[Fic] Illusion of Truth - D.Gray-man, Lavi/Kanda, 6/10+
Ahaha, I am seriously ignoring other things I should be doing in order to write this. But now I'm just being stubborn, because I want to see if I really can post ten chapters in ten days without having written it ahead of time. *sweatdrops*
Which actually may not be my wisest course of action, because apparently I'm scatterbrained this week and have been forgetting things left, right and centre. Um. Much thanks to those who've been pointing out my continuity errors and other problems, I really REALLY appreciate your help. My beta fixes my grammar and spelling and tells me when I flat out don't make sense, but she's no better at catching continuity problems than I am.
I am amused that this fic is going to end up being at least 15k shorter than my other D.Gray-man story, despite being three chapters longer. Go figure.
Title: Illusion of Truth
Series: D.Gray-man
Pairing: Lavi/Kanda
Rating: NC-17 in other chapters
Warnings: violence, sex, yaoi, spoilers (I don't usually warn for spoilers, but some of what I know about the characters is manga stuff that hasn't been revealed in the anime yet, just fyi)
Chapter length: 3246
Total length: 20,679
Kanda is starting to wonder if there is a 'real' Lavi.
Kanda wasn't sure how long they remained tangled on the bed together. He didn't fall asleep, but he did drift for a while, soaking up the feel of Lavi's strong body pressed against his. The redhead's breathing had evened out after a little while and he'd stopped trembling, and Kanda thought he might be dozing as well.
When he turned his head to look, though, he found that Lavi was wide awake and watching him. The other man's expression was serious, and the look in his eye was full of wistful regrets. "What?" Kanda asked him, a little unnerved by that stare.
Lavi shook his head. "If you wanted to pay me back for making you suffer over the last two years, you've succeeded," he informed Kanda, his voice steady but hoarse. For once he wasn't slurring his words, but he wasn't acting like Trey, either. Kanda wondered if maybe, finally, he was getting a glimpse of the 'real' Lavi.
"Even when I thought I didn't mean a damned thing to you, choosing between being a Bookman and staying with you was hard," the redhead continued. "There hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't wondered what would've happened if I'd made the other choice. Walking away from you a second time, knowing that you want me, is going to kill me."
"Then don't," Kanda exclaimed, his heart clenching in his chest. Why the hell was Lavi talking about walking away? Hadn't Kanda just proved that he couldn't? "I'm not trying to hurt you, damn it, I'm just trying to make you see reason!"
Lavi gave a short, sharp laugh, and the sound had nothing to do with mirth. "Did you think if you could just get me back in bed and prove we both still wanted each other, that would fix everything? This isn't a fucking romance novel, Yuu. The real world doesn't work that way. You can shout 'I love you' until you're blue in the face, that won't make the rest of the universe magically shift itself to make everything right for you."
"So that's it?" Kanda rasped, trying to force his heart back down out of his throat. "You're just going to give up everything and walk away again?"
"Yeah." Lavi nodded slowly, firmly. "Yeah, I am. I'm a Bookman, Yuu. Nothing we do will change that."
He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, but Kanda caught his wrist in a tight grip before he could reach for his pants. "Stop using that as an excuse!" Kanda hissed, furious.
"It's not an excuse, it's a fact," Lavi shot back. "I can't be a Bookman and be with you. I don't get to have my cake and eat it, too, Yuu. The Bookman works alone, always, except for his heir. I didn't make the rules and I don't have to like them, but you can be damned sure Bookman will enforce them."
Kanda couldn't come up with an immediate argument to that. Lavi wrenched his arm out of Kanda's grip and stood, starting to dress. His movements were slow, almost methodical, but Kanda could see a fine tremor in the other man's hands. Lavi wasn't nearly as calm about this as he was trying to pretend to be.
Pushing himself to a sitting position, Kanda just watched him for a moment. "I do love you," he forced himself to admit, and Lavi actually flinched. The redhead paused, holding his shirt in his hands with his head bowed, his eye hidden by his bangs. "Even knowing that, you're still going to choose to leave?"
