The Day After Doomsday
Jack was looking quite pleased with himself.
It was sexy on him, Ianto had to admit.
Not that Ianto would ever let him know that. Jack’s ego was big enough as it was.
Still, Death knew that Apocalypse had a reason to be pleased…his millennia-long prank on the residents of the planet, Earth, having to do with the upcoming Mayan Doomsday, was finally coming to fruition.
Death joined his lover as Jack watched the Earth spinning below them. Honestly, he was quite happy for the whole thing to be over. It had been a long several months for Ianto, having to deal with the sexual frustration and having to put up with nearly everyone assuming that he was, in fact, pining.
Well, maybe he had been. Just a little. Maybe a bit. But certainly not for the reasons everyone had thought. Because they all had the wrong idea of just what his and Jack’s relationship actually was, which Ianto had to admit was pretty sad, and particularly irritating.
Jack laughed. “Sometimes I can’t believe how gullible the mortals are. I mean, honestly…they actually believed a prophecy from a long-gone people saying the world was going to end on this particular day?”
“You did work hard to convince them,” Ianto commented.
“I did,” Apocalypse admitted, and sounding very proud about it, too, “although it was really almost too easy. But then, the Mayans really knew how to be all ominous about that sort of thing. Great partiers, too. Did I tell you about the time that the general, Siyah K’ak, tried to convince everyone that he hadn’t killed the former king but, instead, had challenged him to a drinking contest and had won the kingdom in it when Chak Tok Ich’aak drank himself to death? Not exactly the truth…unless you count him poisoning the Balche as winning…”
“And I’m certain that wasn’t encouraged by anyone,” Ianto replied, his voice so dry it caused a drought over the middle United States.
Apocalypse actually managed to look innocent. Not that Death believed it, of course, because he knew Jack far too well to fall for that sort of thing anymore.
“Ah,” Jack said instead, “I love playing jokes on the mortals. It really makes my century. All that work and it comes down to this: a lot of panic for absolutely nothing. It’s fantastic.”
“Are you sure you aren’t related to Chaos?” Ianto asked innocently.
Jack gave him a look that had Death quaking in his shoes…and in a really good way. “Are you deliberately being insulting?”
“Not at all,” Ianto answered. “If it were being insulting, you wouldn’t have to ask.”
“You have a point.” He turned back to the quietly spinning Earth below them. “Of course, if you were, then I’d have to come up with some creative punishment.”
“You can do that without me insulting you, Sir.”
Jack growled. “You know what you calling me ‘sir’ does to me.”
Ianto raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure I have no idea what you mean by that.” He could pull off innocent much better than Jack ever would be able to.
“Sure you don’t. Now, if you’re finished being a complete and utter distraction…”
“I’ll let you get back to it.” Death smirked as his lover turned back to his examination of the blue-green planet below them. He played with the idea of using a bit of power to flick one of the orbiting satellites out of kilter, but refrained. It wasn’t as if the humans could even see them with their primitive equipment, but this was Jack’s show, and the last thing he wanted to do was interfere.
Death may have had his fair share of crises during Jack’s time preparing for this non-Doomsday, but he wasn’t about to interrupt his lover’s enjoyment as nothing at all happened. He appreciated a good joke as much as anyone else and this one had been going on for far longer than he’d been the reigning Avatar of Death. There was no way he was going to get in the way of his Apocalypse enjoying himself over the gullibility of humankind.
However, while Jack had been gone he’d discovered quite a bit that he hadn’t been aware of before.
He’d learned a lot about his friends and co-workers, so despite the frustration he’d felt at being left alone with just his hand for company it been an interesting time. He’d even gotten closer to his sister, which was a plus. But it was realising that everyone in the Department - with the exception of Donna, his PA - honestly believed he was simply Jack’s chosen shag, and that there was nothing else between them that had been a surprise. Apparently it didn’t matter that he and Apocalypse had been together for centuries; everyone had managed to get the completely wrong impression.
Which would have been entertaining if he hadn’t been irritated by his colleagues’ unwillingness to accept that he and Jack were together for the long haul. Even Good had made comments about it, and Good talking about sex was highly entertaining if only because it embarrassed the shit out of the Celestial. Ianto had been tempted to ask Toshiko to hack into the CCTV system for the footage; however he really didn’t want it getting around that one of their ultimate bosses had called Death on the carpet about his and Apocalypse’s sex life.
Ianto didn’t think he’d been more frustrated in his entire existence. And he didn’t mean just sexually, although he’d been a bit concerned about developing carpal tunnel in his right wrist.
A part of him wanted to share these revelations with Jack, but no…Ianto didn’t want anything to get in the way of Jack’s enjoyment of events that he’d spent so much time in preparation for the greatest punch line in human history.
“You know,” Apocalypse mused, removing a small bag of what smelled like popcorn from one of his oversized pockets, “once this is all done maybe you and I should take some time off. I hear the spas on Tiberius Prime are particularly nice.”
He offered the bag to Ianto, who ignored it in favour of staring at his lover. “Are you asking me to go on holiday with you?” he asked incredulously. Someone could have stolen his scythe and hit him over the head with it, he was just that surprised. It made him wonder if, somehow, what had occurred had gotten back to Jack, and this was his way of making certain Ianto knew that everyone in the Department really had no clue.
It was quite a gesture, and Death was absolutely certain that some of his fellow employees still wouldn’t get it. Not that he cared, of course.
Okay, maybe he did. Just a bit. Because, if he was completely honest with himself, Ianto had the rather childish urge to rub their faces into their assumptions about him and Jack, after everything that had happened in the time his lover had been gone plotting his non-Doomsday.
He really wanted to be adult about it, but there it was.
“Interested?” Apocalypse inquired, sounding very blasé about the notion, but the sparkle in his eyes gave his true feelings away.
Ianto wanted to jump up and down and yell, “Yes!” at the top of his lungs, but he had a reputation for coolness under pressure to maintain…even if it was just himself and Apocalypse in the area. He really didn’t want it to get back to the Department that he’d been acting like a girl, after all. Owen would never let him hear the end of it.
So, instead of tackling his lover and snogging him senseless, Death reached into the bag of popcorn and took a handful. “Well, as long as you don’t plot another fake Doomsday while we’re getting massages. Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.” That was actually a lie, because Ianto quite liked Jack’s fetishes and was always willing to try a new one. He’d even brought a few of his own to the party, which Apocalypse thoroughly appreciated and indulged him in at every opportunity.
“So…is that a yes?” Apocalypse sounded hopeful.
“Yes,” Death answered, not able to hide the smile that lit up his face. “Yes.”
“Good.” Jack took the bag of popcorn back. “Now, it’s almost time.” He cackled. “This is so bloody fantastic…”
Ianto rolled his eyes, eating his popcorn. He should have known the mood wouldn’t last.
Oh well, this was what he got for being crazy over a being with the power of a Celestial and the sense of humour of a five-year-old.
But, it really was worth it.