Super Android 13!
If my own friendslist is any indication, I'm pretty sure there's nothing for me to say about the post-Katrina situation that hasn't already been beaten to death on Livejournal already. The impression I'm getting now is that they've finally got things straightened out, and about half of the about 50,000 people who've been stuck in New Orleans this week are finally getting evacuated. Of course, I have no idea what the numbers in New Orleans are supposed to be, but I heard Geraldo describe the crowd by the Superdome as "noticably thinner", which I can only pray is a good sign. Of course, getting evacuated is just the first step in something like this, and the enduring struggle is going to be one of how to relocate and support half a million unemployed homeless people while we rebuild their city, but I like their odds outside the city a hell of a lot better.
For me, that's a big relief, because for the last four days there didn't seem to be any real progress at all. People can (and should) point fingers and accuse different levels of the government for the holdup, but at least the relief effort finally seems to be underway, so now everyone can turn their attention to "What took so long?" and "What will we do next?"
On the subject of blame, I think Newsweek's Rabbi Marc Gellman covers it much better than I could.
Now, before anyone thinks I tagged this entry wrong, yes, this is the thirteenth in my series of reviews of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Truthfully, I had this one written a week ago, and I had planned to post it just before Labor Day while I went on vacation. But my car's shot, so I'm here to post it live, so to speak, so I figure I'll try to make lemonade out of this.
Undoubtedly, this little book review thing is just about the most popular feature I've had since I started this journal. I credit the legions of masochistic Harry Potter fans that make this country great. In my wildest egotistical fancies, I could see this somehow giving me enough traffic to justify one of those famous websites out there, like X-Entertainment, or that webcam where you can make a robot hand wave at a cat. Then I could turn into a big jerk and put up one of those obnoxious PayPal buttons so people could donate money to finance the upkeep of a free site. I have a hard time believing anyone ever uses those things, which is why I'd never try it myself. Even so, I figure if this little project has gotten me any extra attention at all, then I should at least try to use it to accoplish something.
So I'll lay it out like this: If you're reading this right now, and you've read my reviews and you like what you see, why don't you kick in five bucks or so over here. If you already have, then that's cool, but if you haven't then consider this a friendly reminder. Australia donated, and so did I, so if you want to join the Really Cool Club that me and Australian taxpayers just started today, here's your chance. We play foosball and talk about you behind your back, in case you're wondering. I guess I could do some sort of pledge-based thing, where people donate twelve cents every time I call Harry an idiot, or use "flighty temptress" in a sentence (twelve cents might not sound like much, but trust me, it'd add up real fast), but I'm too lazy to come up with something that complicated, so it's better if the money doesn't actually go through me at all. If you must, just pretend "Mike Smith" is an alias and my true name is "Red Cross". Actually, Red Cross would be a pretty cool name for someone to have, but that's neither here nor there.
And that's the end of the socially relevant part of our program.
At this point, I should probably cover some of the inside jokes I've been using so far. Originally, I didn't plan on this many new people reading this stuff, so I didn't think to explain all the wrestling/comic book references that creep into my lexicon.
nWo: Shorthand for The New World Order, the pro wrestling supergroup founded in 1996 by "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash. The group started out as a fictional invasion of WCW by Hall and Nash, who had left the WWF that year after becoming very well-known figures in the company. The duo, referred to simply as "The Outsiders" barged on to WCW programming and demanded to be in a six-man tag match against three of WCW's finest, thus creating a mystery as to who would be the "third man" on Hall and Nash's team. When Hogan betrayed WCW to reveal himself as the mastermind behind the Outsiders' invasion, he declared their coup to be the beginning of "The New World Order of Professional Wrestling", and so the nWo was born. Harry, Hermione and Ron are commonly known as the "Trio" among Harry Potter fans, but as you might imagine, it doesn't sit well with me using their terminology, so I decided to dub them the nWo instead, so I could call Ron and Hermione the "Outsiders".
nWo (2): By 1998, the nWo had become so dominant in WCW that virtually half the roster was part of the group. This expanded nWo became more like a cult, with Hulk Hogan as its charismatic, self-centered leader. This was why I referred to the Death Eaters as the nWo in Chapter Two, because their misguided devotion to Lord Voldemort and their large numbers reminded me of the way Hogan used to run things. Of course, once I found out the Death Eaters already had an official name, I dropped the moniker, but I think the comparison holds water. In case you're interested, the nWo collapsed into two or three splinter factions before it finally died off in mid-1999, only to be briefly resurrected in 2000, then even more briefly again in 2003 by the WWE. So look for Jeff Jarrett to reform the Death Eaters in Book 7.
