Rainbow has only five colors for me since then and forever.
This is really painful for me to write. I would be lying if I say that I wasn't expecting something like this. On the contrary, maybe I'm hurt because I had my doubts I was rushing my way to Japan because since Song for you, I have had this feeling that something will happen soon. Because you see, they were singing about "最高のFinale"
That 最高のFinale has always been like "What do you mean with the finale?"
And now I think about it maybe they were talking about this finale... The reason why the anniversary tour started early, the reason why they have 50 dates, the reason why they want everyone in the fan club to attend their concert because this is the last? Because this is the best finale?
I am hurt. I won't deny that. I have so many regrets at this moment. But mainly all of those anger and the sadness and the regret is towards my own self. I'm not angry at Arashi for deciding a hiatus. I'm not angry at anyone for wanting a break from everything.
I'm just angry at myself that I wasn't brave enough to risk everything to get in their concert when I was there. I am an idiot for not doing it really.
And now, there's no other chance for me to see them ever again, right? That reality hit me so hard that it's hard to breathe somehow.
This is the first time I have been this into a fandom. And believe me, I have been to so many fandoms.
Arashi fandom is just like those five guys. It's kind, warm and it's okay to be myself here. I have made so many friends here, so many precious friends and all thanks to Arashi. All thanks to those five guys who gave me hope to continue living.
Since I don't think anyone will read this, I'll just continue writing all my messy thoughts that no one cares about.
So my adventure with all these Japan things actually started in anime fandom (with Sailor Moon fandom to be more exact) my first ever interaction with Japanese started with that. I had no idea it will bring me to the point I'm now after ten years.
And then anime grew in me, together with Japanese and the first time I discovered J-dramas it was interesting but not too hooking. I'm not really a patient person to sit down and watch something too long (says the hardcore fan of LOTR movies which happens to be 4 hours but whatever). So the dramas were nice but too long for me to focus at that time since they literally double the time I can mostly focus on (roughly speaking 20 mins animes and 40 mins dramas so that was definitely too much for me at that time)
And I didn't know this much of Japanese at that time so I eventually needed subtitles for the dramas. With that, I ended up in Hana Yori Dango after watching a few dramas. If you're from Turkey, people who love Japan and Japanese thing are really a few. You can basically count them. So, in the end, the subbed dramas come like J-drama starter pack with Taiyou no Uta, Ichi Rittoru no Namida, Hana Yori Dango, Hanakazari no Kimitachi he. So you either become an Oguri Shun fan or Matsumoto Jun fan in the end. For me, it was Matsumoto Jun and that's how I discovered Arashi back in 2012/2013. At that time, I didn't know Japanese to understand what's going on and such and at the same time there wasn't anything on the Youtube and such sites and I had no idea how to figure out my way through them so I stopped after watching a few clips that happen to be on Youtube. I had no idea what they were talking about, I had no idea about who they actually were and then with that I lost my connection to them once.
Then in 2016, I had the worst time of my whole life. I don't know if this will be uncomfortable and such but I need to write this down somewhere.
Back when I was in high school and mostly in junior high, I hadn't been fitted into the school. Junior high was a bit better since I wasn't really thinking about it at that time but when I started high school and feel completely out of place it was overwhelming. Even now, I avoid everything about my high school life. People would ignore me, give names on me, mock me, and mostly leave out of everything. That was slightly bearable since I was so into reading and writing and literature at that time, which also was the reason why I chose Turkish Language and Literature as my major in university.
I seriously loved writing. Seriously loved reading. Seriously loved literature with everything I had. So I decided one thing: that I would be fine when I start university. I won't worry my parents without having any friends, I won't talk about my damn Japan love to people in university so that I could at least make some friends. I was so absorbed with this mission to realize where everything stopped going better.
