Post-Rumble.
Jim came over and we went back to my apartment to watch the Royal Rumble. The big complaint about the show was that it was "too predictable". I'd respond to these complaints directly, but I don't have a wrestling-themed tumblr. While I don't have a good name in mind for a wrestling-themed tumblr, I think the bigger issue is that I wouldn't know what to write about on a regular basis. I'm usually pretty cool discussing wrestling on the internet about six times per year.
Anyway, I really liked the show, and while I found the finishes were kind of easy to see coming, that didn't bother me much. It's sort of like how an amusement park ride basically ends with you slowing to a stop and everyone gets off the same way they got on. No one complains that it was "predictable". It's the middle that counts. The end only matters in that it has to live up to the quality of the middle. Maybe I did see the finishes coming, but what I didn't forsee was whether or not the show would suck, and I was pleasantly surprised. It's like I told Jim. The thrill to ordering a pay-per-view lies in having no idea if this will be a classic or a train-wreck. Vince McMahon's got three hours to kill and he owns the promotion. If he wants to strut out to the ring and jerk off for entire night--literally jerk off, I mean--then he totally could. I could turn off the TV, but he's still got my money. I could demand my money back, maybe even get it, but he still "got" me. The Royal Rumble is a slam-dunk proposition, but if he decided to sabotage it, no one could stop him. You won't know for sure until you order it, or wait till it's over and read the results.
Anyway, it was a forgone conclusion back in July that the Rock would win the WWE title, and John Cena would earn a shot at said title by winning the Royal Rumble, and this would set up a WrestleMania XXIX rematch of their WrestleMania XXVIII encounter. There were other directions WWE could have gone, or other ways to make Rock/Cena II happen, but this was the most obvious one and for whatever reason they decided to just go with that instead of teasing the audience or getting cute about it. Personally, I find that refreshing, since it often seems like WWE spends too much time and energy trying to outsmart their audience instead of putting forth the best value possible. I'd rather be entertained than surprised. As I recall, last year's WrestleMania was the biggest grossing Mania in years, maybe ever. They'd be stupid not to try to cash in on a Rock/Cena rematch, especially if both guys were going to be at the show in any event. WrestleMania XXIX might not break any records, but I bet it'll still make a lot of money, and that's ultimately the point of this stuff. Rock vs. Cena part III would probably be pushing things, but we're not there yet.
This time of year, the interesting thing to do is to try and figure out what the rest of the WrestleMania card will look like. This is the other reason I find the "too predictable" complaint dumb. For a lot of fans, half the fun is trying to see around the corner. If you spend all your time speculating on future cards and outcomes, sooner or later you're going to get a few right. That isn't them being predictable, that's you being right, so enjoy it. Anyway, I haven't been following wrestling super-closely since I broke my leg, but I'm gonna try to guess at the rest of the WM29 card just based on what I've heard. I'll assume there's gonna be eight matches and they'll either put the US title or the IC belt on the line, but not both, because I have no idea.
1. WWE Championship: The Rock (c) vs. John Cena. I guess WWE could back off this idea in the next two months, but that'd be pretty dumb, since it's already in the fans' heads that it's bound to happen. I mean, if the Rock gets arrested on child pornography charges or something, they can improvise something else, but otherwise this is locked in.
2. World Heavyweight Championship: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio. All right, now we head into Fantasy Booking Land. Dolph won the Money in the Bank contract back in July. The gag is he can cash in the contract any time he wants and get a World title match. Traditionally, the MiTB winner waits until the champion just got beat up or otherwise appears vulnerable. Dolph's been kind of hard to figure out this time around, because he's a show-off. Arguably, he only entered the competition for the MitB contract just to say he won an eight-man ladder match. Having the contract, he didn't need to bother entering the Royal Rumble to win a title shot, but he explained that he planned to win the Rumble, win the WWE title at WrestleMania, then somewhere in between he'd win the World Heavywight Championship and unify the titles. He didn't succeed, but the audacity of his plan was impressive enough. I liked Dolph Ziggler before this, but at the Royal Rumble, I finally understood him. Unlike other Money in the Bank winners, he's not looking for the ideal opportunity to win a title. He's looking for a way to leverage the situation to puff up his own ego. So cashing in his contract and winning the title isn't enough.