Thunderbolts: The cult-favorite Marvel Comics publication begun in 1997. The book was launched with the hype that the team had a "shocking secret", which turned out to be that they were actually supervillains posing as a superhero team so they could take over the world. Their plot backfired when most of the team decided they preferred being heroes, and started wandering across the country, fighting crime and dodging the authorities at the same time. The team was eventually pardoned in #50, only to be declared dead following a battle against one of their enemies in #56. They returned in #75, just in time for the book to be repackaged as some crappy "Fight Club" knockoff, a brilliant editorial decision which got the title cancelled six issues later. Popular demand brought about the 2004 Avengers/Thunderbolts miniseries, which saw the rogue superteam pitted against their rivals in the Mighty Avengers, and at long last the team was re-founded in their new ongoing series, appropriately titled New Thunderbolts. I mention the T-Bolts a lot, partly because I just like the comic, but also because much of what I learned about characterization and plotting came from this series. So this would be why I start off a lot of paragraphs by saying "Well, back when Thunderbolts did it..." or the like.
Dragon Ball Z: Akira Toriyama's internationally famous manga based loosely on a Chinese legend from Mars or something. The premise starts out with a boy named Son Goku befriending his enemies and searching for seven magic balls which will summon a wish-granting dragon when gathered together. He also rides around on a cloud which may or may not be made of candy. In America, the property is better known for the anime adaptation of the latter part of the series, where big-haired karate guys stand around in their pajamas and scream at each other. I sometimes refer to elements from the DBZ mythos, although this has less to do with Harry Potter and more to do with me trying to keep myself sane while I read a Harry Potter book. Some have suggested that I seem to be enjoying Half-Blood Prince in spite of myself, which I suppose is true, but the other day I found a website that lets you download DBZ episodes for free, and I spent the whole weekend doing that instead of reviewing Chapter Ten, or whatever. I'm pretty easily distracted, which is why I sometimes pepper DBZ-speak into these pieces, to keep myself focused on this project.
DBZ is also where I got the inspiration for these "Original Japanese Titles" I use for the Chapter names. For example, the episode where two of the children characters fight in the finals of a martial arts tournament is called "Best of the Boys" in America. In Japan, it's called "Pleasure a Hundred Times Over! The New Junior Champion has Been Determined!" So I'm not exaggerating much.
You're Not Batman: You ever notice how cool Batman is when he leaps from a great height, or when he unfurls his cape, or when he talks all intimidating and stuff, or when he slams some crook against the wall and glowers at him? You ever notice how uncool it is when someone other than Batman tries to do the same stuff to make himself look cool? That's where this comes from. I don't care how long and dark Snape's robes are, or how righteous Harry's anger is, they aren't Batman, any more than some kid in a Batman toy commercial is Batman.
Just Like the Title of This Cartoon: You young'uns may not remember this, but there was a cartoon once called "Ren and Stimpy". One episode, "Marooned", cast the two characters as the crew of a starship "in the amazing year Four Hundred Billion", only for them to crash land on a mysterious, uncharted planet. With the radio irreparably damaged, and with no idea where they are, Ren sums up their situation by declaring: "We're... MAROONED!" And then Stimpy says "Just like the title of this cartoon!" You had to be there, but for me this was one of my all-time favorite jokes, and I just like the way he broke the fourth wall there for a moment. So I use it as often as I can, whenever a work of fiction refers to its own title like that.
Señor Draco: Just go here. He tells it better. NOTE: In case you didn't know, "ALT 164" is how you type one of those funky Spanish "n's" with the wavy thing on it.
Tenchi Muyo! OAV Episode #15: The introduction of Airi (EYE-ree) Masaki, Tenchi Masaki's maternal grandmother from outer space. No, really. The joke with Airi is that she's a very rational and practical woman, but she loathes to be referred to as a "grandmother", because it makes her feel old. To be sure, Airi's age is well over seven centuries, but for her species this is akin to being in your mid thirties, so the grandma baggage is something of an affront to her dignity. When Ryoko teases her about her age, Airi slaps her across the face, somewhat ironic, since Ryoko is even older than Airi, and she should be fairly invulnerable to such an attack. When Tenchi tries to figure out how to address her without offending her, he suggests simply calling her by her name, and she expresses her approval with a hearty thumbs up. So now you understand my ratings system. Kreacher screaming like a freak in the Durseley's house is like calling Airi "granny", while the Half-Blood Prince helping Harry do his lab work is like addressing Airi as "Miss Airi". Know the difference.
The Transformers: Not to be confused with the crappy Transformers of the 90's and today, the original Transformers started it all, with a toy line, comic book, and animated series featuring two races of giant robots who could change themselves into vehicles and weapons. The evil Decepticons believe robots are superior to organic life, and seek to subjugate the Earth and use its natural resources to fuel their conquest of the universe, while the heroic Autobots have befriended the human race, and have sworn to defend all life forms from the Decepticon menace. The Harry Potter series bears some slight resemblance to this premise, except for the whole school thing and the fact that Alan Rickman can't or won't turn himself into a fighter plane. So now you know where my priorities lie.
