepted it somewhere along the way. Angel? He was gonna be left here. All alone. He'd told me so many times he wouldn't have made it this far without me, but now he was gonna have to. Because I would be gone soon and that must terrify him.

"I know," I finally said after a long minute before standin' up and wrappin' my arms around his waist, pullin' him forcefully closer to me. "It's not fair. We killed The Guardian, we shot May. The flu was supposed to go away but...I guess it will. After it gets me. Must be part of the deal, like fine print or something. I don't think we can do anything about it."

The important thing was I felt alright so far. That was important right? I wasn't dead yet and in a few days, if not hours I was gonna start to feel it. It worked fast as soon as you found the spots and I'd noticed the patch already beginning to spread. I was gonna have to tell him soon anyway, probably best he'd just worked it out on his own.

I wondered how the slayer line would work now. Was it completely extinct? Would there be another slayer called after me? Would the line permanantly be tainted by the fucking superflu? Maybe we were all just destined to die. Actually that was funny because it was true. That was what we were chosen to do. Die. Someone was gonna have to protect all the people that were comin' to L.A. though and I thought that person might be me.

Now I knew it'd have to be him.

[weloveyouangel]

She got up, pulling me to her and I stared straight ahead as she told me it wasn't fair. It wasn't and now I was going to be left alone when I thought that I wouldn't have to be. Now I knew I was finished because if she went, there was nothing else to even possibly live for. I was done and over just like she was and it didn't even enter my mind that I would have to stay. I wasn't. When she was gone, I was gone too. One second it would take, no pain at all. Just dust.

Finally, my arms wrapped around her and I moved over to the bed, sitting down, still holding onto her as she stood in front of me. Tilting my chin up, I looked up at her, but didn't say anything. What was there to say? We really couldn't do anything about it and I guess we should fight it. Just let it happen. In a few days, we'd both be gone and this whole world could go to hell. There was no sense in saving a world that wasn't going to try to save itself.

All the work I'd done to try to make this place better didn't matter anymore. All my friends were gone, my family and now her.

After a few minutes, I nodded and let go of her. "There is nothing we can do. Might as well just ... I don't know," I said and shook my head. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes as I sniffed, trying to will them away, but all I could smell was the sickness on her.

"Are you in pain?" I asked her and brought her down next to me, brushing the hair from her eyes. "I just ... I don't know what I'm going to do, but ... it's all going to come down, in the end. When you go, I'll go. I can't do it on my own. Not anymore."

[notamistake]

He finally reluctantly put his arms around me and I drew in a deep breath of relief, because if he fought this? Then I knew I would too and the only thing I'd do was exhaust myself before I really needed to do that. If I was gonna get sick this was just the beginning of the exhaustion. The more I thought about it the less I thought I could go through with it. I'd seen the way Buffy'd died. It'd been long and painful and I wasn't sure I could go out like that. That was no way for a slayer to go out. I was gonna have to do something about that, not right now though. I had time. A little bit of it.

He let go of me and sat on the bed, a shake of my head when he asked me if I was in pain. I wasn't in pain, at least not yet. Just a little tired. It'd hit soon enough and I wanted to at least pretend that everything was okay until then. I could see the tears in his eyes and it was really only makin' this harder. Maybe I'd just slip away from him tonight while he was sleeping and find a way to...make it all go away. Make me go away.

I wasn't sure if I could do that either.

He pulled me down to the bed next to him and brushed the hair away from my face when I started really listening to him. When I was gone he was gonna...he was just gonna what? Burn up? Stake himself? No way. He couldn't do that. If he was gonna give up he was gonna have to let me give in to and giving in to me meant something he wasn't gonna be prepared to deal with. I knew he wasn't gonna be.

"You can't, Angel." I said quietly after a second narrowing my eyes at him. "You give up and all those people down on the beach? They're walkin' snackfood. Someone's gotta make sure they're okay..." Oh fuck it, I'm gonna die. What the hell did I even care? "Never mind. They'll probably just find some way to kill themselves all off again."

[weloveyouangel]

I gave her a look when she told me that I couldn't. What did it matter to her? When she was gone, she wouldn't know what was going on with me. I just watched her as she talked and then stopped, apparently thinking about it cause the next thing she said was something that I agreed with. Besides, what did it matter anymore? This whole world was going to hell, suppose we could all just get into the express lane and go.

Running my fingers through her hair, I finally got up from the bed and paced slowly around the room. It would only be a few days, a few days of her life that I had to go through and a few days of pain that she would have to go through.

