Part Five X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV or "Everyone in this book is a horse's ass."

[mike_smith]

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Last time, on The Casual Vacancy, Krystal Weedon left her three-year-old brother sitting alone on a bench while she went off to bang Fats Wall behind some bushes. Will she get pregnant? Will Robbie Weedon wander off and get into trouble? The answers to these questions... NOW!

X. Or not. Gavin Hughes spots Samantha Mollison walking around, and takes a detour to avoid her. He's gone to visit Mary Fairbrother, you see, and he doesn't want anyone to know that this is a personal visit. Gavin had heard that the Fairbrothers were thinking about moving out of town, but Barry was buried here, so that makes it a more difficult decision. He finally confesses his love for Mary, which is rather awkward since her husband just died like three weeks ago or something. But he was afraid she'd hear it from someone else, because Gavin thinks everyone is fascinated with his dealings. Instead, Mary reveals that she always knew. Barry told her that Gavin had always had the hots for Mary. Wait, what?

Gavin is dumbstruck by this, and he abruptly leaves. Okay, what the hell just happened? Gavin himself didn't know he had any particular feelings towards Mary until about halfway into the book. Hell, I'm not even sure he loves her right now, because I think he was just seeing her as a convenient pretext for breaking up with Kay. Barry thought that Gavin "faniced" his wife, but so what. Barry thought he could save the Fields. Barry thought one soccer game would reconcile Colin Wall with his son. Barry thought he would live to see fifty.

Besides, Mary hasn't exactly told him "no." Is the point here that Gavin is too self-conscious to even hear her out? Or are we supposed to recognize that Mary never had any interest in him and never would? Or is this just to demonstrate just how deep Gavin's apathy goes? His only friend in town was Barry, and perhaps the only reason for that was because he had secret longings for Barry's wife. Take that out of the equation and he never would have returned Barry's friendship, perhaps.

MEANWHILE...




MR. DOLT RODLOVER: So... Super Dumbass 4, eh? I have to admit, I wasn't prepared for this. I wonder how your new transformation will compare to my new hybrid wizard-dumbass body--

HARRY: YOU STOP SAY THINGS NOW TIME FOR BEAT YOU UP!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Astonishing! You're even dumber than I could have imagined! But that still won't help you now that--OHSHITHE'SKICKINGMYASS!

HARRY: U KILL PRETTY BIRD WHO LIVE WITH ME!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Again with the owl? What, did you marry it or something?

HARRY: IT HAVE PRETTY FEATHERS

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Dammit! I'd pictured a more dramatic showdown than this, but if that's the way it has to be, fine! Let this be our final battle! Green lightning attack!

HARRY: ARRRRGGHHHH! GLOWLY DEER HELP NOW!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Ow! I forgot he could do that! Uh... Burt Renyolds Death Ball!

HARRY: HA HA HA HA HA!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: What? It's not working? Burt Renyolds Death Ball! Burt Renyolds Death Ball!

HARRY: THAT ATTACK IS NO WORK! AAAAAAAHHHHH! NEED SWANK MUSTACHE TO DO!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Gasp!

XI. Hungover and dealing with allegations of cheating on his wife, Howard decides to stay home from work. Shirley decides to inform Maureen in person by taking their granddaugher to lunch at their cafe. There, she ruminates on her shame, thinking the entire town has been laughing at her behind her back. In reality, no one else has even seen the anonymous post about Howard and Maureen's trysts, and no one in the book has even mentioned them except for Patricia Mollison, who was an eyewitness. I suppose the real issue for Shirley is the humiliation. Calling out Howard or Maureen settles nothing. So she picks up Andrew Price's EpiPen and takes it with her, saying she's going to put it in the fridge in back. But she has far deadlier plans than that... At least, I'm assuming EpiPens can kill people. Shirley researched them earlier in the book, but I haven't.

See, Shirley recalls how esteemed Mary Fairbrother was at Barry's funeral, and she envies that now. As long as Howard is alive, Shirley is a cuckolded old fool. But if he dies, like Barry died, then Shirley would become a pitiable widow, immune to scandal or mockery. So it's not just about revenge, is the idea here.

XII. Meanwhile, at the riverbank, Krystal and Fats are still bumping uglies. Wait... I just got it. "Uglies" are a euphemism for genetalia, and you would "bump" them together during sex. I never thought about that before. They both planned to make this quick, because Robbie's close by, with only a pack of Rolo candies to hold his attention. And this is the very flaw in their plan, because Rolos are crammed full of caramel, and they didn't give him anything to wash it down. Krystal tells him to wait at the bench, but that works about as well as it did the last time she asked him to do that. At least then he had the candy to keep him occupied.

