Ugh...
I haven't updated in a long time... and I'm sorry. I am going to be updating a lot from now on because I think it will help me go through some of the issues I've been having.
Here's the jist of what's going on:
I don't feel like me... I don't want to do anything anymore. Mikey wants to go hang out with friends, and I make excuses not to go, or not to stay long; or if we do go, and leave Rylan home, I ask how long we'll be gone. I know that with a baby we can't just pick up and go, it's not that easy anymore, and I get that, but what I want to know is why I can't bring myself to do any of the things I used to do. Like we used to go riding all the time, and we have 2 sets of VERY willing grandparents to watch him, but I don't take advantage of it because there's just something inside me that can't. I don't know if it's normal mommy feelings or if there is something deeper there.
I don't feel attractive anymore, and I don't feel like even trying to do anything with DH because of it. I know this is probably WAY TMI, but I can't help it. You girls have been there since the beginning for me, and I know you'll give it to me honestly. I knew when we had Rylan things would change, but I didn't understand that it would take such a drastic dip. None of my clothes fit, because I barely eat, while I still eat, it's just not a lot and sometimes only once a day. I want clothes that fit, I want to look pretty again. I want my husband to want me (I know he does, but it my mind, it seems like the opposite).
I've been debating about seeing the Dr about this... I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I need to figure it out, or I'm going to continue to have off days, like the one I had today, where I began to cry mid-dinner because my dad asked me what was wrong. I can't even explain it because I cry... and it's not just a boo hoo cry, it's a can't breathe, freaking out, scared to death cry.
I'm scared of my OB referring me to a counselor because I'm hard headed but in order to fix things you have to listen right? And I am just soooo scared to do that, I hate hearing all the things that are wrong with me... but I can't keep feeling like this either. And I'm more terrified of medicine, I don't want to be turned into a Zombie, I need to function for my son.
Here's the jist of what's going on:
I don't feel like me... I don't want to do anything anymore. Mikey wants to go hang out with friends, and I make excuses not to go, or not to stay long; or if we do go, and leave Rylan home, I ask how long we'll be gone. I know that with a baby we can't just pick up and go, it's not that easy anymore, and I get that, but what I want to know is why I can't bring myself to do any of the things I used to do. Like we used to go riding all the time, and we have 2 sets of VERY willing grandparents to watch him, but I don't take advantage of it because there's just something inside me that can't. I don't know if it's normal mommy feelings or if there is something deeper there.
I don't feel attractive anymore, and I don't feel like even trying to do anything with DH because of it. I know this is probably WAY TMI, but I can't help it. You girls have been there since the beginning for me, and I know you'll give it to me honestly. I knew when we had Rylan things would change, but I didn't understand that it would take such a drastic dip. None of my clothes fit, because I barely eat, while I still eat, it's just not a lot and sometimes only once a day. I want clothes that fit, I want to look pretty again. I want my husband to want me (I know he does, but it my mind, it seems like the opposite).
I've been debating about seeing the Dr about this... I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I need to figure it out, or I'm going to continue to have off days, like the one I had today, where I began to cry mid-dinner because my dad asked me what was wrong. I can't even explain it because I cry... and it's not just a boo hoo cry, it's a can't breathe, freaking out, scared to death cry.
I'm scared of my OB referring me to a counselor because I'm hard headed but in order to fix things you have to listen right? And I am just soooo scared to do that, I hate hearing all the things that are wrong with me... but I can't keep feeling like this either. And I'm more terrified of medicine, I don't want to be turned into a Zombie, I need to function for my son.