Closing The Door (5/5)
Title: Closing the Door
Author: robert3A-SN on ff.net
Character/pairing: Jeff/Annie, Britta/Troy, Annie/Troy friendship
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,426 words in final chapter, 15,632 words overall
Genres: Romance, friendship, humor
Summary: Chapter 5: Annie pays Jeff a visit.
Disclaimer: If I owned Community, everyone involved in it would be back in S4, but I don’t and they won’t.
A/N: The fic is also at ff.net at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8516567/5/, but feedback is encouraged to be left on here.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4
Annie had it all worked out in her head when she got to Jeff’s apartment room door. It was just a matter of being composed enough to do it. But when Jeff opened the door and Annie’s face stayed still - unlike his - it was so far, so good.
“Can I come in?” Annie asked plainly. She asked calmly without pressing him, knowing there was a good chance he’d keep her out regardless. Yet without a word, Jeff stepped back and gave Annie room to enter.
Instead of talking right away, Annie went to the nearest table and put down her book bag. “Is it okay if I do my work in here?”she requested. “I don’t know if I can go to my apartment right now. Unless Britta and Troy are getting physical at her place….but I’d rather not look for proof.”
“Getting what?” Jeff snapped out of it. “You’re telling me they’re….” Annie nodded decisively, noting Jeff’s legitimate shock. “They really did it?”
“It looked that way when they told me,” Annie informed. “So just in case, I’m hiding out here. If it’s okay with you.”
“Is that why you’re here? Just to study?” Jeff dug into. Now it was Annie’s time to actually do something right.
“Jeff, there’s a lot more I want to do, you know that. But I’m not going to make you,” Annie set up. “But I’m not going to hide from you either. What I want to do is stay here, do my work, and maybe relax and watch TV with you when I’m done. But I won’t say anything. Not unless you want me to, or you want to say something first. I’m going at your own pace this time.”
“What the heck for?” Jeff said, rather confused.
“You know, you’re so convinced that I’ll break your heart forever in the end, no matter what you do,” Annie stated before sitting down.
“Those exact words never left my lips,” Jeff defended.
“They didn’t have to. In any case, if I didn’t give up on Troy and Britta today, even after you screwed me up, I don’t see me giving up on you. That strategy’s already worked once against all odds today. But I’m not pushing it,” Annie repeated.
“I’ll be here for a few hours, and if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. Maybe I’ll come back when they use the apartment again, but I still won’t say anything until you do. I won’t be mad either way, though. Either way, I’m not forcing or tricking you to do anything, Jeff. And I won’t abandon you, or let you push me away so I can’t do it later. Not today, and not ever. But it’s up to you now.”
There it was. No demands, no manipulation - at least as overt as usual - and no childish outbursts to make Jeff uncomfortable. He needed to know she wouldn’t back down, but that she would give him room to make the next move without any trickery - and that either way, he wouldn’t lose her.
She didn’t have to scare him like she scared Britta this week. Maybe she did a year or two ago, but he wasn’t that bad anymore, and Annie had a clear enough head to know that now. Hopefully Jeff could accept it too.
Either way, Annie had said her piece and would leave it there. She took out her textbooks to do her work, leaving Jeff to watch TV at a low volume. She actually did catch up on her schoolwork over the next hour, so that was an added bonus. But she needed to relax, so she quietly went to Jeff’s couch when she was done.
Without a word, she watched TV with him, regardless of what he put on. There was tension from the silence, of course, yet Annie was hardly as nervous as she was hours ago. In fact, her words and tactics so far had almost made her calm, having done all she could do.
But there was one thing she had forgotten to do. Although part of it made her uneasy, she had to do it anyway.
“There’s one thing I do need to say, Jeff,” Annie started. “And that’s thank you.” Of course, she’d need to say more than one thing to properly explain.
“You weren’t really trying to help me yesterday. But if you didn’t say those things to me, I couldn’t have done what I did today,” Annie theorized. “I faced my selfishness and my old feelings, helped my friends, and grew up a little bit more. I still hate how you ‘helped’ me do it, but maybe I needed to hear that stuff. So I’m still giving you a very qualified thank you.”
