Searching for that someone...
I am so tired!!School is so boring.I should go home,eat,than get work done and sleep.I am so excited for the Winter retreat.Most of the time up there I am just going to be getting closer to God,Christ,and getting my work done.I will try to get to know people,but mostly I am going to try to get a lot of work done and try to figure out my college situation with the Lord's help and a lot more things that have been on my mind like the girl I like and about friends.Like I know friendship is good because if you fall,you need someone to pick you up.But than again who can you really trust?Are there people that are your friends and say bad things behind your bacfk,making fun of you,trying to get you?Are they waiting for when you miss up and slip to just make fun of you and take advantage of it.I guess I cant trust to easily than and the Devil knows that and feeds me these thoughts that everyone is out to get me and loves to make me go crazy,but this only makes me rely on the Lord even more for when I am weak,I am the strongest.I guess I am still looking for that one friend that will be there no matter what,helping me through my most difficult things in life without judging.I have a few really good friends,but are they true?Do they talk bad about me behind my back?Are they truely my friend?Well they always be there for me?Will they try to stab me in the back if another one of their friends doesn't like me so they have to choose?Only God knows.So I guess I really dont know to much about friendship and am scared of that.I rely on the Lord but even the Bible talks about friendship and the need of that because one person can't be to themselves and just be with the Lord,for if he falls,nobody will be there to pick him back up.So do I have that good,strong friend that will pick me up if I fall and maks sure I stay faithful to God?I really dont know.I need to trust more and be myself instead of putting on a mask and acting all happy.I do that alot.I am really a sad person at times,but I put on that mask and try to hid it,not showing my worries.I do show it at times,but I hate it.I try to put on that mask so no one will know what I am feeling.I try to act like everything is ok,I have no worries,but actual my soul is crying out for attention for someone to come up to me and be like hey whats up,whats wrong.Speak to me and trust me and everything will be ok.I act sometimes like a dumb little kid,crying out for attention.I see myself a lot more like God might see me and I shake my head in shame.I really dont like the person I am at times.Who am I really.Why am I always trying to have that mask to hid myself.What am I truely afarid of?That someone will get to close that they will know everything about me?That maybe some girl would know me too much and that I might actual fall in love with her,so I try to look at other girls and start to like them,finding faults in the girl I do truely love and trying to get her out of my head,asking God if she is the true one for me.These thoughts can drive a man insane.God and Satan each know that I stay up at night just thinking about these things,but I rely on the Lord.I know that He is there.I would rather be faithful to Him because I know He has always been faithful to me.Some people say He isn't there.That He is fake.But I like the way I see myself know,I am trying to change for Him and better myself,and I can see things that show that He is there.I think it was C.S.Lewis that said this:That he believes in God because of all the things that He has done and He would rather believe in Him and live for Him instead of not because if there is no God,Heaven or Hell,than what really was the point of living?Just to live and than die?He would rather live for God and if his beliefs are true,and that there is a Heaven,he wants to be there because that is where the party really begins.He would rather live and think of a much better time after death,than just a death and nothing else,because that would be really sad.I kind of missed that up,but it kind of got to the point.Well anyway I will always be faithful to Him because I know that He is faithful to me.I would rather believe that there is an afterlife than just death and the end of everything.Well just continue to be faithful,and hopefully God will show me my soulmate and maybe some good friends I can confind in.Peace and love in Him,Jacob!!!