Chemically Imbalanced 8/9
Title: Chemically Imbalanced 8/9
Pairing: Jongkey, Minkey
Rating: PG15-NC17
Genre: au, angst, romance, psychological
Summary: Kibum was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when he was only fifteen years old. Seeing his psychiatrist every day was nothing new. Being on the wrong end of dirty looks because he reacted to something that, to everyone else, never happened was nothing new. There was only one person who accepted Kibum for who he was, and he was fine with that. He just never considered that someone could come into his life and change that.
"Why do I have to meet him?" Jonghyun asked, pouting as he sat down on Kibum's couch.
"I really want you to meet him." Kibum turned around from where he was compulsively dusting the top of his TV with a pleading gaze.
"Why, though? I don't like that guy." He frowned.
Kibum matched his expression. "Why not?"
Jonghyun didn't answer outright. "He does know that you're mine, doesn't he?" He asked indignantly.
The younger didn't know what he meant by that.
"I know he's in love with you, Kibum." He clarified, brows furrowing.
Kibum scoffed. "That's no reason not to like him, Jonghyun."
He continued to pout.
Rolling his eyes, Kibum turned back around to continue dusting. Feeling remorseless, he glanced back and airily added, "Unless you're jealous or something."
Kibum went stiff as he felt warmth pressed against his back and arms twined around his middle.
"And if I am?"
The younger shivered at the sensation of Jonghyun's hot breath at his ear.
"He's known you your whole life, and he became a doctor just for you." His lips moved against the shell of his ear and it was making it very hard to focus on what he was saying, "How am I supposed to compete with that, huh?"
Kibum's breath hitched slightly. "Jonghyun-"
"I love you, Kibum. I know he's done all of these things for you, and I don't have a lot to offer you. But please just give me a chance to show you all I can do for you." His arms tightened around Kibum's middle, holding him close.
"I love you too, Jonghyun." He whispered, and wished he could turn around and see the older's face, though perhaps he didn't necessarily want to see the insecurity that was seeping through his words in his eyes. "I love you, okay?"
The older pressed a kiss to the top of Kibum's shoulder. "Okay,"
"But Minho is my best friend. This is really important to me. Please, just… be civil. For me."
Jonghyun sighed, and before Kibum could turn around to see him, he moved back from the younger's body. "All right."
Kibum smiled to himself.
"But can you do me a favor? Please?"
There was a tone of near-desperation in his tone that Kibum couldn’t bear imagine looked like on his features. "What?"
"Don't touch him in front of me."
He was taken aback, but he still didn't look at Jonghyun. "Why?"
"Because I know that you can't touch me yet," His voice was low and unsteady, like he was holding back anger or tears or some combination of both. "I don't want to see you touching another man."
Kibum's shoulders stiffened. He didn't-he didn't know if he could really promise that. Touching Minho, leaning into his chest or holding his hand or poking his arm, were all formed habits, things he would do without a single thought behind them. It was a show of comfort, to be able to lay his head down on Minho's shoulder or cover his friend's hand with his own, something they just did.
He could try, though. With Jonghyun there, it was only fair to respect him and not showcase the oddly blurred relationship he had with Minho.
"Okay," He whispered, and began to mechanically dust around the television set again.
He heard the older breathe out heavily in relief.
It made Kibum's mind whir with conflict.
Things had been like this since day one, and still Kibum couldn't properly acknowledge the battle inside himself. It wasn't uncommon for him to hear fights between people he'd never met before in his mind, but to try to moderate his own thoughts about Minho and Jonghyun in his head…
Impossible.
"He knows you're mine, right?" Jonghyun had asked.
But Kibum had to wonder…
Am I?
He couldn't have both and he knew that. It would end either with Minho's heartbreak, with his best friend turning into his doctor and his doctor only, always cold and detached and it would be what Kibum deserved for doing something like this to him, or Jonghyun's, with Kibum possibly never seeing the older again, and that in itself was terrifying enough a thought to make his bones run cold.