I couldn't deal with that. But, I had to cause all we had left were those few days of us being together. We weren't going to go out, we were just going to stay here and talk and get everything out and not have to worry about anything that was going on outside cause as of right now, it didn't matter. I didn't care for any of it, all I cared about was her and now that she was sick, I'd do anything for her that I wouldn't have done before.

The anger that I had for her washed away with every minute that I looked at her. She didn't really look sick if you looked at her, besides the spots and there was a small rasp in her voice, I kinda thought it was sexy but now I knew why it was there.

I'm not sure what do now, so I just stood there watching her as she sat there watching me. What was there to say? I knew that I wanted to talk to her about a few things, but in the end? It didn't matter. Not one bit.

[notamistake]

He didn't say anything and to be honest I was sure my little outburst hadn't changed anything in him. It was a little sad to know that he was just gonna up and give up like that, because he'd have no one left. I wasn't selfish enough to think that it was all cause of me, but it was cause I was the last one left and now I was about to up and leave him. God, please don't cry. If he cried than I might cry and that's bad for the image, ya know?

"It must be wicked hard for you." I finally said in a quiet sympathetic voice, sitting across from him and putting one hand familiarly on his chest. Gettin' this close to him was familiar now, for as weird as it'd been in the beginning. Because I knew I wasn't what he wanted, I just happened to be the only thing left. At least I knew if I was the last slayer in the world he'd want me. "Bein' a vampire. You never get sick, never get old and die. You just have to watch everyone else do it."

I hadn't meant for the words to come out as stinging as they had but I couldn't help it. It wasn't fucking fair that I was gonna die now, and he was the one cryin'. I was the one on a one way street to hell. Least I knew I'd have some company shortly after arriving. It was gonna be horrible, painful, slow and...I just didn't want him to leave me. I'd gotten so used to the idea of dying alone but I couldn't stand the thought of it now. Even if it did make it harder on him.

Than it dawned on me. He was a vampire, so he'd never die. I didn't wanna die. I didn't wanna be a vampire though either. Everything inside of me rebelled against it and I could almost feel the sharp sting of pain at the scars on my throat from where Angelus had already tried to play that game with me.

I really didn't wanna die.

"It doesn't...it doesn't have to be the end." Wait. Yes it does. If he made me like him I wouldn't really be like him. He had a soul, unless it would just carry over. I doubted that was how it worked. Id' be evil and he wouldn't be and that would just be even worse for him than lettin' me go. Shit. This was confusing.

[weloveyouangel]

I kept my eyes on her as she came closer, placing her hand on my chest. I didn't know what she was doing, but I let her do it anyway becuse I felt that was what she needed, whatever it was. What must be hard for me? I gave her a confused look, but then she said it, harshly almost and I narrowed my eyes at her, but didn't say anything, just let her keep on talking. Pretty soon none of this wouldn't matter, so why should it matter now? Why was it so hard, we were all going to die one day, well, she was. I was already dead if you counted the part where I wasn't breathing and I didn't have a heartbeat.

Pulling away from her when she said that it didn't have to be the end, I shook my head as I turned around, turning my back to her. She wasn't thinking of me turning her, could she? Of course she was, but it wasn't going to happen cause then it wouldn't be the same. None of this would ever be the same.

"Shut up," I said angrily as I turned around, giving her a look before walking out of the room and back to the living room.

[notamistake]

I tilted my head down as he told me to shut up and marched out of the room. Okay, maybe that was kinda out of line. Wicked out of line. I knew how hard he fought that part of himself and here I was tryin' to drag it out of him. But what did it even matter anyway? Why couldn't he just give into it? It had to be better than just settin' himself on fire the minute I kicked the bucket. I knew it had to be better than choking to death on my own mucous. That was wicked gross and I didn't wanna think about it. He was right, I was out of line. I think.

I didn't know. I just knew that I didn't wanna die and now I was really scared. Because I knew where I was goin' afterwards and it wasn't to some comfy cooshy afterlife. Me and B weren't gonna finally be together. We were never gonna be together ever again. With a deep breath I finally stood up and followed him into the living room where he was sittin' on the couch with his head in his hands.

"Sorry, okay." I finally said flippantly with a nonchalant shrug of my shoulders. I met his eyes as he slowly looked up at me and I felt even worse about this. Like I was somehow lettin' him down by provin' to be just as mortal as everyone else. "I guess...I'm just scared. I...I watched what this did to Giles and Robin and Xander and Dawn and Buffy and when I think about goin' through the same thing..." I let my voice trail off painfully as I crossed my arms stubbornly and moved my eyes away to look at the wall next to him. I had to move my eyes away from him because I knew I was cryin' now like a big fucking baby. Some way to go out, Hanley.

