[Fic] Facing the Truth - FFVII, Zack & Cloud
This is a bit different from my usual style, and I'm not entirely certain whether I like the way it came out or not. Since the story is set during the game and I had no interest in rewriting large sections of the plot just to get from one scene to the next, this is more of a sequence of scenes rather than a coherent story. If you haven't played the game you may find yourself a little confused by the sudden jumps, because I didn't bother to cover everything that happens in between.
Some small sections of dialogue were taken straight from 'OKvoicetalent's' game script on gamefaqs.com.
Title: Facing the Truth
Series: Final Fantasy VII
Pairing: Gen, though Zack/Aerith is briefly mentioned and you can see Zack/Cloud, Cloud/Tifa and Cloud/Aerith if you squint hard enough.
Word Count: 8024
Rating: uh, PG-13, maybe?
Warnings: MAJOR, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR LARGE CHUNKS OF THE GAME PLOT. I don't usually bother warning for spoilers, because if you're reading fic for something you haven't seen the canon of you really just have to expect that you're going to be randomly spoiled. But we're talking huge spoilers for really important plot points in the game, so for once I'm giving the warning. Also angst, which you should be expecting if you've played the game anyway.
When your entire life is built on a lie, there's nothing quite as terrifying as confronting the truth.
"...hopefully be able to find an inn with enough beds for us, and rest up for the night. Sound good? Cloud? Cloud!"
Jarred from his thoughts by the sound of Tifa insistently calling his name, Cloud blinked and looked back at the rest of his companions. Tifa had her hands on her hips and was glaring at him, while Barret and Aerith covered amusement. It was hard to judge Red XIII's expression, but Cloud thought he might be hiding laughter too. "What?" he asked, disconcerted by suddenly finding himself at the centre of attention.
"Oh, for..." Tifa huffed at him and threw her hands in the air. "I said, we're going to check the inns and hopefully find one with enough room for all of us, and get some rest before we head out tomorrow morning. Any objections?"
"No. No, that's fine," Cloud assured her absently, turning his attention back to the crowded street with a frown. Even though it was technically the 'off' season, Costa del Sol was filled with people, and it was hard to pick any one face out of the mass. Yet he was almost positive he'd seen someone familiar out there just a moment ago. "You guys go on ahead, there's something I want to check. I'll meet you at the inn."
Without waiting for acknowledgement from any of the others he walked off, headed for the corner where he thought he'd last spotted the person he was looking for. The combination of his expression, glowing eyes, and the uniform he wore caused a path to open before him, and made getting through the crowd easier than it probably should have been. Unfortunately it also drew attention to him, which meant if his quarry was being wary it would be hard to catch the man by surprise.
It was also going to make it ridiculously easy for Shinra to track AVALANCHE, he realized with a grimace. All the Turks had to do was ask if anyone had seen a blond SOLDIER travelling with two pretty girls, a black man with a gun for a hand, and a red wolf. They didn't exactly blend into a crowd, that was for sure.
Pausing at the corner, he glanced around again and scanned for the person he thought he'd caught a glimpse of earlier. To his surprise he found the man easily, leaning against the wall of an alley nearby and looking out over the crowd. The man wore the uniform of a SOLDIER 1st Class, and his dark hair was slicked back into distinctive spikes that made him stand out much the same way Cloud did. He looked vaguely familiar, but Cloud couldn't place a name with the face. 1st Class weren't exactly thick on the ground, but there were enough of them that Cloud hadn't worked with all of them when he'd been a SOLDIER. He'd probably just seen the guy around the compound.
Since the man wasn't making any effort to hide, Cloud decided a straightforward confrontation would be best. "Why are you following us?" he growled as he approached the stranger.
Turning his head, the man blinked at Cloud as if he was shocked that he'd been noticed. His indigo eyes glowed with a faint haze of violet, the sure indication of a true SOLDIER. He was young, not more than a few years older than Cloud himself, and Cloud made a mental note not to let his guard down for any reason. The man had to be damn good to have made it to 1st Class so young.
The surprised expression lasted only for a moment, then morphed into a cheeky grin. "What makes you so sure I'm following you?" the brunet asked, tilting his head. Cloud scowled back at him.
"Because I saw you in Kalm when we were there, and then again later in Junon, and now here," Cloud countered. He folded his arms across his chest and glared at the SOLDIER. "If you were trying not to be noticed, you're doing a crappy job of it. You'd blend in better without the uniform, for one thing."
The brunet looked rueful. "It's the only thing I have to wear," he explained with a shrug. "Believe me, I'd rather be out of it, but I haven't really got a choice. Besides, after practically living in it for so many years, it's the only thing that feels comfortable. You should understand that," he added, nodding at Cloud's own clothes.
Well, Cloud couldn't really argue that point. He'd left Shinra behind him and couldn't be happier to be free of the company, but it was true that the only thing he really felt comfortable wearing was his uniform. He'd made a few changes to it, but anyone who knew what they were looking for would still recognize it for what it was. "You didn't answer me," he replied instead, stubbornly refusing to be distracted. "Why are you following us?"
"Ah, let me rephrase myself, then," the brunet chuckled. "What makes you so sure I'm following you? You're following someone, after all. Do you think you're the only people after him?"
"You're after Sephiroth?" Cloud relaxed marginally, though he didn't let his guard down. "Don't tell me Shinra actually thinks they can get him back? Or are you just trying to get rid of him before he can spoil the PR job you did in covering up what happened? Either way, if you think one lousy SOLDIER 1st can take him, you need to think again."
"Okay, first of all, I don't work for Shinra any more than you do," the other man said, making a face. "I've got no more reason to love them than you. Maybe less. Like I said, I wear the uniform because it's all I've got. Second of all, what makes you think you can take Sephiroth? One ex-SOLDIER, a couple of eco-terrorists, a flower girl and an escaped lab experiment?"
Shoulders stiff, Cloud resumed his glare at the older man. "We'll handle him," he snapped. The truth was that he had absolutely no idea what they were going to do when they found the bastard, he just knew they had to do something to stop him. "You just stay the hell out of our way, whoever you are."
"I won't interfere," the man promised. "I'll even do my best to help, if I can."
"We don't need your help," Cloud told him, turning away. "Just get lost, and don't let me catch you following us again."
"That's one promise I can't make," he heard the man murmur behind him, sounding genuinely regretful. "Sorry, kid."
Irritated at being called a kid by someone hardly older than he was, Cloud spun on his heel, ready to snap at the arrogant bastard. Instead he found himself looking at a blank wall, with no sign of the brunet. Astonished that anyone could move that quickly and silently, even a SOLDIER, he searched up and down the alley for some indication of where the man had gone, but found nothing.
Puzzled, he finally gave it up for a bad cause. Hopefully wherever the man had gone, that would be the last Cloud saw of him.
Cosmo Canyon wasn't exactly a great place to find entertainment, Cloud was discovering. Everyone had split up while they waited for the buggy to be repaired and Red XIII - whose name was apparently Nanaki, and why hadn't he just told them that in the first place? - was reunited with his friends and family. Cloud had wandered around for a while, poking his head in here and there as he explored, but he'd finally decided to go hang out in the bar until the others were ready.
As soon as he walked in, his eyes were drawn to the table in the corner of the back, a little shaded alcove that was only partially visible from the door. Seated in a chair with his back to the wall was none other than the same dark-haired ex-SOLDIER he'd talked to in Costa del Sol.
Frowning, Cloud stalked over and stood looming over the man, his hands on his hips. "All right, now I know you're following us," he said, struggling to keep his voice down so the whole bar wouldn't be drawn into the confrontation. "Sephiroth's not here. The only reason we are is that our buggy broke down. How did you even get in? We were nearly turned away because it's full."
"I've got my ways," the man replied with a grin that fell just short of being a smirk. "Maybe I'm following you now because I'm hoping you'll lead me to Sephiroth, ever think of that?"
"And you answer every damn question I ask you with an evasion or another question, or both," Cloud growled, his glare intensifying. "Who are you?"
"You don't know who I am?" The brunet raised an eyebrow, and for a moment Cloud thought he actually looked hurt. "Well, that's not your fault, I guess. Mako can do weird shit to your head like that. You know me, Cloud. Somewhere, deep in your heart, you do still recognize me." He met Cloud's eyes, glowing indigo to shining blue, and no matter how hard he tried Cloud couldn't force himself to look away. "If you think about it long enough, you'll remember."
"Why can't you just tell me, instead?" Cloud demanded. "I'm getting really sick of this cat and mouse game that you're playing. I want answers, not more questions."
"Kid, if the world was that easy, they wouldn't need SOLDIERs in the first place," the brunet chuckled and leaned back in his seat.
"Don't call me kid," Cloud snapped automatically, irritated all over again at the unwanted nickname.
"But I've always called you that," the man replied. "And if you make me find another name for you, you know you're not going to like the results. It'll be something like Sunshine or Chocobo, with that hair of yours..."
"Shut up!" Furious, Cloud glared at the man and desperately resisted the urge to throw a punch. If he started a fight now, they'd probably find themselves kicked out of Cosmo Canyon whether the buggy was fixed or not. A bar fight between two SOLDIERs was no joke; they'd probably bring the whole place crashing down around them.
"All right, all right, I won't tease you," the man laughed, holding up both hands in a gesture of surrender. "Even if you are still just as cute as ever when you're flustered."