He loved Jonghyun.
Or at least… he thought he did.
But maybe he didn't even know what love was.
Maybe he would never really feel something for another person like Minho felt for him. Maybe, if Minho didn't stumble away from this war with nothing but hatred for Kibum (god, that was such a horrible possibility), Kibum would forever be on the receiving end of the warm touches, the kind words, the loving gazes. Maybe that could even be enough, because it always had been for Minho.
But Jonghyun…
Jonghyun made Kibum feel things that he never had before, and fuck, he didn't know if they were love or not but they sure did seem like it. His heart raced every time he was around and his mind went blank when he touched him and his chest hurt whenever he thought that he couldn't return any of that to him. With Jonghyun, he wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to love him, wanted to show him everything that he felt because the constant excuses and apologies and halfhearted attempts were never up to par with what the older deserved from him. He wanted to feel wanted by Jonghyun, wanted the older to crave him the same as he did, but it was hard to achieve when he could only ever give so much.
Kibum didn't even know he was shaking until he lifted his hand to wipe at his suddenly-wet eyes. Thankfully, Jonghyun didn't notice it.
He didn't want to choose.
He didn't.
(Mostly because he didn't know who he would choose in the end. And that scared him more than anything.)
Kibum set the duster down on his coffee table and walked swiftly past Jonghyun so that he didn't notice the way his nose and cheeks were inevitably redder than usual with his tears. It was just another one of those things that he knew Minho would notice that went right past Jonghyun, and it was at once one of his favorite and least favorite things about the older.
His phone rang, interrupting his path to his medication. Swiping it from the coffee table, Kibum held it to his ear. "Hello?"
"I'm here," Minho's voice said, and Kibum could hear how somber it was.
He smiled despite everything. "I'm opening the door," He responded, walking past Jonghyun and turning his doorknob.
When he opened it, he saw Minho on the other side, phone hovering halfway to his ear, clearly about to hang up. The younger smiled softly.
"Hi," Kibum said, opening the door further to allow him to walk through.
"Hey," Minho stepped inside and angled towards Kibum to wrap his arms around him.
Kibum held up his hands and shook his head, conscious of Jonghyun sitting nearby. He pushed Minho's chest backwards just slightly.
The younger looked at him, and Kibum had to avert his eyes to avoid seeing the crushed expression in Minho's. He dropped his arms.
"I need to take my medicine, hang on," He said quietly ashamed and guilty over refusing Minho for what might have even been the first time.
His eyes were trained on the ground the entire time he was walking. He didn't want to see Minho watching after him or Jonghyun, for fear that the older had seen him touch Minho, slight as it was.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
Kibum hastily poured himself a glass of water and bowed his head over his counter as he emptied two of the pills-the new little blue ones-into his palm. He was a bit nervous, even, to take these for the first time. He always was when he switched medications.
He tipped his head back and swallowed the pills, throat bobbing. Quickly, he lifted the glass of water to empty it as well, chugging it and helping the unpleasant lumps in his throat descend.
His stomach pulsed with pain once.
Twice.
Three times.
The glass slipped from his hands and shattered, but he didn't hear it.
He was on the ground before the glass was.
"Kibum. Kibum. Kibum, wake up, Kibum, please-"
Minho?
Kibum felt his eyes clench shut before they were able to slowly open. He felt sharp stinging on his elbow and forearm, and he didn't know what was happening or where he was.
"Kibum, wake up, come on…"
"-nho…" He tried pitifully to speak, throat feeling swollen shut. "Min-"
"Kibum," He felt a hand on his cheek and he was sure that was Minho's hand.
He fought to open his eyes, lids feeling heavy. Everything felt heavy.
His vision was blurry and he could feel stray water sliding from the corners of his eyes. "Minho…"
The younger's eyes held the utmost seriousness, brows set. His lips were trembling and Kibum didn't know why he looked so afraid that Kibum was just waking up.
