Chemically Imbalanced 5/9

[mikssi]

Title: Chemically Imbalanced 5/9
Pairing: Jongkey, Minkey
Rating: PG15-NC17
Genre: au, angst, romance, psychological
Summary: Kibum was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when he was only fifteen years old. Seeing his psychiatrist every day was nothing new. Being on the wrong end of dirty looks because he reacted to something that, to everyone else, never happened was nothing new. There was only one person who accepted Kibum for who he was, and he was fine with that. He just never considered that someone could come into his life and change that.




Kibum walked into his living room and smiled.

"Hey," Minho greeted, lips barely curving upwards. He sat on the couch, leaning comfortably against the arm. Just like always.

"Hey," Kibum said in return, crossing to his sofa and sitting down, close to Minho's side. He leaned his head on his shoulder, having been mindful enough to blow-dry his hair so not to wet Minho's clothes.

Minho slung an arm around his shoulders, pulling him in closer to his side and rubbing his hand along his upper-arm.

Kibum smiled lightly and patted Minho's gray t-shirt clad chest. "You look handsome in normal clothes. Not just suits all the time."

Minho chuckled and Kibum could feel it rumbling in his chest. "Most people would think the opposite."

He grimaced. "I'm not most people, then."

"No, you're not." There was a smile in Minho's voice.

Kibum slid an arm over his stomach and tucked his head more comfortably under his collarbone. "I'm sorry I haven't come in for a while."

"Why haven't you?" Minho asked, the hurt in his voice much clearer than it was over the phone.

"I was mad at you." He said frankly.

"Why?"

"You lied." His voice was quiet, and he felt more selfish than ever.

"I did?"

"You said the medicine wouldn't make me sick. Or fat. And it did." He felt childish. Childish, immature, like a fucking preschooler. But he just couldn't change it now. This was how things were. This was how he acted with Minho. How he'd always been.

"Kibummie..." Minho murmured, and pulled him in to his chest, both arms wrapping tightly around him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lie. Or make you mad."

"It's all right. I'm not mad anymore. I was just being stupid." He shook his head, but made no move to let go of Minho's waist. It felt too nice, too warm against his chest, to have his arms around him and his head nestled into his shoulder.

He wished that he could do this with Jonghyun. Wished that it wouldn't have to just be Jonghyun's arms around him, that it could be like this, with Kibum clinging to Jonghyun too.

"I forgot to take my medicine this morning. You called me and I got distracted." He mumbled against his collarbone.

Minho pulled back and Kibum made a face, trying to fix him back where he was.

The younger looked amused with his resistance. "Have you eaten anything today?"

He shook his head.

"You're supposed to take it with food, Kibum," Minho said, sounding a bit unsure, like he was afraid that Kibum would lash out at him for acting like Doctor Minho again.

"I know. I just haven't had a chance to eat anything yet." He didn't want to tell him why.

"Let's make food, then. I haven't eaten either." Minho suggested, smiling warmly.

Kibum made a face of dissent, moving to cling to his neck.

"Kibum…" Minho said, stern.

"What?" The older asked, muffled on his neck.

"You need to eat."

"Okay Doct-"

"Do you think I can still pick you up?" Minho cut him off.

"What?" Kibum asked, alarmed by the sudden question.

"You know, like I did all the time when we were teenagers,"

"What are you-"

"Hold on,"

"What, Minho, wait-" Kibum let out a completely justified scream when Minho suddenly looped his hands under his thighs and heaved himself to stand. He fisted his hands in the back of Minho's shirt and crossed his ankles around his back.

Minho looked way too amused with the situation, holding onto Kibum's thighs.

"Let-me-down-Minho!" Kibum protested, hitting his chest when he felt secure enough to let go with one hand.

Minho shrugged and relaxed his arms, making Kibum drop quickly and cling onto him for safety.

"Yah!"

Minho threw his head back and laughed, full and loud.

Kibum, against his will, couldn't help but smile as well. "How are you even strong? You make a living sitting in a chair all day." He grumbled, ignoring the close proximity of their faces as Minho carried him effortlessly through the living room to the kitchen.

"It's called going to the gym, Kibum." He rolled his eyes. "I do it twice a week after work."

Kibum glared at his smart comment.

"Plus, I did sports when I was a kid, remember? I still remember how to stay in shape from that. Jogging and whatever." He shrugged again.

"Minho, you haven't been in a sport since we were fifteen."

"I know." Minho's eyes widened playfully, and he set Kibum down on the counter by the sink. "I quit so I could take care of you." He flicked him lightly on the forehead.