"I have to," Lavi whispered, anguished. "I have to, Yuu. I've spent twenty years learning to be a Bookman, learning to see and remember things most people wouldn't even notice, learning to divorce myself from the rest of humanity so I can stay objective. You wanted to know what the real me is like, well, that's it. I love what I do, I believe in the importance of the secret histories, and I don't want to give it up."
He finally lifted his head and met Kanda's eyes, and the soul-deep misery in his expression stopped Kanda's protests before he could even make them. "And even if I wanted to, I can't," Lavi continued. "Bookman's too damned old to spend another twenty years training a new heir, even assuming he could find a suitable candidate tomorrow. Kids with the abilities and inclination to become a Bookman don't exactly grow on trees, you know. He spent his whole life searching until he found me. If I leave, the line dies with him. Thousands of years of tradition, of history, all of it would end because I was too damned selfish to do my duty. Do you really think I could live with myself?"
They stared at each other for a long moment, while Kanda absorbed that. The struggle between love and duty, honour and desire, was certainly something he could understand. Samurai might have been outlawed in Japan, but Kanda had grown up before bushido had become nothing more than a word.
"That's why I left the first time, even though I'd done the unthinkable and started to actually care about you and the others," Lavi finished softly. "I really did honestly think about giving it up for a while, but I couldn't do it. It's who I am."
Slowly, painfully, Kanda let that sink in and made himself accept it. "If you were the kind of person who could abandon his duty like that, I suppose I wouldn't be able to love you in the first place," he said, fighting to keep his voice level. "I'm... sorry. I was trying to fix things, not make it harder on you." He lowered his eyes and struggled for control.
To his surprise, he felt fingers threading gently through his hair. The tie of his ponytail had snapped at some point, and the long strands shifted around his nude body as Lavi stroked them. "I know you weren't," Lavi assured him. "And I probably should've just explained it to you right off the bat, instead of trying to avoid the issue. I'm sorry, too, but 'sorry' doesn't make things right. Any more than 'I love you', does. And gods help me, but I do love you."
Kanda looked up again, but Lavi was already moving away, pulling his shirt over his head to hide his expression. "So now what?" he asked uncertainly.
"Now you find and kill that Akuma, and I go face the music with Bookman." Tucking his shirt into his pants, the redhead's expression was distant, as if he was slowly separating himself from his emotions. Though Kanda had continued to think of him as 'Lavi' for lack of a better name, he was still holding on to that unknown third personality that Kanda suspected was the real him.
That surprised Kanda, who had expected him to revert to being Trey once he was ready to leave. "Lav..." he broke off in mid-name, remembering the redhead's injunction against calling him that.
Again to his surprise, the other man gave him a brief, tiny smile. "You can call me what you want, I guess," he told Kanda. "It doesn't really matter, now. They're all the same to me."
Something in his voice, or maybe the look in his eye, held Kanda frozen in the bed with his tongue glued to the roof of his mouth. The redhead left the room and pulled the door shut behind him, and Kanda finally remembered to breathe again.
The same note of utter finality that had kept him motionless just a moment before now spurred him into action. Cursing, Kanda snatched up his pants and started dressing as fast as he could. He had the awful feeling that letting the redhead stay too long out of sight meant something horrible and irreversible was going to happen.
Once his shirt and boots were on, Kanda all but flew out the door without even bothering to try to pull his hair up. He didn't have the time to waste, though he wasn't sure just what he was racing against. All he knew was that he couldn't leave things at that. He couldn't argue with Lavi's dedication to his duties as a Bookman, fine, but that didn't mean there wasn't anything they could do to make this turn out better for them. Kanda had never been good at admitting defeat, and he refused to allow this to be any different.
At the top of the stairs, he paused just long enough to make out the sound of Lavi and Bookman talking on the floor below. They were speaking a language Kanda had never heard before, but what they were saying was unimportant. He took the stairs two at a time, coming to a halt a few steps above where Lavi stood. Bookman was beyond him in the entranceway, frowning up at his heir. When he saw Kanda, the frown deepened.