"What-" He tried to shift to stand.
"Don't move, Kibummie," Minho held him firmly in place.
Kibum's brows twitched downward in confusion. "But-"
"You had an allergic reaction to your new medicine and you collapsed onto broken glass. Paramedics are on the way to make sure that you don't have any lasting damage." Minho answered his unsaid question.
I collapsed…?
His mind felt fuzzy, and nothing was connecting properly.
"Paramedics are on the way…"
Hospital.
Kibum's eyes went wide and he squirmed in Minho's grip. "No, no, please, no hospital-" He breathed out.
"Kibum, Kibum-" Minho held his shoulders, halting any movement. "Calm down, it'll be okay."
One hand lifted weakly and gripped the fabric of Minho's shirt. "No hospitals, please, Minho, please-"
"You'll be fine, Kibum, I'll be here, okay?"
His chest rose and fell dangerously. "No, please, they'll-"
"They're not going to hurt you, Kibum. I won't let them."
His grip went lax and his heart still sped, but he trusted Minho.
He trusted him.
"What about…" Kibum felt winded. He couldn't get more than those words out without having to pause to breathe. "Where's Jonghyun?"
Minho blinked down at him, not saying a word.
Impatiently, Kibum tried to raise himself up to look around the room. Surely Jonghyun didn't leave yet…
He winced and fell back. As soon as he tried to move, the glass dug further into the skin of his elbows.
"Don't move, Kibum," Minho repeated more earnestly this time, one hand stabilizing his waist, the other at the side of his neck.
"Where-?" Kibum's heart hurt at the thought of Jonghyun leaving. He took in a deep breath and realized that the solid surface he was laying on was Minho's thigh.
The younger looked at him in question, lightly moving his fingers over the side of Kibum's neck.
"Jonghyun," He said, "Where is he?" His throat was definitely swollen; he could barely get a word out.
"What do you mean?"
Kibum's anger flared and his body tensed up. "I mean where is he?"
"Kibum, what-"
"Minho," He felt burning in his throat as he spoke, but still he got through it. "When you got here, he was-" God, this hurt like hell. He couldn't finish that sentence. "Where is he?"
The answer came slower, so much slower than Kibum imagined.
His temper only grew more unsettled and he didn't know what the hell was taking Minho so long to remember if he saw another person sitting on the fucking couch.
"Kibum, he…" Minho swallowed.
His heart fell, the horrible, icy sensation of overwhelming disappointment taking over him. "Did he leave? Did I-" He fought to breathe, panic hitting, "Did I scare him away?"
"Kibum, calm down. Kibum-" Minho looked him dead in the eye, caution in his expression.
Kibum's hand found his shirt again and gripped with every bit of strength he had in himself. "Please, Minho, don't tell me that he left here because of me."
Minho's lips parted, but no sound came out.
"He was on the couch, right there," He clarified, falsely hoping that maybe Minho had just overlooked him or something. Anything other than Jonghyun not being there anymore. His eyes moved around the room, but he couldn't see much more than the cabinets and the ceiling.
"Kibum, I didn't see him." Minho whispered.
The older froze, though his heart was pounding more than ever. He didn't see him, so he could have just missed him and he could still be there, he could still-
"Is he still here, Minho? Can you look to see if-"
"Kibum," Some light went dull behind Minho's eyes and it scared Kibum. It terrified him, because he'd seen it before, but never like that, never-
"What?" He asked, voice shaking. Panic crashed over him, turning his entire body icy cold. His knuckles went white gripping Minho's shirt, but he couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel anything other than the churning in his stomach that made him sure that he was about to vomit.
"Kibum…" Minho's jaw clenched and unclenched, his voice far too apologetic to settle any of Kibum's nerves.
"What?!" He demanded, throat closing up again.
When Minho spoke, it was with slow, measured words that were worse than anything. "I didn't see him."