Kibum glowered and rubbed the spot. He never said it out loud, but he much preferred this Minho, the natural one who treated his house like home, the one who wasn't afraid to joke or be friendly with him.

He bent down to get a pan out of the bottom cabinet. "What do you want to eat?" He asked when he stood, digging in a drawer for a spatula.

Kibum crossed his ankles again leaned forward on the edge of the countertop. "I don't care. Make me something good."

Minho opened his mouth to speak.

Kibum narrowed his eyes. "Not ramyeon."

His face fell. "Fine." He sighed heavily and swung his refrigerator door open, gathering up ingredients and throwing them haphazardly next to the stove.

The older watched him interestedly the whole time, wondering in the back of his head if Jonghyun was a good cook like Minho.

It was nice, not having to cook for himself for once.

It was nice, just having Minho there with him at all.

"Minho?" He asked, unusually quiet and tentative.

"Hmm?" Minho didn't look up from the stove, setting some water to boil.

"Do you think you're ever going to get married?"

The younger glanced up at him unsurely. "Probably not."

"But didn't you always want kids?" It was a bit disappointing, honestly, to hear this from Minho. Every time they were around children, Minho lit up in smiles and playful spirit. Kibum knew that Minho would be a great father.

"Do I have to be married to have kids?" He asked, looking over with a smile.

Kibum pursed his lips. "I guess not. You need to figure this out soon, though. You're getting old, Choi Minho. You're not the young stud you used to be." He pointed a finger at him accusingly.

Minho laughed again, pausing chopping up vegetables to let his head fall back. "Kibum, I'm only twenty-five."

He shrugged. That made no difference.

"And I'm so a young stud." He flipped his hair out of his face theatrically, the shaggy bangs falling into his eyes just so he could shake them back again. He hooded his eyes and parted his lips, all for effect, and Kibum had to admit that Minho was a very, very handsome man. "See?"

Still, he rolled his eyes. "Sure, Minho, whatever. How many times have you been proposed to now?"

"Like… thirty-three, I think?" Minho replied good-naturedly.

Kibum grabbed a spoon from atop the counter and threatened to throw it.

Minho recoiled, grinning.

Kibum always liked his grin. His real, wide smile, baring his imperfect teeth and stretching ever-chapped lips. It was a really pretty smile.

"But most of them were from patients. I think that breaks a few rules of professionalism right there."

"I think this breaks a few rules of professionalism…" Kibum mumbled, referring to the fact that his doctor was making him lunch at his house.

Kibum didn't think Minho would hear that, but he did. "Yeah, well… I became a doctor to help you, didn't I? What use would it be to give you up now?" Despite his serious words, his eyes were warm.

Sometimes Kibum truly felt bad that Minho became a doctor just for him. How much had he sacrificed already, just in his short years? All of the years visiting Kibum in dingy little psych wards all over town, his entire chance at a regular school life thwarted by the fact that he did nothing but study ever since Kibum was diagnosed…

"And before you start doubting yourself, Kibummie," Minho interrupted his thoughts, somehow (always) knowing what he was thinking, "It was worth it. No amount of first dates in high school or parties in college or soccer trophies could ever equal what it's like, knowing that I can help you."

Kibum clasped his hands in his lap and looked down at his hands. It was true, an understatement at best, that Minho helped him. In all of his years, there hadn't been a single other person that Kibum trusted. But Minho was there with the exact words he needed to hear, the authority to give the right dosage he needed to take, the sacrifice of free time to be the shoulder he needed to lean on… It was always Minho, even from the beginning.

And what did Kibum ever give him in return?

Weeks of avoidance for one inadvertent lie?

"Minho, why are you such a saint?" Kibum asked, almost exhausted.

He adjusted the heat on the pot and began adding ingredients and spices. "What do you mean?"

Kibum didn't want to explain. He knew it would only make him feel worse about it.

But what could he possibly give him in return? Nothing would ever equate to everything Minho did for him.

"You okay?" Minho asked perceptively.

"Yeah," He knew that Minho didn't believe him.

The younger stirred whatever he was preparing and then let it sit on the stove unattended on low heat as he walked over to Kibum and stood in front of him. He rested his hands comfortably on his knees.

Kibum covered Minho's hands with his own.

"You don't want to tell me?"

The older shook his head.

Minho's eyes were soft and concerned, but he nodded in acceptance. "All right. Is it something I'm doing?"

He did the same again.

"Okay, good." He rubbed his knee gently. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

Kibum rolled his eyes. "No, I'm wasn't aware that I could talk to my psychiatrist."

