As much as things have changed, how much they've always been
Seems like my last post was in 2007, in the last major crossroad of my life. Before that was when I wrote more frequently, in highschool and early college. Since I've been writing on Xanga, on Blogspot, now Blogger, on paper, and on various other scattered media. As sometimes writers prefer the antiquated mechanical typewriter, so there's a strange comfort coming back to LiveJournal to write. The freedom I wrote as a teenager in my youthful naivete I now write is replaced with an implied assurance that no one will likely read this as such an archaic place to journal.
What do I want to say? I've had a healthy portion of life. An attribute of childhood is the safety of not being to irreparably fail. The consequence is that a child can act rashly for the risk and reward of learning. Yet there are many who are adults physically, and yet still live their lives as a child: acting without concern to consequences. Though consequences happen, for the childish adult, he does not seem to learn from them.
I, perhaps, have been that man-child for some time. Even as I had to fend for myself to a degree, earn my keep, and had real responsibilities, I believe still a core part of me remained a child. There is perhaps an arrogant belief that I can get up from any things that might trip me. My wounds would heal and not scar. My heart would remain tender and malleable.
Most obvious, my physicality has been on a decelerating course. Pain just happens more easily and for longer. Circumstances are too complex to deal with more knowledge; that hard-earned and elusive personal character and integrity become all the more essential and yearned for. I gave away my heart with not all of it given back and some of it lost. The evil I see in the world I see in my own heart. I at the same time want to run away from this darkness and want it to embrace it.
The same is with my life in God. I have such a deeper experience and need of him, yet the things that would separate me become yet stronger. Faith is needed more than ever. My experience with Christians has turned from black and white to many shades in the gradient and varieties of hues as well. Yet, in the variety of experiences, the first and basic things are still most important.
Now, it is the time to live my life. I've experienced enough of the world to know what it's mostly about. The same goes for about myself: my passions, my desires, my strengths and my limits. Time to act with a purpose and goal. To go forward. To trust that what I have is adequate and not look back. Yes, there will always be questions, but we can always ask for directions on the way.
The ship is supplied, in good repair, and well-manned. Its captain sufficiently hardened and he knows the tides and currents. So it is time to sail, despite the dangers that may and will come, because that is what it was made to do.
What do I want to say? I've had a healthy portion of life. An attribute of childhood is the safety of not being to irreparably fail. The consequence is that a child can act rashly for the risk and reward of learning. Yet there are many who are adults physically, and yet still live their lives as a child: acting without concern to consequences. Though consequences happen, for the childish adult, he does not seem to learn from them.
I, perhaps, have been that man-child for some time. Even as I had to fend for myself to a degree, earn my keep, and had real responsibilities, I believe still a core part of me remained a child. There is perhaps an arrogant belief that I can get up from any things that might trip me. My wounds would heal and not scar. My heart would remain tender and malleable.
Most obvious, my physicality has been on a decelerating course. Pain just happens more easily and for longer. Circumstances are too complex to deal with more knowledge; that hard-earned and elusive personal character and integrity become all the more essential and yearned for. I gave away my heart with not all of it given back and some of it lost. The evil I see in the world I see in my own heart. I at the same time want to run away from this darkness and want it to embrace it.
The same is with my life in God. I have such a deeper experience and need of him, yet the things that would separate me become yet stronger. Faith is needed more than ever. My experience with Christians has turned from black and white to many shades in the gradient and varieties of hues as well. Yet, in the variety of experiences, the first and basic things are still most important.
Now, it is the time to live my life. I've experienced enough of the world to know what it's mostly about. The same goes for about myself: my passions, my desires, my strengths and my limits. Time to act with a purpose and goal. To go forward. To trust that what I have is adequate and not look back. Yes, there will always be questions, but we can always ask for directions on the way.
The ship is supplied, in good repair, and well-manned. Its captain sufficiently hardened and he knows the tides and currents. So it is time to sail, despite the dangers that may and will come, because that is what it was made to do.