So here's my idea. Somehow, some way, Dolph wins the World title without cashing in his contract. He'd be the first man to ever do this, which is impressive in itself. From there on, the contract is merely insurance. If he loses the belt, he has an automatic rematch in his back pocket, which is a great bad guy maneuver. But that's not his plan. His plan is to retain the title until after July, when they hold the next Money in the Bank competition. At that event, Dolph's contract expires, and he becomes the only Money in the Bank winner who never used it and still won the title anyway. Now he's not only the champion, but he's lapped everyone else in the race.
Now, whether or not he accomplishes this is immaterial. All that matters is that this is his arrogant motivation for defending the title at WrestleMania. Del Rio just wants to beat him so he can get his belt back. I could stick any babyface in here, but Del Rio's the current champion, and he only recently turned face, so Ziggler vs. Del Rio is a guaranteed fresh match, and both guys are over and talented, so it'd be awesome. And Del Rio looks like he's going into the match at a disadvantage, because Dolph could use his contract to get an instant do-over if he loses the title.
3. The Undertaker vs. CM Punk. This seems to be the rumor going around. It's not certain that the Undertaker will come back at all for this year's Mania, but if he does show up, he'll need an opponent, and CM Punk's probably been shut out of the main event. Fortunately, if you fight the Undertaker at WrestleMania, you're not only back in the main event, but you can upstage the other main-eventers by beating him to end the Streak. I don't know what the Undertaker's 2013 status is, or if there's someone else lined up to face him instead, but I could easily see Punk wanting to do this to salve his wounded pride. The last four WrestleManias have presented the Undertaker's Streak as a sort of hyperchampionship, so if Punk breaks the Streak he not only surpasses the WWE title he just lost, but he also demonstrates his superiority to the Rock and Cena in one stroke.
4. Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. I kind of wanted to see Undertaker vs. Brock, but the wind seems to be blowing towards Triple H instead, and unless something changes this is probably more likely to pass. Brock broke Triple H's arm back in April 2012, then he destroyed him at Summerslam 2012, and Triple H has barely appeared since then. Presumably, the idea is that he finishes eight months of soul-searching and stakes his career on one last match against Brock. This probably shouldn't be a Reitrement match per se, but the understanding should be that if Triple H loses, his body and spirit will be too broken down to continue. On the other hand, I could see Brock demanding a retirement stip just to demonstrate his position in the matter. Brock doesn't have anything to prove. Of course, the bigger issue is that even if Triple H wins, he's been winding down his career since 2010, and he really has nowhere left to go.
5. WWF Tag Team Championship: Team Hell No (Kane and Daniel Bryan) vs. Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett and U.S. Champion Antonio Caesaro. I'm just spitballing here. They set up a pretty cool rivalry between Team Hell No and Rhodes Scholars, but they just did that match at the Royal Rumble, and there really isn't another team for them to fight. I guess the Prime Time Players would be a smart choice, but I like my idea of teaming up the B-champions and having them gun for the tag titles for their own glorification. Personally, I'd rather they unified the IC and US championships, but that's not likely to happen, and this is the next best thing. And it makes an interesting contrast, where a dysfunctional team has to prove their worth against two very successful loners.
6. Triple Threat for the WWF Divas Championship: Kaitlyn (c) vs. Layla El vs. Natalya Neidhart. I'm pretty sure these are the only women left in the Divas division. Maybe Alicia Fox, so if they want to make it a four-way, I'm all for that. The WWE has never taken its women's division seriously, yet they insist on putting at least one meaningless Divas match on every PPV. Curiously, the 2013 Royal Rumble had no Divas match, and I suspect it's because they don't have enough PPV-caliber Divas left to use. This is because in 2012, a bunch of the Divas left the company. Kelly Kelly took time off and just never came back. Beth Phoenix gave notice while she was still the reigning Divas champion. Then they put the belt on Eve Torres and she turned around and did the same thing. Somewhere in there, the Bellas also left. I forget if one of them was champion when they decided to leave. I suppose each of them had their own reasons for leaving, but the pattern sure makes it seem like the Divas have stopped taking WWE seriously, just as WWE never took them seriously.