"Best friend," Minho corrected him. "Best friend first, then psychiatrist. Always." He smoothed back his bangs and kissed his forehead, and Kibum had the fleeting question in his head of what Jonghyun would think of this, that maybe his and Minho's relationship wasn't exactly best friends, and maybe it never had been.

But he hated to consider that maybe he was doing something to betray Jonghyun when he was with Minho, the same as they always were. Maybe… maybe things needed to change now, since Jonghyun was in his life.

It was much easier to think that, however, than to put it into effect when Minho was the only person who he trusted, the only person who he could touch without fear. It was hard to not have such a blurred relationship with him when he was all he had, other than Jonghyun.

"Is the food done?" Kibum asked, and his voice sounded so small, even to himself.

Minho glanced over at the pot and then went to tend to it.

Kibum tugged at the fabric of his sweatpants, trying to think of anything-everything-but the night before. Part of him felt like he should tell Minho, that Minho could help him get past it and figure out a way to talk to Jonghyun about the whole situation.

But the more rational part of him knew how much it would hurt Minho to know what he did with another guy.

So, he kept it to himself. Kept the images of the rushed way Jonghyun's tongue moved over his throat, the feeling of being on his hands and knees and in pain as Jonghyun moved, the way that it turned overwhelmingly good but was just that: overwhelming, and how he regretted every second of it, to himself.

"Kibum?"

He looked up from his knees, only to see the concerned expression back on Minho's face.

"Want to taste?" He offered, holding up the spoon he'd been using to stir.

"I'm fine," Kibum smiled, but it was shaky, and he knew that Minho saw it. "I trust your judgment."

Minho nodded and reached into another cabinet to grab a couple of bowls to ladle the run-of-the-mill kimchi stew into.

He walked with the two bowls in hand towards his dining table, gesturing for Kibum to follow him. "Careful getting down."

Kibum scoffed. "It was more dangerous when you picked me up. I was like five meters off the ground."

"One hundred eighty centimeters at most," Minho replied, a cocky tone to his words. He'd always been proud of the fact that he was ridiculously tall.

"Excuse me…" He hopped down from the counter and followed the younger to the table. "I'm not much shorter than you are, you know."

"I never said you were," Minho said coolly, setting the bowls down and then going to get silverware.

Kibum pondered how much shorter Jonghyun would be than Minho… at the mental image of the older beside Minho, standing almost a head shorter, he almost started laughing aloud.

"Are you laughing at my cooking?" Minho asked, offended as he sat down at the table across from Kibum.

"No, just… something else." He shrugged dismissively, taking a spoon from Minho's hand and stirring his stew.

Minho, for once, didn't pry. Kibum guessed that it had to do with the fact that they were at home, not at his office.

They ate in silence, Kibum once again impressed by Minho's cooking. He couldn't remember eating something Minho had made him in the past ten years that didn't taste good.

(He smiled around his spoon when he remembered the first time that Minho had ever cooked for him, and then brought it to the hospital he was staying at during visiting hours, visibly nervous and looking down at the floor as his seventeen-year-old self grinned in appreciation.)

Minho made a huge production of rubbing his stomach and leaning back in his seat whenever he finished his bowl.

Kibum simply laughed and made an even bigger production of continuing to eat, clinking his spoon obnoxiously against his bowl and slurping in the broth.

Of course, Minho was right on top of things, and immediately stood up whenever Kibum set his spoon down. "Are you done?" He asked, almost anxiously.

Kibum nodded and slid the bowl towards him. He picked them both up and went over to the sink, switching on the hot water and wetting the sponge.

"Minho, I can wash that later… You don't have to-"

"I'm already doing it." Minho shrugged.

Kibum sighed once again at his never-ending kindness. He got up as well and filled a glass with water before sitting back on the counter and picking up his pill bottle.

He could feel Minho peeking at him from the corner of his eye as he tried to look natural washing the dishes. Kibum just ignored it, popping two of the little pills into his mouth and then swallowing them down with the entire glass of water.

"Took my medicine. Are you proud of me, Doc?" He asked jokingly, not making any move to get down from the counter.

Minho chuckled, but didn't respond. He shut off the water and dried his hands on a hand towel hanging up on top of the sink.

"I have a question, Kibummie." He moved in front of Kibum again, making to tuck his hands in his pockets until Kibum reached out and took them with his own instead.

"Hmm?" He asked, avoiding Minho's eyes because of how close they were. Ever since he imagined him earlier, Jonghyun was all that was on his mind. Jonghyun, and how it was probably wrong to be like this with Minho.

