I am Officially a Nervous Wreck...
This journal's purpose is all for my OWN BENEFIT; but I left it open to Public in case anyone cares. But just a warning to anyone who decides to read this -- in here I am going to write down all that has been going on since I last posted. Some of these things will be things you've never known about me, others you have, others plain disturbing.
That aside, I am writing this with the intent that it will help me through this ordeal; I DO BELIEVE I can beat this thing but I am not sure I can do it alone. By recording my thoughts and daily activities, maybe I can get more of an idea where my internal problems lie and therefore deal with them more effectively. Not only that, I want to use this as a coping mechanism for whenever my mind starts exploding with the "racing thoughts" again.
I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder just over a month ago by a local psychiatrist. Panic disorder is one of many mental illnesses known as Anxiety disorders.
The diagnosis was made based only two panic attacks that occurred after the initial incident with the pot, which I wrote about on one of my earlier posts. This I believe triggered the neurosis. These two panic attacks were EXTREMELY scary; and left me in a state of a nervous shaking insomniac wreck. But luckily I have not had one since. Or if I have, it has been mild. But it did bring about insomnia, a wave of anxiety, "racing thoughts" that never end, and other shit. And I still don't sleep 8 hours a night, maybe 5 at most. Sometimes I even have periods where I feel like I'm so down that I'm unable to do anything but lay in bed.
It has taken its toll on me mentally and emotionally, and I am currently in treatment by a psychiatrist by counseling, and taking medication. I am also trying to recover in other ways by practicing relaxation techniques and by maintaining a healthy diet and exercise.
It's not always easy. Some days are good, some are worse than others. Although the medication helps, it also adds to my anxiety because I am afraid of becoming (or that maybe I already AM) dependent on it.
The medication is called Ativan and it is among the benzodiazepines...they are tranquilizers and I've done a lot of googling on them. I was prescribed it a month ago when I came into the doctor's office (before I started seeing the psych) and complained of several panic attacks, but most of all difficulty sleeping. At that time I had been sleeping for maybe 3-4 hours a night for 4-5 days in a row. I would wake up really early in the a.m. and have trouble getting back to sleep. One time I even woke up in the middle of the night and it felt like... hard to explain, but like I didn't know that I existed or that somehow I had lost my sense of identity and things were weird and unreal. Later I learned that this episode is called "derealisation" and is among the symptoms of anxiety and panic.
I had to see a doctor right away. I was completely losing it. She gave me some sleep aids, and the Ativan (which I started to take on an as-needed basis).
You can't imagine the regret I feel for not completely knowing the addictive aspects of the drug at that time, because I started taking it exactly as directed, but usually it was only 1mg one or two times a day. This helped extremely with my free-floating anxiety (when what I like to call it when the "unexplained fear" coming down upon me). However, soon I learned of its addictive and habit-forming potential, and decided to cut down to one a day.
I started having this morbid preoccupation and fear of death -- about what happens when you die, all this scary stuff... that just dragged me down so much that I started seeing a counselor that was referred to me by a massage therapist I went to.
I also had so much on my mind -- about whether to leave my job and come home, what to do with myself in the future, how to fix all the broken shit in my life.
She was not a psychiatrist, but was a licensed counselor and I saw her a couple times, she helped me some.
And this was around the time I started seeing the psychiatrist, who was referred to me by a referral of my regular doc. Although he's extremely expensive, on my first visit to him he said to "completely eliminate" the anxiety by taking the Ativan 3x a day. Which I did for about a week, and when I went back to him, all was well in my mind -- the anxiety had almost completely gone except for very minor exceptions.
This was the weekend that I visited Dixon in June and saw Sam and Noah -- and family. For Father's day. It was a good weekend.
When I got back he recommended starting me on a drug called Remeron, which is an anti-depressant but also anti-anxiety in lower doses. After considering it for a while, I decided to go with the Remeron. I wouldn't be completely off the Ativan as he still suggested I take it when I needed it, but this time he said zero to two times daily. Which I did, as he directed, although by this time I was so paranoid about being dependent or addicted to it that I didn't take them "as-needed", but more like "as-needed but maybe". So I cut down to one a day, which didn't eliminate all the anxiety, but mostly did in the evening hours. In the morning however I was pretty bad and would wake up really early, usually with disturbing nightmares and sometimes in fear, lay in bed until 10 or 11, go into work and not be able to focus very well.
Every day I would go online and google up anything related to my condition. This helped some; as I read stories of recovery but I also come across horror stories, symptoms that only scare me more and more.
So I've been trying to cut down on the googling, but it's not easy. It seems like every day I do it, even when I don't want to. My mind starts with the racing thoughts, and I can't stop them. I try the breathing exercises, and it helps sometimes, but other times not. Sometimes I can't concentrate on work and spend hours without doing anything but mull over myself and worry.
My biggest problem now is that it's been over a month and I feel as if I've become dependent on the Ativan to feel good. Although I have told this to my psych, he tells me that "I cannot become addicted" but I also don't know if I fully trust him.. I mean.. a second opinion is in due order.
