Ficlet: Can't Fool a Werewolf (or, Sirius Black Never Gets a Break) (S/R, PG13)
I was just going to write a hopeless little snippet to demonstrate why I can't... really CAN'T(!) write S/R (or... anything else) of any substance, but then the snippet grew a bit and it's still stupid & pointless & fluffy & probably crackier than my last crack because I don't even try to stay within the bounds of plausibility that much (...yeah). But it's here if you want to point and laugh.
...Just don't read if you want a sensitive or sexy or... uh, remotely sane or even shippy S/R fic or just a good fic or whatever ^^;
Disclaimer: not mine.
A/N: this is what happens when I don't take my vitamins :/
- Can't Fool A Werewolf (or, Sirius Black Never Gets a Break) -
"Do your homework, then we'll talk. And that means no pouting, Sirius."
"Why can't you be less uptight? I'm bored, bothered and bewildered over here!"
"Umm... just in case you two were going to ask, I'm not here!" (squeaks and giggles)
"Why can't you just accept that no means no! Sometimes!"
(smirky puppy-eyes slowly giving way to a raised eyebrow)
"Okay fine, so I'm not exactly-- stop that! And you know that look doesn't-- oh fine, but I can't come-- stop that!"
"But mum!" (chuckle) "I mean, Reeeeemus..." (in a cutesy whine)
"Sirius..." (indulgently, but in a dry tone)
"I want to go plaaaay!" (bouncing)
"Now now, you're not actually a dog, Sirius." (rolls eyes) "You're a menace, you realize that. Well, of course you do, what am I saying. Why do I even bother?" (muttering to himself)
"Hmf. You're no fun at all. I'll show you! See if I don't!"
"It really is like half your brain is gone whenever James is in the Hospital Wing...." (muttering)
"Hey! I resent that! I have a lot of brain to go around!"
"Mm." (with the patented Skeptical Remus Look) "I know. You should use it sometimes when it's not an emergency, too."
* * *
"This is never going to work out, Remus Lupin." (a pause) "I really ought to stop talking to myself and finish my homework and do the silly rounds." (a sigh) "If only I could bloody concentrate these days."
"God, Remus is hot when he's maudlin." (whispering to himself) "Should I interrupt him?" (a pause) "Nah."
"Who am I kidding?" (chuckles) "Even I can't take myself seriously, so what did I expect?" (a pause) "Well, probably someone to--"
(stifled chuckling)
"Hullo? Hullo?"
(silence)
"You may as well come out, Sirius, I can smell you from here."
"But you were just getting to the good part!" (a pause) "Could you really smell me?"
"It's a turn of phrase, I'll have you know. I'm not actually superhuman, clearly, though I admit that's troublesome sometimes, like when I want to blink and turn you into a-- anyway, I'm not, okay?"
"Rats!" (a pause) "You were going to say 'little puppy', weren't you? Oh Remus, I can make your dreams come true after all!"
(a groan)
* * *
"You know, Sirius definitely has got a crush on you-- has done for ages, really."
(bursts out into peals of laughter) "Oh-- oh-- Lily-- you shouldn't do that to a bloke-- oh!" (wipes tears of mirth) "Thanks, I needed that today."
"Really! No respect for womanly intuition. See if I share any more secrets with you, Mssr. Lupin!"
"I'd like to know where Zonko's keeps its secret stash. I suspect they'll never stop trying to sneak in till they find it and it's playing hell on my sleep schedule."
"What you have...." (a sniff) "What you have is a dreadful lack of imagination, and that's all I'll say on the topic."
* * *
"What you need--" (taps a finger against his lips dramatically) "All you need to be able to pull just about anyone is a sexy attitude, Moony. You just need to believe it."
"Sirius...." (rolls his eyes) "Nevermind. Believe what?"
"It! It! Believe you're sexy! Do you believe you're sexy, Remus?" (grinning wildly) "You wouldn't even have to wear anything different-- though of course you should, but that's beside the point. The point! The point, my friend, is that if you learn from me (and James), you could never go wrong!"
"Just like you never go wrong, I take it?"
"Yes, exactly!" (a pause) "Hey!"
"Look, can we just--" (purses his lips) "Can you just drop it? I'm not going to be the subject of a prank just because you're that bored. Take it up with James, will you?"
"You think this is about Lily?"
"Well, what else can it possibly be about, hmm? James is growing up without you, and--" (the door slams shut)
"I think you've hurt his feelings."
