(no subject)
Heather talked to me on the phone after I calmed down in her eyes... well yeah I was pretty silly at times but you know emotions cant be helped and it's something I'm going to be bitter about forever. I don't get over things like "just let it go" and magically i'm over someone treating me like shit when I treated her very special. She did talk to me but not as much as this really needs and she will never I guess. It comes down to the fact that for the time we spent together every night even when I was pouring my heart into someone who really didnt even deserve it she was just being an asshole quote end quote. It still makes no sense to me. So she slept with me in the same bed and cuddled and kissed and all the other hot things for a few months and the whole time it comes down to she was being an asshole? Is that any kind of logicall response? It's all I have I guess.... She doesn't even seem like the same person anymore when I talk to her... She actually did used to be nice to me and it is absolutely with certainty appeared that she cared about me and appreciated me appreciating her. Either she was just acting which is even something more to be bitter about or now shes just becoming even meaner and uglier personality wise I don't know. She says yeah go ahead bitch about me being a horrible person and I will agree with you...completely ??? What the hell girl... Because someone else hurt you at one time you didn't have to hurt me... my feelings were true and it wasn't that I was so attatched to you I would die without you. You were there the entire time you could of not let us hang out all the time and we were friends even as well as lovers and more so I thought it also starts out as being friends. I get attached to easy... so you say well when you spend most of your time with someone you get a feeling from them and it makes you feel better about yourself when you care about someone and they return it to you. Your just too young to understand I guess maybe in a few years you would actually be sorry for how you treated me and not the superficial sorry which I know is what your giving me now.
So it bugged you I was 30 and that you were not even that attracted to me? Well didn't you know those things before we started talking? Don't fucking flatter yourself geez us christ... I was always attracted to you I think your pretty but yeah of course there are far more prettier girls out there but I'm not shallow to consider looks so much. This age thing really bugs me it's all I hear from people all the time. "Dude your 30 years old...." insert personal rip here... well what about you? Maybe your 20 years old you still have the same flaws anyone else does. I can't help how old I am... I have lived my life the best I could and I've made choices in my life that leave me where I am today and maybe i do regret some of them but knowing me then and knowing me now it really couldn't of been any different otherwise it would of been right? I would of been married with a steady job that I would of hated I would of gone to college I would of had a kid and owned a house. But I didn't so i didn't... else that would of happened if it was supposed to happen. Thats how I think about it at least. It's just a number thats all it is... it hurts me personally really deeply thats a reason why you couldn't ever see yourself as my girlfriend. That is always going to dig into me no matter how much I heal... all that time I was never your boyfriend.? Why not..? we acted like bf/gf we did the same things we talked and helped each other the same way we had an emotional connection... why the fuck not..? Seriously...? All I can do is too keep telling myself you don't deserve to be treated the way I treat my girls in the first place... and you were not even that good to me most of the time anyways and you were quite shallow at times and superficial and somewhat boring even. Whatever. you say i dwell on things too much and I just need to move on... I hurt more beause my heart is mature and huge and has a great capacity to love unlike yours so you can never get it. And thats where we are I guess. Don't flatter yourself that I would ever accept you as my grilfriend once you do realize how shitty you treated me and how it was nice to be pampered and attempted to be loved so much by a nice guy. You'd have to prove so much to me... So have fun with your new friend who will no doubt either fuck you over or you will fuck him over when you pick out a couple things you don't like about him. It's not my business afterall I wanted to save someone the heartache I went through. Have fun using people but I won't be I refuse to be nothing but my myself a genuine nice guy with a ton of love and creativity.
You said that if a pretty girl would come up to me right now and ask me out I would just forget about you. No I wouldn't I don't replace peoples sets of emotions with others so easily. I know better to do that. It's cute though that you actually would be happy for me if I found someone. I do appreciate that and thats the heather that I knew that I cared about. But no I wouldn't just forget about you and I proll wouldn't even accept it... I'm not going to start a rebound relationship because you did......and you say it wasn't and I do know now that I'm going to be much more careful who I ever date or even consider sleeping with what kind of person they are and maybe I'll play the game and use and break a few hearts myself even if I'm not that kind of person maybe I should be but I don't see it happening.
I'll be gluing my guitar on my body for a while it's the ONLY thing which makes me feel a security... it can never hurt me it's always there for me whenever I need it.
The cuddler is dead but will live forever in my music which you never cared about.
So it bugged you I was 30 and that you were not even that attracted to me? Well didn't you know those things before we started talking? Don't fucking flatter yourself geez us christ... I was always attracted to you I think your pretty but yeah of course there are far more prettier girls out there but I'm not shallow to consider looks so much. This age thing really bugs me it's all I hear from people all the time. "Dude your 30 years old...." insert personal rip here... well what about you? Maybe your 20 years old you still have the same flaws anyone else does. I can't help how old I am... I have lived my life the best I could and I've made choices in my life that leave me where I am today and maybe i do regret some of them but knowing me then and knowing me now it really couldn't of been any different otherwise it would of been right? I would of been married with a steady job that I would of hated I would of gone to college I would of had a kid and owned a house. But I didn't so i didn't... else that would of happened if it was supposed to happen. Thats how I think about it at least. It's just a number thats all it is... it hurts me personally really deeply thats a reason why you couldn't ever see yourself as my girlfriend. That is always going to dig into me no matter how much I heal... all that time I was never your boyfriend.? Why not..? we acted like bf/gf we did the same things we talked and helped each other the same way we had an emotional connection... why the fuck not..? Seriously...? All I can do is too keep telling myself you don't deserve to be treated the way I treat my girls in the first place... and you were not even that good to me most of the time anyways and you were quite shallow at times and superficial and somewhat boring even. Whatever. you say i dwell on things too much and I just need to move on... I hurt more beause my heart is mature and huge and has a great capacity to love unlike yours so you can never get it. And thats where we are I guess. Don't flatter yourself that I would ever accept you as my grilfriend once you do realize how shitty you treated me and how it was nice to be pampered and attempted to be loved so much by a nice guy. You'd have to prove so much to me... So have fun with your new friend who will no doubt either fuck you over or you will fuck him over when you pick out a couple things you don't like about him. It's not my business afterall I wanted to save someone the heartache I went through. Have fun using people but I won't be I refuse to be nothing but my myself a genuine nice guy with a ton of love and creativity.
You said that if a pretty girl would come up to me right now and ask me out I would just forget about you. No I wouldn't I don't replace peoples sets of emotions with others so easily. I know better to do that. It's cute though that you actually would be happy for me if I found someone. I do appreciate that and thats the heather that I knew that I cared about. But no I wouldn't just forget about you and I proll wouldn't even accept it... I'm not going to start a rebound relationship because you did......and you say it wasn't and I do know now that I'm going to be much more careful who I ever date or even consider sleeping with what kind of person they are and maybe I'll play the game and use and break a few hearts myself even if I'm not that kind of person maybe I should be but I don't see it happening.
I'll be gluing my guitar on my body for a while it's the ONLY thing which makes me feel a security... it can never hurt me it's always there for me whenever I need it.
The cuddler is dead but will live forever in my music which you never cared about.