infinitus caelum
It took me a long time to get a short distance tonite, and it made me miss many things.
Not that long ago I wrote a short psuedo-poem in my LJ about leaving. in fact, it was my first return to LJ in 6 months, and marked the beginning of renewed LJ activity for me. anyways, the subtext of what i was trying to say is that life is about journeys and about not being complacent. in order to be happy you cant always sit still, even when things are going well. You should always be looking for where to go next, and have the guts and determination to follow through with going there. That really can apply to metaphysical as well as physical locations in life, and sometimes applies to both.
I'm not going to lie. My journey to new york was as much about my mental state as it was about physically going someplace different. I felt that I had been in a significant rut at the time I left. I felt like I had regressed significantly. I was in a valley in-between the great time/personal growth I had been experiencing in college and the future... the rest of my life. that was unacceptable for me. I wont blame anyone or anything besides myself for the rut, but I did feel like there were many, many things, and yes, people, that I had to get away from for awhile.
It's been just about a year since my decision to move to NY.
So many things have happened since then, that I wouldnt ever be able to capture them all, but I did come away from things thus far with several realizations about California.
First, my family and I are as close as we've probably ever been despite the physical distance. My Dad was surprisingly supportive, and more understanding than I've often given him credit for... not only in the move, but in all the things that have happened to me while here. My Mom showed alot of strength, although I know it is very hard on her to have me out on my own. And my sisters... well, they ended up being pretty good sisters after all.
Second, I miss all my friends a hell of a lot more than I thought I would.
Third, I miss the freedom of having "like minded" people around. Film buffs/aspiring film makers, people into the same kinds of music as me, people into the same hobbies, people on the same schedules, going through the same things in life. I've become good friends with many people out here, and while even though many of them are going through the same things I am, sometimes it is still just hard to relate. And on top of that, i don't have the creative resources I had out there to pursue ideas and projects the way I want to more and more.
Fourth... well, fourth is private.
So i guess where I'm going with this is to say that I noticed something on my walk home tonite that maybe I had forgotten. I looked up at the night sky for a change and just gazed at it. It has been a really long time since I'd done that, probably not my entire time in NY. You get so caught up in the moment that you forget about the bigger picture in life.
The sky reminded me of my trips back to Chico. 525 miles. "Back to" is important tho. The trips from Chico to home were always about "the arriving." Seeing family, friends (specifically Jordan), having plans and things to do... anticipation. in other words, the destination, the people. The trip home was usually frantic, fast, and deliberate. The trips back to Chico tho... were about the reflection on time spent, on life, on the future and the bigger picture. On what was lost, on what was gained. On freedom. On love. On heartbreak. On everything. On nothing but the night sky, the road and me. and the stars.
Several times on those trips I had stopped to just admire the sky. In the heart of California, the sky goes on forever and the stars aren't blocked by the city lights. You can pull off just about anywhere and sit there for hours undisturbed if you wanted, soaking the sky in. And I did want to. And because I was leaving instead of arriving, I had all the time in the world.
There is so much beauty in the world if only we stop to look. Certainly New York City has a great deal of beauty in it. Everything from the impressive, astounding architecture of the unfathomable buildings to the simplicity of central park. But there is a big difference between admiring something beautiful and being awestruck by something that transcends beauty. For me that california night sky is one of those undefinable, breathtaking things, and is something I'm missing in New York City.
Very few other things fall into that category in my mind.... iconicly gorgeous... beyond beauty. Sunsets over the ocean. The reflection of the mountains and sky off the california desert after the rain has left it a giant mirror. And well, the fourth is private.
But all of these things are in California and not here. Consider this the counter-point to my post from the other day. I am a paradox... or better, as I once said before, "i am infinite definition in a finite repetition. "
Not that long ago I wrote a short psuedo-poem in my LJ about leaving. in fact, it was my first return to LJ in 6 months, and marked the beginning of renewed LJ activity for me. anyways, the subtext of what i was trying to say is that life is about journeys and about not being complacent. in order to be happy you cant always sit still, even when things are going well. You should always be looking for where to go next, and have the guts and determination to follow through with going there. That really can apply to metaphysical as well as physical locations in life, and sometimes applies to both.
I'm not going to lie. My journey to new york was as much about my mental state as it was about physically going someplace different. I felt that I had been in a significant rut at the time I left. I felt like I had regressed significantly. I was in a valley in-between the great time/personal growth I had been experiencing in college and the future... the rest of my life. that was unacceptable for me. I wont blame anyone or anything besides myself for the rut, but I did feel like there were many, many things, and yes, people, that I had to get away from for awhile.
It's been just about a year since my decision to move to NY.
So many things have happened since then, that I wouldnt ever be able to capture them all, but I did come away from things thus far with several realizations about California.
First, my family and I are as close as we've probably ever been despite the physical distance. My Dad was surprisingly supportive, and more understanding than I've often given him credit for... not only in the move, but in all the things that have happened to me while here. My Mom showed alot of strength, although I know it is very hard on her to have me out on my own. And my sisters... well, they ended up being pretty good sisters after all.
Second, I miss all my friends a hell of a lot more than I thought I would.
Third, I miss the freedom of having "like minded" people around. Film buffs/aspiring film makers, people into the same kinds of music as me, people into the same hobbies, people on the same schedules, going through the same things in life. I've become good friends with many people out here, and while even though many of them are going through the same things I am, sometimes it is still just hard to relate. And on top of that, i don't have the creative resources I had out there to pursue ideas and projects the way I want to more and more.
Fourth... well, fourth is private.
So i guess where I'm going with this is to say that I noticed something on my walk home tonite that maybe I had forgotten. I looked up at the night sky for a change and just gazed at it. It has been a really long time since I'd done that, probably not my entire time in NY. You get so caught up in the moment that you forget about the bigger picture in life.
The sky reminded me of my trips back to Chico. 525 miles. "Back to" is important tho. The trips from Chico to home were always about "the arriving." Seeing family, friends (specifically Jordan), having plans and things to do... anticipation. in other words, the destination, the people. The trip home was usually frantic, fast, and deliberate. The trips back to Chico tho... were about the reflection on time spent, on life, on the future and the bigger picture. On what was lost, on what was gained. On freedom. On love. On heartbreak. On everything. On nothing but the night sky, the road and me. and the stars.
Several times on those trips I had stopped to just admire the sky. In the heart of California, the sky goes on forever and the stars aren't blocked by the city lights. You can pull off just about anywhere and sit there for hours undisturbed if you wanted, soaking the sky in. And I did want to. And because I was leaving instead of arriving, I had all the time in the world.
There is so much beauty in the world if only we stop to look. Certainly New York City has a great deal of beauty in it. Everything from the impressive, astounding architecture of the unfathomable buildings to the simplicity of central park. But there is a big difference between admiring something beautiful and being awestruck by something that transcends beauty. For me that california night sky is one of those undefinable, breathtaking things, and is something I'm missing in New York City.
Very few other things fall into that category in my mind.... iconicly gorgeous... beyond beauty. Sunsets over the ocean. The reflection of the mountains and sky off the california desert after the rain has left it a giant mirror. And well, the fourth is private.
But all of these things are in California and not here. Consider this the counter-point to my post from the other day. I am a paradox... or better, as I once said before, "i am infinite definition in a finite repetition. "