So Robbie wanders off. And he passes Gavin Hughes on the way. Gavin parked his car some distance from Mary's house because he didn't want anyone to know he was seeing her, but now he's forgotten where he parked. Super. He sees Robbie but fails to recognize the implications of an unsupervised toddler. Instead, he wishes he could go to Kay's place for consolation. Okay, fuck this guy. Seriously. He spent the whole book trying to get away from her, and now he's got his wish and the first thing he wants to do is go back to Shawshank. It never even dawns on him how he'd hate himself for it later, and how his entire relationship with Kay has been an endless cycle of regret. Ignoring the kid is one thing, but what's distracting him from the kid is patently ridiculous, even by the standards of his own warped internal logic.

Robbie moves on and discovers a soccer field, where he encounters Samantha Mollison. She's wandering around regretting her recent conduct around her husband. She sees Robbie, but doesn't find his presence on the field to be unusual, since her own children used to play here in much the same way. Great.

Robbie wanders back to the bushes, hoping Krystal is finished by now, but to his horror he finds no one there. He calls out for Krystal as Shirley Mollison passes by from the other side of the road. Like Gavin, she saw Samantha wandering around, and took a detour to avoid her. She glances at Robbie, but I guess she's too consumed with rage to think clearly. Shirley hears his cries, and this probably reminds her of the sort of derision and heckling she wants to avoid.

Somehow, Shirley comes across the bush where Krystal and Fats are, and is mortified to catch sight of them in the act. I guess Rowling couldn't resist such a moment, but I don't understand. If they never left the bushes, why couldn't Robbie find them? Or did Robbie go to the wrong bush by mistake? I guess he would have trouble remembering his way in a strange town, but the narration could have made that clearer.

MEANWHILE

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Curses! I shaved off my mustache to make me look less Italian, and now it's made me as weak and ineffectual as a Estonian in Lithuania! Who would have thought that my ignorant prejudice would work against me!?

HARRY: AHHHHHHHHH! NOW IS THE PART WHERE MY FIST HITS YOUR FACE HARD

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Wait! I just remembered! If you beat me up, you'll be hurting your friend Vegeta, too! After all, I'm infesting his body!

HARRY: GOOD POINT! BUT IF PUNCH NOT WORK, OPPOSITE OF PUNCH IS WORK.

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Aha! Now I've got you! Wait, opposite of punch? What is--OHCRAPNOWHE'SKICKING ME!

HARRY: DON'T WORRY BUDDY! FOOT PUNCHES WONT HURT YOU!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: His.... stupidity! Too intense...! Have to... escape...!

HARRY: THIS IS FOR BIRD! UNH! THIS IS FOR TONKS! GRUH! THIS IS FOR MOMMY! SCHMACK! THIS IS FOR DUMBLEDORE! WAIT. DID ME LIKE DUMBLEDORE. HIM KIND OF JERK IN RETROSPECT! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Now, while he's confused... must... crawl.... to safety....

XIII. Sukhvinder is also out and about. She's in a bad state of mind because she saw Fats, who's been bullying her constantly for the entire book, making out with Gaia Bawden, who had befriended her. They were both drunk and Gaia barely even remembers it, and besides, she had pulled away from Fats, vomited, and resumed sticking up for Sukhvinder. But Sukhvinder doesn't know that part, and as far as she's concerned, this is another betrayal. She thinks Gaia and Fats will hook up, and then she'll have to work with two dickholes who defend Fats in spite of his miserable conduct. So, like Gavin, Samantha, and Shirley, she's trying to avoid people right now.

Basically, she plans to take the bus to Yarvil and find some place private where she can cut herself. Then she can return home by 5:30 before her parents miss her. But never mind that shit, here comes Krystal Weedon!

Yes, finally Krystal has realized Robbie has gone missing, and she's frantically searching for him. Fats just stands around smoking a cigarette with one hand in his pocket. I'm assuming it's the back pocket, since that would make it easier for him to keep his thumb up his ass. Sukhvinder immediately goes to cross the bridge, hoping to avoid both of them. But then she sees Robbie in the rushing water.

Before she can really stop to think about it, she calls out to Krystal, then jumps into the river after the boy. And just for good measure, remember that computer Simon Price dumped in the river? Well, somehow it's still floating around, and Sukhvinder cuts her leg on the broken monitor.

XIV. Shirley returns home to carry out her murder plan. Just one problem: he's not in his bed where she left him. She wants to do it while he's asleep ("Justice required a sleeping Howard," although this isn't explained). She finds no sign of him in the kitchen or bathroom either. For a brief moment, I imagined Howard as some sort of fat, old Predator, lurking in the shadows, unseen, waiting to strike.

Shirley worries that Howard has left the house, perhaps to confer with Maureen. She goes to the sitting room to call the cafe and check, but before she gets to the phone, she finds Howard on the floor having a heart attack. Looks like Mother Nature beat her to the punch...