Let me know if anything else throws you off. In the meantime, that's about all I can think of for now, so let's get on with the show.
Chapter 13: The Secret Riddle (Original Japanese Title: "Dumbledore-sama's Major Boner. 'I, Voldemort, Will Be Your Student.')
Once more, it's time for Harry's private lesson with Dumbledore. Harry isn't even sure he'll be there when the time comes, what with Sunny D being away from the school for days at a time, but wouldn't ya know, there he is. We kick things off with Harry and Big Al comparing notes on the Katie Bell Incident from last time. Harry questions the wisdom in letting Snape investigate the cursed necklace that put Katie in the hospital, but D-Dore assures him that Snape's simply the best man for the job, end of story. According to him, Snape not only halted the spread of the curse, but he also determined that the necklace was much more potent than anyone had imagined. Katie was wearing gloves at the time when she touched it, and it was that brief contact through a small hole in her gloves that put her out of commission. Had she held it barehanded, she'd most likely be dead right now.
Harry's somewhat forceful questioning also raises the ire of a portrait of some long-dead ancestor of Sirius Black, who complains about how impertinent this new generation of students is and how permissive their instructors have become. Remember, just like in Super Mario 64, paintings are alive and stuff. Dead Man Black forgets about this, however, when Harry mentions how Mundungus stole all of Sirius' stuff. "There's a grown man named 'Mundungus'?" Phineas Black exclaims. "Why in my day such a foolish name would have earned sixty lashed with a fresh willow branch."
Because he's obsessed with Señor Draco, Harry checks to see if Dumbledore has gotten wind of his "Señor-Draco-Did-It" Theory, but D-dore just assures him he'll check into it, but now it's time for the lesson.
By "lesson" of course, we actually mean "the secret origin of Lord Voldemort", the heavy in this picture. Much like the guy writing Ultimate Iron Man though, Dumbledore started things off a little too early for my tastes, and the Mort Called Volder wasn't even born during the first part of his tale. In case you're just joining us, Voldermort's real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle, the son of a Muggle named Tom Riddle, Sr and the pureblood Slytherin Merope Gaunt. Merope used some kind of voo-doo to make Tom fall in love with her, and after he got her pregnant she chose to free him of her influence, thinking he'd love her of his own free will. Instead, Tom left her, which really shouldn't come as much of a shock to anyone.
Picking up from there, Merope was crushed by this rejection, to the point where she lost the will to live. It's Dumbledore's suspicion that she either renounced her magical super powers out of shame, or her powers faded as a result of her deep depression. Either way, without magic or anyone she could turn to, Merope was left to eke out a living as a vagrant, selling her father's prized locket (the one that belonged to Salazar Slytherin) to a local store. Interestingly enough, this was the same store Señor Draco visited in Chapter Six, although the connection seems to end there. While the locket is a valuable artifact, she only got a small payment for it, so I'm assuming she was ignorant of its value, or maybe she just didn't care.
The story continues in a simulation of Dumbledore's memory, in which he pays a visit to an orphanage where Merope's son eventually wound up. There's a horse-drawn cart and D-Dore's past self has auburn hair, so I guess this should give some indication of his age. Prying the matron, one Mrs. Cole, with both magic and a bottle of gin (It's always liquor with this guy), he comes to learn that Merope gave birth to the boy here. Before she died an hour later, she gave him the name Tom Marvolo Riddle, after his father and grandfather, then wished aloud that he grew up to look more like his father than herself. Since then, the young Riddle's history in the orphanage very much resembles that of baby Superman, only instead of lifting chairs over his head and giving his fellow orphans super airplane rides, Tom Riddle was rapidly discovering his magic powers, and using them to murder rabbits, steal the other kids' toys, and generally make a colossal dick of himself. But, like the Smallville Orphanage, Mrs. Cole is more than relieved that Dumbledore is here offering to take the boy off her hands, even if it's only for seven months out of the year. Undaunted, Young Dumbledore asks to speak with the boy himself.
At first, Riddle is convinced that Big Al is some doctor planning to cart him off to the mental asylum, and he throws a fit, swearing up and down that he's not insane. He finally starts to calm the hell down when Dumbledore explains that he knows about Riddle's powers, and that they're the product of magic, not dementia. At this, Riddle starts to warm up to the idea, saying that he always knew he was special. Having someone else confirm it for him and give his specialness a name, he starts to become very happy, in a creepy Future-Super-Villain sort of way.
Unfortunately for him, the catch to this newfound validation is that he has to treat Dumbledore with respect. With newfound humility he asks Big Al to demonstrate his powers, so he lights his wardrobe on fire, then restores it to normal. Dumbledore also causes a box of stuff to start moving around inside the wardrobe, which turns out to be all the stuff Riddle's stolen from his fellow orphans. Sunny D orders him to return everything to their rightful owners, and begins to explain the consequences of abusing one's magical super powers. Impassively, Riddle agrees to his terms. When Dumbledore offers to go with him to purchase his school supplies, Riddle insists that he can handle it on his own, and he'd much prefer it that way. Dumbledore relents, and explains how he has to ask for Tom the barman to get to Daigon Alley. At this Riddle shows great displeasure at the name "Tom". Then he casually mentions his ability to commune with snakes. Yeah, nothing fishy about this guy.