"Trey!" he snapped before Kanda had a chance to figure out what he wanted to say. "I'm disappointed in you, boy. It's bad enough the way you've been backsliding this whole week, but this is unacceptable. I trained you better than this."
Lavi flushed and ducked his head, and for the first time Kanda realized how dishevelled the redhead still looked. The blood and dirt on his shirt could be explained away by the battle earlier, but the way his hair was mussed and his clothes rumpled took on a very different context when combined with Kanda's own messy appearance. They couldn't have been any more obvious about the fact that they'd just had sex if they'd tried.
Looking at the Bookman, Kanda's eyes narrowed. Part of him knew this was no more Bookman's fault than it was his and Lavi's, but he wasn't feeling particularly fair at the moment. "What of it, old man?" he snarled, clenching his fists. "This is none of your damned business, so stay out of it. We can work this out between ourselves."
Bookman opened his mouth, probably to say something scathing, but Lavi interrupted him first. "Stop it! Both of you, just stop it," he ordered. "If you're going to bitch at someone, then bitch at me, because I'm the one who deserves it. I'm the one who fucked up."
That made Bookman focus on him again, looking even less happy than he had before. "You're not even trying to hold your persona!" he accused the redhead. "But you're not Lavi, either. What..."
"I can't do it," Lavi told him, his voice broken and defeated. "I just can't. Not with him, of all people." He bowed low, keeping his gaze fixed on the floor. "I'm sorry, master. I can't keep the records separate. When I'm with him, I just can't hold on to Trey. I've failed this one."
Kanda all but vibrated with the need to say something, to go to him and touch him in reassurance, but the tension between the two Bookmen left him feeling locked on the outside of the scene. Bookman's frown became thoughtful as he watched the younger man, and Lavi held the repentant bow without wavering.
At last the old man sighed and reached out to lay one hand on the redhead's shoulder, making him look up in surprise. "The fault lies not entirely with you," Bookman admitted grudgingly. "I never should have allowed you to spend so long in one alias at such a formative age, and I certainly shouldn't have permitted you to be fighting out on the front lines. You've always exceeded my expectations, and it made me ask more of you than was reasonable."
He raised his eyes to meet Kanda's, his voice carefully neutral as he continued to speak to Lavi. "I forced you to make the choice to leave the Order as we did in the hopes of reminding you that all ties must be severed, but I should have remembered that fate has an odd way of playing with people's lives." His voice was dry. "If it had been anyone but Kanda I think you still would have managed, but my third mistake was in letting you form that attachment in the first place. I should have cut it short the moment I realized what was happening, but I thought the stress relief would be good for you and I didn't expect you to let your emotions get involved. It's been too long since I was eighteen, I'd forgotten just how intense everything can seem at that age."
Lavi jerked upright as if someone had yanked on him like a marionette, and he stared at Bookman. "You knew?" he exclaimed, disbelieving. "I thought..."
"That you'd managed to keep it hidden? From me?" Bookman snorted and tucked his hands into his sleeves. "Please. I taught you everything you know about maintaining illusions, but I haven't taught you everything I know about spotting them. Unfortunately you did manage to hide your growing emotional attachment until the very end."
"He hid that from both of us," Kanda put in wryly. "You taught him too well, old man." He was gripping the banister so tightly it was a wonder the wood didn't splinter under his fingers, but it was the only way he could hang onto his control. His emotional defences were rubbed raw after everything that had happened earlier with Lavi, and this confrontation with Bookman wasn't helping. He would show weakness to Lavi if it would help him win his case, but he refused to let Bookman see even the hint of a crack in his armour.
"Or not well enough." Bookman shrugged, and looked back at Lavi. "I told you at the beginning that control of this record is in your hands. That hasn't changed. What are you going to do?"