"Shut up, Peter."
* * *
"I'm not sexy, okay!" (yelling, with echoes)
"I don't think the Giant Squid quite heard you there, Moony. You should try harder."
"Ack! James! I-- er--"
(a sigh) "Sirius's done it again, hasn't he? This is what I get for leaving him alone for one second."
"Er, well, he's happy for you, James, it's just--"
(snorts) "Yeah, I know. Nothing to worry about, mate. I'm more concerned about you and the things he might-- er, perhaps you should talk to Sirius about that."
"What?"
"Just ask him. Tell him James sent you. I'm sure he'd understand."
"Huh?"
"Or maybe it's for the best if you don't." (coughs) "So, how'd'you like that last game? Hufflepuff beat Slytherin! I don't think they'll ever live that one down... for a few months, at the earliest. Snape looks even more depressed than usual, though I don't know if that's actually possible." (rubs chin thoughtfully) "Uh-- you won't-- um, don't tell Lils, all right?"
"No, of course not. So yeah. Sirius thinks we need a celebration. I mean, I told him it was a Hufflepuff party, but since he's going out with-- what's her name?-- Celesta, was it? He thinks he could get me drunk enough for a bloody make-over and crash a Hufflepuff party all in one fell swoop." (rolls his eyes)
"A--" (chokes) "A make-over, you say?"
(a pause) "...It's a long story."
* * *
"Paaaadfoot...." (drooling, then snuffling) "I think I'm seeing things funny-- er. Wow. Julia's breasts are doubling-- no wait, tripling!"
(pushing away to flop back on the couch) "Tell me you did not just drool on my shoulder while ogling a Hufflepuff female."
(a thoughtful pause) "But Padfoot... you are fucking a Hufflepuff female yourself... and besides-- we're Gryffindors'n'all that rubbish-- yeah? It's good to be-- egari-- how'd'you-- egalira-ri-- egawitarian, yeah? Yeah...." (burrows back into right shoulder) "Mmm, you're bony."
(snorts) "You bet your bony arse I am." (ruffling his hair) "You know what?"
"Wha--?"
"You're a bloody soppy drunk is what you are. I dunno if I have the heart to cross-dress ya in this state. 'Tis a shame, though. A crying shame is what it is... Merlin's balls, you'd look good in knickers."
"But Paaaadfoot... knickers are for girls. So they'd be soft and-- soft and perky and-- oh, who knows. Anyway, I bet you've seen lots prettier girls' knickers, all lacy'n-- lacy and nice, with pretty white thighs'n-- things... stupid scars." (another snuffle)
(a rumbly chuckle) "I hope you don't remember any of this in the morning-- for your sake as well as mine, really. Well, upsy daisy--" (grunts) "God, you're heavy-- and hey, whassat there? That better not be for Julia!"
"Mmm?"
"Go to sleep, Remus."
"But what'll you do with me? Will you carry me?"
"I'll lighten you up, you sod. As to what I'll do-- shouldn't that be for me to know and for you to find out?"
"Does that mean you'll ravish me? James seemed to-- James-- nnngh...." (snores)
"What a waste." (sigh) "It's always like this though, isn't it. Sirius Black never gets a break." (a pause) "Damn, it's just not the same without an audience."
* * *
"Sirius Orion Black!"
"J-james?" (groggy)
"...You dirty old dog, you! So you finally bit the bone." (chortles) "So to speak."
"I've no room for your juvenile humor this early in-- Wait, wait-- REMUS! REMUS IS NAKED, OH MY FUCKING CHRIST!"
"The old boy is catching on at last."
"WHY IS REMUS NAKED IN MY BED? Wormtail?"
"Buh?"
"Don't pick on others to cover up your own inadequacies, Black." (drawling imitation) "Tsk!"
"Sirius--?" (mumbled into the ribcage) "Wha--?"
"You better have an explanation for this, is all I'm saying. Well, I'd stay to watch and maybe get some chips, but I have an urgent appointment at the loo, so cheers, mate." (door thumps shut)
"Erk! I mean, me too! Cheers-- yeah."
(groans) "They all desert me in the end. Bastards."
"Sirius? Why am I naked?" (very softly)
"Er... there's really no good way to say this, so I'll just--?" (cringes, mumbling incoherently) "I mean-- it's not what you're thinking-- at least, I think-- not that we can't fix that, but--"
"...And what is that SMELL?"