Back in the Present Day, Dumbledore and Harry discuss the meaning of what they saw. Since Voldemort was actually in this scene, as opposed to Chapter Ten, we actually get some greater insight into Voldemort's personality.
1) He believed he was a wizard much more readily than Harry did when he was recruited for Hogwarts, because of his desire to be special, and to be acknowledged for it.
2) Unlike most wizards, Riddle's abilities were very well-developed for his age, and he had control over them as well.
3) Primarily, his powers were used to frighten, punish, and control those around him.
4) His contempt for his own name demonstrates how much he hates anything that ties him to other people. This is presumably why he started calling himself "Voldemort", because his entire given name was shared with others, and he wanted to be different, separate, and notorious.
5) In concert with his desire to be unique, he also has no use for help. Dumbledore describes him as self-sufficient, secretive, and friendless. Just as he wanted no help buying school supplies, he still prefers to work alone as an adult. This is important, because while the Death Eaters all claim to have some special relationship with the guy (read: Snape), the truth is that none of them truly understand him at all, and that's the way he likes it.
6) Finally, Voldemort has an appreciation for trophies, souveniers from the victims of his arcane cruelties. Dumbledore insists this will be crucial later on, but he doesn't explain why. I assume this trait is a psychological weakness that Harry might be able to exploit, like the time Batman tossed a bunch of coins at Two-Face so he couldn't tell how his double-headed coin had landed, thus preventing him from ever deciding whether or not to shoot him.
7) Dumbledore didn't point this out, but I do find it interesting that in the flashback, Riddle seemed to believe that he inherited his magical abilities from his father, rather than his mother. In his mind, his mother was too weak to be a wizard, or she wouldn't have died the way she did, while his father--whom he never knew--exists only in the realm of his imagination, and so he could possess any strength the young Voldemort ever ascribed to him. The fantasies of an orphan aside, I think this goes to show that Voldemort equates magic with power, and therefore he assumes that he's invincible because he's the most powerful wizard. This is probably why Dumbledore's lessons here have nothing to do with magic at all.
Notice how all of these qualities run completely counter to Harry's. Voldemort is starved for attention, while Harry seeks to avoid it. Voldemort was a prodigy in his day, while most of what I know about Harry's early days suggests that he had to struggle to stay caught up with his more experienced classmates. Voldemort uses his powers to control others, while Harry only seems to use them on behalf of his friends (although this seems like a thinly-veiled excuse at times). Volemort wants to cut himself off from humanity altogether, while Harry is perfectly willing to accept any help he can get, and he seems to have no shortage of friends. Voldemort collects momentos of his victories, while Harry would just as soon never set foot in the house he inherited from Sirius Black, which I seem to recall was the site of a major battle. And of course, Harry knows that Merope died in spite of her powers, something Voldemort probably wouldn't be able to fathom. There's probably even more parallels here, but I think I've made my point.
I'm a genfic man, and one of the reasons I loathe slash and het is because the emphasis is always placed on romance, which is usually bungled in the hands of less skilled writers. My appreciation for genfic stems from my appreciation for good villains, which in turn stems from the fact that a good villain is not only well-defined himself, but he in turn defines the hero. So it is with Lord Voldemort. I'm not wild about the whole Pensieve gimmick she used to do it, but Rowling has assembled a very masterful character analysis of TMR nevertheless. And I don't just mean she explained what he's like and how he feels about things. Rowling took these personality traits, which could have just as easily been attributed to a more sympathetic character, and cast them in the light of a villain. Voldemort's desperate for gratification and impatient with those less powerful than he is, but this isn't because he's lonely or dedicated, as Dumbledore might have once believed, long ago. No, it's because he's an egomaniac and a sociopath. And because Harry's his nemesis, Rowlings work here in Chapter 13 could be described as a photo negative of Harry's personality. Before, Harry wondered why Voldemort chose him instead of Neville, and I'm thinking the reason is that Voldemort caught on to this polar opposite thing early on, and decided Harry would be more fitting an adversary. Sick, huh? Well, that's just the way I likes it.
And I should point out that what we're seeing with Voldemort here is exactly what I was talking about when I complained about Snape in Chapter Two. Because Snape's so ambiguous, a dissection of his inner workings just won't be possible until much later on. I understand that, but I have to wonder: if we're just NOW learning what makes Voldemort tick, and we still don't know what's up with Snape, and Señor Draco has pretty much been written off as an inconsequential rival, then what exactly was going on in the last five books? Because I don't think I could put up with a book like this without a chapter like this one to explain why the bad guy is the way he is. Well, I didn't read Books 1-5, so I guess it's no skin off my nose, but for the sake of those who did, I sure hope some of what Dumbledore revealed here had been hinted at before.