Taking a deep breath, the redhead let it out slowly. "I think it's time to move on," he said softly, sounding like the words were forced out of him. "The siege is over and the battles are being fought elsewhere, so staying here isn't getting us any further in our records. And if I don't leave now..." He swallowed and glanced back over his shoulder, meeting Kanda's eyes for the barest instant before dropping his gaze to the floor again. "If I don't leave now, I'm not going to leave at all."
The expression of utter misery and pleading that Kanda had caught in that one brief glimpse of Lavi's face kept him from objecting once again. Bitterly he wondered when Lavi had gained so much control over him.
"Good," Bookman nodded, satisfied. "We'll pack our things and be on our way before..."
"No!" All three of them jumped at the sudden exclamation, and a moment later Marysa came running out of the kitchen where she had apparently been lurking. She threw herself at Lavi, latching onto his arm and burying her face in his shoulder. "No, Trey, you can't leave! Please, you can't leave me here alone!"
As usual the blonde girl's presence caused Lavi to instantly revert to Trey, as if someone had flipped a switch. Kanda had to wonder what the girl was making of these abrupt changes in character, since she didn't know the whole story. Or did she? That was the second time she'd eavesdropped on them, and at this point she must have gotten an earful.
"Marysa, I'm sorry," Trey said softly, taking her hand and gently disengaging it from his sleeve. "I can't stay. We follow where the battles go, and this war has moved away from here. I'm glad I was able to help you and be your friend while I was here, but..."
"No!" she insisted, refusing to let go. "No, this isn't the way it's supposed to happen. You're supposed to stay here with me, you're supposed to fall in love with me and stay forever! You promised!" She turned a tear-streaked face to Kanda and glared hatefully at him. "This is all your fault! Everything was okay until you came! I wish you would just die!"
Stamping her foot in a childish gesture, she whirled and ran for the back door, sobbing wretchedly into her hands. The sound of her crying carried back to them long after the door had banged shut behind her. Lavi didn't even attempt to hold on to Trey's personality once she was gone.
Kanda raised an eyebrow at the redhead. "Just how many people do you make that sort of promise to?" he asked dryly. "I didn't think you were heartless enough to actually encourage her like that."
"I never promised her anything!" Lavi protested, raising his hands in a defensive gesture. "I don't know where she got that idea! I played up being her friend because we needed a place to stay while the siege was on, but I never made any promises like that!"
"She is young and female, and in the throes of her first crush," Bookman pointed out. "You should have known better than to give her any encouragement. Kanda, I assume you will remain here to take care of this Akuma?"
As a warning not to follow them, it wasn't all that subtle, but it was graceful enough that Kanda could accept it without hurting his pride. "Of course," he snapped, drawing himself up and gathering the remaining shards of his control around him. There had been a time, before Lavi wormed his way past his defences, when Kanda hadn't let anything or anyone break that control. He struggled to regain that icy detachment now. "I can handle it without you. I won't let it catch me by surprise again."
"Then we'll leave the problem in your capable hands," Bookman nodded. "Trey?"
"I need a little while to gather my stuff," Lavi said, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the common room where he'd left his notes and records spread out. "It's all over the place. Give me an hour and I'll meet you in the entrance. That will still be plenty of time for us to get away from the city before dark falls."
Bookman looked at Kanda, then back at his heir, and nodded. "One hour," he agreed. "I'll pack my things as well."
Kanda had to step down to let the old man get by him on the stairs, and that put him on a level with Lavi again. "So you just walk away and that's it? Is that how you really want this to end?" he asked when Bookman was out of sight, keeping his voice low.
"End?" Lavi laughed, the sound bitter. "Are you kidding me? This is how it starts. I'll spend the rest of my life regretting the decision to leave you behind, but it's the only choice I can live with. Don't worry, Yuu. I'll be just as miserable as you will."
He moved forward and caught Kanda's chin in his fingers, leaning in close to brush their lips together. Kanda didn't fight him, but he didn't participate either. He didn't think he could bear to let Lavi go again if he did.
