Bringing some festive cheer.
Some of these are old, some are from some of my buds from a site I frequent. They've had me laughing for about an hour now.
Basically put...they are statements about Chuck Norris. If you dont know who Chuck Norris or Walker Texas Ranger is, then you're missing out:
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this 'glitch,' Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has only celebrated April Fools Day once. The result was homosexuals.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris uses a rattlesnake as a condom
When soap gets in Chuck Norris' eyes, he's wipes them clean with onions.
The alphabet has 31 letters. Chuck Norris is the only one who knows the other five.
At Chuck Norris' bachelor party, he ate the whole cake before anyone had a chance to inform him the stripper was still in it. He laughed.
Chuck Norris is the only person to have won at 'the internet'.
Muhammad Ali does not have Parkinson's. He simply shivers in the fear the Chuck Norris will kill him.
There is no such thing as wind. What you feel is the breeze generated from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the face.
That Chuck Norris, what a guy!
Basically put...they are statements about Chuck Norris. If you dont know who Chuck Norris or Walker Texas Ranger is, then you're missing out:
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this 'glitch,' Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has only celebrated April Fools Day once. The result was homosexuals.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris uses a rattlesnake as a condom
When soap gets in Chuck Norris' eyes, he's wipes them clean with onions.
The alphabet has 31 letters. Chuck Norris is the only one who knows the other five.
At Chuck Norris' bachelor party, he ate the whole cake before anyone had a chance to inform him the stripper was still in it. He laughed.
Chuck Norris is the only person to have won at 'the internet'.
Muhammad Ali does not have Parkinson's. He simply shivers in the fear the Chuck Norris will kill him.
There is no such thing as wind. What you feel is the breeze generated from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the face.
That Chuck Norris, what a guy!