RATING: GOOD
NEXT: Pumpkin juice. Works every time!
For me, that's a big relief, because for the last four days there didn't seem to be any real progress at all. People can (and should) point fingers and accuse different levels of the government for the holdup, but at least the relief effort finally seems to be underway, so now everyone can turn their attention to "What took so long?" and "What will we do next?"
On the subject of blame, I think Newsweek's Rabbi Marc Gellman covers it much better than I could.
Now, before anyone thinks I tagged this entry wrong, yes, this is the thirteenth in my series of reviews of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Truthfully, I had this one written a week ago, and I had planned to post it just before Labor Day while I went on vacation. But my car's shot, so I'm here to post it live, so to speak, so I figure I'll try to make lemonade out of this.
Undoubtedly, this little book review thing is just about the most popular feature I've had since I started this journal. I credit the legions of masochistic Harry Potter fans that make this country great. In my wildest egotistical fancies, I could see this somehow giving me enough traffic to justify one of those famous websites out there, like X-Entertainment, or that webcam where you can make a robot hand wave at a cat. Then I could turn into a big jerk and put up one of those obnoxious PayPal buttons so people could donate money to finance the upkeep of a free site. I have a hard time believing anyone ever uses those things, which is why I'd never try it myself. Even so, I figure if this little project has gotten me any extra attention at all, then I should at least try to use it to accoplish something.
So I'll lay it out like this: If you're reading this right now, and you've read my reviews and you like what you see, why don't you kick in five bucks or so over here. If you already have, then that's cool, but if you haven't then consider this a friendly reminder. Australia donated, and so did I, so if you want to join the Really Cool Club that me and Australian taxpayers just started today, here's your chance. We play foosball and talk about you behind your back, in case you're wondering. I guess I could do some sort of pledge-based thing, where people donate twelve cents every time I call Harry an idiot, or use "flighty temptress" in a sentence (twelve cents might not sound like much, but trust me, it'd add up real fast), but I'm too lazy to come up with something that complicated, so it's better if the money doesn't actually go through me at all. If you must, just pretend "Mike Smith" is an alias and my true name is "Red Cross". Actually, Red Cross would be a pretty cool name for someone to have, but that's neither here nor there.
And that's the end of the socially relevant part of our program.
At this point, I should probably cover some of the inside jokes I've been using so far. Originally, I didn't plan on this many new people reading this stuff, so I didn't think to explain all the wrestling/comic book references that creep into my lexicon.
nWo: Shorthand for The New World Order, the pro wrestling supergroup founded in 1996 by "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash. The group started out as a fictional invasion of WCW by Hall and Nash, who had left the WWF that year after becoming very well-known figures in the company. The duo, referred to simply as "The Outsiders" barged on to WCW programming and demanded to be in a six-man tag match against three of WCW's finest, thus creating a mystery as to who would be the "third man" on Hall and Nash's team. When Hogan betrayed WCW to reveal himself as the mastermind behind the Outsiders' invasion, he declared their coup to be the beginning of "The New World Order of Professional Wrestling", and so the nWo was born. Harry, Hermione and Ron are commonly known as the "Trio" among Harry Potter fans, but as you might imagine, it doesn't sit well with me using their terminology, so I decided to dub them the nWo instead, so I could call Ron and Hermione the "Outsiders".
nWo (2): By 1998, the nWo had become so dominant in WCW that virtually half the roster was part of the group. This expanded nWo became more like a cult, with Hulk Hogan as its charismatic, self-centered leader. This was why I referred to the Death Eaters as the nWo in Chapter Two, because their misguided devotion to Lord Voldemort and their large numbers reminded me of the way Hogan used to run things. Of course, once I found out the Death Eaters already had an official name, I dropped the moniker, but I think the comparison holds water. In case you're interested, the nWo collapsed into two or three splinter factions before it finally died off in mid-1999, only to be briefly resurrected in 2000, then even more briefly again in 2003 by the WWE. So look for Jeff Jarrett to reform the Death Eaters in Book 7.
Thunderbolts: The cult-favorite Marvel Comics publication begun in 1997. The book was launched with the hype that the team had a "shocking secret", which turned out to be that they were actually supervillains posing as a superhero team so they could take over the world. Their plot backfired when most of the team decided they preferred being heroes, and started wandering across the country, fighting crime and dodging the authorities at the same time. The team was eventually pardoned in #50, only to be declared dead following a battle against one of their enemies in #56. They returned in #75, just in time for the book to be repackaged as some crappy "Fight Club" knockoff, a brilliant editorial decision which got the title cancelled six issues later. Popular demand brought about the 2004 Avengers/Thunderbolts miniseries, which saw the rogue superteam pitted against their rivals in the Mighty Avengers, and at long last the team was re-founded in their new ongoing series, appropriately titled New Thunderbolts. I mention the T-Bolts a lot, partly because I just like the comic, but also because much of what I learned about characterization and plotting came from this series. So this would be why I start off a lot of paragraphs by saying "Well, back when Thunderbolts did it..." or the like.
