Man
Lately, I have had a feeling that I am not accomplishing anything. Mainly school related. I really feel like I am not going anywhere or doing anything. I am envious of those I started with who are graduating in May, Aug, or Dec. I might grad next yr. But it isnt looking so good getting into PT school. And the friends I have now, will be in PT school as I try to bump up my GPA. I have no clue where I want to go to PT school. Do I want to go to GVSU, CMU, or Oakland. I think the only place I know I had a shot of getting into is CMU. GVSU I am not sure. I would love it if I could go anywhere but CMU. I'm starting to doubt my abilities. I have been going up in my GPA since Freshman yr, but since last summer, it is just going down. I can';t concentrate or focus. OR I just plain dont want to do it or give a fuck. Yet I get so upset when I see that I did bad. I know I am capable of so much more.
Im having trouble dealing with people as well. Like I just don't have it in me to tell people what is going on with me or if I have a problem with them. I definitely made someone upset with the fact I felt like I took a walk of shame. He and I talked about it a bit and of course I understand things now. It wasn't anything to be shameful of. I'm starting to miss the moments. Not necessarily the sex, don't get me wrong, that was fun and enjoyable. But I miss just the closeness and security I felt. I want it back. From anyone really. I feel like this is the time I need it.
Which leads to me not having confidence in myself and being social. Lately I have been having anxiety attacks. Small ones, but just enough to get me worked up. I was at a bar, and I know lots of people are there. But I started to panic before the whole place filled up. I was playing pool and there were several people around us. And I just felt claustrophobic. Another example, is I got invited to go to a party where i knew 8 outta 50 people going. I felt so sick to my stomach that I couldnt eat. Just the thought of going to a party where there were a bunch of chicks or Mos and not knowing any one. I just couldn't go.
A lot is going on with me. I feel like I am starting to become a miniature version of my dad. And that doesn't sit well with me. I don't want that feeling.
Next entry should be a more positive or happy one. Trust me.
Im having trouble dealing with people as well. Like I just don't have it in me to tell people what is going on with me or if I have a problem with them. I definitely made someone upset with the fact I felt like I took a walk of shame. He and I talked about it a bit and of course I understand things now. It wasn't anything to be shameful of. I'm starting to miss the moments. Not necessarily the sex, don't get me wrong, that was fun and enjoyable. But I miss just the closeness and security I felt. I want it back. From anyone really. I feel like this is the time I need it.
Which leads to me not having confidence in myself and being social. Lately I have been having anxiety attacks. Small ones, but just enough to get me worked up. I was at a bar, and I know lots of people are there. But I started to panic before the whole place filled up. I was playing pool and there were several people around us. And I just felt claustrophobic. Another example, is I got invited to go to a party where i knew 8 outta 50 people going. I felt so sick to my stomach that I couldnt eat. Just the thought of going to a party where there were a bunch of chicks or Mos and not knowing any one. I just couldn't go.
A lot is going on with me. I feel like I am starting to become a miniature version of my dad. And that doesn't sit well with me. I don't want that feeling.
Next entry should be a more positive or happy one. Trust me.