now you know
So I got a couple days off. Here's the status. My platoon sargeant wants my application to be done before I get back to Virginia. I'm turning it in when I get back. And it just occurred to me how this will really will look. I'm guessing that they will probably decide not to hear me. But I'm trying to do this the right way. I have to say that if they do deny me, it is no fault of mine, and in which case I will have to simply quit working. I think now is a good time to say that I have, for quite sometime now, been dedicating most of my time to my own spirituality. Having become disconcerned with the circumstances and consequences of this life is just one point I have come to. Objecting to killing is another. Giving up drinking is another. But all others can see is what I have given up, not what I've gained. I been places within myself that I'll never give up, and I want to see more. I suppose this classifies me as a mystic. I don't know. But I realize how alot of this looks to other people, and I think some many have the wrong idea. Noone can feel what is inside me. If they could, I doubt anyone which question or second guess me. They would probably want to know more, also. And to know that everybody possesses something like what I have, or even something better, is what amazes me about humanity. This causes me to take my relationships very seriously. I'm not trying to be a rebel, I'm not trying to be different. I'm trying to be what I always was but which has been corrupted by my own reactions to the events and circumstances of my life. And this is something worth dedicating ones life to. I have heard that if you want to know God, you must know yourself, for God, as he is applicable to our life and the only place where he can be known, is within us. And this is what I'm doing. I don't believe in the authority of any man anymore. I find it very hard but very important for me to be disobedient if what is being told me is detrimental to my search. And so therefore I can only respect another man so much and I respect myself, which is to say that if I don't see a reason for others to owe me "proper customs and courtesies" (meaning a generic greeting and gesture of the hand or body reflecting nothing of what the individual at the time is feeling and thus masking true communication and a better chance at the amelioration of a relationship between two equal human beings) then I should not owe them that, either. I do this, though, out of fear of being reprimanded and hurting my future circumstances. And in this I am dissapointed in myself. Which is why I'm trying do this right, because I still have that option. But if I am denied, I feel that I must let everything of this organization go. That is to say, I will no longer refer to myself as a Marine, or Lance Corporal Young, and I'm thinking about not even wearing the uniform anymore. I know this sounds like rebellion but I'm not angry, I'm merely fighting for myself. This is about the time when people say that I'm ridiculous and crazy. I understand that. But to me, that's Christianity and that is where I am supposed to be. Those are my thoughts for the day.