(no subject)

[mildman]

im done talking to people i care for. evidently. every time i start somewhat developing a friendship, i try to talk to people to much, i get annoying. and i deserve to be slapped down over and over again, emotionally.her and i have had a relationship for near a year and a half now, but ive yet to truly find her. she told me dhe owuldnt let me talk to many other girls, unless she approved of them, and that i had to hang out wiht her as much as possible. i liked the prospect, because it meant she cared for me enough to want me around all the time. i know it sounds needy and controling, but i liked the idea that she wanted me that much. then she did it. i went out with her to all her friends shindigs, friends she didnt trust to talk to me, so i gave her all my attention, but what did i get? her shoulder. i stood there with her while she got all the attention, behind her waiting to be acknowledges. waiting in vain. she never came to me until her friends starting ignoring her. she wouldnt give me two minutes until theyu wouldnt give her two minutes. she put seeing them and hanging out with them before our pre made special plans. i had surprises for her that got ruined because she made plans over ours. she said she loved me when she was in my arms while we were alone, but in the public eye she couldnt give me the time of day or let me touch her hand for fear her friends wouldnt like it. i took it all because i loved her so much. i took it because i knew i wanted to be with her. she is amazingly beautiful. five feet eight inches tall, green eyes, long black hair, fair skin, amazing curves. and when we are alone, she is the most amazing person. loving, caring funny, protective. but out there, in the light of everyone elses stare, she cant have a thing to do with me. her friends are there before me all the time. they matter more. i cant bare to lose her, but i know i already am. thats why im feeling so empty now. i opened my heart to her completely, the first person i ever did that for, and this is what i got. im afraid to give her my heart back, because she treats me the same. we are still to gether, but we havent seen each other for a few weeks, and i am always eager to talk on the phone, but she always is talking to the people around her while we are on the pphone, not me. i take all of this bnecause i know how she can be, how she is when it is me and her. i just dont know how much longer i CAN take it. i want to get what i put in to this thing back, and im not getting close to my deposit in retunr. its frusstrating. when she is alone in her house, she doesnt want to get of the phone with me, but when someone else is there, she pushes to get off. i hate this relationship, buit i love her so much. im afraid of that love though. im afraid of keeping it going. im afraid she will kill everything about me. and tonight, i ask why seh treats me like this, and what do i get? beaten about because MY life isnt hard. I havent known a person outside of my family for longer than three years. i used to live off of dimes and nickles in the couch, then we got better, then i moved with my mom, and it was like that again. ive seen people die before my eyes. i have no grandparents left, and im afrad my paretns wont last long either. my brother is going to jail for shit he did because he is dumb, and he will prolly wind up dead soon because of his drug problem. i am onyl decent off here because my dad has money. money i never see if i am not here. i sit in a house alone ost of the day now, because no one i know cares about me. i dont even get on msn anymore because i am afraid people are getting tired of me. i have nothing in this world, and back when we were in the same place, i gave her everything i could muster. and she throw it at me, and tells me it isnt enough, and my life isnt hard enough to compare to hers.

well, so all of this has broughten me to questions i want to ask. Do i deserve this? am i so shitty and annoying and idioticof a person that i am getting what is coming to me? do i not deserve to be loved as much as i love? is there no one who sees things from my place too? i love that she is jealous, but cant i be jealous to if she is? i want her attention. ill admit it. i want her all to myself. but ive never had her emotionally. do you think ill ever find her? the real her, or is this it? i love her to much for this to be it, but if it is................. what do i do? im lost with out her. she is my will to live, but at the same time, my will to die. i dont knwo what to do, can you help me?