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Well, my granda died today. I never really knew him all that well, though I stopped with him and my gran pretty much every week when I was a kid, he was always a bit of an enigma. I do know that its hit me quite hard, I loved him, there was no doubting that at all, and Im going to miss him badly
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he's been in a home for the past year and I just couldnt bring myself to go in to visit him very often, it was a horrible shitty place and it was rotten to see him in that environment. Now I feel like shit for not seeing him in his final few months.
Don't feel bad. I'm sure you're granda knew how much you loved him. It's hard seeing people we love deteriorate. I have a hard time visiting my grandmother for the same reason. It's not shitty of you; it's a normal reaction.
I was silently sobbing my heart out, then when she asked me if I was okay I was absolutely crushed. And that made her cry, then I felt like shit for that.
Why? Crying is healthy and cathartic! If anything, I'm sure crying with you did her a world of good.
And if Ill remember one thing about him, its the fact that he had it hard, he could barely walk, he had parkinsons, a little braindamage, some of his bones and his lungs and everything were shot to bits. But in my entire life, I never heard him complain once about pain.
He sounds like a wonderful, wonderful guy. It also sounds like, despite all of the hardships, he really enjoyed his life. So don't look at his life as heartbreaking, if he didn't.
Id like to say that Im going to miss him, but in fairness he wasnt the Granda I knew for a long time before his death. Its almost a blessing to him that he doesnt have to put up with the pain in silence anymore, and to my gran that she doesnt have to worry and fret and shed tears over him anymore.
I know exactly what you mean, as it's the same case with my grandmother. When someone becomes so mentally and physically depreciates as much as your granda and my grandmother did/have, death seems like a blessing. You almost wish that they had died before declined so badly, but I try not to think of my grandmother as she is now. At her funeral, people will hopefully be remarking on her many years as an avid volunteer and wonderful cook, and not on her few final years of confusion and forgetfullness. Remember your grandfather the same way. Remember him as he was when you were a kid; don't dwell on how he was as an old man, because that wasn't him, that was the disease. But now the disease is gone, as well as the pain; I'm just sorry that death won't alleviate the pain for you and your family.
Im sorry that this isnt a very organised/composed entry, I dont really know what to say to be honest.
Why are you sorry? You're grandfather just died; we understand! I don't really know what to say either. I'm incredibly bad when it comes to this stuff. Just know that I'm there for you if you need to talk about it. And don't feel embarrased about crying on the phone to me if that's what you need to do.
I love you.
He knows you do, and it means the world to him. He loves you too, as do I.
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