Fuck it.
Yesterday one of my best friends came round for a cup of tea - and to tell me he was diagnosed HIV+ a week ago with a CD4 count of 58 - so he must have had it for a few years. He hadn't had a test for 5 years, but figured he didn't need one.
He hasn't told anyone else yet, and I advised him not to.
As with so many guys I know, he can't figure it out - he's been a volunteer for various safe-sex stuff for years, handing out condoms at events, helping guys in the bad old days when we got so sick, he simply cannot remember any incident when he had unsafe sex. But as I said to him maybe a condom broke and he didn't know - that does happen. But it's still hard to deal with, And for him there is an illogical but inescapably feeling of having failed to live up to his own ideals.
And on Saturday, a young friend, in his early 20s, told me he'd had bareback sex for the first time ever a few weeks ago and is now terrified he has HIV. I offered to go and be with him when he has his test.
I feel numb. I am sick of HIV. I hate the way it takes up so much space in my life. I hate what it has done to my friends, my community and to the millions of others around the world I have no connection with except this fucking virus.
I wish I didn't have to sit down at my desk and re-read interviews with HIV+ men for my PhD - I am tired of thinking and writing about it.
But I will keep going, but right now, I'm not that happy.
He hasn't told anyone else yet, and I advised him not to.
As with so many guys I know, he can't figure it out - he's been a volunteer for various safe-sex stuff for years, handing out condoms at events, helping guys in the bad old days when we got so sick, he simply cannot remember any incident when he had unsafe sex. But as I said to him maybe a condom broke and he didn't know - that does happen. But it's still hard to deal with, And for him there is an illogical but inescapably feeling of having failed to live up to his own ideals.
And on Saturday, a young friend, in his early 20s, told me he'd had bareback sex for the first time ever a few weeks ago and is now terrified he has HIV. I offered to go and be with him when he has his test.
I feel numb. I am sick of HIV. I hate the way it takes up so much space in my life. I hate what it has done to my friends, my community and to the millions of others around the world I have no connection with except this fucking virus.
I wish I didn't have to sit down at my desk and re-read interviews with HIV+ men for my PhD - I am tired of thinking and writing about it.
But I will keep going, but right now, I'm not that happy.