"At least this time I got to say goodbye," Lavi murmured when he pulled back, his green eye full of sorrow but his expression determined. Without another word he turned and walked into the common room, and Kanda let him go. There was nothing more either of them could say.
Which actually may not be my wisest course of action, because apparently I'm scatterbrained this week and have been forgetting things left, right and centre. Um. Much thanks to those who've been pointing out my continuity errors and other problems, I really REALLY appreciate your help. My beta fixes my grammar and spelling and tells me when I flat out don't make sense, but she's no better at catching continuity problems than I am.
I am amused that this fic is going to end up being at least 15k shorter than my other D.Gray-man story, despite being three chapters longer. Go figure.
Title: Illusion of Truth
Series: D.Gray-man
Pairing: Lavi/Kanda
Rating: NC-17 in other chapters
Warnings: violence, sex, yaoi, spoilers (I don't usually warn for spoilers, but some of what I know about the characters is manga stuff that hasn't been revealed in the anime yet, just fyi)
Chapter length: 3246
Total length: 20,679
Kanda is starting to wonder if there is a 'real' Lavi.
Kanda wasn't sure how long they remained tangled on the bed together. He didn't fall asleep, but he did drift for a while, soaking up the feel of Lavi's strong body pressed against his. The redhead's breathing had evened out after a little while and he'd stopped trembling, and Kanda thought he might be dozing as well.
When he turned his head to look, though, he found that Lavi was wide awake and watching him. The other man's expression was serious, and the look in his eye was full of wistful regrets. "What?" Kanda asked him, a little unnerved by that stare.
Lavi shook his head. "If you wanted to pay me back for making you suffer over the last two years, you've succeeded," he informed Kanda, his voice steady but hoarse. For once he wasn't slurring his words, but he wasn't acting like Trey, either. Kanda wondered if maybe, finally, he was getting a glimpse of the 'real' Lavi.
"Even when I thought I didn't mean a damned thing to you, choosing between being a Bookman and staying with you was hard," the redhead continued. "There hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't wondered what would've happened if I'd made the other choice. Walking away from you a second time, knowing that you want me, is going to kill me."
"Then don't," Kanda exclaimed, his heart clenching in his chest. Why the hell was Lavi talking about walking away? Hadn't Kanda just proved that he couldn't? "I'm not trying to hurt you, damn it, I'm just trying to make you see reason!"
Lavi gave a short, sharp laugh, and the sound had nothing to do with mirth. "Did you think if you could just get me back in bed and prove we both still wanted each other, that would fix everything? This isn't a fucking romance novel, Yuu. The real world doesn't work that way. You can shout 'I love you' until you're blue in the face, that won't make the rest of the universe magically shift itself to make everything right for you."
"So that's it?" Kanda rasped, trying to force his heart back down out of his throat. "You're just going to give up everything and walk away again?"
"Yeah." Lavi nodded slowly, firmly. "Yeah, I am. I'm a Bookman, Yuu. Nothing we do will change that."
He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, but Kanda caught his wrist in a tight grip before he could reach for his pants. "Stop using that as an excuse!" Kanda hissed, furious.
"It's not an excuse, it's a fact," Lavi shot back. "I can't be a Bookman and be with you. I don't get to have my cake and eat it, too, Yuu. The Bookman works alone, always, except for his heir. I didn't make the rules and I don't have to like them, but you can be damned sure Bookman will enforce them."
Kanda couldn't come up with an immediate argument to that. Lavi wrenched his arm out of Kanda's grip and stood, starting to dress. His movements were slow, almost methodical, but Kanda could see a fine tremor in the other man's hands. Lavi wasn't nearly as calm about this as he was trying to pretend to be.
Pushing himself to a sitting position, Kanda just watched him for a moment. "I do love you," he forced himself to admit, and Lavi actually flinched. The redhead paused, holding his shirt in his hands with his head bowed, his eye hidden by his bangs. "Even knowing that, you're still going to choose to leave?"
