Moving forward.

[mikiedoggie]

So it's been a very long time since I posted.

Ending things

Since my last entry, there's been a lot of changes.  I had broken up with my partner of almost a decade, John, back in February 2018.  We had a "good" breakup, or so I thought at the time.

Comments

[mikiedoggie]

The new place is definitely coming along. Always something to do; always something to fix.

As to the two years, I am specifically talking about the situation with John and Matt. Many years ago, John had a prior affair on me with a young, hot thing when he moved to Chicago. I knew right away, it was so obvious. He lied to me when I talked to him about it, even when it was clear he was lying. He literally entered the guy's name as "Aunt Mary" or something like that, in case I saw a text notification pop up. We went to couple's therapy and things got better. About six months after that incident he was asleep and his phone lit up. It was a text from the guy - John had gotten drunk and told him "I love you." At that point, I knew John didn't love him. I knew it was over between them. I let it go. I knew John was good at self-sabotaging.

We had five good years after that, thanks to therapy. But now, I recognize that John was lying to me about anything and everything when it suits his purposes for the whole time we were together. That's sad. And that's on him.

I can honestly tell you I haven't forgiven myself, but that's because there's nothing to forgive myself about. Whatever valid concerns John had about my behavior and imperfections in our relationship are moot. I made a choice to trust John. I talked to him and Matt about some concerns I had as they were starting to spend more time together. I chose to trust them. The sheer level of deceit on both their parts, for so long, goes to issues far beyond anything I can even understand. I can honestly tell you, I see my issues involving trust as a strength, not a weakness. It is on them for taking advantage of that and manipulating me to such an extent.

I'm stilling doing photography here and there; lots of work fires in the new position I took at my current firm in February and long hours again. But I am keeping busy with friends, cooking, and hobbies. I am thinking of getting a scuba certification this summer.