Now that Annie gave Jeff his credit - no matter how accidental his help was - she really could have a clear conscience when she left. So she stayed content for the next few minutes and kept her focus on the TV - until Jeff actually did speak.
“You bought that?” Jeff got out, which threw Annie off a little.
“Well, yeah. Part of me was being selfish, I know that now,” Annie admitted again.
“Jesus, you can’t….” Jeff groaned, then made himself continue, “I said it to convince me, not you! You had to know that!”
Annie did know it, in fact. She didn’t want to believe it in case she was wrong, and she had way too much to deal with already. But Jeff continued to look honest as he said, “Annie, you’re the least selfish person I’ve ever met! Hell, you proved it today! You said you wouldn’t stop until you got them together, and apparently you did! Even after all my lies!”
“There was still some truth in those lies,” Annie conceded. “But I wouldn’t have faced it and beat it if you didn’t point it out. So even when you’re being a jerk, you manage to help me. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t like that, but life isn’t a fairy tale. I learned that a lot earlier than some people think.”
“Believe me, I know. Even if I made that hard to believe,” Jeff admitted. After enough time went by, Jeff changed the subject by asking, “So….I guess you found out about Troy and Britta from Troy and Britta. Or just Troy?”
“Britta told me too. She told me some other stuff too, by the way,” Annie informed and Jeff cringed, obviously knowing what that stuff was.
There was a lot Annie could ask about why Jeff looked so nervous, or even scared, when it looked like she might kiss Troy - despite knowing she was acting. But since there might be just one chance to get an honest answer, she settled on a really good question.
“Jeff, you knew my whole plan was an act, and you were terrified anyway! But if you didn’t know, what would you have done? And don’t just tell me what you think I want to hear. If you didn’t know better and you thought I wanted Troy for real, what would you have done? Or what would you have wanted to do? Even if you don’t think you could have done it?” Annie clarified.
Annie was taking a chance here, but she temporarily trusted Jeff to give a real answer. Even if he didn’t, she couldn’t let it affect her too much. The point was to stay by him and be patient, even if he went back into denial or said she was seeing things again.
Instead, he said, “What would I have done? I don’t know. What would I have wanted to do? Everything I did to Britta on that table in paintball war 1. And then 10 times more than that.”
Annie’s throat caught and she didn’t know if she’d ever stop turning red. Somehow, the next actual words out of her mouth were, “Even with the group there?”
“By that point, I’d have forgotten the group existed. That’s how nuts fantasy me would have gone,” Jeff admitted.
Annie looked away from Jeff so he couldn’t see her go red - and maybe to avoid checking his eyes for lies. “Right, fantasy you,” she repeated. “Not that I want that fantasy to come true! Not with people watching,” she couldn’t help but clarify, and now she really couldn’t look at him.
After a while longer, she fully recouped and rationalized, “I get it, Jeff. If you can’t have me, no one can, so that’s why you’d have kissed me before Troy did. That’s all.”
“No, it’s not! It’s not even….” Annie heard Jeff sputter. “God, is there any way you can just get it without me….spelling it out? You can read subtlety, you’re not a child anymore! I’ve been an adult a lot less than you have, so I’d know!”
“See, you spelled that out and the world didn’t end! Besides, reading things doesn’t always work, remember?” Annie answered but caught herself, remembering she wasn’t attacking him like that anymore.
“I know, okay? I know all of it! A lot of good it’s doing me!” Jeff responded. “I mean, Britta just got her act together! Britta! So nothing should stop me from doing what I want!”
“But something is, so what is it?” Annie tried to say steadily.
“You! Or at least the damn conscience you gave me!” Jeff let out. Annie finally turned to see him, and was startled how defeated he looked.
“That son of a bitch keeps telling me I shouldn’t kiss you, or be with you, just because Britta got it right first. Of course, when I tell myself I want it for better reasons, my conscience sics that other stuff on me,” Jeff confessed.
“Stuff like knowing that once I kiss you, I’m gonna want more than that, and not just the bed stuff. Or like knowing deep in my gut, I can’t get all that the way I am now. And then those visions of me trying, me screwing up and then you never talking or smiling at me again….no matter how addicted I got to it….well, that’s not a fun bonus.”
