Cemetary Gates
December 29th pretty much decided how the rest of my year was gunna be. Shitty. Around 3pm, I found out my grandfather has cancer pretty much all over him. The only place he doesnt have it is his kidneys, and it is getting there fast. He has less than 2 months to live. Caitlyn was there with me when I called my mom at work and told her. Just about everyone in the family knows, and the only people that have been there to see him are: Frieda(stepgrandmother), Linda(Aunt), Mom,Aaron, Caitlyn, and Me. I understand why my uncle in Texas hasnt, but none of his other kids have. What is fucking wrong with them. I realize hospitals suck, but do they not care that their own father is fucking dying?
When we went to go see him on wed, he looked like hell. It is understandable he just got out of surgery. He didnt know at that time. He looked at me and tried to speak but couldnt. He often dozes in and out of sleep. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Look at him and know that he is dying, and he doesnt know. He is ready for it, he has told me many times. It still hurts.
Yesterday we went in and he looked a little bit better, but you could still tell that he hurt. He was still dozing in and out of sleep. He could talk a little bit more, but not very much. He knew we were there. He now knows what is going on. He wont tell us that, but I know. My mom asked him if the doctor talked to him and he said yes. Mom asked him what he said, and he asked about the snow outside. He doesnt think we know, and he doesnt want us to know.
My grandfather is the strongest man I know. He fucking fought the nazi's for christ sake. I owe him a lot. If it wasnt for him, I really do not think I would have made it out of high school or into college. He worked so hard to make sure that I get into college. While I was in Texas, all I wanted was for him to see me graduate high school. He knows I did, but he didnt see it. I know that is selfish but, I just want him to see the video of me graduating before he passes away. Im not ready to lose him, but I know that isnt up to me, or anyone else.
Anyone who knows me, knows that Caitlyn, my little sister is the closest person to me in the world. She is my best friend also. She is only 8 years old. This is the first time in her short life that she has had to deal with death. Last night she asked me what cancer is. Then she asked "Why does papaw have to die" I broke down in tears after that. Answering those two questions are the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
I am tired of holding back tears so, I am gunna go. Sorry for such a shitty update, but thats how life is. I am going back to Terre Haute monday, so I wont have access to a computer until, I dont know when.
When we went to go see him on wed, he looked like hell. It is understandable he just got out of surgery. He didnt know at that time. He looked at me and tried to speak but couldnt. He often dozes in and out of sleep. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Look at him and know that he is dying, and he doesnt know. He is ready for it, he has told me many times. It still hurts.
Yesterday we went in and he looked a little bit better, but you could still tell that he hurt. He was still dozing in and out of sleep. He could talk a little bit more, but not very much. He knew we were there. He now knows what is going on. He wont tell us that, but I know. My mom asked him if the doctor talked to him and he said yes. Mom asked him what he said, and he asked about the snow outside. He doesnt think we know, and he doesnt want us to know.
My grandfather is the strongest man I know. He fucking fought the nazi's for christ sake. I owe him a lot. If it wasnt for him, I really do not think I would have made it out of high school or into college. He worked so hard to make sure that I get into college. While I was in Texas, all I wanted was for him to see me graduate high school. He knows I did, but he didnt see it. I know that is selfish but, I just want him to see the video of me graduating before he passes away. Im not ready to lose him, but I know that isnt up to me, or anyone else.
Anyone who knows me, knows that Caitlyn, my little sister is the closest person to me in the world. She is my best friend also. She is only 8 years old. This is the first time in her short life that she has had to deal with death. Last night she asked me what cancer is. Then she asked "Why does papaw have to die" I broke down in tears after that. Answering those two questions are the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
I am tired of holding back tears so, I am gunna go. Sorry for such a shitty update, but thats how life is. I am going back to Terre Haute monday, so I wont have access to a computer until, I dont know when.