"I. Am. Not. Cute," Cloud grated out from between clenched teeth, his hand twitching in a fist at his side. Once again the bastard just laughed at him, his eyes flashing with amusement as much as with mako.
"Cloud?" Tifa called him from the doorway, and he glanced over his shoulder to see her looking at him across the room. She had an odd expression on her face, as if she wasn't quite certain what to say to him. She'd been acting strangely since Kalm, on and off, and she kept starting to ask him something and then changing the subject. It was beginning to drive him nuts, to tell the truth, and he hoped that expression didn't mean she was going to start again.
"Yeah?" he replied, wondering if she would actually spit it out this time. "What is it, Tifa? I'm kind of busy."
"Who are you talking to?" she asked, walking towards him with that odd look still on her face.
"What do you mean, who am I talking to?" he said, frowning. "The SOLDIER right..."
Turning back, he trailed off and stared when he found the seat empty. Once again the brunet had vanished without a trace. "What the... where did he go?" Cloud exclaimed, looking all around the bar in confusion. There were only two exits, the door to the outside and a staircase that led to the second floor, both of which he had clearly been able to see when he'd been looking at Tifa. There was nowhere the former SOLDIER could have gone, and yet he was nowhere to be found.
"Who?" Tifa asked again, stopping next to him and looking around. "I came in and saw you talking to yourself, there wasn't anybody there."
"No, you just couldn't see him from the door," Cloud insisted, shaking his head. "He's been following us since Kalm, maybe since Midgar. I confronted him once in Costa del Sol, but this is the second time he's given me the slip. Next time I'm tying him down before I start asking questions."
"If you say so," Tifa replied, but she sounded uncertain. "Maybe you were... never mind. Let's see if we can go find Red XIII, shall we?"
Frustrated both by Tifa's behaviour and the way the man kept vanishing on him, Cloud ran a hand through his hair and wondered if the rest of the world was going crazy, or if it was just him. "Yeah, sounds like a plan," he agreed. And maybe he would spot the brunet again before they left Cosmo Canyon. If not, he was fairly certain this wouldn't be their last encounter.
And next time, he really was going to tie the elusive bastard down first.
Despite the exhausting events of the night so far - Cloud hesitated to call it a 'date', though that was certainly what it had felt like - he found himself completely unable to sleep. So much had happened that he felt like his head might burst with everything he learned. And ever since they'd returned to Nibelheim and seen that basement lab, he hadn't been able to close his eyes without having the strangest nightmares of green mako and glass walls surrounding him. It didn't exactly make for a restful combination.
Giving up, he pushed himself out of bed again and dressed quickly in the dark. It wasn't hard to let himself out of the room without alerting any of the others; everyone else was in their own rooms, sleeping or brooding, and he was good at moving silently when he wanted to. This late at night even Gold Saucer was relatively quiet, so he didn't run into anyone on his way down the stairs.
Once outside, he glanced around for somewhere he'd be able to go and think without being disturbed. As a child he'd always gone to climb the highest of the mountain paths when he'd wanted to be alone, and the instinct to head for the high ground when he was upset was still strong within him. After a moment of thought he decided the roof of the inn would do well enough.
Walking around the building, he found a side that didn't have too many windows and started to climb. A normal person, or even a SOLDIER with no climbing experience, would have had a lot of trouble getting up to the top, so he was reasonably certain he would be left alone there.
Once up, he found a place where the gable of a window met the roof so he could sit without having to worry about sliding off. Settling himself in, he stared out at the artificial sky with its creepy moon and let his thoughts wander. Why did he keep dreaming about tanks full of mako? Could it be... was it possible that some part of the years he was missing between the destruction of Nibelheim and his reappearance in Midgar had involved time spent in a lab?
It was possible. More than possible, it would make a great deal of sense. The gaps in his memory, the way he kept blanking out and hearing voices, the occasional sensation that he was stronger and faster than he expected to be even as a former 1st Class... all of it could be explained if he'd been exposed to a high concentration of mako.
But how had he gotten out and back to Midgar? Why couldn't he remember any of the details? And why did Tifa continue to give him the strangest looks whenever he mentioned the events at Nibelheim all those years ago?
"Arrgh," he exclaimed, digging his fingers into his hair and tugging at it sharply, using the minor pain to try to anchor himself in the present. "None of it makes any sense!"
"Sadly, life rarely does," a now familiar voice commiserated from above him. Only Cloud's natural sense of balance and the enhanced reflexes of a SOLDIER saved him from a nasty tumble off the roof when he jumped in surprise. Looking up, he found the brunet standing on the roof beside him, looking down at him with a sympathetic smile. "Hey, kid."
"Stop calling me that," Cloud replied in what was quickly becoming a reflex, though it lacked heat this time. How on earth had the man gotten up here without Cloud hearing him? He hadn't been that lost in his thoughts, had he? "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Is that any way to greet an old friend?" the man asked in a mock-wounded tone. "Still haven't remembered me, huh? I guess I'm not surprised. You always were too damn stubborn for your own good."
Dropping down to the slanted roof beside Cloud's gable, the SOLDIER stretched his legs out and leaned back on his hands, looking up at the dark sky. "Dunno why they didn't just make the dome clear so you could see the real sky," the brunet mused. "I guess they wouldn't be able to guarantee the right weather to set the creepy atmosphere this part of the saucer is supposed to have. Still, it'd be nice to have some stars to look at. I missed the sky."
"You're still not going to tell me how I supposedly know you, are you?" Cloud grumbled, resigning himself to the idea. Whoever this guy was, he was irritating as all hell, but true to his words from their first encounter he hadn't yet done anything to obstruct Cloud or his friends. As long as he stayed annoying but harmless, Cloud could live with him following them around.
"Nope!" the brunet agreed, utterly unrepentant. "It won't mean anything to you until you remember for yourself, anyway. But I promise not to hold it against you in the meantime."
"Will you at least tell me your damn name, so I have something to think of you by other than 'that damn SOLDIER'?" Cloud asked, sighing. The brunet laughed.
"Yeah, okay," he gave in, somewhat to Cloud's surprise. "Maybe it'll jog your memory, anyway. I'm Zack."
"Zack?" Startled, Cloud sat up straighter and stared at him. "You're that SOLDIER Aerith asked me about! The one she used to date, that disappeared on her."
"She asked you about me?" Zack looked surprised, then pleased. "I didn't know that. I'm surprised she was still thinking about me after all that time. When you stand a girl up for nearly five years, you've gotta figure she'll have moved on."
"Gods alone know why, but she seems to actually care about you," Cloud muttered, looking away. "You ought to say something to her."
"What makes you think I haven't? She hasn't asked you about me lately, has she?" Zack countered, and Cloud realized that was true.
"Look, what do you want?" he asked, changing tactics. "You say you're after Sephiroth; what do you plan to do when you catch up to him, anyway?"
"I've got a score to settle with him," Zack answered, looking serious for once. "Nearly as much of one as you do. But mostly, I just want to help you. I'm your friend, Cloud, whether you remember me that way or not."
"If you want to help us, why don't you just join us instead of trailing us around like a ghost?" Cloud retorted. For some reason, that made the brunet flinch.
"I would if I could, believe me," Zack replied softly. His eyes were distant as he looked out at the 'sky', his expression oddly sorrowful. "I'd like nothing more than to be right there by your side, fighting with you and your friends. But it can't be that way."
Not sure what to say to that, Cloud let the silence stretch out between them. It should have been awkward, but instead it felt... companionable, like they'd sat this way together many times before and didn't feel the need to fill the quiet with chatter just for the sake of noise.
But how could that be? Was it true, what the man claimed about the two of them being friends and Cloud not remembering? Why did even thinking about it give him a terrible headache?
"Hey, don't stress about it so much," Zack said, his voice soft and soothing as Cloud grimaced and rubbed at his temples. "I told you, mako can fuck with your head like that. You were exposed to more of it than most people would be able to survive, let alone come out of sane. It's a miracle you've got as much left as you do."
"What do you know about it?" Cloud asked, the pain and his confusion making him sound more irritable than he'd actually meant to. "How would you know what I..."
For some reason when he looked up again, he saw a haze of green hanging in the air between him and the other man. Green, and glass, and people coming and going all around them, checking and measuring and poking and prodding and...
"You were there," he blurted out, astonished. "You were there, in..."
"In the labs, in the tanks, yeah," Zack agreed, meeting his eyes again. "With a whole lot of other people from Nibelheim, but you and I were the only ones strong enough to resist. To hold onto ourselves. Hojo couldn't corrupt us, couldn't make clones of us."
"Clones?" Cloud shuddered, the word evoking a sense of horror in him. "Those people, in the black capes... the ones that were wandering around in Nibelheim..."
"Yeah." Zack nodded, his eyes dark. "You do remember some of it, then. That could have been us, with a little less luck and a bit less strength of will. So believe me when I say, Cloud, that I know what you're going through and I'm behind you all the way. No matter what."
"No matter what..." For some reason those words, with that fierce tone and in that voice, resonated deep inside him. He shuddered again and bent over, clutching at his head as static filled his ears and a bright white light threatened to envelope him.
Zack reached out and rested a strong hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. The contact felt odd, as if there was some force between them resisting them and keeping them from actually touching directly, but it still made Cloud feel a little better. "Hang in there, kid," the older man said, softly but firmly. "You can do it. I believe in you."