"Do you really only think of me as your doctor?" There was an edge of vulnerability in his words.

Kibum's heart fell and he looked up at Minho again. There was the same uncertainty in his eyes. "Of course not, Minho. You're my best friend. You're…" He hesitated for a moment. "You're more important to me than anyone."

Minho tensed.

Kibum knew what he wanted to ask, but wasn't going to:

More important than Jonghyun?

The answer was yes. As much as he loved Jonghyun, Minho had always been there for him. As much as he wanted Jonghyun to mean everything to him, wanted to trust him, Minho was still that person in Kibum's life.

"What's it like, to be able to touch the person that you love?" He asked softly, derailing the prior conversation. "To hug them and hold their hand and not be afraid that they're going to disappear between your fingers?"

Minho smoothed his thumb over Kibum's knuckles. "I'm... it's kind of hard to explain, Kibummie."

Kibum nodded, though disappointed.

"It's just... I can't speak for anyone else. I'm different for everyone." Minho continued speaking, voice low as ever, though tender.

Kibum waited for him to go on.

"To touch the person I love... I feel lucky. Really, really lucky that I'm trusted. I feel... It's just nice, to feel that person, to let them know that you care about them. Little affectionate touches... For other people, they don't matter. But for me, for the person I love to touch me, it's special every time." He finished, smiling, a hint of a blush on his cheeks.

Kibum looked down at their hands. He maneuvered his hand out of Minho's grip and instead held them palm-to-palm, fingers straightened out. He shut his eyes and let their fingers slide to lace together, imagining what it would be like to feel Jonghyun's hand with his, the fingers shorter and thicker than Minho's long, thin ones.

"But like I said…" Minho spoke again, and Kibum's eyes opened slowly, the image in his head crumbling.

The younger bent forward until their foreheads were pressed together, his big eyes shut. "It's different, because that person for me is you."

Kibum's heart stopped for a second.

Minho, after more than twenty years being his best friend, actually confessed.

Once started up, Kibum's heart starting beating faster than he'd ever known was possible.

"Minho, I-" What was he even supposed to say? Minho was his best friend in the whole world, the only person who he trusted, the person who meant the most to him in his life... But he didn't-he wasn't-

"Don't act surprised, Kibummie," Minho chuckled, a shade bitter, backing away from him but not letting go of his hands.

"Minho..." His throat felt choked, his stomach clenched just the same.

"You don't have to say anything... I know that you love him." He smiled, a sad tinge in his doe eyes.

Kibum was sure that he'd never hated himself more than the moment he heard those words from Minho's lips…

But that was only until he found himself speaking his own next words.

"I want you to meet him." He whispered, looking down at their hands again.

Minho went stone-faced.

"You'll know if he's good for me. You know me better than I do." He half-smiled.

"No one is better for you than I am."

The sad thing was that Kibum knew that. He'd always known that. It wasn't even a matter of perception. It was just fact. Minho cared about him with his whole heart. Minho knew him, understood him, had always been there for him. He was gentle and caring and all that Kibum would ever need.

But there was just something in him... Something that would always stop him from loving him. Something that made Jonghyun better in his eyes, something that disillusioned Kibum to feel for Jonghyun what he never thought he felt for Minho.

Usually, the mind made sense of what a messed-up heart wanted.

Too bad for Kibum that his head was fucked up, too.

"I know." Kibum whispered, and there was something about admitting it that made him doubt everything he'd ever felt before.

He shook his head in dismissal. "I'll meet him, if you want me to."

Kibum stayed silent, heart heavy.

"Just... Not now. Just let me have right now."

Kibum wasn't sure what he meant by that until he stepped forward, wrapping his arms securely around Kibum's waist, resting his chin on top of his head.

Kibum breathed in, and oxygen started to feel a lot like regret in his lungs. He hugged Minho back, just as tightly, widening the v of his legs so Minho could come closer.

When Minho pressed his lips to the top of Kibum's hair, the tingles through to his fingertips felt more real than anything he'd experienced the entire week.

A/N - this is my favorite chapter for reasons.

and can I say that it kind of concerns me how many people actually enjoyed the "smut" from last chapter?? 'cause it wasn't really meant to be "good" in terms of smut.. considering how kibum wasn't at all emotionally prepared for something like that, and.. yeah.

and just heads-up.. I've decided that I'm not going to reply to the comments of any chapters other than the first (which I already have), and the last. this is just so I don't give anything away and such.. yeah. and that's a good thing in general, because that means that I can update more quickly and such when I actually finish writing this, I mean. XP

soo.. I'll see you next chapter :)

Kat
mikssi

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