Now, the ones who are still left are at a crossroads, because this is their golden opportunity to get the spotlight now that all the others are gone. Thing is, if the others left while they were in that spot, is it really such a good spot to be in? Given a lack of Divas, the WWE seems to be faced with a dilemma between booking the same six Divas matches at every show, or having no Divas matches at all in order to keep the six possible matches fresh. Personally, I think WWE should play into this whole Fall of the Divas concept and make this WrestleMania Divageddon. They fight for the championship in one big free-for-all, and then they all disappear, never to be seen again.
7. Rey Mysterio vs. Sin Cara. WWE's wanted to do this Rey/Sin Cara match for years, just so they can have all the fans wear masks at WrestleMania, thereby breaking the record for most masks work in one place. Something like that. The only problem is that Rey's been out for most of the year due to injuries and/or personal problems, and Sin Cara has been sidetracked with botched spots and everyone being down on him for said botched spots. Oh, and I think he got injured too maybe? They both came back for the Royal Rumble, but I'm pretty sure that was just to remind the audience that they exist. Godfather came back for the Royal Rumble, but that was mostly because he could get thrown out in two seconds without hurting himself. It's a feel-good comeback, not a comeback where he goes on to be in a big match at WrestleMania. At this point, I seriously wonder if Rey and Sin Cara are in the Godfather's category now.
Anyway, knowing WWE, they've probably lost confidence in either guy, but they'll still do the match anyway because they want to break the record. This attitude will result in the whole thing getting screwed up, and I wouldn't be shocked if the fans lose interest and fail to wear masks to the show, thus defeating the entire point. I'm cool with Rey vs. Sin Cara and the whole mask record thing, but you can't just do it, you have to promote it right. Since 2011, they've treated Sin Cara like dogcrap and Rey's biggest career highlight has been a ninety-minute title reign. Why would anyone over the age of nine want to wear either guy's mask right now?
8. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus. Hell if I know. I heard there was talk of turning Orton heel and he and Sheamus haven't fought in a while, so let's do that. Presumably heel Orton can find a way to make Sheamus want to kick his ass.
Pre-Show: Miz vs. Big Show. I just remembered these are the only halfway important guys left.
Anyway, I really liked the show, and while I found the finishes were kind of easy to see coming, that didn't bother me much. It's sort of like how an amusement park ride basically ends with you slowing to a stop and everyone gets off the same way they got on. No one complains that it was "predictable". It's the middle that counts. The end only matters in that it has to live up to the quality of the middle. Maybe I did see the finishes coming, but what I didn't forsee was whether or not the show would suck, and I was pleasantly surprised. It's like I told Jim. The thrill to ordering a pay-per-view lies in having no idea if this will be a classic or a train-wreck. Vince McMahon's got three hours to kill and he owns the promotion. If he wants to strut out to the ring and jerk off for entire night--literally jerk off, I mean--then he totally could. I could turn off the TV, but he's still got my money. I could demand my money back, maybe even get it, but he still "got" me. The Royal Rumble is a slam-dunk proposition, but if he decided to sabotage it, no one could stop him. You won't know for sure until you order it, or wait till it's over and read the results.
Anyway, it was a forgone conclusion back in July that the Rock would win the WWE title, and John Cena would earn a shot at said title by winning the Royal Rumble, and this would set up a WrestleMania XXIX rematch of their WrestleMania XXVIII encounter. There were other directions WWE could have gone, or other ways to make Rock/Cena II happen, but this was the most obvious one and for whatever reason they decided to just go with that instead of teasing the audience or getting cute about it. Personally, I find that refreshing, since it often seems like WWE spends too much time and energy trying to outsmart their audience instead of putting forth the best value possible. I'd rather be entertained than surprised. As I recall, last year's WrestleMania was the biggest grossing Mania in years, maybe ever. They'd be stupid not to try to cash in on a Rock/Cena rematch, especially if both guys were going to be at the show in any event. WrestleMania XXIX might not break any records, but I bet it'll still make a lot of money, and that's ultimately the point of this stuff. Rock vs. Cena part III would probably be pushing things, but we're not there yet.