"I have to," Lavi whispered, anguished. "I have to, Yuu. I've spent twenty years learning to be a Bookman, learning to see and remember things most people wouldn't even notice, learning to divorce myself from the rest of humanity so I can stay objective. You wanted to know what the real me is like, well, that's it. I love what I do, I believe in the importance of the secret histories, and I don't want to give it up."
He finally lifted his head and met Kanda's eyes, and the soul-deep misery in his expression stopped Kanda's protests before he could even make them. "And even if I wanted to, I can't," Lavi continued. "Bookman's too damned old to spend another twenty years training a new heir, even assuming he could find a suitable candidate tomorrow. Kids with the abilities and inclination to become a Bookman don't exactly grow on trees, you know. He spent his whole life searching until he found me. If I leave, the line dies with him. Thousands of years of tradition, of history, all of it would end because I was too damned selfish to do my duty. Do you really think I could live with myself?"
They stared at each other for a long moment, while Kanda absorbed that. The struggle between love and duty, honour and desire, was certainly something he could understand. Samurai might have been outlawed in Japan, but Kanda had grown up before bushido had become nothing more than a word.
"That's why I left the first time, even though I'd done the unthinkable and started to actually care about you and the others," Lavi finished softly. "I really did honestly think about giving it up for a while, but I couldn't do it. It's who I am."
Slowly, painfully, Kanda let that sink in and made himself accept it. "If you were the kind of person who could abandon his duty like that, I suppose I wouldn't be able to love you in the first place," he said, fighting to keep his voice level. "I'm... sorry. I was trying to fix things, not make it harder on you." He lowered his eyes and struggled for control.
To his surprise, he felt fingers threading gently through his hair. The tie of his ponytail had snapped at some point, and the long strands shifted around his nude body as Lavi stroked them. "I know you weren't," Lavi assured him. "And I probably should've just explained it to you right off the bat, instead of trying to avoid the issue. I'm sorry, too, but 'sorry' doesn't make things right. Any more than 'I love you', does. And gods help me, but I do love you."
Kanda looked up again, but Lavi was already moving away, pulling his shirt over his head to hide his expression. "So now what?" he asked uncertainly.
"Now you find and kill that Akuma, and I go face the music with Bookman." Tucking his shirt into his pants, the redhead's expression was distant, as if he was slowly separating himself from his emotions. Though Kanda had continued to think of him as 'Lavi' for lack of a better name, he was still holding on to that unknown third personality that Kanda suspected was the real him.
That surprised Kanda, who had expected him to revert to being Trey once he was ready to leave. "Lav..." he broke off in mid-name, remembering the redhead's injunction against calling him that.
Again to his surprise, the other man gave him a brief, tiny smile. "You can call me what you want, I guess," he told Kanda. "It doesn't really matter, now. They're all the same to me."
Something in his voice, or maybe the look in his eye, held Kanda frozen in the bed with his tongue glued to the roof of his mouth. The redhead left the room and pulled the door shut behind him, and Kanda finally remembered to breathe again.
The same note of utter finality that had kept him motionless just a moment before now spurred him into action. Cursing, Kanda snatched up his pants and started dressing as fast as he could. He had the awful feeling that letting the redhead stay too long out of sight meant something horrible and irreversible was going to happen.
Once his shirt and boots were on, Kanda all but flew out the door without even bothering to try to pull his hair up. He didn't have the time to waste, though he wasn't sure just what he was racing against. All he knew was that he couldn't leave things at that. He couldn't argue with Lavi's dedication to his duties as a Bookman, fine, but that didn't mean there wasn't anything they could do to make this turn out better for them. Kanda had never been good at admitting defeat, and he refused to allow this to be any different.
At the top of the stairs, he paused just long enough to make out the sound of Lavi and Bookman talking on the floor below. They were speaking a language Kanda had never heard before, but what they were saying was unimportant. He took the stairs two at a time, coming to a halt a few steps above where Lavi stood. Bookman was beyond him in the entranceway, frowning up at his heir. When he saw Kanda, the frown deepened.