Dragon Ball Z: Akira Toriyama's internationally famous manga based loosely on a Chinese legend from Mars or something. The premise starts out with a boy named Son Goku befriending his enemies and searching for seven magic balls which will summon a wish-granting dragon when gathered together. He also rides around on a cloud which may or may not be made of candy. In America, the property is better known for the anime adaptation of the latter part of the series, where big-haired karate guys stand around in their pajamas and scream at each other. I sometimes refer to elements from the DBZ mythos, although this has less to do with Harry Potter and more to do with me trying to keep myself sane while I read a Harry Potter book. Some have suggested that I seem to be enjoying Half-Blood Prince in spite of myself, which I suppose is true, but the other day I found a website that lets you download DBZ episodes for free, and I spent the whole weekend doing that instead of reviewing Chapter Ten, or whatever. I'm pretty easily distracted, which is why I sometimes pepper DBZ-speak into these pieces, to keep myself focused on this project.
DBZ is also where I got the inspiration for these "Original Japanese Titles" I use for the Chapter names. For example, the episode where two of the children characters fight in the finals of a martial arts tournament is called "Best of the Boys" in America. In Japan, it's called "Pleasure a Hundred Times Over! The New Junior Champion has Been Determined!" So I'm not exaggerating much.
You're Not Batman: You ever notice how cool Batman is when he leaps from a great height, or when he unfurls his cape, or when he talks all intimidating and stuff, or when he slams some crook against the wall and glowers at him? You ever notice how uncool it is when someone other than Batman tries to do the same stuff to make himself look cool? That's where this comes from. I don't care how long and dark Snape's robes are, or how righteous Harry's anger is, they aren't Batman, any more than some kid in a Batman toy commercial is Batman.
Just Like the Title of This Cartoon: You young'uns may not remember this, but there was a cartoon once called "Ren and Stimpy". One episode, "Marooned", cast the two characters as the crew of a starship "in the amazing year Four Hundred Billion", only for them to crash land on a mysterious, uncharted planet. With the radio irreparably damaged, and with no idea where they are, Ren sums up their situation by declaring: "We're... MAROONED!" And then Stimpy says "Just like the title of this cartoon!" You had to be there, but for me this was one of my all-time favorite jokes, and I just like the way he broke the fourth wall there for a moment. So I use it as often as I can, whenever a work of fiction refers to its own title like that.
Señor Draco: Just go here. He tells it better. NOTE: In case you didn't know, "ALT 164" is how you type one of those funky Spanish "n's" with the wavy thing on it.
Tenchi Muyo! OAV Episode #15: The introduction of Airi (EYE-ree) Masaki, Tenchi Masaki's maternal grandmother from outer space. No, really. The joke with Airi is that she's a very rational and practical woman, but she loathes to be referred to as a "grandmother", because it makes her feel old. To be sure, Airi's age is well over seven centuries, but for her species this is akin to being in your mid thirties, so the grandma baggage is something of an affront to her dignity. When Ryoko teases her about her age, Airi slaps her across the face, somewhat ironic, since Ryoko is even older than Airi, and she should be fairly invulnerable to such an attack. When Tenchi tries to figure out how to address her without offending her, he suggests simply calling her by her name, and she expresses her approval with a hearty thumbs up. So now you understand my ratings system. Kreacher screaming like a freak in the Durseley's house is like calling Airi "granny", while the Half-Blood Prince helping Harry do his lab work is like addressing Airi as "Miss Airi". Know the difference.
The Transformers: Not to be confused with the crappy Transformers of the 90's and today, the original Transformers started it all, with a toy line, comic book, and animated series featuring two races of giant robots who could change themselves into vehicles and weapons. The evil Decepticons believe robots are superior to organic life, and seek to subjugate the Earth and use its natural resources to fuel their conquest of the universe, while the heroic Autobots have befriended the human race, and have sworn to defend all life forms from the Decepticon menace. The Harry Potter series bears some slight resemblance to this premise, except for the whole school thing and the fact that Alan Rickman can't or won't turn himself into a fighter plane. So now you know where my priorities lie.
Let me know if anything else throws you off. In the meantime, that's about all I can think of for now, so let's get on with the show.
Chapter 13: The Secret Riddle (Original Japanese Title: "Dumbledore-sama's Major Boner. 'I, Voldemort, Will Be Your Student.')