"What do you mean?" Kibum whispered, terror taking over him. He could feel his sanity chipping, but he wasn't about to let himself overreact to a misunderstanding.
"Kibum… Kibum look at me. Breathe." Minho said firmly, holding onto his chin with a steady grip.
Kibum's eyes darted all over in a frenzy before landing on Minho's, and he could feel the wild expression in them that Minho could see. Despite Minho's orders to breathe, none of that was happening. He was close to hyperventilation with the way that his chest was rapidly moving up and down, and he couldn't feel any air at all in his tight lungs.
"Breathe, Kibum."
"He's-" The single word came in a whisper, terror dripping in his tone. "Oh god,"
"Kibum, I-"
The pain in his chest was worse than ever as he tried to let reality sink in without his entire universe crumbling along with it.
"He's not here," He breathed, the words shallow to him as he didn't feel their full meaning. "He's not here."
"Kibum, look at me." Minho said again, taking control of the situation.
It was what Kibum needed. Oh fuck, he needed stability, needed Minho to tell him what was happening, because he felt so lost, so, so lost and helpless.
"He's not-" His voice broke off and he tried to look at Minho, but he couldn't see much with the way that tears were clouding his vision and sliding down his cheeks. "He's not here."
Minho was stone-faced as he wiped the tears away from Kibum's cheeks.
"He was never here." He could feel a terrible sob choking in his throat and it only made it harder to keep breathing.
No.
He couldn't.
He couldn't breathe anymore.
No.
"Jonghyun isn't-" He choked out a sob and he tried to pick himself up just to get closer to Minho in vain hope that this wasn't real, that Minho was playing a cruel joke on him, "Jonghyun isn't here… He isn't-he isn't anywhere, is he?"
Minho's mouth opened again and once again he didn't say anything. His face was etched with deep grief mixed with sympathy and Kibum didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to think or say or what was real or what wasn't and if he could trust himself, but if nothing else in the entire world, he knew that he could trust Minho.
He could trust Minho and Minho was here with him and he was getting help for the way his throat was swollen shut and the glass was still stuck in his arms and he could feel the little shards stabbing into him further as his body shook violently.
"Minho, please-" He didn't even know what he was asking for, but he knew that Minho would know what he needed, because Minho always knew what he needed.
The younger fitted his hands under Key's arms and slowly picked him up so that he could lean against Minho's chest. Key fisted his hands in the back of Minho's shirt and didn't even feel the glass in his arms anymore or the blood that was dripping down to his elbows, because the blow to his heart was worse than any physical pain he'd ever felt in his entire life.
"Shh, Kibum, shh… You'll be okay, just breathe…" Minho held him tightly around his middle and patted him on the back just to remind him that he was there at all.
"Oh god, Minho, he's not-" He couldn't hold back the sobs that shook his entire frame; the more his mind echoed that thought, the more it sunk in and the worse it felt.
This was too much for him to think about, too much for his heart to handle at all.
"Minho, I can't breathe," His voice was less than a whisper, a hasty, panicked whisper.
"Yes you can, just calm down. I'm here, I've got you,"
The words were soft and reassuring but they did nothing to help Kibum, who felt like his heart was slowly disintegrating. He clawed at Minho's shirt, clenching his back teeth hard to keep from screaming in his agony.
"Minho, I can't-" He blinked and the world got darker around the edges, already blurry with tears.
Right in front of him, he could see the outline of Jonghyun's figure, standing at a distance with his hands in his pockets and a sheepish smile on his face. He was harder to make out than ever, and his head hurt with strain just to keep him there, and finally, finally Kibum could feel that he was doing this, that Jonghyun wasn't there, that it was Kibum's mind making these images and he couldn't handle it.
He went limp against Minho's chest, vision going black for the second time that day.
He knew that he would never see Jonghyun again.
A/N - so, yes. He isn't real after all. anyone who can figure out what really happened gets 10 points.
