First of a series of introspective posts
Hey.
I know most of us barely check this website, and outside of RSS and Ashton's Tweets, this website has mostly died out and been replaced with other forms of social media (and honestly, lately we've all been in better touch as of recent).
If you'd indulge me, what I'd like to do for a couple of posts is just kind of free write about some topics that I have had in my head since my recent break-up.
I'll keep them LJ cut so it doesn't rape your walls (insert that's what she said joke here), and I don't expect anyone to really read it but at the very least it will be cathartic and therapeutic for me. (Just in case I ever show these posts to others outside of LJ, I'm going to alter names any of the people involved in the posts)
Post #1: Is Love Enough?
There comes a point when you're dating in which you question any possibility of longevity in the relationship. Depending on your ideals and values that will lead to a decision which may entail very serious life changes such as children, marriage, or at the very least co-habitation. It this critical junction that tests the very fabric of a large number of relationships. The aforementioned activities involve a great deal of personal sacrifice and actually defy our human and animal instincts in favor of a "union" that is very peculiar in nature. The reality is that very few species mate for life, and certainly we have to be the only species that is involved in so many personality issues that have nothing to do with mating compatibility.
Back to my original question: Is Love Enough?
The short answer is no.
The long answer is that on it's own it cannot hold a relationship together. In my recent breakup with Jessica, I realized that you can absolutely and completely love someone and you still can't save a relationship that is nearing it's end. Being in love is way more complex than anything I can even fathom describing and I won't try where scholars have failed.
Something that is important that I had overlooked for so very long is the value of basic compatibility of partners. I don't believe that you have to be totally and utterly a mirror image of your partner. I don't believe that someone else can "complete" you. What I do believe, and what I'm going to strive for from now on is someone who compliments you.
There has to be, at least, a base understanding and appreciation of each others wants and needs in a relationship. If you are into sports, video games, shopping, animals or any other type of thing that people are passionate about, your partner has to at least be mindful of these things. Jessica was a HUGE animal lover and while I was not as big of one as her, I tried to appreciate, participate (very important...participate!) and even indulge in her passion. What drove a wedge directly into our relationship is that there was very little reciprocation in the other direction.
I don't want to play the blame game like it was totally Jessica's fault that we broke up, because I certainly do hold a substantial portion of blame. However, it was no secret that I had to live two lives: one that involved Jessica, and one that did not. There was a physical wedge/wall in between the biggest and most important thing that I loved (Jessica) and the vast majority of the other things that I loved. In order for me to enjoy my other passions, Jessica just could not be involved. This situation is not one which fosters strength in a relationship, it's one in which built up resentment and feelings of loneliness and despair begin to flourish and grow.
This speaks to more fundamental issues in the relationship when it comes to personal space and time apart in a relationship, but being more narrowly focused, a great deal of our relationship issues stemmed from the above facts. It was a consistent vein in which arguments would begin and it eventually spelled the doom of our relationship. There was an irreparable point in our relationship that I came to, and at that moment the relationship could not move any farther. It is my firm belief that if you are not willing to take one of those "next steps" in a relationship after a number of years, it's time to part ways.
A relationship that lasts is built upon compromise, understanding, and basic compatibility. Couples with varying political/social/morals are usually doomed from the start. It's certainly possible that those relationships could theoretically work, but honestly my concern would be "for how long?". From there if the basic criteria fall in line, there must exist a balance between time spent enjoying your own personal passions, and time spent with your significant other. The strongest relationships are going to be the ones in which the partners begin to indulge in each others passions. You don't have to enjoy EVERYTHING your partner does, but if you can at least participate or acknowledge the fact that there will be a part of your partner's life you will not be participating in....your relationship will be much stronger for it. Take my advice though and try to limit the number of activities in which your significant other will not be involved in to as few as possible, before the wedge begins to divide you.
You can still love someone.....but realize that love alone can't make your relationship work. Only YOU can make your relationship work. It's going to be difficult, taxing, aggravating but ALWAYS worth the effort.