* * *
"James?" (sounds of running water and peeing)
"Hmm?"
"D'you reckon they're snogging by now?"
"Nah. Give it a few more years, maybe."
* * *
...Just don't read if you want a sensitive or sexy or... uh, remotely sane or even shippy S/R fic or just a good fic or whatever ^^;
Disclaimer: not mine.
A/N: this is what happens when I don't take my vitamins :/
- Can't Fool A Werewolf (or, Sirius Black Never Gets a Break) -
"Do your homework, then we'll talk. And that means no pouting, Sirius."
"Why can't you be less uptight? I'm bored, bothered and bewildered over here!"
"Umm... just in case you two were going to ask, I'm not here!" (squeaks and giggles)
"Why can't you just accept that no means no! Sometimes!"
(smirky puppy-eyes slowly giving way to a raised eyebrow)
"Okay fine, so I'm not exactly-- stop that! And you know that look doesn't-- oh fine, but I can't come-- stop that!"
"But mum!" (chuckle) "I mean, Reeeeemus..." (in a cutesy whine)
"Sirius..." (indulgently, but in a dry tone)
"I want to go plaaaay!" (bouncing)
"Now now, you're not actually a dog, Sirius." (rolls eyes) "You're a menace, you realize that. Well, of course you do, what am I saying. Why do I even bother?" (muttering to himself)
"Hmf. You're no fun at all. I'll show you! See if I don't!"
"It really is like half your brain is gone whenever James is in the Hospital Wing...." (muttering)
"Hey! I resent that! I have a lot of brain to go around!"
"Mm." (with the patented Skeptical Remus Look) "I know. You should use it sometimes when it's not an emergency, too."
* * *
"This is never going to work out, Remus Lupin." (a pause) "I really ought to stop talking to myself and finish my homework and do the silly rounds." (a sigh) "If only I could bloody concentrate these days."
"God, Remus is hot when he's maudlin." (whispering to himself) "Should I interrupt him?" (a pause) "Nah."
"Who am I kidding?" (chuckles) "Even I can't take myself seriously, so what did I expect?" (a pause) "Well, probably someone to--"
(stifled chuckling)
"Hullo? Hullo?"
(silence)
"You may as well come out, Sirius, I can smell you from here."
"But you were just getting to the good part!" (a pause) "Could you really smell me?"
"It's a turn of phrase, I'll have you know. I'm not actually superhuman, clearly, though I admit that's troublesome sometimes, like when I want to blink and turn you into a-- anyway, I'm not, okay?"
"Rats!" (a pause) "You were going to say 'little puppy', weren't you? Oh Remus, I can make your dreams come true after all!"
(a groan)
* * *
"You know, Sirius definitely has got a crush on you-- has done for ages, really."
(bursts out into peals of laughter) "Oh-- oh-- Lily-- you shouldn't do that to a bloke-- oh!" (wipes tears of mirth) "Thanks, I needed that today."
"Really! No respect for womanly intuition. See if I share any more secrets with you, Mssr. Lupin!"
"I'd like to know where Zonko's keeps its secret stash. I suspect they'll never stop trying to sneak in till they find it and it's playing hell on my sleep schedule."
"What you have...." (a sniff) "What you have is a dreadful lack of imagination, and that's all I'll say on the topic."
* * *
"What you need--" (taps a finger against his lips dramatically) "All you need to be able to pull just about anyone is a sexy attitude, Moony. You just need to believe it."
"Sirius...." (rolls his eyes) "Nevermind. Believe what?"
"It! It! Believe you're sexy! Do you believe you're sexy, Remus?" (grinning wildly) "You wouldn't even have to wear anything different-- though of course you should, but that's beside the point. The point! The point, my friend, is that if you learn from me (and James), you could never go wrong!"
"Just like you never go wrong, I take it?"
"Yes, exactly!" (a pause) "Hey!"
"Look, can we just--" (purses his lips) "Can you just drop it? I'm not going to be the subject of a prank just because you're that bored. Take it up with James, will you?"
"You think this is about Lily?"
"Well, what else can it possibly be about, hmm? James is growing up without you, and--" (the door slams shut)
"I think you've hurt his feelings."
"Shut up, Peter."
* * *
"I'm not sexy, okay!" (yelling, with echoes)
"I don't think the Giant Squid quite heard you there, Moony. You should try harder."