WHAT I HAVE ACHIEVED:
-Less overall anxiety. Still a nervous wreck possibly dependent on my meds.
-Completely eliminated caffeine. Cut down drastically on soda.
-Started going to a local church -- because a lot of my anxiety has caused me to kind of do a lot of painful soul-searching. Not only that but I felt I needed the community. I haven't really been there too much, only a couple of Sundays, but it's a start I guess.
-Started exercising again -- but not as regularly as I should. I am working on this.
-met a girl in my non-credit writing class -- we went out on one "date" -- well, I wouldn't call it a "date" as we ended up eating Subs and having conversation in a parking lot. But it was a very good conversation.
I don't know if she wants to see me again -- I emailed her and asked her out, but she told me she was busy all week, and that she'd give me a call next week (which would be this upcoming week).
So I left her my phone #s... I don't know if she'll get back to me, but I can only hope. And no, I didn't tell her about my meds. I doubt she'd want to date a nervous wreck.
THINGS I SHOULD NOT DO:
-Worry about everything -- but this is not easy since sometimes I have the racing thoughts over and over and over about EVERYTHING.
-Google everything and anything... but it's not easy also. I lose my train of thought, am unable to focus on work, and because of that I am now behind on my projects.
THINGS I SHOULD DO:
-My psych says I am too isolated. He says I need more people in my life. But it's so hard to meet people out here... at times I just want to quit my job and move back home, even if it means being unemployed.
I'm really confused about everything that's going on -- if I move now it could add to the stress and make my condition even worse. Not only that but I might have to live with my parents at home, being completely dependent on them, which may even make me worse. At the same time... if I stay, I have financial stability and a job. But I'm detached from everybody. I am alone -- selfish too I guess, and also really fucked up.
I believe I can beat this thing. I want to get through this and just be my old self again. Or maybe I need to "find myself" in the process. All I know is that I want this shitstorm to be over...
7/2/05: A good day. Took 1/2 Ativan in the morning, went to company picnic, played volleyball. Went to eye doctor for an eye exam -- going to get new glasses on the 14th! Went shopping. Exercised, went home did some writing, went to bed. One of the best days in a long time.
7/3/05: Today is my brother's birthday. I am going to call my family later. I got up really early, and laid in bed trying to calm myself and my anxiety until about noon. I got up and did some laundry. Took 1/2 Ativan and went to work, didn't do any actual work but started writing in this journal.
I need to focus on getting up and into work earlier, if I can. The mornings are rough, because most of the time it's hard to just get out of bed.
That aside, I am writing this with the intent that it will help me through this ordeal; I DO BELIEVE I can beat this thing but I am not sure I can do it alone. By recording my thoughts and daily activities, maybe I can get more of an idea where my internal problems lie and therefore deal with them more effectively. Not only that, I want to use this as a coping mechanism for whenever my mind starts exploding with the "racing thoughts" again.
I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder just over a month ago by a local psychiatrist. Panic disorder is one of many mental illnesses known as Anxiety disorders.
The diagnosis was made based only two panic attacks that occurred after the initial incident with the pot, which I wrote about on one of my earlier posts. This I believe triggered the neurosis. These two panic attacks were EXTREMELY scary; and left me in a state of a nervous shaking insomniac wreck. But luckily I have not had one since. Or if I have, it has been mild. But it did bring about insomnia, a wave of anxiety, "racing thoughts" that never end, and other shit. And I still don't sleep 8 hours a night, maybe 5 at most. Sometimes I even have periods where I feel like I'm so down that I'm unable to do anything but lay in bed.
It has taken its toll on me mentally and emotionally, and I am currently in treatment by a psychiatrist by counseling, and taking medication. I am also trying to recover in other ways by practicing relaxation techniques and by maintaining a healthy diet and exercise.
It's not always easy. Some days are good, some are worse than others. Although the medication helps, it also adds to my anxiety because I am afraid of becoming (or that maybe I already AM) dependent on it.
The medication is called Ativan and it is among the benzodiazepines...they are tranquilizers and I've done a lot of googling on them. I was prescribed it a month ago when I came into the doctor's office (before I started seeing the psych) and complained of several panic attacks, but most of all difficulty sleeping. At that time I had been sleeping for maybe 3-4 hours a night for 4-5 days in a row. I would wake up really early in the a.m. and have trouble getting back to sleep. One time I even woke up in the middle of the night and it felt like... hard to explain, but like I didn't know that I existed or that somehow I had lost my sense of identity and things were weird and unreal. Later I learned that this episode is called "derealisation" and is among the symptoms of anxiety and panic.
I had to see a doctor right away. I was completely losing it. She gave me some sleep aids, and the Ativan (which I started to take on an as-needed basis).