God, it was actually working. Another half-baked Annie plan was working and he was admitting things! But like the last crazy plan, it looked like there’d be an asterisk to that success.
“Jeff, I just hinted I wouldn’t do that to you,” Annie reminded.
“And I just said I know! I know I want you and everything that comes with it! But there’s still 35 years of garbage, fears and insecurities I still haven’t cleared yet! Every time I think I want to try, I think about how I’d hurt both of us by the end, and I get blocked. Then I do dumb things like attack you and smirk at you and call you selfish and ignore you to stop feeling that bad! Or as bad, anyway,” Jeff corrected. “It’s so stupid, but that’s just what I am!”
“Jeff….” Annie wished that wasn’t all she had, but that’s just what she was right now. Out of words after he sucked them dry.
“It makes no sense. We should be past this after almost four years. Hell, I should be past it after 35!” Jeff did the math. “You kicked me in the ass more than you kicked Britta today, but I’m not kissing you! Why is she brave enough and I’m not?”
“Because you’re not Britta. And I’m not Troy, and the two of us aren’t them. But that’s not a bad thing,” Annie said right as she realized it.
Now getting her words back, she continued, “They can go faster because that’s the kind of people they are. They’re impulsive, passionate, not afraid to embarrass themselves, and they’re not afraid to get back up again when they do! That’s their pace as individuals, and it’ll be the same when they’re together!”
“God, what have you unleashed on the world, Edison?” Jeff couldn’t help but interrupt.
“Yeah, I know,” Annie conceded, but forced herself back on point. “Anyway, that’s who they are and it works for them! But it’s not you and me, though. We’re repressed, perfectionists in our own ways, uptight and rigid in our own ways, and we can’t get out of our own heads long enough to just take a leap! Or be the kind of people we want to be!”
“But you’re so much braver than I am, so that’s where it all falls apart,” Jeff pointed out.
“Maybe I’m brave enough to grow up faster than you,” Annie teased. “But maybe you’re starting to catch up to me after all.”
“Maybe. Still doesn’t change that much,” Jeff sighed. “I’ve been working on this for a year. Two or three maybe. Even after the way you…..concerned me lately, that nonsense is still there. It might not stop me from saying things anymore. But doing things is still something else. And the stuff I do do to you….it always makes me feel really sorry. Even if I can’t say it directly. Like now for instance.”
Annie let out a little smile and admitted, “Well, I’m that indirectly sorry too, so there you go.” She then went on, “But that’s more proof you’ve gotten through a lot of nonsense so far. Maybe you need help the last mile of the way,” Annie offered. “And I’d like to think I’m an expert at facing nonsense by now.”
“I can’t ask that,” Jeff backtracked. “You’ve waited way too long for me already. You shouldn’t be the one adapting and changing for me. It just makes me more convinced I can’t make it work.”
“Jeff, you’ve adapted and changed for me first. More than I’ve given you credit for, it looks like. So I should do the same for you. And there’s a huge difference between waiting and not knowing you want me, and waiting and knowing you do. That’s all I ever wanted from you. After the schoolgirl fantasies died, anyway,” Annie added.
“Going slow doesn’t mean you’re disappointing or hurting me. Not anymore, anyway. We’re not quick fix, rush into things people like Britta and Troy. Maybe that’s why we didn’t work with them, or with each other right away. But now that I know how to be patient, or at least not to rush you more than I have to, then I can work with you. And not leave you, either,” Annie tied together.
To tie things together more, she rubbed in, “And you know if there’s any chance I can help someone, even in some crazy, stupid, plan, I won’t stop no matter how dumb it is. Right?” She almost giggled, but her smile faded as she waited for Jeff to answer. He almost nodded for a second, yet no words came out.
Not until, “Annie, I’m going to ask you something I should have a long time ago.” Her breath held from there before he added, “Will you go to therapy with me?”
Annie’s first instinct was to be outraged, after getting her hopes up yet again. Her next instinct, when she actually thought about his offer, was to be flattered and moved. But when she finally visibly reacted, she used none of those instincts and found herself laughing.