Once more, it's time for Harry's private lesson with Dumbledore. Harry isn't even sure he'll be there when the time comes, what with Sunny D being away from the school for days at a time, but wouldn't ya know, there he is. We kick things off with Harry and Big Al comparing notes on the Katie Bell Incident from last time. Harry questions the wisdom in letting Snape investigate the cursed necklace that put Katie in the hospital, but D-Dore assures him that Snape's simply the best man for the job, end of story. According to him, Snape not only halted the spread of the curse, but he also determined that the necklace was much more potent than anyone had imagined. Katie was wearing gloves at the time when she touched it, and it was that brief contact through a small hole in her gloves that put her out of commission. Had she held it barehanded, she'd most likely be dead right now.
Harry's somewhat forceful questioning also raises the ire of a portrait of some long-dead ancestor of Sirius Black, who complains about how impertinent this new generation of students is and how permissive their instructors have become. Remember, just like in Super Mario 64, paintings are alive and stuff. Dead Man Black forgets about this, however, when Harry mentions how Mundungus stole all of Sirius' stuff. "There's a grown man named 'Mundungus'?" Phineas Black exclaims. "Why in my day such a foolish name would have earned sixty lashed with a fresh willow branch."
Because he's obsessed with Señor Draco, Harry checks to see if Dumbledore has gotten wind of his "Señor-Draco-Did-It" Theory, but D-dore just assures him he'll check into it, but now it's time for the lesson.
By "lesson" of course, we actually mean "the secret origin of Lord Voldemort", the heavy in this picture. Much like the guy writing Ultimate Iron Man though, Dumbledore started things off a little too early for my tastes, and the Mort Called Volder wasn't even born during the first part of his tale. In case you're just joining us, Voldermort's real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle, the son of a Muggle named Tom Riddle, Sr and the pureblood Slytherin Merope Gaunt. Merope used some kind of voo-doo to make Tom fall in love with her, and after he got her pregnant she chose to free him of her influence, thinking he'd love her of his own free will. Instead, Tom left her, which really shouldn't come as much of a shock to anyone.
Picking up from there, Merope was crushed by this rejection, to the point where she lost the will to live. It's Dumbledore's suspicion that she either renounced her magical super powers out of shame, or her powers faded as a result of her deep depression. Either way, without magic or anyone she could turn to, Merope was left to eke out a living as a vagrant, selling her father's prized locket (the one that belonged to Salazar Slytherin) to a local store. Interestingly enough, this was the same store Señor Draco visited in Chapter Six, although the connection seems to end there. While the locket is a valuable artifact, she only got a small payment for it, so I'm assuming she was ignorant of its value, or maybe she just didn't care.
The story continues in a simulation of Dumbledore's memory, in which he pays a visit to an orphanage where Merope's son eventually wound up. There's a horse-drawn cart and D-Dore's past self has auburn hair, so I guess this should give some indication of his age. Prying the matron, one Mrs. Cole, with both magic and a bottle of gin (It's always liquor with this guy), he comes to learn that Merope gave birth to the boy here. Before she died an hour later, she gave him the name Tom Marvolo Riddle, after his father and grandfather, then wished aloud that he grew up to look more like his father than herself. Since then, the young Riddle's history in the orphanage very much resembles that of baby Superman, only instead of lifting chairs over his head and giving his fellow orphans super airplane rides, Tom Riddle was rapidly discovering his magic powers, and using them to murder rabbits, steal the other kids' toys, and generally make a colossal dick of himself. But, like the Smallville Orphanage, Mrs. Cole is more than relieved that Dumbledore is here offering to take the boy off her hands, even if it's only for seven months out of the year. Undaunted, Young Dumbledore asks to speak with the boy himself.
At first, Riddle is convinced that Big Al is some doctor planning to cart him off to the mental asylum, and he throws a fit, swearing up and down that he's not insane. He finally starts to calm the hell down when Dumbledore explains that he knows about Riddle's powers, and that they're the product of magic, not dementia. At this, Riddle starts to warm up to the idea, saying that he always knew he was special. Having someone else confirm it for him and give his specialness a name, he starts to become very happy, in a creepy Future-Super-Villain sort of way.
Unfortunately for him, the catch to this newfound validation is that he has to treat Dumbledore with respect. With newfound humility he asks Big Al to demonstrate his powers, so he lights his wardrobe on fire, then restores it to normal. Dumbledore also causes a box of stuff to start moving around inside the wardrobe, which turns out to be all the stuff Riddle's stolen from his fellow orphans. Sunny D orders him to return everything to their rightful owners, and begins to explain the consequences of abusing one's magical super powers. Impassively, Riddle agrees to his terms. When Dumbledore offers to go with him to purchase his school supplies, Riddle insists that he can handle it on his own, and he'd much prefer it that way. Dumbledore relents, and explains how he has to ask for Tom the barman to get to Daigon Alley. At this Riddle shows great displeasure at the name "Tom". Then he casually mentions his ability to commune with snakes. Yeah, nothing fishy about this guy.