"Zack..." Cloud choked out, and then the white turned to black and he lost track of reality for a minute or an hour. When he came back to himself, he was sprawled out against the roof, securely wedged between it and the gable so he wouldn't fall. He blinked and looked around, but as he had expected there was no sign of the brunet. "Why does he keep doing that?" he muttered, rubbing his eyes.
Whatever the reason, even though he still couldn't remember more than vague flashes of Zack's face through the haze of mako, Cloud found he was grateful he'd had a chance to talk to the older man again. He still had absolutely no idea what was going on in Zack's head, but he was at least relatively certain the brunet really was on his side.
Now, if only he could remember the rest of what had happened to him back then... and if only it didn't give him such a blinding headache to think about it.
Staring at the door after Tifa and Barret closed it behind them, Cloud tried to restrain the urge to laugh hysterically. If he started, he didn't think he was going to be able to stop. What was happening to him? How could he have just... handed over the black materia to Sephiroth like that!
It was just like he'd told the others, he was afraid that if he continued on, he was going to go crazy. Worse, he was terrified that the next time Sephiroth controlled him, it wouldn't be for something as innocuous as making him hand over an object. What if Sephiroth had ordered him to hurt Aerith or Tifa instead of telling him to give over the materia? Could he have resisted the former any more than he'd been able to resist the latter?
He couldn't go on. That was all there was to it. No matter what arguments Tifa and Barret had to the contrary, he just couldn't go on. He was a risk to the mission, to everyone. He was dangerous, far too powerful for any of the others to be able to stop him. He was unstable, likely to go off his rocker with no warning whatsoever. Hades, maybe he was already crazy and just hadn't realized it yet. He was...
He was afraid. Terrified. That was what it all boiled down to. "I'm afraid to find out the truth," he murmured to himself, burying his face in his hands. "But... why?" What was it that his subconscious knew was out there for him to discover, that he was so desperately afraid of?
"Because the truth hurts, kid," Zack told him, and a heavy weight settled onto the bed beside him. Cloud wasn't even surprised this time, having come to almost expect to see the brunet at the most random of moments. The other man slung his arm over Cloud's shoulder, and pulled the blond close to him. "It hurts like a bitch, and it's scary as hell. But sooner or later you have to have the strength to face it, or it'll eat you alive. You won't like it, but it won't kill you, either. Hiding from it, on the other hand, just might."
"I can't do it," Cloud told him, clutching at the other man's shirt like a lifeline. "Zack, I can't do it. I have to stop. I can't go on."
"You have to." There was no reprimand in Zack's tone, no sense of reproach. Nor was there any real overtone of encouragement, as such. It was just a flat statement. Surprised, Cloud looked up into the other man's eyes, and found Zack looking back down at him with a perfectly serious expression. "You have to, Cloud. You're the only one who can. Sephiroth has to be stopped, and it's up to you. But you're not alone, kid. You've got your friends. You've got Aerith. And, for the little that it's worth, you've got me."
"It's worth a lot," Cloud told him, and he didn't realize just how much he meant the words until he said them. "I don't understand why you're doing things this way, or even really just who you are, exactly... but somehow, I know it's important to me to have your support."
Zack smiled at him, obviously touched. "That's the spirit, kid," he said. "Just hang in there, and when the time comes, face the truth with your head up and shoulders back. You have the strength to fight Sephiroth, or you'd be just one more clone heading for the Reunion. You just have to believe in yourself."
A strong hand came up to ruffle Cloud's hair, and he made a face and swatted at Zack in what felt like an automatic gesture. "There, see?" Zack laughed. "You're starting to get back the basics. Your subconscious mind remembers, even if you don't. The truth can hurt, but it can also protect you. If you know the truth, then nobody can fool you."
"I'm just... so afraid that he'll make me hurt someone," Cloud admitted, burying his face in his hands. The mattress beside him shifted as Zack stood, but the hand in his hair remained, almost a caress.
"Trust in yourself, and in your friends," Zack ordered him. "And just believe."
The hand in his hair disappeared, but Cloud didn't look up. He was still struggling to get himself back under control, knowing he was going to have to go out there and face the others, and not having any idea of what he was going to say to them.
He wasn't even surprised when he finally opened his eyes to find he was alone in the room. Zack's vanishing act was becoming almost as normal as the way he could appear out of nowhere. Something about that thought tugged at Cloud, made things he didn't want to think about shift in his mind, but he shoved them away.
Standing, he made his way to the door, and found Tifa and Barret right outside. Ignoring the way Barret immediately started ranting at him again, Cloud looked at Tifa and wondered if whatever it was she kept not saying to him had anything to do with the truth Zack had said he needed to face.
"...I'll go upside your spiky white head and bring you back to normal!" Barret declared, finishing his lecture, and Cloud blinked at him. Maybe he should have been paying just a little more attention.
"Cloud, it'll be all right," Tifa assured him, touching his arm. "We're all with you."
"But..." Despite Zack's encouragement, Cloud found he was still incredibly reluctant to agree to go on with the rest of the group. What if Zack was wrong?
What if Zack was just part of the way Sephiroth was influencing him?
"If it happens, it happens," Barret said, his tone dismissive. "Don't worry about it."
"You're... right," Cloud acknowledged. "He's right, isn't he?" he added to Tifa, and she nodded.
"Come on, let's go and find Aerith," she suggested, and caught his hand to lead him off to where the others were waiting. He followed her, hoping like hell that he was doing the right thing and wasn't playing right into Sephiroth's hands.
As they walked, he looked at her and wondered what she would say if he asked her where Zack had gone after the older man had left the room. There had only been one door, and Tifa and Barret had been right outside it; Zack would have had to pass right by them.
In the end he said nothing, more afraid of the answer than he wanted to admit.
Staring down into the depths of the water, Cloud wondered if it was only his imagination that he could still see glimpses of Aerith's body as she sank to the bottom. Probably. He'd deliberately chosen this shelf because it let him stand and drop her at a place where she would fall deep enough that she wouldn't be washed up again.
It felt right to lay her to rest in the water. Maybe burying her would have been more in the spirit of 'returning her to the Planet', but this would work too. He didn't think he could have faced the labour of first digging and then filling her grave without breaking down. This was simpler.
Behind him he was vaguely aware of the others drifting away one by one, until only Tifa was left on the shore. "Cloud," she called after they'd stood there for several minutes and he still hadn't moved. "Cloud, we're going back to the house to rest. You'll meet us there... right? Promise?"
In her voice he heard the worry that he might be thinking about doing something drastic, and he couldn't blame her. "I'll be there," he assured her listlessly, but his heart wasn't in the words. "You go on ahead. I just... need a few minutes." She shifted, obviously uneasy at the idea of leaving him alone, but finally headed after the others.
For one terrible moment, Cloud allowed himself to actually contemplate the idea. With his armour and sword on, he wouldn't have a hope in hell of being able to keep his head above water if he stepped off the edge of this underwater cliff. He could follow her down, lay at rest beside her...
"No," he said out loud, shaking his head and forcing the thoughts away. "I can't." He'd hurt everyone enough by giving Sephiroth the black materia, by being nothing more than the puppet Jenova had called him. He had no right to hurt them more, and he knew Tifa at least would be devastated if he killed himself.
"Good," Zack called back to him from the shore, as Cloud had half expected him to. "Because if you did, I'd have to try to swim out there and save your skinny ass. I'm a good swimmer, but I don't know if I could handle both of us and all our armour and weapons to boot. So get back up here before you slip off and drown by accident, will you?"
Turning, Cloud saw the dark-haired man standing just at the water's edge, arms crossed over his chest as he looked out at Cloud. "It's a pretty place," Zack commented as Cloud waded back towards the shore. "She'd like it. You chose well."
For some reason, the simple words of praise set off a chain reaction in Cloud that led to an explosion of all the emotions he'd been holding back since she'd died. "I shouldn't have had to choose at all!" he burst out, splashing his fists into the water in a futile effort to take out some of his rage. "This is all my fault! I couldn't fight him, I didn't..."
Tears started to drip from his face, but he couldn't bring himself to be embarrassed. He fell to his knees in the shallow water and buried his face in his hands, his shoulders heaving with sobs. "I nearly killed her, Zack," he choked out. "I nearly... I had my sword out, I was ready to run her through. I could barely hold myself back..."
"You did, though." Cloud hadn't heard the water splash, but suddenly Zack was right there beside him, kneeling with him in the water with both hands on Cloud's shoulders to brace him. "You weren't the one that killed her, Cloud. He tried to make you, to use that to torture you with, and he failed. I told you that you were stronger than him."
"Not strong enough," Cloud insisted. "Not strong enough to protect her. I just stood there and watched, I couldn't do a damn thing!"
"Yeah, I know exactly how that feels," Zack said, and the bitterness in his voice made Cloud look up at him. Reflected in the brunet's dark eyes Cloud saw the same helpless frustration that he himself was feeling, and he knew that Zack truly did understand.
Then he surprised Cloud by pulling the younger man into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around Cloud's shoulders and tugging him close until Cloud's head rested on Zack's shoulder. "Go ahead," Zack urged him softly. "Let it out. This may be your only chance. I understand what you're going through, and you can't hurt me."
Despite himself, Cloud nearly lost it right then and there. He struggled against the tangle of emotions that threatened to burst out of him at any moment, afraid they would tear him apart in the process. Sephiroth had said that he shouldn't act as if he felt sad or angry, that he couldn't feel those things because he was only a puppet. But he did feel them, felt them so utterly and completely that they were almost the only things he was aware of.