"I don't wanna die."

[weloveyouangel]

She came out, following me and I was so angry at her. She wanted me to do the thing that I hated to do, something that I hated about my self because it would be the easy way out. In the end, I'd be more guilty and it was like she didn't even care. I was already feeling guilty because of it all and ... she just didn't care. Her sorry didn't mean anything. That's what I came to conclusion of.

But, she ... she was trying anything she could. Anything so she wouldn't really die, but didn't she realize? I was dead and there was no coming back from that.

I looked up at her and ... she was crying, saying she didn't want to die. Next thing we both knew, I was up from the couch and over to her, my arms around her, holding her to me. I didn't say anything cause there wasn't anything to say, there was no way to sugar coat this. It was over for both of us, her more than me and that had to be harder than anything I was feeling.

Holding onto her tightly, I kept her close, my hands running up and down her back. Pulling away from her finally, I looked down at her. She was so broken, and it was a different kind of broken than she was when she came to LA. She wanted to die then. Now? She doesn't and it seemed to be easier to deal with when she did want to die.

"I won't leave you, we'll be together. You won't be alone," I whispered and leaned closer, kissing her lips softly before pulling away from her.

[notamistake]

As he wrapped his arms around me and I tried hard to stifle tears that might get all over his shirt and serve as actual evidence that I wasn't half as badass as I wanted the world to think I was, I thought about what my choices were. Angel couldn't vamp me, that was for sure. I felt wicked bad for even askin' him to. I had two choices pretty much, or well...three. I could just up and die like Buffy and Robin and everyone else did. I could let the virus choke me until there was nothing left to snuff out. I could shoot myself in the heat with one of Wesley's guns or I could feed myself to the nearest vampire who wasn't Angel. Kinda grim, but after a few minutes I decided to just ride out the flu. Why did I deserve anything better than what B and Kennedy and Vi and all the rest of the slayers had gone through? May had been the lucky one in the end. I'd ended her suffering before she could die from it. Finally I just...resigned myself to it.

And speaking of Wes? Where the fuck had he been? He'd been strangely absent for the last few weeks. Only appearing to me occasionally during the long daylight hours when I'd sit on the bluffs and watch the people below while Angel snoozed away the afternoon. He hadn't shown up at all since I'd found the spots and I had the feeling that maybe he felt...guilty or something? Maybe he'd finally moved on knowing that me and Angel were about to be gone too. No one to haunt if the person you're haunting is dead. Least I'd have company in hell hopefully.

Oh Man, I wasn't gonna end up haunting anybody was I? Well, no I wouldn't. Everyone I knew was dead. And it was like my worst fear from when I'd been younger was gonna come true.

No one would even remember that I existed. It would be like I never even had.

"I know," I whispered as he told me I wouldn't be alone, because I knew he'd stay by my side until the end and then wait for the sun to rise. As he pulled away I felt a tickle in my throat and started coughing hard, doubling over a little bit as he held onto me. When I was finally done I looked up into his eyes, terrified for a little while.

"Let's go outside." I said suddenly, because I wasn't sure how much longer I was gonna be able to look at that ocean. Why now? Why? when I suddenly felt like I had a reason to actually live. Where was that infamous death wish now?

[weloveyouangel]

She let go and doubled over, coughing and I rubbed her back as she did so. She wasn't going to be alone. I was going to be here for her anyway I could, anyway she wanted me to. Now that she needed someone the most, she wasn't going to be alone. She stood back up and announced that we go outside. That was okay with me, just as long as I was near her.

My fingers ran down her arm until our fingers melded together and we held onto eachother like there was nothing else to hang onto, which really? There wasn't. Just us in this fucked up world.

I led her outside and when I stopped on the porch, she kept on walking, wanting to go further. My bare feet touched the sand and it tickled between my toes. I let go of her hand and my arm automatically wrapped around her waist as we walked down to the shore.

A small grin came to my lips as I thought about a few weeks earlier. We had just got done fighting vampires and then she got naked and jumped into the water. I remember that night like it was yesterday, when in fact, it was half a month ago.

"Don't plan on going skinny dipping again are you?" I asked her and rubbed her back. "Cause I wouldn't object to that."