It was 2016 when suddenly everyone in the class started to ignore me. Everyone, including my "best" friend and everyone. They started to ignore my messages in group chats and even refused to share some notes with me despite knowing that it would make me fail the class. I had no idea, I still have no idea what was the reason but as far as I got to hear from my back "because I was the weird one with Japan obsession"
And then the fandom I was in, which happens to be somewhere I dearly loved and written so many things started to turn against me. You know the moment when everyone fights over something and then decides to put the blame on someone. Yeah, I was that scapegoat at that fandom which made me leave it.
And I gradually started failing my classes. Gradually fell deeper and couldn't get out of this loop no matter what I have tried. At that time I had nothing remained with me. The love for literature drained. I lost the reason why I loved writing. I completely stopped writing. I completely stopped reading. I would simply watch the wall and think about nothing, just being lost in everything.
Then I started to plan the end of everything. I had a fairly nice allowance to do it. My roommate would leave the room in the morning and won't come back until it's time to return to the dormitory and no one would come into our room. I planned to do it when my roommate leaves, and I would have time until the night which gives me lots of chances to bleed out in the room and they would only discover my body after everything is over. Yeah, that was the plan. I was so convinced with it. I only needed to buy a nice knife and then progress with it.
It was so sudden when randomly Bet de Arashi come up on the home page of Youtube. I clearly remember thinking that "Name sounds familiar... oh! So they're still up to it?"
The moment I watched that program, it was like finally getting out of the water to inhale a deep breath. That was the first time I laughed from the bottom of my heart since months or maybe years. It was like, Arashi held out a hand for me when I had no one else and nothing else. Then Fight Song came on.
時には泣いていいよ
弱いとこ見せても大丈夫
でもそこで腐るな!
まだやれる その先の夢
Yeah, you know that's the first time someone said that it's okay for me to cry. It's okay for me to feel sad. And it's okay for me to do my best, like myself. I don't have to be someone else like other people expect me to. Yeah, I have a weird hobby. Yeah, I like Japan. Yeah, I speak Japanese in my daily life. So what? If this is the reason why I can't have any friends, then be it. It's okay to be myself right? To stay true to myself? To cry when I need to? To show my weakness? Arashi became the first group that I literally cried all over. Because you see, I wouldn't be here if they haven't saved me that time. Even now, as I write this while listening to Fight Song, I feel like I have to stay strong for them.
They saved me so many times. They gave me so many chances to see the world, to dream again. To write again, most importantly. The reason why I took my pen out again. Even though I'm not the best writer out there, writing was what I had for my whole life, what I needed for my whole life and Arashi gave that back to me when I completely lost it.
So I want Oh-chan to enjoy what he once loved the most again. I have written some thanks to them, so he should be able to do what he loves the most. He should be able to fish without thinking anything, he should draw, he should see the world like he always wanted. I want every one of them to be happy.
I really want that from the bottom of my heart because they had made me so freaking happy every single day of this three years. I owe them so much and if letting them go is the only way I can thank them then how can I feel angry?
I'm sad. Undeniably and unbelievably sad. But I want them to be happy. I may be crying now but I want to send them off with a smile and wait for them if they ever decide to come back here. I want to welcome them with a smile if that time comes again even though I don't believe they will ever come back.
I have so many things that I want them to hear, just like every other fans but the only thing that comes into my mind is "Thank you" and nothing else.
It started with "Why?" then it turned into "Thank you" because who am I to question five guys who love Arashi more than me?
I have a bunch of thank yous that I really one to tell every one of you individually. But this is not a farewell, right? We will eventually see each other right? Because there's no way I'll stop loving you and Arashi all together overnight.
2021 will probably be the loneliest year of me. But I will cherish every single day of the five years I have and will be spending as an Arashi fan.
でも未来のどこかで君と
笑い合えれば道は作られる
I'll keep my faith for every one of you. I'll continue loving you and if you can, please come back whenever you feel it's okay. I know I'm not the only one who will be happy if you ever come back.
Thank you Oh-chan, Nino, Jun, Sho-chan, Aiba-chan for the best three years of my life.
I love every one of you so much. Let me be with you until the very end and even after that. I have been so proud of being a fan of Arashi. And I will continue to be proud of being a fan of this awesome and lovely group.