“Jeff, you really are new at this!” she called out, but in an amused way. Just in case, she reassured, “I’m not making fun of you, I swear, of course I’ll go! Only if you want me to! I just saw the funny side first, that’s all!”
“Yeah, it’s a hilarious way to woo someone isn’t it?” Jeff commented, in a weird mix between bitterness and his usual, witty self. He sounded more normal when he went on, “Anyway, between the progress I make with my therapist and with you, putting you in the same room could be a killer combo. And if we both survive….maybe we could go to dinner to celebrate.”
“Maybe,” Annie said yet again. But between Jeff actually trusting her that much, Jeff asking her to dinner and everything else, she was running out of words again.
So Jeff continued with, “I know this is big by my standards. but it still isn’t enough. You can’t settle for the bare minimum from me! But I sure as hell know I’ll never do more if I keep going it alone. And I can’t do that anymore.” Annie’s déjà vu further flared as Jeff echoed, “Maybe doing it with your help will work better. Not much can work worse, right?”
“I guess we’ll find out, Britta,” Annie joked. Jeff groaned in more ways than one, but still looked pretty okay. In contrast, Annie was finally worn out.
“Jeff, there’s still a lot we both have to go over. But I’m pretty tired right now. It’s been a really long day, and it’s been a really long last four days too. You’ve been worn down for two yourself,” she needled. “Right now, I just want to relax for once in my life. And I think the best way is to sit back, give my brain a rest, and do it with my best friend.” She quickly saw her mistake and yelped, “Relax, I mean! That’s the it!”
“Oh. Well, my guesses were way off,” Jeff quipped, which made Annie both embarrassed and almost relieved. “In any case, that’s something I want to do too.” To make it as clear as he could, he sat closer to Annie, put his right arm on the couch behind her, and handed her the remote as well.
Annie flipped through the channels until she found something she liked, and that Jeff wouldn’t totally trash. Even if he had some trash in reserve, he kept it to himself anyway. All he did was watch quietly - and comfortably - with her.
In Annie’s fantasies about Troy, she never pictured them relaxing together - at least not without romantic cuddling and other over the moon gestures. In her slightly more mature fantasies about Jeff, they cuddled on the couch and later cuddled in bed after….wearing themselves out.
But in her all or nothing view of romance back then, Annie never just relaxed comfortably with someone - or saw silence as soothing instead of awkward or cowardly. It was actually very refreshing.
She still thought about how Britta and Troy made even more progress tonight. Given the much longer, epic buildup for Jeff and Annie, something still told her they should have done it first. Even after Jeff confessed some things, he was still technically staying at arm’s length, and that didn’t seem like a huge step forward on paper.
But then Jeff found Annie’s hand on top of her leg and placed his hand over it.
Annie just glanced at him briefly without saying anything, trying to focus on the TV. Yet when she glanced again, he could see a growing smile on Jeff’s face as he held her hand, then dared to put his right arm around her shoulder.
Of course when Jeff noticed Annie looking, he tried to make his expression neutral, like he tried with Britta earlier. However, after Annie turned away for a few moments, she looked over again and saw him smiling the smallest smile he could - which still wasn’t enough to hide it.
At that moment, Annie didn’t care how this was all Jeff could do. She didn’t care about the long road still ahead, Jeff’s remaining issues, her remaining doubts, or Britta and Troy somehow being further along than them. Right now, she had something she never got in all her time fawning over Troy, or over Jeff for most of the past few years.
She didn’t feel alone. She didn’t feel ignored or tossed aside, or incomplete for having such one-sided, childish feelings. No matter how it got to this point, what she didn’t get and what still had to be done, Annie felt….loved.
Even if Jeff couldn’t say it or show it in bigger ways yet, Annie felt - she now knew - that someone valued and adored her the way she always wanted. Even if she had felt it with Troy someday, or with Jeff much earlier, she knew it would never have been like this.
The same would probably apply when Jeff touched her other bare places. But there’d be time to test that. For the first time in Annie’s love life, or her life in general, it was finally just a question of when. Even if she didn’t need mean, stupid plans that somehow worked anyway to speed it along after all.
THE END