Two Roads Diverged In A Wood
Every now and again, we reach crossroads in our lives. I believe that I am at one.
You realize that everything that you once held dear has somehow faded into the background, that things are not quite the same that they used to be and everything is changing all around you.
Sometimes I look at my friends at other colleges and I think to myself, "Wow, I wish I had as many friends at college at they do." Then something happens like last night. The girls cooked us all breakfast for dinner and we gathered around the living room and there were presents sitting on the coffee table. All being unsuspecting boys we didn't realize they were for us. I opened The Ultimate Highlight Reel book from ESPN, Grayson Fishin'opoly, Shawn a commemorative football from the Liberty Bowl, Telly the LOST board game and Allen a Palmetto and crescent moon sticker for his car and a book on cars.
I sat there thinking about this night, these people, the lives that I've surrounded myself with. How different they are from the people that I've previously surrounded myself with. Sure most times in my life I would have laughed at how much of a nerd Shawn was, or made fun of Steph or Silvia for stressing too much (okay, I still do that), that doesn't change the fact that the strange of mix of people that is my group of seven or eight friends at school is also the perfect mix of people.
And it's about time that I start recognizing that.
My classes are becoming difficult and by that I mean that I fully expect to read at least 100 pages of different works of literature a day this semester. I've decided that I'm okay with that. It's about time that I start looking forward to how I'm going to finance the rest of my childhood. I need to dedicate myself to bettering myself at what it is I do (don't ask me what THAT is, I'm still working on that) and pointing my life in a more specific direction.
Lastly, but not at all close to leastly.
I'm in love with a girl. No, that is an injustice, I'm madly in love with a girl. She's not the girl I would've picked, but I can't change the way things are. Things are so amazing between us it's unbelievable. She has taught me in a mere nine months how things in this world are supposed to work. What it means to really love someone, what I should expect from someone who cares about me, how to treat a girl... no a woman and so many more things. I don't know where things are going to go between us, I can't predict that. I have no role in that.
Someone who I consider to be very wise asked me if I looked back on getting into this whole relationship with Kendall as unwise because I was merely setting myself up for heartbreak.
I answered the question in two parts, the latter of which is much more important.
Firstly: Maybe I was setting myself up for heartbreak. However, do you ever get into any relationship where you trust the other person, be it boyfriend, girlfriend, father, mother or best friend without setting yourself up for heartbreak? The great thing about relationships, if you really think about it, is the adrenaline rush. That's all they are, putting yourself into someone else so hard that if they are to snap underneath you there may not be enough time to slow yourself down before some major damage is caused. So, was I setting myself up for heartbreak? Fucking right I was. I've down it a thousand times before, and likely enough, before the remainder of my childhood is over, I'll have down it a thousand times more.
Secondly: When it is all said and done, there may be tears shed. I know there will be, no matter what happens, there have already been tears shed. I may be crushed, I may be elated, I may realize that this isn't the girl for me and what have I put myself through these months of heartache for? However, at this point, I can safely say, that no matter which of those outcomes rears its head, it will have been worth it. These nine months that I've spent with this girl have been the most unbeliavable life changing of possibly any in my life. There is nothing that I would trade the moments I've spent with her for in the whole world. She means that much to me and there is no amount of logic and semantics that can change that.
You can throw anything you want at me. I'll take it in stride and I can only assure you that I know this has been the right thing for me.
So, I've reached a crossroads in my life. Which way do I turn? What path do I take? To whom do I look for help? All these questions, I haven't the slightest idea what the answer is to any of them. Probably, I won't know the answer until I've started living it.
It's odd, I'm strangely comfortable with that idea.
You realize that everything that you once held dear has somehow faded into the background, that things are not quite the same that they used to be and everything is changing all around you.
Sometimes I look at my friends at other colleges and I think to myself, "Wow, I wish I had as many friends at college at they do." Then something happens like last night. The girls cooked us all breakfast for dinner and we gathered around the living room and there were presents sitting on the coffee table. All being unsuspecting boys we didn't realize they were for us. I opened The Ultimate Highlight Reel book from ESPN, Grayson Fishin'opoly, Shawn a commemorative football from the Liberty Bowl, Telly the LOST board game and Allen a Palmetto and crescent moon sticker for his car and a book on cars.
I sat there thinking about this night, these people, the lives that I've surrounded myself with. How different they are from the people that I've previously surrounded myself with. Sure most times in my life I would have laughed at how much of a nerd Shawn was, or made fun of Steph or Silvia for stressing too much (okay, I still do that), that doesn't change the fact that the strange of mix of people that is my group of seven or eight friends at school is also the perfect mix of people.
And it's about time that I start recognizing that.
My classes are becoming difficult and by that I mean that I fully expect to read at least 100 pages of different works of literature a day this semester. I've decided that I'm okay with that. It's about time that I start looking forward to how I'm going to finance the rest of my childhood. I need to dedicate myself to bettering myself at what it is I do (don't ask me what THAT is, I'm still working on that) and pointing my life in a more specific direction.
Lastly, but not at all close to leastly.
I'm in love with a girl. No, that is an injustice, I'm madly in love with a girl. She's not the girl I would've picked, but I can't change the way things are. Things are so amazing between us it's unbelievable. She has taught me in a mere nine months how things in this world are supposed to work. What it means to really love someone, what I should expect from someone who cares about me, how to treat a girl... no a woman and so many more things. I don't know where things are going to go between us, I can't predict that. I have no role in that.
Someone who I consider to be very wise asked me if I looked back on getting into this whole relationship with Kendall as unwise because I was merely setting myself up for heartbreak.
I answered the question in two parts, the latter of which is much more important.
Firstly: Maybe I was setting myself up for heartbreak. However, do you ever get into any relationship where you trust the other person, be it boyfriend, girlfriend, father, mother or best friend without setting yourself up for heartbreak? The great thing about relationships, if you really think about it, is the adrenaline rush. That's all they are, putting yourself into someone else so hard that if they are to snap underneath you there may not be enough time to slow yourself down before some major damage is caused. So, was I setting myself up for heartbreak? Fucking right I was. I've down it a thousand times before, and likely enough, before the remainder of my childhood is over, I'll have down it a thousand times more.
Secondly: When it is all said and done, there may be tears shed. I know there will be, no matter what happens, there have already been tears shed. I may be crushed, I may be elated, I may realize that this isn't the girl for me and what have I put myself through these months of heartache for? However, at this point, I can safely say, that no matter which of those outcomes rears its head, it will have been worth it. These nine months that I've spent with this girl have been the most unbeliavable life changing of possibly any in my life. There is nothing that I would trade the moments I've spent with her for in the whole world. She means that much to me and there is no amount of logic and semantics that can change that.
You can throw anything you want at me. I'll take it in stride and I can only assure you that I know this has been the right thing for me.
So, I've reached a crossroads in my life. Which way do I turn? What path do I take? To whom do I look for help? All these questions, I haven't the slightest idea what the answer is to any of them. Probably, I won't know the answer until I've started living it.
It's odd, I'm strangely comfortable with that idea.