Love, love for you.
Irmak Ayerdem / Yukina
28.01.2019
That 最高のFinale has always been like "What do you mean with the finale?"
And now I think about it maybe they were talking about this finale... The reason why the anniversary tour started early, the reason why they have 50 dates, the reason why they want everyone in the fan club to attend their concert because this is the last? Because this is the best finale?
I am hurt. I won't deny that. I have so many regrets at this moment. But mainly all of those anger and the sadness and the regret is towards my own self. I'm not angry at Arashi for deciding a hiatus. I'm not angry at anyone for wanting a break from everything.
I'm just angry at myself that I wasn't brave enough to risk everything to get in their concert when I was there. I am an idiot for not doing it really.
And now, there's no other chance for me to see them ever again, right? That reality hit me so hard that it's hard to breathe somehow.
This is the first time I have been this into a fandom. And believe me, I have been to so many fandoms.
Arashi fandom is just like those five guys. It's kind, warm and it's okay to be myself here. I have made so many friends here, so many precious friends and all thanks to Arashi. All thanks to those five guys who gave me hope to continue living.
Since I don't think anyone will read this, I'll just continue writing all my messy thoughts that no one cares about.
So my adventure with all these Japan things actually started in anime fandom (with Sailor Moon fandom to be more exact) my first ever interaction with Japanese started with that. I had no idea it will bring me to the point I'm now after ten years.
And then anime grew in me, together with Japanese and the first time I discovered J-dramas it was interesting but not too hooking. I'm not really a patient person to sit down and watch something too long (says the hardcore fan of LOTR movies which happens to be 4 hours but whatever). So the dramas were nice but too long for me to focus at that time since they literally double the time I can mostly focus on (roughly speaking 20 mins animes and 40 mins dramas so that was definitely too much for me at that time)
And I didn't know this much of Japanese at that time so I eventually needed subtitles for the dramas. With that, I ended up in Hana Yori Dango after watching a few dramas. If you're from Turkey, people who love Japan and Japanese thing are really a few. You can basically count them. So, in the end, the subbed dramas come like J-drama starter pack with Taiyou no Uta, Ichi Rittoru no Namida, Hana Yori Dango, Hanakazari no Kimitachi he. So you either become an Oguri Shun fan or Matsumoto Jun fan in the end. For me, it was Matsumoto Jun and that's how I discovered Arashi back in 2012/2013. At that time, I didn't know Japanese to understand what's going on and such and at the same time there wasn't anything on the Youtube and such sites and I had no idea how to figure out my way through them so I stopped after watching a few clips that happen to be on Youtube. I had no idea what they were talking about, I had no idea about who they actually were and then with that I lost my connection to them once.
Then in 2016, I had the worst time of my whole life. I don't know if this will be uncomfortable and such but I need to write this down somewhere.
Back when I was in high school and mostly in junior high, I hadn't been fitted into the school. Junior high was a bit better since I wasn't really thinking about it at that time but when I started high school and feel completely out of place it was overwhelming. Even now, I avoid everything about my high school life. People would ignore me, give names on me, mock me, and mostly leave out of everything. That was slightly bearable since I was so into reading and writing and literature at that time, which also was the reason why I chose Turkish Language and Literature as my major in university.
I seriously loved writing. Seriously loved reading. Seriously loved literature with everything I had. So I decided one thing: that I would be fine when I start university. I won't worry my parents without having any friends, I won't talk about my damn Japan love to people in university so that I could at least make some friends. I was so absorbed with this mission to realize where everything stopped going better.
It was 2016 when suddenly everyone in the class started to ignore me. Everyone, including my "best" friend and everyone. They started to ignore my messages in group chats and even refused to share some notes with me despite knowing that it would make me fail the class. I had no idea, I still have no idea what was the reason but as far as I got to hear from my back "because I was the weird one with Japan obsession"
And then the fandom I was in, which happens to be somewhere I dearly loved and written so many things started to turn against me. You know the moment when everyone fights over something and then decides to put the blame on someone. Yeah, I was that scapegoat at that fandom which made me leave it.
