"what is my relationship with grant based on?" is a question I used to ask my self alot. we spent a good deal of time being very frustrated with each other for a large number of reasons. for several years in the early parts of our relationship I used to ask that question alot. with a heavy heart I answered that we were just roomates who shared a bed....and finances. but who gave or got nothing else from each other. we fought alot, over mundane things like dishes (or more appropriately how I never did them, and how grant just got angry and bottled it up). however over time I felt like this less and less. we went to a couples therapist. we learned how to communicate better, and how to anticipate each others reactions. our long trips to see friends and family in other parts of california were no longer filled with angry silence, but with talk of this fun idea or another, or of something we wanted to make or do in the future. the happy times are filled by our mutual feelings about the world around us.
we are open in our relationship, and it mostly works. but I find this relaxed view we both have on relationships has a double edged sword. when I feel tired and depressed its all too easy to use grants spending time talking to other people as an excuse to be angry. but if thats how I'm feeling in that time, isn't it valid? if I'm feeling tired and stressed and angry, shouldn't he be giving me more attention? the problem is that when these kinds of things flare up, neither one of us is usualy in a place to see it as clearly as I'm writing it here. so in a sense I'm forced to go find OTHER people to talk to find relaxation and support. not forced by grant, but by our mutual want to have an open relationship.
I might hug a friend and say I love them, or spend a long time chatting in depth to someone. now by the rules of our open relationship thats ok. however much as I'm not always aware of my moods, grant isnt always aware of his, and sometimes, even if he is aware he bottles them up and ignores them. and if hes doing that when I'm giving attention to another person then I am inadvertently driving him further away, and strengthening his resent of me and the people I'm talking to.
grant and I will never be perfect. the only way we can keep our selves together is to accept and forgive each other for our shortcomings.
and believe it or not, you and everyone else who responded help me to better understand my feelings on these issues, so I appreciate your responses alot.
we are open in our relationship, and it mostly works. but I find this relaxed view we both have on relationships has a double edged sword. when I feel tired and depressed its all too easy to use grants spending time talking to other people as an excuse to be angry. but if thats how I'm feeling in that time, isn't it valid? if I'm feeling tired and stressed and angry, shouldn't he be giving me more attention? the problem is that when these kinds of things flare up, neither one of us is usualy in a place to see it as clearly as I'm writing it here. so in a sense I'm forced to go find OTHER people to talk to find relaxation and support. not forced by grant, but by our mutual want to have an open relationship.
I might hug a friend and say I love them, or spend a long time chatting in depth to someone. now by the rules of our open relationship thats ok. however much as I'm not always aware of my moods, grant isnt always aware of his, and sometimes, even if he is aware he bottles them up and ignores them. and if hes doing that when I'm giving attention to another person then I am inadvertently driving him further away, and strengthening his resent of me and the people I'm talking to.
grant and I will never be perfect. the only way we can keep our selves together is to accept and forgive each other for our shortcomings.
and believe it or not, you and everyone else who responded help me to better understand my feelings on these issues, so I appreciate your responses alot.
Reply
Leave a comment