(no subject)
I contemplated writing a long entry as to describe why the long hiatus and more so how much my life has changed since I last wrote in this thing but being that I am only writing in this again for the sake of myself, I kind of remember all too clearly what has changed since I last wrote in here and quite frankly, although life changing, I care not to share it or relive it. What has happened, has happened... and nothing I can say or do will make things better or even so worse. Sometimes, many times i wish I was able to tell my side to someone who would just listen to it, not to make them understand, or to feel at all justified for what I have done but just so someone would know the whole story. The story, I honestly believe no one will ever hear because I refuse to tell it. I refuse to tell it simply because I do not like having what has happened "justified" or given "meaning". What the past year or so has brought me was a lot of life. Reality, things I never wanted to face but never wanted to hide. Given that it has been over 2 years I am assuming no one will immediately read this but I would be a fool to think no one will ever, Ive leaned that only secrets NEVER shared in any form will remain secrets.
Its a shame that I cannot even read my past entries because everything in them, good or bad, feels tainted by the situation. I see the person I was and realize how it all has been cheapened by everything else. Ive clearly begun to say my goodbyes to what was and have begun to move on but wish I could. Its hard to be happy in the future when you yourself have determined to make sure that it wont be easy to move on from the past. Almost a year and a half has passed and it still burns everyday. I find it hard to get through the day sometimes and its not like the "im so depressed I dont want to live" hard to get through the day, far from that. Its more like everything in my life has become a what if and I hate it with every fiber of my being. I see people living for just the sake of it and some even enjoying it and I can because everything for me is a what if I did this different how would this current moment be and honestly it keeps me frozen sometimes. Stuck on stupid that I cant seem to interact with people I just cant function because I get so stuck in my head that nothing seems to come out of it. I used to live my life so stuck in the future that nothing could stop me in the present and I was happy. Now I cant seem to get my head out of the past that the future doesn't seem like it exists. Dont get me wrong (whoever you might be) I am happy, I have a lot of things to be grateful for and my life in the present is great. But its myself I seem to be displeased with and I hate that because I cant find any real reason to be.
Part of me wants to sit here and just write about how my life has changed even more so in the past almost 3 months and and how happy it makes me, but then the guilt sets in. I really cant be happy when I feel like I am not allowed to be. Or more so shouldn't be allowed to be, I know she suffers and I know, once the cure, I am now the cause and I dont find it fair. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and even that makes me feel guilty because I start to wonder, is it because I would feel less guilty if i knew she found happiness after all the pain I caused. And there comes more guilt. I once felt like such a good person, would do anything to hurt myself for the chance of keeping others from feeling hurt, Although I often hated myself for it, at the end of the day I was pleased knowing I tried, a little sacrifice so things could be ok. And even though many times I swore to myself I would never be weak and give in, and I would never ever be the one to cause the pain I did. Even though every sign was telling me I couldn't live like that forever, I decided to test the odds and say I could be that one who truly could. And I failed, miserably and until it was too late, did I realize I was not taking a chance risking myself, I was risking you, and I lost you. Maybe its a shame and makes me an asshole that I wasn't so deathly afraid of losing us but I was afraid of losing you.
We all make mistakes, it is true. And that is one thing I will keep in mind that everyone could judge me all they want and even though I couldn't at first, I can now easily shrug it off because no one really knows the whole story, despite what they think they know, read, saw, heard, hacked... its still no where near the truth. Sometimes I try to even remind myself of the whole story and I cannot because parts are lost, many do not even want to be remembered.
Whatever... I dont even know how I got into all this mumbo jumbo conversation with myself, I kind of only came on here to post a quote I came across and liked and twitter felt it was too long to post.
"Straight Americans need... an education of the heart and soul. They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul. "
Its a shame that I cannot even read my past entries because everything in them, good or bad, feels tainted by the situation. I see the person I was and realize how it all has been cheapened by everything else. Ive clearly begun to say my goodbyes to what was and have begun to move on but wish I could. Its hard to be happy in the future when you yourself have determined to make sure that it wont be easy to move on from the past. Almost a year and a half has passed and it still burns everyday. I find it hard to get through the day sometimes and its not like the "im so depressed I dont want to live" hard to get through the day, far from that. Its more like everything in my life has become a what if and I hate it with every fiber of my being. I see people living for just the sake of it and some even enjoying it and I can because everything for me is a what if I did this different how would this current moment be and honestly it keeps me frozen sometimes. Stuck on stupid that I cant seem to interact with people I just cant function because I get so stuck in my head that nothing seems to come out of it. I used to live my life so stuck in the future that nothing could stop me in the present and I was happy. Now I cant seem to get my head out of the past that the future doesn't seem like it exists. Dont get me wrong (whoever you might be) I am happy, I have a lot of things to be grateful for and my life in the present is great. But its myself I seem to be displeased with and I hate that because I cant find any real reason to be.
Part of me wants to sit here and just write about how my life has changed even more so in the past almost 3 months and and how happy it makes me, but then the guilt sets in. I really cant be happy when I feel like I am not allowed to be. Or more so shouldn't be allowed to be, I know she suffers and I know, once the cure, I am now the cause and I dont find it fair. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and even that makes me feel guilty because I start to wonder, is it because I would feel less guilty if i knew she found happiness after all the pain I caused. And there comes more guilt. I once felt like such a good person, would do anything to hurt myself for the chance of keeping others from feeling hurt, Although I often hated myself for it, at the end of the day I was pleased knowing I tried, a little sacrifice so things could be ok. And even though many times I swore to myself I would never be weak and give in, and I would never ever be the one to cause the pain I did. Even though every sign was telling me I couldn't live like that forever, I decided to test the odds and say I could be that one who truly could. And I failed, miserably and until it was too late, did I realize I was not taking a chance risking myself, I was risking you, and I lost you. Maybe its a shame and makes me an asshole that I wasn't so deathly afraid of losing us but I was afraid of losing you.
We all make mistakes, it is true. And that is one thing I will keep in mind that everyone could judge me all they want and even though I couldn't at first, I can now easily shrug it off because no one really knows the whole story, despite what they think they know, read, saw, heard, hacked... its still no where near the truth. Sometimes I try to even remind myself of the whole story and I cannot because parts are lost, many do not even want to be remembered.
Whatever... I dont even know how I got into all this mumbo jumbo conversation with myself, I kind of only came on here to post a quote I came across and liked and twitter felt it was too long to post.
"Straight Americans need... an education of the heart and soul. They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul. "