And I gradually started failing my classes. Gradually fell deeper and couldn't get out of this loop no matter what I have tried. At that time I had nothing remained with me. The love for literature drained. I lost the reason why I loved writing. I completely stopped writing. I completely stopped reading. I would simply watch the wall and think about nothing, just being lost in everything.
Then I started to plan the end of everything. I had a fairly nice allowance to do it. My roommate would leave the room in the morning and won't come back until it's time to return to the dormitory and no one would come into our room. I planned to do it when my roommate leaves, and I would have time until the night which gives me lots of chances to bleed out in the room and they would only discover my body after everything is over. Yeah, that was the plan. I was so convinced with it. I only needed to buy a nice knife and then progress with it.
It was so sudden when randomly Bet de Arashi come up on the home page of Youtube. I clearly remember thinking that "Name sounds familiar... oh! So they're still up to it?"
The moment I watched that program, it was like finally getting out of the water to inhale a deep breath. That was the first time I laughed from the bottom of my heart since months or maybe years. It was like, Arashi held out a hand for me when I had no one else and nothing else. Then Fight Song came on.
時には泣いていいよ
弱いとこ見せても大丈夫
でもそこで腐るな!
まだやれる その先の夢
Yeah, you know that's the first time someone said that it's okay for me to cry. It's okay for me to feel sad. And it's okay for me to do my best, like myself. I don't have to be someone else like other people expect me to. Yeah, I have a weird hobby. Yeah, I like Japan. Yeah, I speak Japanese in my daily life. So what? If this is the reason why I can't have any friends, then be it. It's okay to be myself right? To stay true to myself? To cry when I need to? To show my weakness? Arashi became the first group that I literally cried all over. Because you see, I wouldn't be here if they haven't saved me that time. Even now, as I write this while listening to Fight Song, I feel like I have to stay strong for them.
They saved me so many times. They gave me so many chances to see the world, to dream again. To write again, most importantly. The reason why I took my pen out again. Even though I'm not the best writer out there, writing was what I had for my whole life, what I needed for my whole life and Arashi gave that back to me when I completely lost it.
So I want Oh-chan to enjoy what he once loved the most again. I have written some thanks to them, so he should be able to do what he loves the most. He should be able to fish without thinking anything, he should draw, he should see the world like he always wanted. I want every one of them to be happy.
I really want that from the bottom of my heart because they had made me so freaking happy every single day of this three years. I owe them so much and if letting them go is the only way I can thank them then how can I feel angry?
I'm sad. Undeniably and unbelievably sad. But I want them to be happy. I may be crying now but I want to send them off with a smile and wait for them if they ever decide to come back here. I want to welcome them with a smile if that time comes again even though I don't believe they will ever come back.
I have so many things that I want them to hear, just like every other fans but the only thing that comes into my mind is "Thank you" and nothing else.
It started with "Why?" then it turned into "Thank you" because who am I to question five guys who love Arashi more than me?
I have a bunch of thank yous that I really one to tell every one of you individually. But this is not a farewell, right? We will eventually see each other right? Because there's no way I'll stop loving you and Arashi all together overnight.
2021 will probably be the loneliest year of me. But I will cherish every single day of the five years I have and will be spending as an Arashi fan.
でも未来のどこかで君と
笑い合えれば道は作られる
I'll keep my faith for every one of you. I'll continue loving you and if you can, please come back whenever you feel it's okay. I know I'm not the only one who will be happy if you ever come back.
Thank you Oh-chan, Nino, Jun, Sho-chan, Aiba-chan for the best three years of my life.
I love every one of you so much. Let me be with you until the very end and even after that. I have been so proud of being a fan of Arashi. And I will continue to be proud of being a fan of this awesome and lovely group.
Love, love for you.
Irmak Ayerdem / Yukina
28.01.2019