Meaning? Momentary Insanity...
Is there any order to the world that is absolute?
What created us? What defines us? What will BECOME of us?
Of me?
Perhaps this is the question that is unanswerable.
Just thinking about it provokes extreme anxiety and in several cases in my past, full-blown panic attacks.
When you say the term "panic attack" most people can't even begin to imagine the terror; the sheer feeling of doom that you have.
Most people think it feels like a heart attack or something similar.
But is there anyone out there who has had this experience; one that makes you question your existence/your meaning/your place in the world???
If so I'd love to hear from you.
Just to know that I'm not the only one.
I want to, more than anything:
- Get on a plane by myself, fly to Australia, and not be afraid.
- Dig a hole in the earth, travel 5000 miles, sit in it for the remainder of my life, and not be afraid.
- Get lost in my own little world for hours, and not be afraid.
- Be buried alive, and not be afraid.
- Die, and know that I will be in peace forever.
- Make a difference in the world. Be recognized for my true abilities; not my fake ones. To know myself. To live a meaningful life.
- Know, without a shred of doubt and with every ounce of faith that I (do not) have, that everything in my world will be okay.
- Know, without a shred of doubt in my mind, that my thoughts and mental well-being is not determined by my nerves and biology.
I didn't used to feel this way; it began almost a year ago.
As of now none of these applies to me. I am, in no simpler terms than I can describe: afraid.
(Well not CONSTANTLY.. but whenever the thought comes into my head... which is pretty often. But not nearly as much as it used to be, when I was taking medication...)
But yeah, I still try to live my life at least. Hopefully that must count for something.
At times I feel like there's a puzzle, always in the back of my mind, sometimes dormant but when I think about it, that no matter how hard I try to solve it, only gets more and more complex. A Rubik's cube that I can't seem to fix. A knot that is tied way tighter than I'm able to fix. The more I think about it, the more wound up, and anxious I get.
An unsolvable puzzle.
That I just want to GO. AWAY. BE. GONE. Death. To the. Puzzle. Free it. From. My mind. Just want... to live live... without delving into such things. I try to do that; it works; when I keep myself busy, I'm all good.
But: by my very nature, I am unwilling to proceed with new tasks, until previous ones, particularly those thar irk me, are solved. I sometimes feel like I can't live my life to the fullest and enjoy it, when this puzzle remains shaky. I don't know if any of you understand me... I just hope you can try. It's something that I don't think is even fully explainable...
Security I guess is what I'm looking for. And fear of criticism of feeling secure. "you can believe that if it makes you feel better" seems to be the most outspoken deterrant for religion.
It's come across my mind many times that maybe I seek god. Maybe...
Religion may very well be what I seek; even want, more than anything. Or maybe just a place to call home; to belong.
I am not asking anyone to make me feel better; or to boost my feelings. Just wanted to get this out. If it even resembles anything remotely like what I'm saying... that will be good.
What created us? What defines us? What will BECOME of us?
Of me?
Perhaps this is the question that is unanswerable.
Just thinking about it provokes extreme anxiety and in several cases in my past, full-blown panic attacks.
When you say the term "panic attack" most people can't even begin to imagine the terror; the sheer feeling of doom that you have.
Most people think it feels like a heart attack or something similar.
But is there anyone out there who has had this experience; one that makes you question your existence/your meaning/your place in the world???
If so I'd love to hear from you.
Just to know that I'm not the only one.
I want to, more than anything:
- Get on a plane by myself, fly to Australia, and not be afraid.
- Dig a hole in the earth, travel 5000 miles, sit in it for the remainder of my life, and not be afraid.
- Get lost in my own little world for hours, and not be afraid.
- Be buried alive, and not be afraid.
- Die, and know that I will be in peace forever.
- Make a difference in the world. Be recognized for my true abilities; not my fake ones. To know myself. To live a meaningful life.
- Know, without a shred of doubt and with every ounce of faith that I (do not) have, that everything in my world will be okay.
- Know, without a shred of doubt in my mind, that my thoughts and mental well-being is not determined by my nerves and biology.
I didn't used to feel this way; it began almost a year ago.
As of now none of these applies to me. I am, in no simpler terms than I can describe: afraid.
(Well not CONSTANTLY.. but whenever the thought comes into my head... which is pretty often. But not nearly as much as it used to be, when I was taking medication...)
But yeah, I still try to live my life at least. Hopefully that must count for something.
At times I feel like there's a puzzle, always in the back of my mind, sometimes dormant but when I think about it, that no matter how hard I try to solve it, only gets more and more complex. A Rubik's cube that I can't seem to fix. A knot that is tied way tighter than I'm able to fix. The more I think about it, the more wound up, and anxious I get.
An unsolvable puzzle.
That I just want to GO. AWAY. BE. GONE. Death. To the. Puzzle. Free it. From. My mind. Just want... to live live... without delving into such things. I try to do that; it works; when I keep myself busy, I'm all good.
But: by my very nature, I am unwilling to proceed with new tasks, until previous ones, particularly those thar irk me, are solved. I sometimes feel like I can't live my life to the fullest and enjoy it, when this puzzle remains shaky. I don't know if any of you understand me... I just hope you can try. It's something that I don't think is even fully explainable...
Security I guess is what I'm looking for. And fear of criticism of feeling secure. "you can believe that if it makes you feel better" seems to be the most outspoken deterrant for religion.
It's come across my mind many times that maybe I seek god. Maybe...
Religion may very well be what I seek; even want, more than anything. Or maybe just a place to call home; to belong.
I am not asking anyone to make me feel better; or to boost my feelings. Just wanted to get this out. If it even resembles anything remotely like what I'm saying... that will be good.