"Trey!" he snapped before Kanda had a chance to figure out what he wanted to say. "I'm disappointed in you, boy. It's bad enough the way you've been backsliding this whole week, but this is unacceptable. I trained you better than this."
Lavi flushed and ducked his head, and for the first time Kanda realized how dishevelled the redhead still looked. The blood and dirt on his shirt could be explained away by the battle earlier, but the way his hair was mussed and his clothes rumpled took on a very different context when combined with Kanda's own messy appearance. They couldn't have been any more obvious about the fact that they'd just had sex if they'd tried.
Looking at the Bookman, Kanda's eyes narrowed. Part of him knew this was no more Bookman's fault than it was his and Lavi's, but he wasn't feeling particularly fair at the moment. "What of it, old man?" he snarled, clenching his fists. "This is none of your damned business, so stay out of it. We can work this out between ourselves."
Bookman opened his mouth, probably to say something scathing, but Lavi interrupted him first. "Stop it! Both of you, just stop it," he ordered. "If you're going to bitch at someone, then bitch at me, because I'm the one who deserves it. I'm the one who fucked up."
That made Bookman focus on him again, looking even less happy than he had before. "You're not even trying to hold your persona!" he accused the redhead. "But you're not Lavi, either. What..."
"I can't do it," Lavi told him, his voice broken and defeated. "I just can't. Not with him, of all people." He bowed low, keeping his gaze fixed on the floor. "I'm sorry, master. I can't keep the records separate. When I'm with him, I just can't hold on to Trey. I've failed this one."
Kanda all but vibrated with the need to say something, to go to him and touch him in reassurance, but the tension between the two Bookmen left him feeling locked on the outside of the scene. Bookman's frown became thoughtful as he watched the younger man, and Lavi held the repentant bow without wavering.
At last the old man sighed and reached out to lay one hand on the redhead's shoulder, making him look up in surprise. "The fault lies not entirely with you," Bookman admitted grudgingly. "I never should have allowed you to spend so long in one alias at such a formative age, and I certainly shouldn't have permitted you to be fighting out on the front lines. You've always exceeded my expectations, and it made me ask more of you than was reasonable."
He raised his eyes to meet Kanda's, his voice carefully neutral as he continued to speak to Lavi. "I forced you to make the choice to leave the Order as we did in the hopes of reminding you that all ties must be severed, but I should have remembered that fate has an odd way of playing with people's lives." His voice was dry. "If it had been anyone but Kanda I think you still would have managed, but my third mistake was in letting you form that attachment in the first place. I should have cut it short the moment I realized what was happening, but I thought the stress relief would be good for you and I didn't expect you to let your emotions get involved. It's been too long since I was eighteen, I'd forgotten just how intense everything can seem at that age."
Lavi jerked upright as if someone had yanked on him like a marionette, and he stared at Bookman. "You knew?" he exclaimed, disbelieving. "I thought..."
"That you'd managed to keep it hidden? From me?" Bookman snorted and tucked his hands into his sleeves. "Please. I taught you everything you know about maintaining illusions, but I haven't taught you everything I know about spotting them. Unfortunately you did manage to hide your growing emotional attachment until the very end."
"He hid that from both of us," Kanda put in wryly. "You taught him too well, old man." He was gripping the banister so tightly it was a wonder the wood didn't splinter under his fingers, but it was the only way he could hang onto his control. His emotional defences were rubbed raw after everything that had happened earlier with Lavi, and this confrontation with Bookman wasn't helping. He would show weakness to Lavi if it would help him win his case, but he refused to let Bookman see even the hint of a crack in his armour.
"Or not well enough." Bookman shrugged, and looked back at Lavi. "I told you at the beginning that control of this record is in your hands. That hasn't changed. What are you going to do?"
Taking a deep breath, the redhead let it out slowly. "I think it's time to move on," he said softly, sounding like the words were forced out of him. "The siege is over and the battles are being fought elsewhere, so staying here isn't getting us any further in our records. And if I don't leave now..." He swallowed and glanced back over his shoulder, meeting Kanda's eyes for the barest instant before dropping his gaze to the floor again. "If I don't leave now, I'm not going to leave at all."
