Faith lacking...
I've recently found myself looking in. I've seen nothing that produces gratification. I have produced nothing over the last 6 months to show that I am responsible... relavent... alive. In fact, there is a negative effect when I dwell on things I've done (or haven't done) through those 6 months. I have not tried as hard as I should have in school. I'm struggling to keep my head above water. I have made no money to save for my future wife and I once we're wed. Indeed, I am in debt. I don't work. I have been unneccessarily distraught towards others, and have been affected with consequences that I can not take back. My insides are hollow, and it literally keeps me up at night. My diet is bad. My habits are unruly. I have not heard someone say 'thank you' to me for something I've done in a long time, only I've been the one to say it. (At least I say it, right?)
In the endless list that I am able to drudge through, but will save for myself, I am not distressed. I am delightfully awakened!!!
I don't care if this sounds cheap, but I have been reminded of God in my essential nature. In all the discontent I've so blindly dealt to others, I have thought of no one but God. It's like a warning light appeared in my heart, displaying "remember Me? Don't you think about what I think?".
I have been subconsciencely asking for forgiveness, which I don't deserve. It's time to submit my application for grace.
I decided today that I will say the rosary for as long as I feel that I've prayed enough to be worthy of God's graces. Not only for events that have occured over the last six month, but for any memory I have of regret, or unhappiness, or displeasure through life. And, I'm sure, for those who read this, this sounds feable, and you are sure I will forget about it in a week... like a phase... but, if I do, it will be one more phase I will have to pray for in my life. The power of prayer is not to be humbled or broken by any other fulfillment in life.
Times like these can only be surpassed and made the best of. I know I may not have much to show by the end of the strife, but at least there will be an end. I am determined by it. I will not waiver! I can't... or everything that I am dependable for, is lost.
I will make this life better, however it unfolds... For me, and the ones that love me.
Besides... I think God wouldn't want me to pray as much as He'd want me to study!
In the endless list that I am able to drudge through, but will save for myself, I am not distressed. I am delightfully awakened!!!
I don't care if this sounds cheap, but I have been reminded of God in my essential nature. In all the discontent I've so blindly dealt to others, I have thought of no one but God. It's like a warning light appeared in my heart, displaying "remember Me? Don't you think about what I think?".
I have been subconsciencely asking for forgiveness, which I don't deserve. It's time to submit my application for grace.
I decided today that I will say the rosary for as long as I feel that I've prayed enough to be worthy of God's graces. Not only for events that have occured over the last six month, but for any memory I have of regret, or unhappiness, or displeasure through life. And, I'm sure, for those who read this, this sounds feable, and you are sure I will forget about it in a week... like a phase... but, if I do, it will be one more phase I will have to pray for in my life. The power of prayer is not to be humbled or broken by any other fulfillment in life.
Times like these can only be surpassed and made the best of. I know I may not have much to show by the end of the strife, but at least there will be an end. I am determined by it. I will not waiver! I can't... or everything that I am dependable for, is lost.
I will make this life better, however it unfolds... For me, and the ones that love me.
Besides... I think God wouldn't want me to pray as much as He'd want me to study!