I suppose Howard's only in the sitting room because he had tried to reach the phone himself to call for help. Now he looks to Shirley to pick up where he left off. Instead, she runs out of the room to hide the EpiPen--twice, because the first hiding place must not have suited her--and then she comes back to call for an ambulance.

Ah, but here's the twist. The guy on the phone already dispatched an ambulance for Robbie Weedon. He thinks Shirley is calling about the same emergency, so he reassures her that they're already on the way to "Orrbank Cottage". I guess that's supposed to be where Robbie went in. I hate how the British name landmarks. It takes Shirley a moment to realize that's the wrong address, and she finally calls back to clarify they need an ambulance for "Thirty-six Evertree Crescent". Well at least that sounds like an address. I was afraid she's say "Ruthingford House-on-the-Abbey", or "Fiddlesticks Meadows" or "Windosmir-at-Kentshire." Or "Isengard."

MEANWHILE... ACTUALLY NOT VERY FAR AWAY AT ALL...



MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Gasp... gasp... need... help... Got to... find... medical assistance... But only... doctor in town... is brown-skinned... Gasp... pant....

DR. TUBBY: Hi! I'm an adorable dog! Bark bark bark!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Must... get to... Albania... safehouse.... Plan next move...

DR. TUBBY: I see you need medical attention, sir. You appear to be having some kind of allergic reaction! Fortunately, I found an EpiPen in that house over there! I thought I would find ice cream, but there wasn't any!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Allergic...? Wait... don't!

DR. TUBBY: Poke poke poke!

MR. DOLT RODLOVER: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Rrrrkkkk ggggkkkk! Bleah!

DR. TUBBY: Uh-oh! I wasn't expecting this! I'd better prepare to bark really loud, just in case!



VEGETA: Uggggghhhhhh....

VOLDEMORT: Oh no, I've been driven out of that body! Now, I'm just a pile of magical phlegm! I hate when this happens!

DR. TUBBY: Hello there! Are you delicious?

VOLDEMORT: No! Stay back!

HARRY: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH AFTER CAREFUL DELIBERATION DECIDED THAT DUMBLEDORE, WHILE BURDENED WITH SIGNIFICANT CHARACTER FLAWS, WAS STILL A CHERISHED FRIEND WHO DID NOT DESERVE TO BE MURDERED SO CALLOUSLY, EVEN IF IT WAS PART OF A LARGER PLAN HE HIMSELF COORDINATED. FURTHERMORE AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HE WOULD NOT HAVE NEEDED TO DIE AT ALL IF NOT FOR YOU STARTING SHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

VOLDEMORT: Gasp! No! It can't end like this! How could I have miscalculated so badly!

HARRY: DEER-ME-HAH-MAY-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

VOLDEMORT: Noooooooooooooo! Wottaworldwottaworld! (ded)

DR. TUBBY: Hooray! The world is saved!

HARRY: HE CREATED KISS TO DESTROY KISS, AND HE FAILED! ONCE AGAIN SUPER DUMBASS 4 HARRY HAS PROOVED THE JUSTICE OF OUR CULTURE! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

XV. I suppose Shirley called her son right after the ambulance, because Miles comes running out of the house in his slippers. He tries to phone his wife, and knocks on the Jawandas' door to seek their help. Parminder answers, and to her credit she moves instinctively for her doctor's bag, but then she remembers that she's suspended from work, and she 'can't'. There's no emotion from her in this scene, so it's hard to tell if she's sincerely apologetic or twisting the knife. Let's not forget, it was the Mollisons who got Parminder suspended in the first place. On the other hand, if she weren't suspended, she'd be at work right now, so she wouldn't be so close by anyway. They really need her husband, right? He's the cardiologist. Or whatever. He's the guy who did Howard's bypass surgery, so he's gonna get involved sooner or later.

Samantha happens by, and Miles fills her in. "My God. Oh my God," she says, which I believe marks the first time Samantha had a sincere reaction to anything Miles has said that didn't involve her directly. They hear sirens, but that's the ambulance headed for the Robbie Weedon situation, about a mile off. Let's check in with them, shall we?

Some guy walking his dog dragged Sukhvinder from the river. She managed to reach Robbie, but too late. The dog walker tries CPR for twenty minutes, but to no avail. He's dead.

Back at Howard's place, their ambulance arrives, and the EMTs struggle to hoist him up, so Miles and Samantha have to help. They tell Shirley to accompany him in the ambulance while they follow in the car, but Shirley's not thrilled to be riding along with her husband. I guess this is supposed to mirror Barry's ambulance ride, although I'm not sure what the point is to the comparison.

And that's Part Five. Cheery, no?

Well, it's not gonna get any better...

NEXT: Pagford EXPLODES INTO WA--oh, wait that never actually happens, does it?