Next chapter is the last c: I hope that you like it :)
Kat
mikssi
[next]
Pairing: Jongkey, Minkey
Rating: PG15-NC17
Genre: au, angst, romance, psychological
Summary: Kibum was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when he was only fifteen years old. Seeing his psychiatrist every day was nothing new. Being on the wrong end of dirty looks because he reacted to something that, to everyone else, never happened was nothing new. There was only one person who accepted Kibum for who he was, and he was fine with that. He just never considered that someone could come into his life and change that.
"Why do I have to meet him?" Jonghyun asked, pouting as he sat down on Kibum's couch.
"I really want you to meet him." Kibum turned around from where he was compulsively dusting the top of his TV with a pleading gaze.
"Why, though? I don't like that guy." He frowned.
Kibum matched his expression. "Why not?"
Jonghyun didn't answer outright. "He does know that you're mine, doesn't he?" He asked indignantly.
The younger didn't know what he meant by that.
"I know he's in love with you, Kibum." He clarified, brows furrowing.
Kibum scoffed. "That's no reason not to like him, Jonghyun."
He continued to pout.
Rolling his eyes, Kibum turned back around to continue dusting. Feeling remorseless, he glanced back and airily added, "Unless you're jealous or something."
Kibum went stiff as he felt warmth pressed against his back and arms twined around his middle.
"And if I am?"
The younger shivered at the sensation of Jonghyun's hot breath at his ear.
"He's known you your whole life, and he became a doctor just for you." His lips moved against the shell of his ear and it was making it very hard to focus on what he was saying, "How am I supposed to compete with that, huh?"
Kibum's breath hitched slightly. "Jonghyun-"
"I love you, Kibum. I know he's done all of these things for you, and I don't have a lot to offer you. But please just give me a chance to show you all I can do for you." His arms tightened around Kibum's middle, holding him close.
"I love you too, Jonghyun." He whispered, and wished he could turn around and see the older's face, though perhaps he didn't necessarily want to see the insecurity that was seeping through his words in his eyes. "I love you, okay?"
The older pressed a kiss to the top of Kibum's shoulder. "Okay,"
"But Minho is my best friend. This is really important to me. Please, just… be civil. For me."
Jonghyun sighed, and before Kibum could turn around to see him, he moved back from the younger's body. "All right."
Kibum smiled to himself.
"But can you do me a favor? Please?"
There was a tone of near-desperation in his tone that Kibum couldn’t bear imagine looked like on his features. "What?"
"Don't touch him in front of me."
He was taken aback, but he still didn't look at Jonghyun. "Why?"
"Because I know that you can't touch me yet," His voice was low and unsteady, like he was holding back anger or tears or some combination of both. "I don't want to see you touching another man."
Kibum's shoulders stiffened. He didn't-he didn't know if he could really promise that. Touching Minho, leaning into his chest or holding his hand or poking his arm, were all formed habits, things he would do without a single thought behind them. It was a show of comfort, to be able to lay his head down on Minho's shoulder or cover his friend's hand with his own, something they just did.
He could try, though. With Jonghyun there, it was only fair to respect him and not showcase the oddly blurred relationship he had with Minho.
"Okay," He whispered, and began to mechanically dust around the television set again.
He heard the older breathe out heavily in relief.
It made Kibum's mind whir with conflict.
Things had been like this since day one, and still Kibum couldn't properly acknowledge the battle inside himself. It wasn't uncommon for him to hear fights between people he'd never met before in his mind, but to try to moderate his own thoughts about Minho and Jonghyun in his head…
Impossible.
"He knows you're mine, right?" Jonghyun had asked.
But Kibum had to wonder…
Am I?
He couldn't have both and he knew that. It would end either with Minho's heartbreak, with his best friend turning into his doctor and his doctor only, always cold and detached and it would be what Kibum deserved for doing something like this to him, or Jonghyun's, with Kibum possibly never seeing the older again, and that in itself was terrifying enough a thought to make his bones run cold.
