Have I made a mistake?
That is the question I have been dealing with lately. And it's in regards to the whole PhD thing, and aiming for academia, and thinking about my future. Is this really what I want to be doing with my life?
I came back to uni as part of my recovery from HIV - and it has been very good to me in that way.I doubted I'd be alive to finish my MA, but I did that. Uni gave me an environment where I could do interesting things, and my teaching skills are valued, as is my intelligence. But my Phd feels like an albatross round my neck, not something I like or want to engage with. Maybe picking HIV as a topic was a mistake.
Financially I am having the worst year of my life - and I wonder if this is what I went through all that shit for, to be in debt, struggling, with no clear career ahead.
And like many long-term survivors, I still find it hard to really trust I have a future - there is a voice in my head that says "You could still get sick and die in 12 months..." and dealing with that makes it harder to embrace a positive future.
So I don't know , and don't expect answers from here - but if I'm going to be around for maybe 10 more years, am I setting myself up in the best way for it? Or should I cut my losses and try for something else. this is the question I'm grappling with, and unsure about.
I came back to uni as part of my recovery from HIV - and it has been very good to me in that way.I doubted I'd be alive to finish my MA, but I did that. Uni gave me an environment where I could do interesting things, and my teaching skills are valued, as is my intelligence. But my Phd feels like an albatross round my neck, not something I like or want to engage with. Maybe picking HIV as a topic was a mistake.
Financially I am having the worst year of my life - and I wonder if this is what I went through all that shit for, to be in debt, struggling, with no clear career ahead.
And like many long-term survivors, I still find it hard to really trust I have a future - there is a voice in my head that says "You could still get sick and die in 12 months..." and dealing with that makes it harder to embrace a positive future.
So I don't know , and don't expect answers from here - but if I'm going to be around for maybe 10 more years, am I setting myself up in the best way for it? Or should I cut my losses and try for something else. this is the question I'm grappling with, and unsure about.