"Ack! James! I-- er--"
(a sigh) "Sirius's done it again, hasn't he? This is what I get for leaving him alone for one second."
"Er, well, he's happy for you, James, it's just--"
(snorts) "Yeah, I know. Nothing to worry about, mate. I'm more concerned about you and the things he might-- er, perhaps you should talk to Sirius about that."
"What?"
"Just ask him. Tell him James sent you. I'm sure he'd understand."
"Huh?"
"Or maybe it's for the best if you don't." (coughs) "So, how'd'you like that last game? Hufflepuff beat Slytherin! I don't think they'll ever live that one down... for a few months, at the earliest. Snape looks even more depressed than usual, though I don't know if that's actually possible." (rubs chin thoughtfully) "Uh-- you won't-- um, don't tell Lils, all right?"
"No, of course not. So yeah. Sirius thinks we need a celebration. I mean, I told him it was a Hufflepuff party, but since he's going out with-- what's her name?-- Celesta, was it? He thinks he could get me drunk enough for a bloody make-over and crash a Hufflepuff party all in one fell swoop." (rolls his eyes)
"A--" (chokes) "A make-over, you say?"
(a pause) "...It's a long story."
* * *
"Paaaadfoot...." (drooling, then snuffling) "I think I'm seeing things funny-- er. Wow. Julia's breasts are doubling-- no wait, tripling!"
(pushing away to flop back on the couch) "Tell me you did not just drool on my shoulder while ogling a Hufflepuff female."
(a thoughtful pause) "But Padfoot... you are fucking a Hufflepuff female yourself... and besides-- we're Gryffindors'n'all that rubbish-- yeah? It's good to be-- egari-- how'd'you-- egalira-ri-- egawitarian, yeah? Yeah...." (burrows back into right shoulder) "Mmm, you're bony."
(snorts) "You bet your bony arse I am." (ruffling his hair) "You know what?"
"Wha--?"
"You're a bloody soppy drunk is what you are. I dunno if I have the heart to cross-dress ya in this state. 'Tis a shame, though. A crying shame is what it is... Merlin's balls, you'd look good in knickers."
"But Paaaadfoot... knickers are for girls. So they'd be soft and-- soft and perky and-- oh, who knows. Anyway, I bet you've seen lots prettier girls' knickers, all lacy'n-- lacy and nice, with pretty white thighs'n-- things... stupid scars." (another snuffle)
(a rumbly chuckle) "I hope you don't remember any of this in the morning-- for your sake as well as mine, really. Well, upsy daisy--" (grunts) "God, you're heavy-- and hey, whassat there? That better not be for Julia!"
"Mmm?"
"Go to sleep, Remus."
"But what'll you do with me? Will you carry me?"
"I'll lighten you up, you sod. As to what I'll do-- shouldn't that be for me to know and for you to find out?"
"Does that mean you'll ravish me? James seemed to-- James-- nnngh...." (snores)
"What a waste." (sigh) "It's always like this though, isn't it. Sirius Black never gets a break." (a pause) "Damn, it's just not the same without an audience."
* * *
"Sirius Orion Black!"
"J-james?" (groggy)
"...You dirty old dog, you! So you finally bit the bone." (chortles) "So to speak."
"I've no room for your juvenile humor this early in-- Wait, wait-- REMUS! REMUS IS NAKED, OH MY FUCKING CHRIST!"
"The old boy is catching on at last."
"WHY IS REMUS NAKED IN MY BED? Wormtail?"
"Buh?"
"Don't pick on others to cover up your own inadequacies, Black." (drawling imitation) "Tsk!"
"Sirius--?" (mumbled into the ribcage) "Wha--?"
"You better have an explanation for this, is all I'm saying. Well, I'd stay to watch and maybe get some chips, but I have an urgent appointment at the loo, so cheers, mate." (door thumps shut)
"Erk! I mean, me too! Cheers-- yeah."
(groans) "They all desert me in the end. Bastards."
"Sirius? Why am I naked?" (very softly)
"Er... there's really no good way to say this, so I'll just--?" (cringes, mumbling incoherently) "I mean-- it's not what you're thinking-- at least, I think-- not that we can't fix that, but--"
"...And what is that SMELL?"
* * *
"James?" (sounds of running water and peeing)
"Hmm?"
"D'you reckon they're snogging by now?"
"Nah. Give it a few more years, maybe."
* * *