He loved Jonghyun.
Or at least… he thought he did.
But maybe he didn't even know what love was.
Maybe he would never really feel something for another person like Minho felt for him. Maybe, if Minho didn't stumble away from this war with nothing but hatred for Kibum (god, that was such a horrible possibility), Kibum would forever be on the receiving end of the warm touches, the kind words, the loving gazes. Maybe that could even be enough, because it always had been for Minho.
But Jonghyun…
Jonghyun made Kibum feel things that he never had before, and fuck, he didn't know if they were love or not but they sure did seem like it. His heart raced every time he was around and his mind went blank when he touched him and his chest hurt whenever he thought that he couldn't return any of that to him. With Jonghyun, he wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to love him, wanted to show him everything that he felt because the constant excuses and apologies and halfhearted attempts were never up to par with what the older deserved from him. He wanted to feel wanted by Jonghyun, wanted the older to crave him the same as he did, but it was hard to achieve when he could only ever give so much.
Kibum didn't even know he was shaking until he lifted his hand to wipe at his suddenly-wet eyes. Thankfully, Jonghyun didn't notice it.
He didn't want to choose.
He didn't.
(Mostly because he didn't know who he would choose in the end. And that scared him more than anything.)
Kibum set the duster down on his coffee table and walked swiftly past Jonghyun so that he didn't notice the way his nose and cheeks were inevitably redder than usual with his tears. It was just another one of those things that he knew Minho would notice that went right past Jonghyun, and it was at once one of his favorite and least favorite things about the older.
His phone rang, interrupting his path to his medication. Swiping it from the coffee table, Kibum held it to his ear. "Hello?"
"I'm here," Minho's voice said, and Kibum could hear how somber it was.
He smiled despite everything. "I'm opening the door," He responded, walking past Jonghyun and turning his doorknob.
When he opened it, he saw Minho on the other side, phone hovering halfway to his ear, clearly about to hang up. The younger smiled softly.
"Hi," Kibum said, opening the door further to allow him to walk through.
"Hey," Minho stepped inside and angled towards Kibum to wrap his arms around him.
Kibum held up his hands and shook his head, conscious of Jonghyun sitting nearby. He pushed Minho's chest backwards just slightly.
The younger looked at him, and Kibum had to avert his eyes to avoid seeing the crushed expression in Minho's. He dropped his arms.
"I need to take my medicine, hang on," He said quietly ashamed and guilty over refusing Minho for what might have even been the first time.
His eyes were trained on the ground the entire time he was walking. He didn't want to see Minho watching after him or Jonghyun, for fear that the older had seen him touch Minho, slight as it was.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.
Kibum hastily poured himself a glass of water and bowed his head over his counter as he emptied two of the pills-the new little blue ones-into his palm. He was a bit nervous, even, to take these for the first time. He always was when he switched medications.
He tipped his head back and swallowed the pills, throat bobbing. Quickly, he lifted the glass of water to empty it as well, chugging it and helping the unpleasant lumps in his throat descend.
His stomach pulsed with pain once.
Twice.
Three times.
The glass slipped from his hands and shattered, but he didn't hear it.
He was on the ground before the glass was.
"Kibum. Kibum. Kibum, wake up, Kibum, please-"
Minho?
Kibum felt his eyes clench shut before they were able to slowly open. He felt sharp stinging on his elbow and forearm, and he didn't know what was happening or where he was.
"Kibum, wake up, come on…"
"-nho…" He tried pitifully to speak, throat feeling swollen shut. "Min-"
"Kibum," He felt a hand on his cheek and he was sure that was Minho's hand.
He fought to open his eyes, lids feeling heavy. Everything felt heavy.
His vision was blurry and he could feel stray water sliding from the corners of his eyes. "Minho…"
The younger's eyes held the utmost seriousness, brows set. His lips were trembling and Kibum didn't know why he looked so afraid that Kibum was just waking up.