Almost. Because he could feel Zack's strong arms around him, both strange and comforting at the same time. The older man was shaking against him, and Cloud was startled to realize Zack was crying, his body wracked with sobs that came out as tiny choked breaths and a high keening noise.
Knowing that Zack was hurting too and wasn't afraid to show it broke the last flimsy barrier Cloud had against his feelings, and he found himself screaming all his rage and pain out into Zack's shoulder. He shouted and cursed, he pounded his fists against Zack with blows hard enough to have broken bones in a non-SOLDIER, and through it all the tears streamed down over his face to mingle with the water he'd laid her to rest in.
It hurt. Oh, gods, it hurt. Yet it was cathartic, too, allowing him to finally let go of some of the emotions that had been eating away at him from the very beginning. Everything Cloud had been holding back, all the fear and anger and doubt and pain, came pouring out in a flood so violent he wondered if there would be anything left of him afterwards. Zack held him the whole time, taking the abuse without any sign of protest, his own grieving quieter than Cloud's but no less intense.
At last the violence of his emotions started to abate, leaving him sobbing brokenly into Zack's shoulder. "What do I do now?" Cloud asked helplessly, his voice thick with the tears he'd shed and the screaming he'd done. "Zack... he could make me do anything. It could be Tifa next, and I wouldn't be able to do a damn thing to stop him. Aerith was our best hope, and now she's gone. I can't go on like this..."
"Stop that!" Zack shook him by the shoulders, pushing him away just far enough for them to be able to look at each other. His expression was angry, but the anger was tempered by sorrow and grief and a deep understanding. "Just stop talking like that, Cloud. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, he's got a damn strong hold on you. So what? I'll tell you exactly what you do now. You keep going. Aerith will have sacrificed herself for nothing if you quit now. Don't you dare let her have died in vain, damn it."
"But..." Cloud protested, not certain exactly what argument he could offer against that.
"But nothing," Zack cut him off before he had a chance to find something else to say. "For the love of Shiva, Cloud, stop trying to give up! You have more stubborn willpower than anyone else I've ever met, but you keep refusing to use it! Listen to me. You, a completely unenhanced sixteen-year-old boy, managed to defeat the most powerful SOLDIER ever born. Something I couldn't accomplish, I might add. Do you really believe there's nothing you can do against him now?"
"Unenhanced," Cloud repeated, frowning. "But... but that's not right, I was a SOLDIER..."
"Never mind the details," Zack chopped his hand down in a sweeping motion, shaking his head. "You beat him back then, that's the important thing. You did it then, all by yourself. You can do it now, with the help of your friends. There's still a chance you can catch Sephiroth and stop him before he uses the black materia - if you can do that, then Aerith's death won't have been for nothing."
"I did beat him then," Cloud acknowledged, wincing as a fuzzy memory made itself known and he remembered the horrible sensation of the masamune thrust straight through his chest. He'd pulled himself right up the blade to get at Sephiroth, his outrage and sense of betrayal driving him harder than any amount of pain would have been able to offset.
"Then you can do it again," Zack insisted. "Cloud, you can do this. You have to do this. You're the only one who can."
"What if I try, and fail?" Cloud whispered, trembling.
"If you don't try, you're guaranteed to fail," Zack countered. "What have you got to lose?"
"Everything," Cloud replied, his heart echoing in that one simple word. He could lose everything if Sephiroth won. Tifa, the others, the entire world... 'everything' only barely encompassed it.
"Then don't fail," Zack advised him. "And that means you have to try."
Looking up at him, Cloud saw the older man's conviction in his eyes, and nodded slowly. "I... won't let her down," he promised hoarsely.
"I know you won't," Zack said. "Now, come on, the others are worried about you. Tifa's probably fretting herself half to death in there."
With an effort Cloud hauled himself to his feet. He felt shaky and weak, as if he'd gone through a dozen rounds in the Battle Arena instead of dealing with an emotional outburst. And yet he felt oddly strong inside, with a new resolve unlike anything he'd felt before. No matter what Sephiroth threw at him, he promised himself silently, he would stand strong and ignore it. One way or another, he would stop the bastard.
When he opened the door to the house where the others had gathered to wait, all eyes were immediately on him. Cloud knew that if he turned to look, Zack would be gone again... yet he almost felt as if the other man was still right there with him. If he closed his eyes, he imagined he could feel the brunet's strong hand squeezing his shoulder in reassurance.
Taking a deep breath, Cloud squared himself and opened his eyes again, letting the others see his new determination in his expression. "Everyone, listen to me..."
The sea breeze was gentle, just cool enough as it came in off the ocean to offset the heavy Mideel summer heat. Cloud stood at the edge of the new crater, staring down into the shimmering glow of liquid mako that now bubbled right at the surface. Hours earlier, a thriving town had been on that spot. Then the WEAPON had come, and everything had been destroyed.
Everything... except for him. Somehow, in the midst of all that destruction, Cloud had finally found the truth about himself. Tifa had helped to guide him, and the Lifestream had made it all possible, but in the end it had been his choice to face reality instead of remaining in the safety of his illusion.
So now he knew. He knew what Zack had been trying to push him towards, what Sephiroth had been trying to taunt him with, what Tifa had been trying to ask him. He knew... and Zack had been right, the truth hurt like a bitch, but continuing to ignore it might have killed him and everyone else on the planet.
There was just one thing he still didn't understand. "Zack," he called, the word echoing from the empty space over the crater. He'd ordered the others to stay behind in the Highwind, saying that this was something he needed to face on his own before they continued on their mission to find a way to stop Meteor. "Zack!" he shouted, when the first call didn't get a response.
"I'm right here, kid," the familiar voice spoke from behind him. "You don't need to yell."
Turning, Cloud saw the older man standing there, just barely out of arm's reach. Zack looked... older, more weary than Cloud was used to seeing him. The Zack from his memories had been more carefree and full of energy. But that had been Zack as he was before Nibelheim, before both of their lives had been turned upside down and destroyed.
Before Zack had died on that cliff, after dragging Cloud's unresponsive body halfway around the world in an attempt to save him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Cloud demanded. Zack gave him a lopsided smile in response.
"Cloud, get serious," the brunet replied. "Would you have believed me if I'd tried?"
Would Cloud have believed him if Zack had tried to explain that he was dead, and Cloud wasn't really a SOLDIER? "No, probably not," Cloud was forced to acknowledge. "What are you, anyway? A ghost?"
Shrugging, Zack moved up beside him and stared down into the Lifestream. "That's as good a word as any, I guess. I don't really know what I am. I think... I think that my connection to you, and to Sephiroth, is too strong for me to be able to be at rest in the Lifestream."
"Because of what Hojo did to us," Cloud finished for him, and Zack nodded.
"Yeah. That's my guess, anyway. That's why you can see me, but nobody else can. I really wish I could have been here for you, kid. I failed you, out there on that cliff."
"Are you kidding me?" Cloud gave him an incredulous look. "You saved my life, hauled me all across the world and got me close enough to Midgar that I was able to get the rest of the way under my own power. You've stayed with me, encouraged me, shaken sense into me when I needed it... and you were there to hold me when Aerith died. In what way have you failed me?"
That earned him another lopsided grin. "Well, when you put it that way," Zack chuckled softly. "Still. I wish I could help you face him in the end."
"You have," Cloud assured him. "Without you, I'd have given up a long time ago and he'd have won already. But what about you? Won't you ever be able to rest?"
This time Zack's smile was a little more genuine. "I think once Sephiroth is gone for real, I'll be less affected by the pull he's exerting on all of Hojo's clones," he said. "I know Aerith is waiting for me, in the Lifestream. I've felt her presence a few times since she died. We'll keep a place for you, too."
The thought made Cloud's heart clench, and his throat threatened to close up on him. "I'll hold you to that," he told Zack sternly. "But first, I have to win."
"You will," Zack said. "There was never a doubt in my mind."
"Zack..." Cloud trailed off, not sure what to say next. This felt very much like a final goodbye, and he wondered if he would ever see the older man again. Now that he'd faced the truth and stopped clinging to the pieces of his friend that he'd borrowed, was there any reason for him to?
Before he quite knew what was happening, Zack had caught him in a headlock and was ruffling his hair vigorously. "Just remember, even if you can't see me, I'm always right there at your back," he ordered Cloud. "Stay strong, kid. You might not have ever officially held the rank of SOLDIER, but I'd pick you for a partner any day. Believe in yourself."
"I will," Cloud promised him. "I won't let you - either of you - down." Zack finally let him go, and Cloud caught the older man by the shoulders. They stood there looking into each other's eyes for a long moment, then finally Zack nodded.
"I'd wish you good luck, but you won't need it," the brunet said as they released each other.
"I'll take it anyway," Cloud replied. Taking a deep breath, he turned away from the mako pool and walked back towards the place where the ladder to the Highwind was anchored. He knew if he looked back Zack would be gone - but as long as he didn't look, he could convince himself that his friend was still right there behind him. Resolutely, Cloud promised himself he would never look back again, so that he could always have Zack there with him.
The truth was painful... but it had also given him back one of the most important people in his life, his best friend. As long as Cloud remembered Zack, the former SOLDIER wouldn't truly be gone. And as long as Cloud continued living up to his memory of the older man, nothing would be able to stand in his way. Not even Sephiroth.