You can't imagine the regret I feel for not completely knowing the addictive aspects of the drug at that time, because I started taking it exactly as directed, but usually it was only 1mg one or two times a day. This helped extremely with my free-floating anxiety (when what I like to call it when the "unexplained fear" coming down upon me). However, soon I learned of its addictive and habit-forming potential, and decided to cut down to one a day.
I started having this morbid preoccupation and fear of death -- about what happens when you die, all this scary stuff... that just dragged me down so much that I started seeing a counselor that was referred to me by a massage therapist I went to.
I also had so much on my mind -- about whether to leave my job and come home, what to do with myself in the future, how to fix all the broken shit in my life.
She was not a psychiatrist, but was a licensed counselor and I saw her a couple times, she helped me some.
And this was around the time I started seeing the psychiatrist, who was referred to me by a referral of my regular doc. Although he's extremely expensive, on my first visit to him he said to "completely eliminate" the anxiety by taking the Ativan 3x a day. Which I did for about a week, and when I went back to him, all was well in my mind -- the anxiety had almost completely gone except for very minor exceptions.
This was the weekend that I visited Dixon in June and saw Sam and Noah -- and family. For Father's day. It was a good weekend.
When I got back he recommended starting me on a drug called Remeron, which is an anti-depressant but also anti-anxiety in lower doses. After considering it for a while, I decided to go with the Remeron. I wouldn't be completely off the Ativan as he still suggested I take it when I needed it, but this time he said zero to two times daily. Which I did, as he directed, although by this time I was so paranoid about being dependent or addicted to it that I didn't take them "as-needed", but more like "as-needed but maybe". So I cut down to one a day, which didn't eliminate all the anxiety, but mostly did in the evening hours. In the morning however I was pretty bad and would wake up really early, usually with disturbing nightmares and sometimes in fear, lay in bed until 10 or 11, go into work and not be able to focus very well.
Every day I would go online and google up anything related to my condition. This helped some; as I read stories of recovery but I also come across horror stories, symptoms that only scare me more and more.
So I've been trying to cut down on the googling, but it's not easy. It seems like every day I do it, even when I don't want to. My mind starts with the racing thoughts, and I can't stop them. I try the breathing exercises, and it helps sometimes, but other times not. Sometimes I can't concentrate on work and spend hours without doing anything but mull over myself and worry.
My biggest problem now is that it's been over a month and I feel as if I've become dependent on the Ativan to feel good. Although I have told this to my psych, he tells me that "I cannot become addicted" but I also don't know if I fully trust him.. I mean.. a second opinion is in due order.
WHAT I HAVE ACHIEVED:
-Less overall anxiety. Still a nervous wreck possibly dependent on my meds.
-Completely eliminated caffeine. Cut down drastically on soda.
-Started going to a local church -- because a lot of my anxiety has caused me to kind of do a lot of painful soul-searching. Not only that but I felt I needed the community. I haven't really been there too much, only a couple of Sundays, but it's a start I guess.
-Started exercising again -- but not as regularly as I should. I am working on this.
-met a girl in my non-credit writing class -- we went out on one "date" -- well, I wouldn't call it a "date" as we ended up eating Subs and having conversation in a parking lot. But it was a very good conversation.
I don't know if she wants to see me again -- I emailed her and asked her out, but she told me she was busy all week, and that she'd give me a call next week (which would be this upcoming week).
So I left her my phone #s... I don't know if she'll get back to me, but I can only hope. And no, I didn't tell her about my meds. I doubt she'd want to date a nervous wreck.
THINGS I SHOULD NOT DO:
-Worry about everything -- but this is not easy since sometimes I have the racing thoughts over and over and over about EVERYTHING.
-Google everything and anything... but it's not easy also. I lose my train of thought, am unable to focus on work, and because of that I am now behind on my projects.
THINGS I SHOULD DO:
-My psych says I am too isolated. He says I need more people in my life. But it's so hard to meet people out here... at times I just want to quit my job and move back home, even if it means being unemployed.
I'm really confused about everything that's going on -- if I move now it could add to the stress and make my condition even worse. Not only that but I might have to live with my parents at home, being completely dependent on them, which may even make me worse. At the same time... if I stay, I have financial stability and a job. But I'm detached from everybody. I am alone -- selfish too I guess, and also really fucked up.
I believe I can beat this thing. I want to get through this and just be my old self again. Or maybe I need to "find myself" in the process. All I know is that I want this shitstorm to be over...
7/2/05: A good day. Took 1/2 Ativan in the morning, went to company picnic, played volleyball. Went to eye doctor for an eye exam -- going to get new glasses on the 14th! Went shopping. Exercised, went home did some writing, went to bed. One of the best days in a long time.
7/3/05: Today is my brother's birthday. I am going to call my family later. I got up really early, and laid in bed trying to calm myself and my anxiety until about noon. I got up and did some laundry. Took 1/2 Ativan and went to work, didn't do any actual work but started writing in this journal.
I need to focus on getting up and into work earlier, if I can. The mornings are rough, because most of the time it's hard to just get out of bed.