emotional breakdown
I dont know why it has happened now. I hate the feeling of loosing control over myself. The shivers, the sobbing, the tears, the paranoia.
There are ceveral things that caused it, and one event that triggered it all in the end.
1. Cami was here. It was a wonderful weekend, but it made me horribly homesick.
2. Marian is coming to visit me. I was really really happy...but now i dont care, now that he will arrive in a few days.
3. I go out less, means i spend more and more time with my flatmates. I have always had problems when the same set of people are around me non-stop.
4. We got stoned last night. All i felt was paranoia, all those thoughts in my head. I wanted to do so many things, as when i m drunk, but my conscious was right with me and did not let me do anything. It was really bad for my self confidence. I couldnt talk, because my languages were messed up. I could hardly walk because my body didnt do what i want it to do.
5. I feel as if i dont have a right to complain. Everybody here is wonderfull to me. Many guys seem to like me. Life is easy. I dont know why i just cant accept this as being there...its as if i expect it to turn back again, and fear that moment, so I ll just try to not let go of myself too much.
6. Claire is certainly the closest thing i have to a best friend here, but she is totally fun oriented (as I when i m not down) but I m scared she ll not understand me if i let it all out.
7. And then Dave...I know I told him that I only wanted to be friends. But then I realized that I do like him quite a bit. I ve tried to show him that in the last week, but from the responses I got I could hardly tell if he still liked me. I didnt tell him that I had changed my mind tho...I got extremely jealous tonight, when he talked to my flatmate Lizzie the whole time we were in the bar tonight. It was the most quiet i ve ever been. I went home. And then I just cracked.
Did this make sense?
I m quite calm now again, but i m scared that what happened to me tonight will happen again. The last time was around my birthday, when i was awfully homesick. I could get over it by booking my flights to Zürich. I am still missing it a lot, but at least I now have a time in view when i ll see it again.
I m off to bed now, hoping that when i ll wake up tomorrow the sun will shine again.
There are ceveral things that caused it, and one event that triggered it all in the end.
1. Cami was here. It was a wonderful weekend, but it made me horribly homesick.
2. Marian is coming to visit me. I was really really happy...but now i dont care, now that he will arrive in a few days.
3. I go out less, means i spend more and more time with my flatmates. I have always had problems when the same set of people are around me non-stop.
4. We got stoned last night. All i felt was paranoia, all those thoughts in my head. I wanted to do so many things, as when i m drunk, but my conscious was right with me and did not let me do anything. It was really bad for my self confidence. I couldnt talk, because my languages were messed up. I could hardly walk because my body didnt do what i want it to do.
5. I feel as if i dont have a right to complain. Everybody here is wonderfull to me. Many guys seem to like me. Life is easy. I dont know why i just cant accept this as being there...its as if i expect it to turn back again, and fear that moment, so I ll just try to not let go of myself too much.
6. Claire is certainly the closest thing i have to a best friend here, but she is totally fun oriented (as I when i m not down) but I m scared she ll not understand me if i let it all out.
7. And then Dave...I know I told him that I only wanted to be friends. But then I realized that I do like him quite a bit. I ve tried to show him that in the last week, but from the responses I got I could hardly tell if he still liked me. I didnt tell him that I had changed my mind tho...I got extremely jealous tonight, when he talked to my flatmate Lizzie the whole time we were in the bar tonight. It was the most quiet i ve ever been. I went home. And then I just cracked.
Did this make sense?
I m quite calm now again, but i m scared that what happened to me tonight will happen again. The last time was around my birthday, when i was awfully homesick. I could get over it by booking my flights to Zürich. I am still missing it a lot, but at least I now have a time in view when i ll see it again.
I m off to bed now, hoping that when i ll wake up tomorrow the sun will shine again.