"What-" He tried to shift to stand.
"Don't move, Kibummie," Minho held him firmly in place.
Kibum's brows twitched downward in confusion. "But-"
"You had an allergic reaction to your new medicine and you collapsed onto broken glass. Paramedics are on the way to make sure that you don't have any lasting damage." Minho answered his unsaid question.
I collapsed…?
His mind felt fuzzy, and nothing was connecting properly.
"Paramedics are on the way…"
Hospital.
Kibum's eyes went wide and he squirmed in Minho's grip. "No, no, please, no hospital-" He breathed out.
"Kibum, Kibum-" Minho held his shoulders, halting any movement. "Calm down, it'll be okay."
One hand lifted weakly and gripped the fabric of Minho's shirt. "No hospitals, please, Minho, please-"
"You'll be fine, Kibum, I'll be here, okay?"
His chest rose and fell dangerously. "No, please, they'll-"
"They're not going to hurt you, Kibum. I won't let them."
His grip went lax and his heart still sped, but he trusted Minho.
He trusted him.
"What about…" Kibum felt winded. He couldn't get more than those words out without having to pause to breathe. "Where's Jonghyun?"
Minho blinked down at him, not saying a word.
Impatiently, Kibum tried to raise himself up to look around the room. Surely Jonghyun didn't leave yet…
He winced and fell back. As soon as he tried to move, the glass dug further into the skin of his elbows.
"Don't move, Kibum," Minho repeated more earnestly this time, one hand stabilizing his waist, the other at the side of his neck.
"Where-?" Kibum's heart hurt at the thought of Jonghyun leaving. He took in a deep breath and realized that the solid surface he was laying on was Minho's thigh.
The younger looked at him in question, lightly moving his fingers over the side of Kibum's neck.
"Jonghyun," He said, "Where is he?" His throat was definitely swollen; he could barely get a word out.
"What do you mean?"
Kibum's anger flared and his body tensed up. "I mean where is he?"
"Kibum, what-"
"Minho," He felt burning in his throat as he spoke, but still he got through it. "When you got here, he was-" God, this hurt like hell. He couldn't finish that sentence. "Where is he?"
The answer came slower, so much slower than Kibum imagined.
His temper only grew more unsettled and he didn't know what the hell was taking Minho so long to remember if he saw another person sitting on the fucking couch.
"Kibum, he…" Minho swallowed.
His heart fell, the horrible, icy sensation of overwhelming disappointment taking over him. "Did he leave? Did I-" He fought to breathe, panic hitting, "Did I scare him away?"
"Kibum, calm down. Kibum-" Minho looked him dead in the eye, caution in his expression.
Kibum's hand found his shirt again and gripped with every bit of strength he had in himself. "Please, Minho, don't tell me that he left here because of me."
Minho's lips parted, but no sound came out.
"He was on the couch, right there," He clarified, falsely hoping that maybe Minho had just overlooked him or something. Anything other than Jonghyun not being there anymore. His eyes moved around the room, but he couldn't see much more than the cabinets and the ceiling.
"Kibum, I didn't see him." Minho whispered.
The older froze, though his heart was pounding more than ever. He didn't see him, so he could have just missed him and he could still be there, he could still-
"Is he still here, Minho? Can you look to see if-"
"Kibum," Some light went dull behind Minho's eyes and it scared Kibum. It terrified him, because he'd seen it before, but never like that, never-
"What?" He asked, voice shaking. Panic crashed over him, turning his entire body icy cold. His knuckles went white gripping Minho's shirt, but he couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel anything other than the churning in his stomach that made him sure that he was about to vomit.
"Kibum…" Minho's jaw clenched and unclenched, his voice far too apologetic to settle any of Kibum's nerves.
"What?!" He demanded, throat closing up again.
When Minho spoke, it was with slow, measured words that were worse than anything. "I didn't see him."
