Why Can't I Give Up the Ghosts Yet?
By that title, I don't mean my own ghost. I'm not ready to die, yet. But, I want the ghosts of the past gone. Not you, but my mistakes with you. I still miss you. Almost 6 years have passed by without you in my life and the hurt doesn't go away. One of my biggest mistakes in my whole life was letting go of our friendship. I sliced myself to shreds in the process. My faith has failed me. I still have some hope in God but it's not the same. I believe but the connection is severed with God like my connection with you is severed. I let both of these things happen. Both my fault. Not yours nor anyone else's. I'm haunted by what happened with you and I. The words I wrote. The drastic actions I took that I shouldn't have. The words I didn't speak out loud that I should have. We grew apart but we didn't need to break apart. I still need the pieces to be brought back together and I don't know how to make that happen. I feel like I can't do that. At least not alone. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I hurt me. If the pieces can never come back together half of me wishes I could have our friendship completely erased from my mind like that super sad movie we saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. As if a washed, wiped mind can be filled with constant sunshine rays. The other half of me wants to suffer the pain of always remembering that we had a very good run at being best friends for a good, long time. Until it all crashed down. Daggers to the heart for then, now and always!!!