This time of year, the interesting thing to do is to try and figure out what the rest of the WrestleMania card will look like. This is the other reason I find the "too predictable" complaint dumb. For a lot of fans, half the fun is trying to see around the corner. If you spend all your time speculating on future cards and outcomes, sooner or later you're going to get a few right. That isn't them being predictable, that's you being right, so enjoy it. Anyway, I haven't been following wrestling super-closely since I broke my leg, but I'm gonna try to guess at the rest of the WM29 card just based on what I've heard. I'll assume there's gonna be eight matches and they'll either put the US title or the IC belt on the line, but not both, because I have no idea.
1. WWE Championship: The Rock (c) vs. John Cena. I guess WWE could back off this idea in the next two months, but that'd be pretty dumb, since it's already in the fans' heads that it's bound to happen. I mean, if the Rock gets arrested on child pornography charges or something, they can improvise something else, but otherwise this is locked in.
2. World Heavyweight Championship: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio. All right, now we head into Fantasy Booking Land. Dolph won the Money in the Bank contract back in July. The gag is he can cash in the contract any time he wants and get a World title match. Traditionally, the MiTB winner waits until the champion just got beat up or otherwise appears vulnerable. Dolph's been kind of hard to figure out this time around, because he's a show-off. Arguably, he only entered the competition for the MitB contract just to say he won an eight-man ladder match. Having the contract, he didn't need to bother entering the Royal Rumble to win a title shot, but he explained that he planned to win the Rumble, win the WWE title at WrestleMania, then somewhere in between he'd win the World Heavywight Championship and unify the titles. He didn't succeed, but the audacity of his plan was impressive enough. I liked Dolph Ziggler before this, but at the Royal Rumble, I finally understood him. Unlike other Money in the Bank winners, he's not looking for the ideal opportunity to win a title. He's looking for a way to leverage the situation to puff up his own ego. So cashing in his contract and winning the title isn't enough.
So here's my idea. Somehow, some way, Dolph wins the World title without cashing in his contract. He'd be the first man to ever do this, which is impressive in itself. From there on, the contract is merely insurance. If he loses the belt, he has an automatic rematch in his back pocket, which is a great bad guy maneuver. But that's not his plan. His plan is to retain the title until after July, when they hold the next Money in the Bank competition. At that event, Dolph's contract expires, and he becomes the only Money in the Bank winner who never used it and still won the title anyway. Now he's not only the champion, but he's lapped everyone else in the race.
Now, whether or not he accomplishes this is immaterial. All that matters is that this is his arrogant motivation for defending the title at WrestleMania. Del Rio just wants to beat him so he can get his belt back. I could stick any babyface in here, but Del Rio's the current champion, and he only recently turned face, so Ziggler vs. Del Rio is a guaranteed fresh match, and both guys are over and talented, so it'd be awesome. And Del Rio looks like he's going into the match at a disadvantage, because Dolph could use his contract to get an instant do-over if he loses the title.
3. The Undertaker vs. CM Punk. This seems to be the rumor going around. It's not certain that the Undertaker will come back at all for this year's Mania, but if he does show up, he'll need an opponent, and CM Punk's probably been shut out of the main event. Fortunately, if you fight the Undertaker at WrestleMania, you're not only back in the main event, but you can upstage the other main-eventers by beating him to end the Streak. I don't know what the Undertaker's 2013 status is, or if there's someone else lined up to face him instead, but I could easily see Punk wanting to do this to salve his wounded pride. The last four WrestleManias have presented the Undertaker's Streak as a sort of hyperchampionship, so if Punk breaks the Streak he not only surpasses the WWE title he just lost, but he also demonstrates his superiority to the Rock and Cena in one stroke.
4. Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar. I kind of wanted to see Undertaker vs. Brock, but the wind seems to be blowing towards Triple H instead, and unless something changes this is probably more likely to pass. Brock broke Triple H's arm back in April 2012, then he destroyed him at Summerslam 2012, and Triple H has barely appeared since then. Presumably, the idea is that he finishes eight months of soul-searching and stakes his career on one last match against Brock. This probably shouldn't be a Reitrement match per se, but the understanding should be that if Triple H loses, his body and spirit will be too broken down to continue. On the other hand, I could see Brock demanding a retirement stip just to demonstrate his position in the matter. Brock doesn't have anything to prove. Of course, the bigger issue is that even if Triple H wins, he's been winding down his career since 2010, and he really has nowhere left to go.