Back in the Present Day, Dumbledore and Harry discuss the meaning of what they saw. Since Voldemort was actually in this scene, as opposed to Chapter Ten, we actually get some greater insight into Voldemort's personality.
1) He believed he was a wizard much more readily than Harry did when he was recruited for Hogwarts, because of his desire to be special, and to be acknowledged for it.
2) Unlike most wizards, Riddle's abilities were very well-developed for his age, and he had control over them as well.
3) Primarily, his powers were used to frighten, punish, and control those around him.
4) His contempt for his own name demonstrates how much he hates anything that ties him to other people. This is presumably why he started calling himself "Voldemort", because his entire given name was shared with others, and he wanted to be different, separate, and notorious.
5) In concert with his desire to be unique, he also has no use for help. Dumbledore describes him as self-sufficient, secretive, and friendless. Just as he wanted no help buying school supplies, he still prefers to work alone as an adult. This is important, because while the Death Eaters all claim to have some special relationship with the guy (read: Snape), the truth is that none of them truly understand him at all, and that's the way he likes it.
6) Finally, Voldemort has an appreciation for trophies, souveniers from the victims of his arcane cruelties. Dumbledore insists this will be crucial later on, but he doesn't explain why. I assume this trait is a psychological weakness that Harry might be able to exploit, like the time Batman tossed a bunch of coins at Two-Face so he couldn't tell how his double-headed coin had landed, thus preventing him from ever deciding whether or not to shoot him.
7) Dumbledore didn't point this out, but I do find it interesting that in the flashback, Riddle seemed to believe that he inherited his magical abilities from his father, rather than his mother. In his mind, his mother was too weak to be a wizard, or she wouldn't have died the way she did, while his father--whom he never knew--exists only in the realm of his imagination, and so he could possess any strength the young Voldemort ever ascribed to him. The fantasies of an orphan aside, I think this goes to show that Voldemort equates magic with power, and therefore he assumes that he's invincible because he's the most powerful wizard. This is probably why Dumbledore's lessons here have nothing to do with magic at all.
Notice how all of these qualities run completely counter to Harry's. Voldemort is starved for attention, while Harry seeks to avoid it. Voldemort was a prodigy in his day, while most of what I know about Harry's early days suggests that he had to struggle to stay caught up with his more experienced classmates. Voldemort uses his powers to control others, while Harry only seems to use them on behalf of his friends (although this seems like a thinly-veiled excuse at times). Volemort wants to cut himself off from humanity altogether, while Harry is perfectly willing to accept any help he can get, and he seems to have no shortage of friends. Voldemort collects momentos of his victories, while Harry would just as soon never set foot in the house he inherited from Sirius Black, which I seem to recall was the site of a major battle. And of course, Harry knows that Merope died in spite of her powers, something Voldemort probably wouldn't be able to fathom. There's probably even more parallels here, but I think I've made my point.
I'm a genfic man, and one of the reasons I loathe slash and het is because the emphasis is always placed on romance, which is usually bungled in the hands of less skilled writers. My appreciation for genfic stems from my appreciation for good villains, which in turn stems from the fact that a good villain is not only well-defined himself, but he in turn defines the hero. So it is with Lord Voldemort. I'm not wild about the whole Pensieve gimmick she used to do it, but Rowling has assembled a very masterful character analysis of TMR nevertheless. And I don't just mean she explained what he's like and how he feels about things. Rowling took these personality traits, which could have just as easily been attributed to a more sympathetic character, and cast them in the light of a villain. Voldemort's desperate for gratification and impatient with those less powerful than he is, but this isn't because he's lonely or dedicated, as Dumbledore might have once believed, long ago. No, it's because he's an egomaniac and a sociopath. And because Harry's his nemesis, Rowlings work here in Chapter 13 could be described as a photo negative of Harry's personality. Before, Harry wondered why Voldemort chose him instead of Neville, and I'm thinking the reason is that Voldemort caught on to this polar opposite thing early on, and decided Harry would be more fitting an adversary. Sick, huh? Well, that's just the way I likes it.
And I should point out that what we're seeing with Voldemort here is exactly what I was talking about when I complained about Snape in Chapter Two. Because Snape's so ambiguous, a dissection of his inner workings just won't be possible until much later on. I understand that, but I have to wonder: if we're just NOW learning what makes Voldemort tick, and we still don't know what's up with Snape, and Señor Draco has pretty much been written off as an inconsequential rival, then what exactly was going on in the last five books? Because I don't think I could put up with a book like this without a chapter like this one to explain why the bad guy is the way he is. Well, I didn't read Books 1-5, so I guess it's no skin off my nose, but for the sake of those who did, I sure hope some of what Dumbledore revealed here had been hinted at before.
RATING: GOOD
NEXT: Pumpkin juice. Works every time!