Placeholder for next post idea : Falling out of love
I know most of us barely check this website, and outside of RSS and Ashton's Tweets, this website has mostly died out and been replaced with other forms of social media (and honestly, lately we've all been in better touch as of recent).
If you'd indulge me, what I'd like to do for a couple of posts is just kind of free write about some topics that I have had in my head since my recent break-up.
I'll keep them LJ cut so it doesn't rape your walls (insert that's what she said joke here), and I don't expect anyone to really read it but at the very least it will be cathartic and therapeutic for me. (Just in case I ever show these posts to others outside of LJ, I'm going to alter names any of the people involved in the posts)
Post #1: Is Love Enough?
There comes a point when you're dating in which you question any possibility of longevity in the relationship. Depending on your ideals and values that will lead to a decision which may entail very serious life changes such as children, marriage, or at the very least co-habitation. It this critical junction that tests the very fabric of a large number of relationships. The aforementioned activities involve a great deal of personal sacrifice and actually defy our human and animal instincts in favor of a "union" that is very peculiar in nature. The reality is that very few species mate for life, and certainly we have to be the only species that is involved in so many personality issues that have nothing to do with mating compatibility.
Back to my original question: Is Love Enough?
The short answer is no.
The long answer is that on it's own it cannot hold a relationship together. In my recent breakup with Jessica, I realized that you can absolutely and completely love someone and you still can't save a relationship that is nearing it's end. Being in love is way more complex than anything I can even fathom describing and I won't try where scholars have failed.
Something that is important that I had overlooked for so very long is the value of basic compatibility of partners. I don't believe that you have to be totally and utterly a mirror image of your partner. I don't believe that someone else can "complete" you. What I do believe, and what I'm going to strive for from now on is someone who compliments you.
There has to be, at least, a base understanding and appreciation of each others wants and needs in a relationship. If you are into sports, video games, shopping, animals or any other type of thing that people are passionate about, your partner has to at least be mindful of these things. Jessica was a HUGE animal lover and while I was not as big of one as her, I tried to appreciate, participate (very important...participate!) and even indulge in her passion. What drove a wedge directly into our relationship is that there was very little reciprocation in the other direction.
I don't want to play the blame game like it was totally Jessica's fault that we broke up, because I certainly do hold a substantial portion of blame. However, it was no secret that I had to live two lives: one that involved Jessica, and one that did not. There was a physical wedge/wall in between the biggest and most important thing that I loved (Jessica) and the vast majority of the other things that I loved. In order for me to enjoy my other passions, Jessica just could not be involved. This situation is not one which fosters strength in a relationship, it's one in which built up resentment and feelings of loneliness and despair begin to flourish and grow.
This speaks to more fundamental issues in the relationship when it comes to personal space and time apart in a relationship, but being more narrowly focused, a great deal of our relationship issues stemmed from the above facts. It was a consistent vein in which arguments would begin and it eventually spelled the doom of our relationship. There was an irreparable point in our relationship that I came to, and at that moment the relationship could not move any farther. It is my firm belief that if you are not willing to take one of those "next steps" in a relationship after a number of years, it's time to part ways.
A relationship that lasts is built upon compromise, understanding, and basic compatibility. Couples with varying political/social/morals are usually doomed from the start. It's certainly possible that those relationships could theoretically work, but honestly my concern would be "for how long?". From there if the basic criteria fall in line, there must exist a balance between time spent enjoying your own personal passions, and time spent with your significant other. The strongest relationships are going to be the ones in which the partners begin to indulge in each others passions. You don't have to enjoy EVERYTHING your partner does, but if you can at least participate or acknowledge the fact that there will be a part of your partner's life you will not be participating in....your relationship will be much stronger for it. Take my advice though and try to limit the number of activities in which your significant other will not be involved in to as few as possible, before the wedge begins to divide you.
You can still love someone.....but realize that love alone can't make your relationship work. Only YOU can make your relationship work. It's going to be difficult, taxing, aggravating but ALWAYS worth the effort.
Placeholder for next post idea : Falling out of love