[neverbeenfree]

I smiled at him slowly when he asked me if I was gonna go skinny dipping again. It wouldn't be the worst idea ever. My smile grew a little wider as I just looked out into the ocean and thought about that day. Wasn't that long ago that I thought things were really gonna be okay again. When I'd fucked Angel in the ocean thinkin' that maybye for once I'd actually won. Well, as much as you could win when the entire world killed itself off.

I could still hear the noise and laughter from the people on the other side of the beach. All the other people who were gonna be left without a slayer or a soulled vampire to protect them. They were all lambs to slaughter without us, and they'd never even know until they were standin' on death's doorstep.

Suddenly I wanted to swim in the ocean, wanted to recapture the memory. Wanted to remember what it felt like to be that alive, cause I wasn't feelin' so hot. I was okay, but every once in awhile I'd just start coughing as the smile slipped from my face. Just two silhouettes against the night sky. I wanted to just disappear into the stars and get lost forever. Then I could forget about all the fucked up things I'd ever done.

"I'd love to go skinny dipping with you..." I finally said wistfully. "In Mexico. Where you could be in the sun and we could play in the sand. Get those fruity margaritas but tell 'em to dump a few extra shots in there just for us. Go swimmin' in the ocean, be alive." Wondered if they had margaritas in hell. Probably not since that was a frozen drink and all.

[__angel]

I tried to smile when she smiled, but it wasn't working. I was pissed off that this was happening. We save the world and then this is what we get dealt, figures. The powers always fucked around with me and hey, that's fine - once in awhile. It kept me on my toes, but this? This is just ... unbelievable.

Turning down to look at her, my hand stopped that was on her back as I just listened. Everything sounded good and I was about to jump in my car now, but it was just a dream. Something that wasn't going to happen and I frowned again as I looked over at the ocean.

Used to love to come out here and just watching the waves crashing against eachother. There was always hope, but now? Now hope is dead and this is just how it is.

"You are alive. Let's go inside," I said and rubbed at my forehead, trying to stop the tears from coming. Suddenly, I just wanted to search through everything, do whatever I could just to save her even if that meant I had to go. It didn't matter and for a second, I questioned my relationship with her, but it wasn't that. It would never be that. I won't let myself, not again.

[neverbeenfree]

It was nice of him to have enough denial for both of us. Sure I was alive now, and I would be for probably the next few days but really this was it. As soon as I started to get really sick the remaining days were only goin' to get so dark and ugly I wouldn't even be able to stand them anymore. Why did he get to play the denial card? I was the one who was dyin', and sure he might be ready to die by the end of it all too but that wasn't really my problem, that was his issue.

It was me, I was the one who had to kill May and for what? Nothin'. I killed her to stop the virus from spreadin' through the rest of the people who were still livin' but I'd also killed her to save myself. It was her or me and that was what it had come down to. I'd chosen me in the end which was apparently something I was gonna pay for now. It just wasn't fair. This wasnt' supposed to happen! I wanted to be pissed at Wesley but he wasn't anywhere around to be pissed at. He was the one who did the translation, the one who figured it all out.

Well, he figured it all out wrong and now we were all gonna die. facts were facts and now we were all toast. Maybe it was just some big grand scheme that I'd come in the way of.

"Yeah, okay..." I said just as I got another tickle in my throat and violently started coughin' loudly. Couldn't stop myself. Doubling over again I choked and coughed until it finally left me. Oh God, it was already startin'. I was already dyin'. We're all dyin' since the moment we're born. What a crock of shit that was.

[weloveyouangel]

Soon as I turned away from her, she started coughing again.Quickly, I was right there, rubbing her back as she doubled over and remembered the nights when Wes was like this and everyone else for that matter. But Wes was right there in my head the whole time. I was with him till the end and I thought I couldn't make it without them. I could, sadly but now? Now I couldn't because now? I was truly alone. Then again, when Wes died, I thought that I was truly alone and I still went on, but now? It wasn't like that.

My son was dead and so was Cordelia. I never got to tell them ... anything and now it was too late.

Faith came and I even felt alive for the short time that she was here but now? I'm not. She's not even though I keep saying she is and we're both going to be gone from this place in about a week. It wasn't fair for her, but this is what happens, I guess. I didn't know what to say about it.

Bringing her close, I walked up with her and had to stop again when she started coughing. It hurt to even look at her, but I had to keep my eyes on her. I wanted to remember her ... even if this was the way. Swallowing hard, I turned away for a second and looked to the ocean, trying to keep the tears from coming before looking back at her.

"I'll fix you some soup," I said, trying to be soothing as her coughs died down and we headed back to the apartment.