Into the flood again.. same old trip it was back then
You know how sometimes you set these goals for yourself, and you make all sorts of promises to meet them, and yet they keep sliding by? Ever feel that sometimes it is the only thing you can truly count on; your own lackluster attempt to meet your goals? What does that say about the kind of person I am? Unreliable? Who knows. Sometimes, I get the feeling from people that I'm unreliable. I'm starting to think that that is actually true. And, well frankly, I'm getting tired of missing my goals, watching them disappear upstream, as I lay across my paddle. I'm just sick of it. But how do you fix something like that? Like, just keep paddling until you are just numb everywhere? Of course that is it, but fuck. Who likes paddling upstream? I realize im sounding like a little bitch that can't cope, but maybe I am just a little bitch that can't cope.
Even when I was supremely motivated; motivated like I've never been before. I swear, it was all that I thought about forever, or wanted to talk about. How do I keep that going? That metaphorical steroid high going long enough for me to tap into? I wonder how much of a different person I would be if adhered to everything I said I would do. I swear I could be famous by then, or have loads of money.. or perhaps just rich in character. Sometimes I think I'm very shallow, or lacking personality. But I suppose we all are shallow to a certain extent, so I'm probably not far off.
My girlfriend the other day said I wasn't shy. I base my entire life around the fact that I am shy. (I know there are others out there that do, as well.) And that got me thinking I guess. Sometimes things can happen for twenty years, and you always thought they happend because of a certain way. Then, someone says something different, or gives their opinion, and it totally revamps your own opinion and thought patterns. It's really hard to explain. The physical explanation I can give you might make sense. It's as if you have always had this dam in your head, holding opinions in and forming them. Then, a series of small explosions happen, weakening the dam and allowing opinions and thoughts to flow through. This new land is fertile and empty, and it quickly flows and you realize everything, and sometimes you realize that you were wrong, and you look back on your life and you think of all the situations and sometimes you just kick yourself or dwell on them. I dwell alot on things that I did or didn't do.
I urge you, no matter who you are, if I've stopped talking to you or we havn't spoken, anything.. if you have read this, please respond and give me your own thoughts. My dams are getting a little overflowed at the moment.
One thing I did realize for myself is that you can't count on other people to make you happy, no matter how close you are to them. Yes, they can make you smile, laugh and/cry and any combination of the three at the same time... but they can't make you happy. I believe happyness comes from inside, and I think im a much better off perosn than I was a year ago.
You know, maybe I'm still paddling.. just a little slower than what I should be.
Keep on paddlin',
Mike ~
Even when I was supremely motivated; motivated like I've never been before. I swear, it was all that I thought about forever, or wanted to talk about. How do I keep that going? That metaphorical steroid high going long enough for me to tap into? I wonder how much of a different person I would be if adhered to everything I said I would do. I swear I could be famous by then, or have loads of money.. or perhaps just rich in character. Sometimes I think I'm very shallow, or lacking personality. But I suppose we all are shallow to a certain extent, so I'm probably not far off.
My girlfriend the other day said I wasn't shy. I base my entire life around the fact that I am shy. (I know there are others out there that do, as well.) And that got me thinking I guess. Sometimes things can happen for twenty years, and you always thought they happend because of a certain way. Then, someone says something different, or gives their opinion, and it totally revamps your own opinion and thought patterns. It's really hard to explain. The physical explanation I can give you might make sense. It's as if you have always had this dam in your head, holding opinions in and forming them. Then, a series of small explosions happen, weakening the dam and allowing opinions and thoughts to flow through. This new land is fertile and empty, and it quickly flows and you realize everything, and sometimes you realize that you were wrong, and you look back on your life and you think of all the situations and sometimes you just kick yourself or dwell on them. I dwell alot on things that I did or didn't do.
I urge you, no matter who you are, if I've stopped talking to you or we havn't spoken, anything.. if you have read this, please respond and give me your own thoughts. My dams are getting a little overflowed at the moment.
One thing I did realize for myself is that you can't count on other people to make you happy, no matter how close you are to them. Yes, they can make you smile, laugh and/cry and any combination of the three at the same time... but they can't make you happy. I believe happyness comes from inside, and I think im a much better off perosn than I was a year ago.
You know, maybe I'm still paddling.. just a little slower than what I should be.
Keep on paddlin',
Mike ~