5. WWF Tag Team Championship: Team Hell No (Kane and Daniel Bryan) vs. Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett and U.S. Champion Antonio Caesaro. I'm just spitballing here. They set up a pretty cool rivalry between Team Hell No and Rhodes Scholars, but they just did that match at the Royal Rumble, and there really isn't another team for them to fight. I guess the Prime Time Players would be a smart choice, but I like my idea of teaming up the B-champions and having them gun for the tag titles for their own glorification. Personally, I'd rather they unified the IC and US championships, but that's not likely to happen, and this is the next best thing. And it makes an interesting contrast, where a dysfunctional team has to prove their worth against two very successful loners.
6. Triple Threat for the WWF Divas Championship: Kaitlyn (c) vs. Layla El vs. Natalya Neidhart. I'm pretty sure these are the only women left in the Divas division. Maybe Alicia Fox, so if they want to make it a four-way, I'm all for that. The WWE has never taken its women's division seriously, yet they insist on putting at least one meaningless Divas match on every PPV. Curiously, the 2013 Royal Rumble had no Divas match, and I suspect it's because they don't have enough PPV-caliber Divas left to use. This is because in 2012, a bunch of the Divas left the company. Kelly Kelly took time off and just never came back. Beth Phoenix gave notice while she was still the reigning Divas champion. Then they put the belt on Eve Torres and she turned around and did the same thing. Somewhere in there, the Bellas also left. I forget if one of them was champion when they decided to leave. I suppose each of them had their own reasons for leaving, but the pattern sure makes it seem like the Divas have stopped taking WWE seriously, just as WWE never took them seriously.
Now, the ones who are still left are at a crossroads, because this is their golden opportunity to get the spotlight now that all the others are gone. Thing is, if the others left while they were in that spot, is it really such a good spot to be in? Given a lack of Divas, the WWE seems to be faced with a dilemma between booking the same six Divas matches at every show, or having no Divas matches at all in order to keep the six possible matches fresh. Personally, I think WWE should play into this whole Fall of the Divas concept and make this WrestleMania Divageddon. They fight for the championship in one big free-for-all, and then they all disappear, never to be seen again.
7. Rey Mysterio vs. Sin Cara. WWE's wanted to do this Rey/Sin Cara match for years, just so they can have all the fans wear masks at WrestleMania, thereby breaking the record for most masks work in one place. Something like that. The only problem is that Rey's been out for most of the year due to injuries and/or personal problems, and Sin Cara has been sidetracked with botched spots and everyone being down on him for said botched spots. Oh, and I think he got injured too maybe? They both came back for the Royal Rumble, but I'm pretty sure that was just to remind the audience that they exist. Godfather came back for the Royal Rumble, but that was mostly because he could get thrown out in two seconds without hurting himself. It's a feel-good comeback, not a comeback where he goes on to be in a big match at WrestleMania. At this point, I seriously wonder if Rey and Sin Cara are in the Godfather's category now.
Anyway, knowing WWE, they've probably lost confidence in either guy, but they'll still do the match anyway because they want to break the record. This attitude will result in the whole thing getting screwed up, and I wouldn't be shocked if the fans lose interest and fail to wear masks to the show, thus defeating the entire point. I'm cool with Rey vs. Sin Cara and the whole mask record thing, but you can't just do it, you have to promote it right. Since 2011, they've treated Sin Cara like dogcrap and Rey's biggest career highlight has been a ninety-minute title reign. Why would anyone over the age of nine want to wear either guy's mask right now?
8. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus. Hell if I know. I heard there was talk of turning Orton heel and he and Sheamus haven't fought in a while, so let's do that. Presumably heel Orton can find a way to make Sheamus want to kick his ass.
Pre-Show: Miz vs. Big Show. I just remembered these are the only halfway important guys left.