Zack had died on that cliff, sacrificing himself so that Cloud could live. Aerith had willingly given her life to save the Planet. Both of them were counting on Cloud to finish it for them. He had some big shoes to fill... but he would live up to them if it killed him.
Some small sections of dialogue were taken straight from 'OKvoicetalent's' game script on gamefaqs.com.
Title: Facing the Truth
Series: Final Fantasy VII
Pairing: Gen, though Zack/Aerith is briefly mentioned and you can see Zack/Cloud, Cloud/Tifa and Cloud/Aerith if you squint hard enough.
Word Count: 8024
Rating: uh, PG-13, maybe?
Warnings: MAJOR, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR LARGE CHUNKS OF THE GAME PLOT. I don't usually bother warning for spoilers, because if you're reading fic for something you haven't seen the canon of you really just have to expect that you're going to be randomly spoiled. But we're talking huge spoilers for really important plot points in the game, so for once I'm giving the warning. Also angst, which you should be expecting if you've played the game anyway.
When your entire life is built on a lie, there's nothing quite as terrifying as confronting the truth.
"...hopefully be able to find an inn with enough beds for us, and rest up for the night. Sound good? Cloud? Cloud!"
Jarred from his thoughts by the sound of Tifa insistently calling his name, Cloud blinked and looked back at the rest of his companions. Tifa had her hands on her hips and was glaring at him, while Barret and Aerith covered amusement. It was hard to judge Red XIII's expression, but Cloud thought he might be hiding laughter too. "What?" he asked, disconcerted by suddenly finding himself at the centre of attention.
"Oh, for..." Tifa huffed at him and threw her hands in the air. "I said, we're going to check the inns and hopefully find one with enough room for all of us, and get some rest before we head out tomorrow morning. Any objections?"
"No. No, that's fine," Cloud assured her absently, turning his attention back to the crowded street with a frown. Even though it was technically the 'off' season, Costa del Sol was filled with people, and it was hard to pick any one face out of the mass. Yet he was almost positive he'd seen someone familiar out there just a moment ago. "You guys go on ahead, there's something I want to check. I'll meet you at the inn."
Without waiting for acknowledgement from any of the others he walked off, headed for the corner where he thought he'd last spotted the person he was looking for. The combination of his expression, glowing eyes, and the uniform he wore caused a path to open before him, and made getting through the crowd easier than it probably should have been. Unfortunately it also drew attention to him, which meant if his quarry was being wary it would be hard to catch the man by surprise.
It was also going to make it ridiculously easy for Shinra to track AVALANCHE, he realized with a grimace. All the Turks had to do was ask if anyone had seen a blond SOLDIER travelling with two pretty girls, a black man with a gun for a hand, and a red wolf. They didn't exactly blend into a crowd, that was for sure.
Pausing at the corner, he glanced around again and scanned for the person he thought he'd caught a glimpse of earlier. To his surprise he found the man easily, leaning against the wall of an alley nearby and looking out over the crowd. The man wore the uniform of a SOLDIER 1st Class, and his dark hair was slicked back into distinctive spikes that made him stand out much the same way Cloud did. He looked vaguely familiar, but Cloud couldn't place a name with the face. 1st Class weren't exactly thick on the ground, but there were enough of them that Cloud hadn't worked with all of them when he'd been a SOLDIER. He'd probably just seen the guy around the compound.
Since the man wasn't making any effort to hide, Cloud decided a straightforward confrontation would be best. "Why are you following us?" he growled as he approached the stranger.
Turning his head, the man blinked at Cloud as if he was shocked that he'd been noticed. His indigo eyes glowed with a faint haze of violet, the sure indication of a true SOLDIER. He was young, not more than a few years older than Cloud himself, and Cloud made a mental note not to let his guard down for any reason. The man had to be damn good to have made it to 1st Class so young.
The surprised expression lasted only for a moment, then morphed into a cheeky grin. "What makes you so sure I'm following you?" the brunet asked, tilting his head. Cloud scowled back at him.
"Because I saw you in Kalm when we were there, and then again later in Junon, and now here," Cloud countered. He folded his arms across his chest and glared at the SOLDIER. "If you were trying not to be noticed, you're doing a crappy job of it. You'd blend in better without the uniform, for one thing."
The brunet looked rueful. "It's the only thing I have to wear," he explained with a shrug. "Believe me, I'd rather be out of it, but I haven't really got a choice. Besides, after practically living in it for so many years, it's the only thing that feels comfortable. You should understand that," he added, nodding at Cloud's own clothes.
Well, Cloud couldn't really argue that point. He'd left Shinra behind him and couldn't be happier to be free of the company, but it was true that the only thing he really felt comfortable wearing was his uniform. He'd made a few changes to it, but anyone who knew what they were looking for would still recognize it for what it was. "You didn't answer me," he replied instead, stubbornly refusing to be distracted. "Why are you following us?"
"Ah, let me rephrase myself, then," the brunet chuckled. "What makes you so sure I'm following you? You're following someone, after all. Do you think you're the only people after him?"
"You're after Sephiroth?" Cloud relaxed marginally, though he didn't let his guard down. "Don't tell me Shinra actually thinks they can get him back? Or are you just trying to get rid of him before he can spoil the PR job you did in covering up what happened? Either way, if you think one lousy SOLDIER 1st can take him, you need to think again."
"Okay, first of all, I don't work for Shinra any more than you do," the other man said, making a face. "I've got no more reason to love them than you. Maybe less. Like I said, I wear the uniform because it's all I've got. Second of all, what makes you think you can take Sephiroth? One ex-SOLDIER, a couple of eco-terrorists, a flower girl and an escaped lab experiment?"
Shoulders stiff, Cloud resumed his glare at the older man. "We'll handle him," he snapped. The truth was that he had absolutely no idea what they were going to do when they found the bastard, he just knew they had to do something to stop him. "You just stay the hell out of our way, whoever you are."
"I won't interfere," the man promised. "I'll even do my best to help, if I can."
"We don't need your help," Cloud told him, turning away. "Just get lost, and don't let me catch you following us again."
"That's one promise I can't make," he heard the man murmur behind him, sounding genuinely regretful. "Sorry, kid."
Irritated at being called a kid by someone hardly older than he was, Cloud spun on his heel, ready to snap at the arrogant bastard. Instead he found himself looking at a blank wall, with no sign of the brunet. Astonished that anyone could move that quickly and silently, even a SOLDIER, he searched up and down the alley for some indication of where the man had gone, but found nothing.
Puzzled, he finally gave it up for a bad cause. Hopefully wherever the man had gone, that would be the last Cloud saw of him.
Cosmo Canyon wasn't exactly a great place to find entertainment, Cloud was discovering. Everyone had split up while they waited for the buggy to be repaired and Red XIII - whose name was apparently Nanaki, and why hadn't he just told them that in the first place? - was reunited with his friends and family. Cloud had wandered around for a while, poking his head in here and there as he explored, but he'd finally decided to go hang out in the bar until the others were ready.
As soon as he walked in, his eyes were drawn to the table in the corner of the back, a little shaded alcove that was only partially visible from the door. Seated in a chair with his back to the wall was none other than the same dark-haired ex-SOLDIER he'd talked to in Costa del Sol.
Frowning, Cloud stalked over and stood looming over the man, his hands on his hips. "All right, now I know you're following us," he said, struggling to keep his voice down so the whole bar wouldn't be drawn into the confrontation. "Sephiroth's not here. The only reason we are is that our buggy broke down. How did you even get in? We were nearly turned away because it's full."
"I've got my ways," the man replied with a grin that fell just short of being a smirk. "Maybe I'm following you now because I'm hoping you'll lead me to Sephiroth, ever think of that?"
"And you answer every damn question I ask you with an evasion or another question, or both," Cloud growled, his glare intensifying. "Who are you?"
"You don't know who I am?" The brunet raised an eyebrow, and for a moment Cloud thought he actually looked hurt. "Well, that's not your fault, I guess. Mako can do weird shit to your head like that. You know me, Cloud. Somewhere, deep in your heart, you do still recognize me." He met Cloud's eyes, glowing indigo to shining blue, and no matter how hard he tried Cloud couldn't force himself to look away. "If you think about it long enough, you'll remember."
"Why can't you just tell me, instead?" Cloud demanded. "I'm getting really sick of this cat and mouse game that you're playing. I want answers, not more questions."
"Kid, if the world was that easy, they wouldn't need SOLDIERs in the first place," the brunet chuckled and leaned back in his seat.
"Don't call me kid," Cloud snapped automatically, irritated all over again at the unwanted nickname.
"But I've always called you that," the man replied. "And if you make me find another name for you, you know you're not going to like the results. It'll be something like Sunshine or Chocobo, with that hair of yours..."
"Shut up!" Furious, Cloud glared at the man and desperately resisted the urge to throw a punch. If he started a fight now, they'd probably find themselves kicked out of Cosmo Canyon whether the buggy was fixed or not. A bar fight between two SOLDIERs was no joke; they'd probably bring the whole place crashing down around them.
"All right, all right, I won't tease you," the man laughed, holding up both hands in a gesture of surrender. "Even if you are still just as cute as ever when you're flustered."
"I. Am. Not. Cute," Cloud grated out from between clenched teeth, his hand twitching in a fist at his side. Once again the bastard just laughed at him, his eyes flashing with amusement as much as with mako.