The expression of utter misery and pleading that Kanda had caught in that one brief glimpse of Lavi's face kept him from objecting once again. Bitterly he wondered when Lavi had gained so much control over him.
"Good," Bookman nodded, satisfied. "We'll pack our things and be on our way before..."
"No!" All three of them jumped at the sudden exclamation, and a moment later Marysa came running out of the kitchen where she had apparently been lurking. She threw herself at Lavi, latching onto his arm and burying her face in his shoulder. "No, Trey, you can't leave! Please, you can't leave me here alone!"
As usual the blonde girl's presence caused Lavi to instantly revert to Trey, as if someone had flipped a switch. Kanda had to wonder what the girl was making of these abrupt changes in character, since she didn't know the whole story. Or did she? That was the second time she'd eavesdropped on them, and at this point she must have gotten an earful.
"Marysa, I'm sorry," Trey said softly, taking her hand and gently disengaging it from his sleeve. "I can't stay. We follow where the battles go, and this war has moved away from here. I'm glad I was able to help you and be your friend while I was here, but..."
"No!" she insisted, refusing to let go. "No, this isn't the way it's supposed to happen. You're supposed to stay here with me, you're supposed to fall in love with me and stay forever! You promised!" She turned a tear-streaked face to Kanda and glared hatefully at him. "This is all your fault! Everything was okay until you came! I wish you would just die!"
Stamping her foot in a childish gesture, she whirled and ran for the back door, sobbing wretchedly into her hands. The sound of her crying carried back to them long after the door had banged shut behind her. Lavi didn't even attempt to hold on to Trey's personality once she was gone.
Kanda raised an eyebrow at the redhead. "Just how many people do you make that sort of promise to?" he asked dryly. "I didn't think you were heartless enough to actually encourage her like that."
"I never promised her anything!" Lavi protested, raising his hands in a defensive gesture. "I don't know where she got that idea! I played up being her friend because we needed a place to stay while the siege was on, but I never made any promises like that!"
"She is young and female, and in the throes of her first crush," Bookman pointed out. "You should have known better than to give her any encouragement. Kanda, I assume you will remain here to take care of this Akuma?"
As a warning not to follow them, it wasn't all that subtle, but it was graceful enough that Kanda could accept it without hurting his pride. "Of course," he snapped, drawing himself up and gathering the remaining shards of his control around him. There had been a time, before Lavi wormed his way past his defences, when Kanda hadn't let anything or anyone break that control. He struggled to regain that icy detachment now. "I can handle it without you. I won't let it catch me by surprise again."
"Then we'll leave the problem in your capable hands," Bookman nodded. "Trey?"
"I need a little while to gather my stuff," Lavi said, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the common room where he'd left his notes and records spread out. "It's all over the place. Give me an hour and I'll meet you in the entrance. That will still be plenty of time for us to get away from the city before dark falls."
Bookman looked at Kanda, then back at his heir, and nodded. "One hour," he agreed. "I'll pack my things as well."
Kanda had to step down to let the old man get by him on the stairs, and that put him on a level with Lavi again. "So you just walk away and that's it? Is that how you really want this to end?" he asked when Bookman was out of sight, keeping his voice low.
"End?" Lavi laughed, the sound bitter. "Are you kidding me? This is how it starts. I'll spend the rest of my life regretting the decision to leave you behind, but it's the only choice I can live with. Don't worry, Yuu. I'll be just as miserable as you will."
He moved forward and caught Kanda's chin in his fingers, leaning in close to brush their lips together. Kanda didn't fight him, but he didn't participate either. He didn't think he could bear to let Lavi go again if he did.
"At least this time I got to say goodbye," Lavi murmured when he pulled back, his green eye full of sorrow but his expression determined. Without another word he turned and walked into the common room, and Kanda let him go. There was nothing more either of them could say.