Pretend You Don't See Her
Always A Bridesmaid: I was called in early today for catering, Erica needed help with a wedding in the morning. So I had to be depressed through two weddings. "But Rachel," you say," I thought weddings were such happy things." My response: Not if you're a lonely fool who when seeing happy couples starting their new lives together, it feels like lemon rubbed in a wound. I watched these two couples spend the happiest day of their lives together, and seeing such happiness hurt a lot, because I so desperatly crave it. I was ready to break down at work, it was super. I feel like I'm going to be one of those really nice people who is always a bridesmaid and never a bride.
Crash and Burn : I know it was most likely retarded for me to even have any feelings for Marcos to begin with, considering the age difference, but I was actually a little taken back and hurt when these words escaped his lips, "Yeah my girlfriend.....blah blah blah." Girlfriend? He has a girlfriend? Then it hits me: How could I expect that all of my co workers are single, how could I think that they don't have a life after work like me? Once again, I'm feeling the edge of major stupidity. Either ground me, or let me fall off, I don't want to be standing there anymore trying to keep my balance but always failing.
Sex God Has Spoken, and it Was Good: I finally got a word in with Andrew, and looking at him for more than a shy glance was just wow......he's beautiful. Not many men can be called beautiful, but he is one of the few. It's so shameful and superficial of me to like him without having really spoken to him much, he seems like a nice guy from the very short conversation Meagan and I had with him. I bet he has a girlfriend though, he has to. It's in my luck that he does, it's in my luck that if he doesn't he won't ever notice me really.
You Could Call Me Pessimistic: But jeez, can you blame me, I've had so many bad things happen to me, that I can only learn to accept that that is my set reality. Like in life there are going to be people who have it easy, live it up on ol' Easy Street. And there are going to be people who are overall wonderful, who struggle so hard and get nothing in return. They have horrible lives, they work a dead-end job that pays minimum wage and is supposed to pay their rent and bills, and feed their 2 kids. It's not fair, there is no balance, and there is nothing to do about it. It really bothers me, I feel like I'm going to be one of those lost souls, it really takes from the point of my life, I feel there is none.
Did You Just See That? :I'm invisible it seems. I have no friends really, Anthony calls me too much and I never feel like talking to him, I feel bad about it....but when I'm feeling really shitty I just don't want to talk to anyone, I want to hide. And today was definetly a depressing day, after last night and all.
"Instant Messenger" - Now in 3 Flavors!: I hate myself on stupid instant messenger conversations, so no one ever IM me please. It's like some weird bi-polar disease only triggered by typed words. It really stemmed a lot of thought today about how I am two different people. I'm fine and happy and spaztic in person, but online, I can be depressing, downright awful to talk to. I don't know, maybe it's just that IM lets me get out some of the things I hide in person. Or maybe I'm just too afraid of people to reveal anything too erm....well revealing.
Mute: I was super sad at work today, but I was really quiet for the most part, and I liked that part a lot. I want to be the quiet girl who seems mysterious and intriguing. I'm sick of being loud and brash and obnoxious.
I Hate Everything About Me: Maybe it's time for me to drastically change myself. I could make a huge list about everything I hate about myself, but that may bore the audience. But god, if the way I am now isn't making me happy, isn't that a sign I should change because it seems people don't really like me a whole lot either? Like HELLO, there has to be some reason why I have no friends, no boyfriend, no life.
Phone Tag - Freeze style: I always wondered if I should just not ever wait for someone to call me and just call them. There is something in the way of this though : I am deathly afraid that by calling someone I am being an extreme nusciance, that there is a reason no one calls me, and could it be *gasp* that they don't want to talk to me? Logic deducts yes. Should I blame this on past boyfriends because I would get so attatched to them I never really had the opportunity to attatch to a friend? I never understood all of it. I haven't been able to have a best friend, or any friend at that matter, since I left California, 5 years ago. Do people not enjoy my company, do they not think when they have a party, "her company would be awesome."? This all belong in the Invisible section.
Me,Me,Me,Me, Figaro, Figaro: I feel so damn selfish. Everyone else's livejournal is about anything but themself. But I don't know, I guess I need that outlet, and not like anyone even reads this pathethic journal or gives a crap.
Let Non-Existent God Strike Me Down: A sign would be nice, or some answers to my undying questions, my livid insecurities. I know I shouldn't be asking and I should be doing, but I can't help being afraid, I can't help feeling the failure I am and just give up before I try.
The Lunatic Is in My Head: Mental demons devour me. I ask for such simple things, I just want love, I want love to find me, please? All I ask for is some good thing to make me happy, someone to notice me that I want to notice me.
Knight in Shining L'amor: When is my Prince Charming going to rescue me and sweep me off my feet with kind words and a sincere heart? Who the hell is my Prince Charming, because man, I could really use a rescuing right about now, rescuing from myself.
How do You Feel?: I think that you know you're in love with someone when just being in their presence makes you feel amazing. And of course, the only person who did that, completely rejected me. Story of my life.