"Cloud?" Tifa called him from the doorway, and he glanced over his shoulder to see her looking at him across the room. She had an odd expression on her face, as if she wasn't quite certain what to say to him. She'd been acting strangely since Kalm, on and off, and she kept starting to ask him something and then changing the subject. It was beginning to drive him nuts, to tell the truth, and he hoped that expression didn't mean she was going to start again.
"Yeah?" he replied, wondering if she would actually spit it out this time. "What is it, Tifa? I'm kind of busy."
"Who are you talking to?" she asked, walking towards him with that odd look still on her face.
"What do you mean, who am I talking to?" he said, frowning. "The SOLDIER right..."
Turning back, he trailed off and stared when he found the seat empty. Once again the brunet had vanished without a trace. "What the... where did he go?" Cloud exclaimed, looking all around the bar in confusion. There were only two exits, the door to the outside and a staircase that led to the second floor, both of which he had clearly been able to see when he'd been looking at Tifa. There was nowhere the former SOLDIER could have gone, and yet he was nowhere to be found.
"Who?" Tifa asked again, stopping next to him and looking around. "I came in and saw you talking to yourself, there wasn't anybody there."
"No, you just couldn't see him from the door," Cloud insisted, shaking his head. "He's been following us since Kalm, maybe since Midgar. I confronted him once in Costa del Sol, but this is the second time he's given me the slip. Next time I'm tying him down before I start asking questions."
"If you say so," Tifa replied, but she sounded uncertain. "Maybe you were... never mind. Let's see if we can go find Red XIII, shall we?"
Frustrated both by Tifa's behaviour and the way the man kept vanishing on him, Cloud ran a hand through his hair and wondered if the rest of the world was going crazy, or if it was just him. "Yeah, sounds like a plan," he agreed. And maybe he would spot the brunet again before they left Cosmo Canyon. If not, he was fairly certain this wouldn't be their last encounter.
And next time, he really was going to tie the elusive bastard down first.
Despite the exhausting events of the night so far - Cloud hesitated to call it a 'date', though that was certainly what it had felt like - he found himself completely unable to sleep. So much had happened that he felt like his head might burst with everything he learned. And ever since they'd returned to Nibelheim and seen that basement lab, he hadn't been able to close his eyes without having the strangest nightmares of green mako and glass walls surrounding him. It didn't exactly make for a restful combination.
Giving up, he pushed himself out of bed again and dressed quickly in the dark. It wasn't hard to let himself out of the room without alerting any of the others; everyone else was in their own rooms, sleeping or brooding, and he was good at moving silently when he wanted to. This late at night even Gold Saucer was relatively quiet, so he didn't run into anyone on his way down the stairs.
Once outside, he glanced around for somewhere he'd be able to go and think without being disturbed. As a child he'd always gone to climb the highest of the mountain paths when he'd wanted to be alone, and the instinct to head for the high ground when he was upset was still strong within him. After a moment of thought he decided the roof of the inn would do well enough.
Walking around the building, he found a side that didn't have too many windows and started to climb. A normal person, or even a SOLDIER with no climbing experience, would have had a lot of trouble getting up to the top, so he was reasonably certain he would be left alone there.
Once up, he found a place where the gable of a window met the roof so he could sit without having to worry about sliding off. Settling himself in, he stared out at the artificial sky with its creepy moon and let his thoughts wander. Why did he keep dreaming about tanks full of mako? Could it be... was it possible that some part of the years he was missing between the destruction of Nibelheim and his reappearance in Midgar had involved time spent in a lab?
It was possible. More than possible, it would make a great deal of sense. The gaps in his memory, the way he kept blanking out and hearing voices, the occasional sensation that he was stronger and faster than he expected to be even as a former 1st Class... all of it could be explained if he'd been exposed to a high concentration of mako.
But how had he gotten out and back to Midgar? Why couldn't he remember any of the details? And why did Tifa continue to give him the strangest looks whenever he mentioned the events at Nibelheim all those years ago?
"Arrgh," he exclaimed, digging his fingers into his hair and tugging at it sharply, using the minor pain to try to anchor himself in the present. "None of it makes any sense!"
"Sadly, life rarely does," a now familiar voice commiserated from above him. Only Cloud's natural sense of balance and the enhanced reflexes of a SOLDIER saved him from a nasty tumble off the roof when he jumped in surprise. Looking up, he found the brunet standing on the roof beside him, looking down at him with a sympathetic smile. "Hey, kid."
"Stop calling me that," Cloud replied in what was quickly becoming a reflex, though it lacked heat this time. How on earth had the man gotten up here without Cloud hearing him? He hadn't been that lost in his thoughts, had he? "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Is that any way to greet an old friend?" the man asked in a mock-wounded tone. "Still haven't remembered me, huh? I guess I'm not surprised. You always were too damn stubborn for your own good."
Dropping down to the slanted roof beside Cloud's gable, the SOLDIER stretched his legs out and leaned back on his hands, looking up at the dark sky. "Dunno why they didn't just make the dome clear so you could see the real sky," the brunet mused. "I guess they wouldn't be able to guarantee the right weather to set the creepy atmosphere this part of the saucer is supposed to have. Still, it'd be nice to have some stars to look at. I missed the sky."
"You're still not going to tell me how I supposedly know you, are you?" Cloud grumbled, resigning himself to the idea. Whoever this guy was, he was irritating as all hell, but true to his words from their first encounter he hadn't yet done anything to obstruct Cloud or his friends. As long as he stayed annoying but harmless, Cloud could live with him following them around.
"Nope!" the brunet agreed, utterly unrepentant. "It won't mean anything to you until you remember for yourself, anyway. But I promise not to hold it against you in the meantime."
"Will you at least tell me your damn name, so I have something to think of you by other than 'that damn SOLDIER'?" Cloud asked, sighing. The brunet laughed.
"Yeah, okay," he gave in, somewhat to Cloud's surprise. "Maybe it'll jog your memory, anyway. I'm Zack."
"Zack?" Startled, Cloud sat up straighter and stared at him. "You're that SOLDIER Aerith asked me about! The one she used to date, that disappeared on her."
"She asked you about me?" Zack looked surprised, then pleased. "I didn't know that. I'm surprised she was still thinking about me after all that time. When you stand a girl up for nearly five years, you've gotta figure she'll have moved on."
"Gods alone know why, but she seems to actually care about you," Cloud muttered, looking away. "You ought to say something to her."
"What makes you think I haven't? She hasn't asked you about me lately, has she?" Zack countered, and Cloud realized that was true.
"Look, what do you want?" he asked, changing tactics. "You say you're after Sephiroth; what do you plan to do when you catch up to him, anyway?"
"I've got a score to settle with him," Zack answered, looking serious for once. "Nearly as much of one as you do. But mostly, I just want to help you. I'm your friend, Cloud, whether you remember me that way or not."
"If you want to help us, why don't you just join us instead of trailing us around like a ghost?" Cloud retorted. For some reason, that made the brunet flinch.
"I would if I could, believe me," Zack replied softly. His eyes were distant as he looked out at the 'sky', his expression oddly sorrowful. "I'd like nothing more than to be right there by your side, fighting with you and your friends. But it can't be that way."
Not sure what to say to that, Cloud let the silence stretch out between them. It should have been awkward, but instead it felt... companionable, like they'd sat this way together many times before and didn't feel the need to fill the quiet with chatter just for the sake of noise.
But how could that be? Was it true, what the man claimed about the two of them being friends and Cloud not remembering? Why did even thinking about it give him a terrible headache?
"Hey, don't stress about it so much," Zack said, his voice soft and soothing as Cloud grimaced and rubbed at his temples. "I told you, mako can fuck with your head like that. You were exposed to more of it than most people would be able to survive, let alone come out of sane. It's a miracle you've got as much left as you do."
"What do you know about it?" Cloud asked, the pain and his confusion making him sound more irritable than he'd actually meant to. "How would you know what I..."
For some reason when he looked up again, he saw a haze of green hanging in the air between him and the other man. Green, and glass, and people coming and going all around them, checking and measuring and poking and prodding and...
"You were there," he blurted out, astonished. "You were there, in..."
"In the labs, in the tanks, yeah," Zack agreed, meeting his eyes again. "With a whole lot of other people from Nibelheim, but you and I were the only ones strong enough to resist. To hold onto ourselves. Hojo couldn't corrupt us, couldn't make clones of us."
"Clones?" Cloud shuddered, the word evoking a sense of horror in him. "Those people, in the black capes... the ones that were wandering around in Nibelheim..."
"Yeah." Zack nodded, his eyes dark. "You do remember some of it, then. That could have been us, with a little less luck and a bit less strength of will. So believe me when I say, Cloud, that I know what you're going through and I'm behind you all the way. No matter what."
"No matter what..." For some reason those words, with that fierce tone and in that voice, resonated deep inside him. He shuddered again and bent over, clutching at his head as static filled his ears and a bright white light threatened to envelope him.
Zack reached out and rested a strong hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. The contact felt odd, as if there was some force between them resisting them and keeping them from actually touching directly, but it still made Cloud feel a little better. "Hang in there, kid," the older man said, softly but firmly. "You can do it. I believe in you."
"Zack..." Cloud choked out, and then the white turned to black and he lost track of reality for a minute or an hour. When he came back to himself, he was sprawled out against the roof, securely wedged between it and the gable so he wouldn't fall. He blinked and looked around, but as he had expected there was no sign of the brunet. "Why does he keep doing that?" he muttered, rubbing his eyes.