"What do you mean?" Kibum whispered, terror taking over him. He could feel his sanity chipping, but he wasn't about to let himself overreact to a misunderstanding.
"Kibum… Kibum look at me. Breathe." Minho said firmly, holding onto his chin with a steady grip.
Kibum's eyes darted all over in a frenzy before landing on Minho's, and he could feel the wild expression in them that Minho could see. Despite Minho's orders to breathe, none of that was happening. He was close to hyperventilation with the way that his chest was rapidly moving up and down, and he couldn't feel any air at all in his tight lungs.
"Breathe, Kibum."
"He's-" The single word came in a whisper, terror dripping in his tone. "Oh god,"
"Kibum, I-"
The pain in his chest was worse than ever as he tried to let reality sink in without his entire universe crumbling along with it.
"He's not here," He breathed, the words shallow to him as he didn't feel their full meaning. "He's not here."
"Kibum, look at me." Minho said again, taking control of the situation.
It was what Kibum needed. Oh fuck, he needed stability, needed Minho to tell him what was happening, because he felt so lost, so, so lost and helpless.
"He's not-" His voice broke off and he tried to look at Minho, but he couldn't see much with the way that tears were clouding his vision and sliding down his cheeks. "He's not here."
Minho was stone-faced as he wiped the tears away from Kibum's cheeks.
"He was never here." He could feel a terrible sob choking in his throat and it only made it harder to keep breathing.
No.
He couldn't.
He couldn't breathe anymore.
No.
"Jonghyun isn't-" He choked out a sob and he tried to pick himself up just to get closer to Minho in vain hope that this wasn't real, that Minho was playing a cruel joke on him, "Jonghyun isn't here… He isn't-he isn't anywhere, is he?"
Minho's mouth opened again and once again he didn't say anything. His face was etched with deep grief mixed with sympathy and Kibum didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to think or say or what was real or what wasn't and if he could trust himself, but if nothing else in the entire world, he knew that he could trust Minho.
He could trust Minho and Minho was here with him and he was getting help for the way his throat was swollen shut and the glass was still stuck in his arms and he could feel the little shards stabbing into him further as his body shook violently.
"Minho, please-" He didn't even know what he was asking for, but he knew that Minho would know what he needed, because Minho always knew what he needed.
The younger fitted his hands under Key's arms and slowly picked him up so that he could lean against Minho's chest. Key fisted his hands in the back of Minho's shirt and didn't even feel the glass in his arms anymore or the blood that was dripping down to his elbows, because the blow to his heart was worse than any physical pain he'd ever felt in his entire life.
"Shh, Kibum, shh… You'll be okay, just breathe…" Minho held him tightly around his middle and patted him on the back just to remind him that he was there at all.
"Oh god, Minho, he's not-" He couldn't hold back the sobs that shook his entire frame; the more his mind echoed that thought, the more it sunk in and the worse it felt.
This was too much for him to think about, too much for his heart to handle at all.
"Minho, I can't breathe," His voice was less than a whisper, a hasty, panicked whisper.
"Yes you can, just calm down. I'm here, I've got you,"
The words were soft and reassuring but they did nothing to help Kibum, who felt like his heart was slowly disintegrating. He clawed at Minho's shirt, clenching his back teeth hard to keep from screaming in his agony.
"Minho, I can't-" He blinked and the world got darker around the edges, already blurry with tears.
Right in front of him, he could see the outline of Jonghyun's figure, standing at a distance with his hands in his pockets and a sheepish smile on his face. He was harder to make out than ever, and his head hurt with strain just to keep him there, and finally, finally Kibum could feel that he was doing this, that Jonghyun wasn't there, that it was Kibum's mind making these images and he couldn't handle it.
He went limp against Minho's chest, vision going black for the second time that day.
He knew that he would never see Jonghyun again.
A/N - so, yes. He isn't real after all. anyone who can figure out what really happened gets 10 points.
Next chapter is the last c: I hope that you like it :)
Kat
mikssi
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