Am I already gone?

[mikiya2200]

Rating: PG-13
Characters: Sam

Pairing: gen / no pairing
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys, I don't own the car and I will give them back as soon as I'm finished with them.
Word Count: ~3.000

Summary: For the second time in my life I'm forced to become someone that I'm not, Sam-the-hunter is slowly being rebuilt into Sam-the-demon and no matter how

Comments

[ghostfour]

This just makes me sad for Sam all over again. Because yes, Dean's deal left Sam in the worst possible position, and took away his choice *again*. And all anyone ever sees is Dean's sacrifice (which was a sacrifice) but never that Dean *also* took what he felt was the *lesser* of too pains (hell vs living as the last Winchester) and left Sam dealing with being alone. I'm not so much faulting Dean for making the deal, as with his refusal to admit what that deal did to Sam. Sam *chose* to die human and clean - he could have killed Jake and been YED's favorite, but he chose *not* to. And as understandable as Dean;s deal was, it still stole that choice away from Sam, left him alone and vulnerable and a little less human than he had been.

Sam spent those months in his own form of hell, complete with demons, pain, and the knowledge that it was never going to end... that this was his exsistance now. and forever.

and while my heart breaks for Dean, coming back from that, the fact that Sam never opened his mouth, never put that extra burden on dean when he came back, even though he was drowning in it...that just kills me. And every time I heard dean confessing his pain, basically begging Sam to fix him (when he did it to himself) my heart broke *for Sam*- because he couldn't, because he would want to, because he was just as fucked up as dean, because Sam never made it back from Hell. Even sitting together, when Dean was crying on the impala, Sam was looking at him from his own personal hell. And, in a lot of was, Sam's still there.

Okay, sorry, too much talking, and you already know how I feel about this stuff. ;) Good job pulling it all back up again. ;)

[mikiya2200]

You know, this "never opening his mouth" and really telling Dean what that deal did to *him* (or even blaming him for it), that's really one of Sam's "qualities" that I can't take anymore. Not when Dean, at the same time, goes on and on and on blaming Sam for the stuff he did. I don't want them fighting, not anymore, I've had enough of this, but the fact that Sam just accepts and accepts and accepts... Really, no more of that. That's why I *needed* to write this, that's why I needed him, at least once, to think back and realize that not everything was his fault. It's too sad that he never, ever says something like that on the show, but... well, you already know what I think about *that* so there's nothing new I can tell you... ;)

Anyway, I don't think I'd write something like this, now, two years after the fourth season, but it's nice to see where my head was at that time, brings back a lot of memories...