Whatever the reason, even though he still couldn't remember more than vague flashes of Zack's face through the haze of mako, Cloud found he was grateful he'd had a chance to talk to the older man again. He still had absolutely no idea what was going on in Zack's head, but he was at least relatively certain the brunet really was on his side.
Now, if only he could remember the rest of what had happened to him back then... and if only it didn't give him such a blinding headache to think about it.
Staring at the door after Tifa and Barret closed it behind them, Cloud tried to restrain the urge to laugh hysterically. If he started, he didn't think he was going to be able to stop. What was happening to him? How could he have just... handed over the black materia to Sephiroth like that!
It was just like he'd told the others, he was afraid that if he continued on, he was going to go crazy. Worse, he was terrified that the next time Sephiroth controlled him, it wouldn't be for something as innocuous as making him hand over an object. What if Sephiroth had ordered him to hurt Aerith or Tifa instead of telling him to give over the materia? Could he have resisted the former any more than he'd been able to resist the latter?
He couldn't go on. That was all there was to it. No matter what arguments Tifa and Barret had to the contrary, he just couldn't go on. He was a risk to the mission, to everyone. He was dangerous, far too powerful for any of the others to be able to stop him. He was unstable, likely to go off his rocker with no warning whatsoever. Hades, maybe he was already crazy and just hadn't realized it yet. He was...
He was afraid. Terrified. That was what it all boiled down to. "I'm afraid to find out the truth," he murmured to himself, burying his face in his hands. "But... why?" What was it that his subconscious knew was out there for him to discover, that he was so desperately afraid of?
"Because the truth hurts, kid," Zack told him, and a heavy weight settled onto the bed beside him. Cloud wasn't even surprised this time, having come to almost expect to see the brunet at the most random of moments. The other man slung his arm over Cloud's shoulder, and pulled the blond close to him. "It hurts like a bitch, and it's scary as hell. But sooner or later you have to have the strength to face it, or it'll eat you alive. You won't like it, but it won't kill you, either. Hiding from it, on the other hand, just might."
"I can't do it," Cloud told him, clutching at the other man's shirt like a lifeline. "Zack, I can't do it. I have to stop. I can't go on."
"You have to." There was no reprimand in Zack's tone, no sense of reproach. Nor was there any real overtone of encouragement, as such. It was just a flat statement. Surprised, Cloud looked up into the other man's eyes, and found Zack looking back down at him with a perfectly serious expression. "You have to, Cloud. You're the only one who can. Sephiroth has to be stopped, and it's up to you. But you're not alone, kid. You've got your friends. You've got Aerith. And, for the little that it's worth, you've got me."
"It's worth a lot," Cloud told him, and he didn't realize just how much he meant the words until he said them. "I don't understand why you're doing things this way, or even really just who you are, exactly... but somehow, I know it's important to me to have your support."
Zack smiled at him, obviously touched. "That's the spirit, kid," he said. "Just hang in there, and when the time comes, face the truth with your head up and shoulders back. You have the strength to fight Sephiroth, or you'd be just one more clone heading for the Reunion. You just have to believe in yourself."
A strong hand came up to ruffle Cloud's hair, and he made a face and swatted at Zack in what felt like an automatic gesture. "There, see?" Zack laughed. "You're starting to get back the basics. Your subconscious mind remembers, even if you don't. The truth can hurt, but it can also protect you. If you know the truth, then nobody can fool you."
"I'm just... so afraid that he'll make me hurt someone," Cloud admitted, burying his face in his hands. The mattress beside him shifted as Zack stood, but the hand in his hair remained, almost a caress.
"Trust in yourself, and in your friends," Zack ordered him. "And just believe."
The hand in his hair disappeared, but Cloud didn't look up. He was still struggling to get himself back under control, knowing he was going to have to go out there and face the others, and not having any idea of what he was going to say to them.
He wasn't even surprised when he finally opened his eyes to find he was alone in the room. Zack's vanishing act was becoming almost as normal as the way he could appear out of nowhere. Something about that thought tugged at Cloud, made things he didn't want to think about shift in his mind, but he shoved them away.
Standing, he made his way to the door, and found Tifa and Barret right outside. Ignoring the way Barret immediately started ranting at him again, Cloud looked at Tifa and wondered if whatever it was she kept not saying to him had anything to do with the truth Zack had said he needed to face.
"...I'll go upside your spiky white head and bring you back to normal!" Barret declared, finishing his lecture, and Cloud blinked at him. Maybe he should have been paying just a little more attention.
"Cloud, it'll be all right," Tifa assured him, touching his arm. "We're all with you."
"But..." Despite Zack's encouragement, Cloud found he was still incredibly reluctant to agree to go on with the rest of the group. What if Zack was wrong?
What if Zack was just part of the way Sephiroth was influencing him?
"If it happens, it happens," Barret said, his tone dismissive. "Don't worry about it."
"You're... right," Cloud acknowledged. "He's right, isn't he?" he added to Tifa, and she nodded.
"Come on, let's go and find Aerith," she suggested, and caught his hand to lead him off to where the others were waiting. He followed her, hoping like hell that he was doing the right thing and wasn't playing right into Sephiroth's hands.
As they walked, he looked at her and wondered what she would say if he asked her where Zack had gone after the older man had left the room. There had only been one door, and Tifa and Barret had been right outside it; Zack would have had to pass right by them.
In the end he said nothing, more afraid of the answer than he wanted to admit.
Staring down into the depths of the water, Cloud wondered if it was only his imagination that he could still see glimpses of Aerith's body as she sank to the bottom. Probably. He'd deliberately chosen this shelf because it let him stand and drop her at a place where she would fall deep enough that she wouldn't be washed up again.
It felt right to lay her to rest in the water. Maybe burying her would have been more in the spirit of 'returning her to the Planet', but this would work too. He didn't think he could have faced the labour of first digging and then filling her grave without breaking down. This was simpler.
Behind him he was vaguely aware of the others drifting away one by one, until only Tifa was left on the shore. "Cloud," she called after they'd stood there for several minutes and he still hadn't moved. "Cloud, we're going back to the house to rest. You'll meet us there... right? Promise?"
In her voice he heard the worry that he might be thinking about doing something drastic, and he couldn't blame her. "I'll be there," he assured her listlessly, but his heart wasn't in the words. "You go on ahead. I just... need a few minutes." She shifted, obviously uneasy at the idea of leaving him alone, but finally headed after the others.
For one terrible moment, Cloud allowed himself to actually contemplate the idea. With his armour and sword on, he wouldn't have a hope in hell of being able to keep his head above water if he stepped off the edge of this underwater cliff. He could follow her down, lay at rest beside her...
"No," he said out loud, shaking his head and forcing the thoughts away. "I can't." He'd hurt everyone enough by giving Sephiroth the black materia, by being nothing more than the puppet Jenova had called him. He had no right to hurt them more, and he knew Tifa at least would be devastated if he killed himself.
"Good," Zack called back to him from the shore, as Cloud had half expected him to. "Because if you did, I'd have to try to swim out there and save your skinny ass. I'm a good swimmer, but I don't know if I could handle both of us and all our armour and weapons to boot. So get back up here before you slip off and drown by accident, will you?"
Turning, Cloud saw the dark-haired man standing just at the water's edge, arms crossed over his chest as he looked out at Cloud. "It's a pretty place," Zack commented as Cloud waded back towards the shore. "She'd like it. You chose well."
For some reason, the simple words of praise set off a chain reaction in Cloud that led to an explosion of all the emotions he'd been holding back since she'd died. "I shouldn't have had to choose at all!" he burst out, splashing his fists into the water in a futile effort to take out some of his rage. "This is all my fault! I couldn't fight him, I didn't..."
Tears started to drip from his face, but he couldn't bring himself to be embarrassed. He fell to his knees in the shallow water and buried his face in his hands, his shoulders heaving with sobs. "I nearly killed her, Zack," he choked out. "I nearly... I had my sword out, I was ready to run her through. I could barely hold myself back..."
"You did, though." Cloud hadn't heard the water splash, but suddenly Zack was right there beside him, kneeling with him in the water with both hands on Cloud's shoulders to brace him. "You weren't the one that killed her, Cloud. He tried to make you, to use that to torture you with, and he failed. I told you that you were stronger than him."
"Not strong enough," Cloud insisted. "Not strong enough to protect her. I just stood there and watched, I couldn't do a damn thing!"
"Yeah, I know exactly how that feels," Zack said, and the bitterness in his voice made Cloud look up at him. Reflected in the brunet's dark eyes Cloud saw the same helpless frustration that he himself was feeling, and he knew that Zack truly did understand.
Then he surprised Cloud by pulling the younger man into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around Cloud's shoulders and tugging him close until Cloud's head rested on Zack's shoulder. "Go ahead," Zack urged him softly. "Let it out. This may be your only chance. I understand what you're going through, and you can't hurt me."
Despite himself, Cloud nearly lost it right then and there. He struggled against the tangle of emotions that threatened to burst out of him at any moment, afraid they would tear him apart in the process. Sephiroth had said that he shouldn't act as if he felt sad or angry, that he couldn't feel those things because he was only a puppet. But he did feel them, felt them so utterly and completely that they were almost the only things he was aware of.
Almost. Because he could feel Zack's strong arms around him, both strange and comforting at the same time. The older man was shaking against him, and Cloud was startled to realize Zack was crying, his body wracked with sobs that came out as tiny choked breaths and a high keening noise.
Knowing that Zack was hurting too and wasn't afraid to show it broke the last flimsy barrier Cloud had against his feelings, and he found himself screaming all his rage and pain out into Zack's shoulder. He shouted and cursed, he pounded his fists against Zack with blows hard enough to have broken bones in a non-SOLDIER, and through it all the tears streamed down over his face to mingle with the water he'd laid her to rest in.
It hurt. Oh, gods, it hurt. Yet it was cathartic, too, allowing him to finally let go of some of the emotions that had been eating away at him from the very beginning. Everything Cloud had been holding back, all the fear and anger and doubt and pain, came pouring out in a flood so violent he wondered if there would be anything left of him afterwards. Zack held him the whole time, taking the abuse without any sign of protest, his own grieving quieter than Cloud's but no less intense.
At last the violence of his emotions started to abate, leaving him sobbing brokenly into Zack's shoulder. "What do I do now?" Cloud asked helplessly, his voice thick with the tears he'd shed and the screaming he'd done. "Zack... he could make me do anything. It could be Tifa next, and I wouldn't be able to do a damn thing to stop him. Aerith was our best hope, and now she's gone. I can't go on like this..."
"Stop that!" Zack shook him by the shoulders, pushing him away just far enough for them to be able to look at each other. His expression was angry, but the anger was tempered by sorrow and grief and a deep understanding. "Just stop talking like that, Cloud. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, he's got a damn strong hold on you. So what? I'll tell you exactly what you do now. You keep going. Aerith will have sacrificed herself for nothing if you quit now. Don't you dare let her have died in vain, damn it."
"But..." Cloud protested, not certain exactly what argument he could offer against that.
"But nothing," Zack cut him off before he had a chance to find something else to say. "For the love of Shiva, Cloud, stop trying to give up! You have more stubborn willpower than anyone else I've ever met, but you keep refusing to use it! Listen to me. You, a completely unenhanced sixteen-year-old boy, managed to defeat the most powerful SOLDIER ever born. Something I couldn't accomplish, I might add. Do you really believe there's nothing you can do against him now?"
"Unenhanced," Cloud repeated, frowning. "But... but that's not right, I was a SOLDIER..."
"Never mind the details," Zack chopped his hand down in a sweeping motion, shaking his head. "You beat him back then, that's the important thing. You did it then, all by yourself. You can do it now, with the help of your friends. There's still a chance you can catch Sephiroth and stop him before he uses the black materia - if you can do that, then Aerith's death won't have been for nothing."
"I did beat him then," Cloud acknowledged, wincing as a fuzzy memory made itself known and he remembered the horrible sensation of the masamune thrust straight through his chest. He'd pulled himself right up the blade to get at Sephiroth, his outrage and sense of betrayal driving him harder than any amount of pain would have been able to offset.
"Then you can do it again," Zack insisted. "Cloud, you can do this. You have to do this. You're the only one who can."
"What if I try, and fail?" Cloud whispered, trembling.
"If you don't try, you're guaranteed to fail," Zack countered. "What have you got to lose?"
"Everything," Cloud replied, his heart echoing in that one simple word. He could lose everything if Sephiroth won. Tifa, the others, the entire world... 'everything' only barely encompassed it.
"Then don't fail," Zack advised him. "And that means you have to try."
Looking up at him, Cloud saw the older man's conviction in his eyes, and nodded slowly. "I... won't let her down," he promised hoarsely.
"I know you won't," Zack said. "Now, come on, the others are worried about you. Tifa's probably fretting herself half to death in there."
With an effort Cloud hauled himself to his feet. He felt shaky and weak, as if he'd gone through a dozen rounds in the Battle Arena instead of dealing with an emotional outburst. And yet he felt oddly strong inside, with a new resolve unlike anything he'd felt before. No matter what Sephiroth threw at him, he promised himself silently, he would stand strong and ignore it. One way or another, he would stop the bastard.
When he opened the door to the house where the others had gathered to wait, all eyes were immediately on him. Cloud knew that if he turned to look, Zack would be gone again... yet he almost felt as if the other man was still right there with him. If he closed his eyes, he imagined he could feel the brunet's strong hand squeezing his shoulder in reassurance.
Taking a deep breath, Cloud squared himself and opened his eyes again, letting the others see his new determination in his expression. "Everyone, listen to me..."
The sea breeze was gentle, just cool enough as it came in off the ocean to offset the heavy Mideel summer heat. Cloud stood at the edge of the new crater, staring down into the shimmering glow of liquid mako that now bubbled right at the surface. Hours earlier, a thriving town had been on that spot. Then the WEAPON had come, and everything had been destroyed.
Everything... except for him. Somehow, in the midst of all that destruction, Cloud had finally found the truth about himself. Tifa had helped to guide him, and the Lifestream had made it all possible, but in the end it had been his choice to face reality instead of remaining in the safety of his illusion.
So now he knew. He knew what Zack had been trying to push him towards, what Sephiroth had been trying to taunt him with, what Tifa had been trying to ask him. He knew... and Zack had been right, the truth hurt like a bitch, but continuing to ignore it might have killed him and everyone else on the planet.
There was just one thing he still didn't understand. "Zack," he called, the word echoing from the empty space over the crater. He'd ordered the others to stay behind in the Highwind, saying that this was something he needed to face on his own before they continued on their mission to find a way to stop Meteor. "Zack!" he shouted, when the first call didn't get a response.
"I'm right here, kid," the familiar voice spoke from behind him. "You don't need to yell."
Turning, Cloud saw the older man standing there, just barely out of arm's reach. Zack looked... older, more weary than Cloud was used to seeing him. The Zack from his memories had been more carefree and full of energy. But that had been Zack as he was before Nibelheim, before both of their lives had been turned upside down and destroyed.
Before Zack had died on that cliff, after dragging Cloud's unresponsive body halfway around the world in an attempt to save him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Cloud demanded. Zack gave him a lopsided smile in response.
"Cloud, get serious," the brunet replied. "Would you have believed me if I'd tried?"
Would Cloud have believed him if Zack had tried to explain that he was dead, and Cloud wasn't really a SOLDIER? "No, probably not," Cloud was forced to acknowledge. "What are you, anyway? A ghost?"
Shrugging, Zack moved up beside him and stared down into the Lifestream. "That's as good a word as any, I guess. I don't really know what I am. I think... I think that my connection to you, and to Sephiroth, is too strong for me to be able to be at rest in the Lifestream."
"Because of what Hojo did to us," Cloud finished for him, and Zack nodded.
"Yeah. That's my guess, anyway. That's why you can see me, but nobody else can. I really wish I could have been here for you, kid. I failed you, out there on that cliff."
"Are you kidding me?" Cloud gave him an incredulous look. "You saved my life, hauled me all across the world and got me close enough to Midgar that I was able to get the rest of the way under my own power. You've stayed with me, encouraged me, shaken sense into me when I needed it... and you were there to hold me when Aerith died. In what way have you failed me?"
That earned him another lopsided grin. "Well, when you put it that way," Zack chuckled softly. "Still. I wish I could help you face him in the end."
"You have," Cloud assured him. "Without you, I'd have given up a long time ago and he'd have won already. But what about you? Won't you ever be able to rest?"
This time Zack's smile was a little more genuine. "I think once Sephiroth is gone for real, I'll be less affected by the pull he's exerting on all of Hojo's clones," he said. "I know Aerith is waiting for me, in the Lifestream. I've felt her presence a few times since she died. We'll keep a place for you, too."
The thought made Cloud's heart clench, and his throat threatened to close up on him. "I'll hold you to that," he told Zack sternly. "But first, I have to win."
"You will," Zack said. "There was never a doubt in my mind."
"Zack..." Cloud trailed off, not sure what to say next. This felt very much like a final goodbye, and he wondered if he would ever see the older man again. Now that he'd faced the truth and stopped clinging to the pieces of his friend that he'd borrowed, was there any reason for him to?
Before he quite knew what was happening, Zack had caught him in a headlock and was ruffling his hair vigorously. "Just remember, even if you can't see me, I'm always right there at your back," he ordered Cloud. "Stay strong, kid. You might not have ever officially held the rank of SOLDIER, but I'd pick you for a partner any day. Believe in yourself."
"I will," Cloud promised him. "I won't let you - either of you - down." Zack finally let him go, and Cloud caught the older man by the shoulders. They stood there looking into each other's eyes for a long moment, then finally Zack nodded.
"I'd wish you good luck, but you won't need it," the brunet said as they released each other.
"I'll take it anyway," Cloud replied. Taking a deep breath, he turned away from the mako pool and walked back towards the place where the ladder to the Highwind was anchored. He knew if he looked back Zack would be gone - but as long as he didn't look, he could convince himself that his friend was still right there behind him. Resolutely, Cloud promised himself he would never look back again, so that he could always have Zack there with him.
The truth was painful... but it had also given him back one of the most important people in his life, his best friend. As long as Cloud remembered Zack, the former SOLDIER wouldn't truly be gone. And as long as Cloud continued living up to his memory of the older man, nothing would be able to stand in his way. Not even Sephiroth.
Zack had died on that cliff, sacrificing himself so that Cloud could live. Aerith had willingly given her life to save the Planet. Both of them were counting on Cloud to finish it for them. He had some big shoes to fill... but he would live up to them if it killed him.