The Move
Guess I'd better get back to this before common sense takes over.
Chapter 2: Aunt Marge's Big Mistake (Original Japanese Title: "Ill-Conceived!! Harry's Quiet Wrath!")
So it's about six hours after the last chapter, and mercifully, Rowling managed to resist the temptation to depict Harry sleeping this time, so we pick up in the morning, where the Dursleys probably know it's Harry's birthday, but don't care. Sort of like me, only fatter. On the other hand, they did go ahead and buy a new TV set for their son Dudley, both as a welcome-home-for-the-summer gift, and to solve the whole problem of that long, hard, TV-free walk from the living room to the kitchen. Around here, I start to wonder if Rowling is deliberately trying to make the Dursleys this absurd. OK, we get it, they resent Harry, and spoil Dudley, and they're really fat. I mean, "bought him a TV so he'd have one to watch on his way to the fridge" is the kind of joke I should be making, because I'm the wiseass reviewer doing a parody of the book. When Rowling does it... well, now I fully understand what self-parody means. But again, maybe it's intentional, since I don't remember Slughorn getting this kind of treatment.
Fortunately, this emergency backup TV helps to advance the plot, as it helpfully airs a news program about how a dude named Black escaped from prison. He's armed and dangerous, and there's a hotline you can call if you see him. But since Uncle Vernon is a flat character, he's really only convinced Black is bad news because of how unkempt his hair is in the mug shot... the way Harry's is. Yeah, we get it. Geez. The news moves on to some other story, which Vernon finds strange since they never bothered to explain which prison Black escaped from. "What use is that?" he asks. Dude, it doesn't matter where the prison was, because he escaped, i.e., he ain't there no more. Unless Black snuck into the warden's office, figuring no one would ever think to look for him there. He could hide in the warden's TV set, and pretend to be different TV shows whenever the warden changes the channel, like that Tex Avery cartoon. If Black were cool, that is.
Around here, Aunt Petunia starts looking out the window, all paranoid-like. The narration observes that she's bony and horse-faced, which I guess owes to the fact that she married into this family of fat people. She also agrees with Vernon's insistence that hanging is the only way to deal with criminals. What is this, 1910? This frustrates me, because Vernon's so close to figuring it out. Criminals should be hanged to death. Black is a criminal. Black has shaggy, unkempt hair. Harry has shaggy unkempt hair. Conclusion: Harry Potter is a criminal who must be hanged to death.
But to the matter at hand, Vernon's gotta pick up his sister Marge here in a minute. In a nutshell, Marge is big and fat, hates Harry, and spoils Dudley. In other words, she's just a second Vernon who wears a dress, but Rowling apparently thinks bringing her into the mix somehow alters the dynamic here. She'll be visiting for a week, so Vernon takes Harry aside and orders him to be on his best behavior. He doesn't really explain what that means, but I assume he's referring to all that annoying "existing" that Harry keeps doing. Look, I know it's "hip" and "rad" to you kids, but it's a filthy habit.
More specifically, he doesn't want any weird crap going on. Again, Harry was doing his homework in secret before Marge arrived, so what kind of "funny stuff" was he pulling before? Harry can't even say the name of the school he goes to in front of Vernon, and Vernon actually knows what it's called, so why would he spill the beans to Marge? But, just to cover that angle, Vernon explains the cover story: Harry's been attending "St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys". Is that even a real school? I mean, "incurably"? I'm not saying Harry isn't a sociopath, but I'm surprised that there's a school that would be un-P.C. enough to come out and say it.
Anyway, this is where Harry seems to show a bit of intelligence. See, he'll be a third year at Hogwarts this time around, and third years get to go on field trips to the local village... provided they get a parent or guardian to sign a permission slip. Harry had abandoned that idea off the bat, since his guardians hate his guts and all, but now that he has some leverage, he starts to negotiate. So, as long as Vernon signs the permission slip, Harry will stick to the reform school story around Aunt Marge. Vernon threatens to beat the crap out of Harry for even daring to defy him, but he's more worried about keeping up appearances with Marge, so he relents and agrees to Harry's terms. Hey, maybe I had the kid figured all wrong after all.
EXCEPT, Vernon only agrees to sign the form after Marge's visit is over. In other words, Harry is taking Vernon at his word, and Vernon's only motivation in these books is to crush Harry's hopes and dreams, so why should he expect any honor from him? And this, folks, is why Harry is a dumbass. I'm sure the dark, unkempt hair is supposed to be some sentimental connection between him and his dead parents, but the truth is that all dumbasses look that way, mainly because they're too dumb to operate a comb.
The rest of the chapter details Marge's visit, but frankly it's just the same crap Harry was putting up with before, only Marge is more interested in antagonizing Harry than in ignoring him. Harry manages to stay civil by focusing on Hogsmeade and his ultimate goal of getting the permission slip signed, but things finally deteriorate on the last night over dinner. There, Marge has a few drinky-winkies and starts taking potshots at Harry's parents. Recall that Harry's dead parents were wizards, and since that has to be kept a secret from non-wizards like Marge, the conventional wisdom holds that Harry's folks were unemployed, and died in a car wreck. For some reason, Marge seems to find that incredibly disgraceful, inferring that they must have been lazy and drunk to have been in such circumstances. Harry has all he can stands, and he can't stands any more, so he starts arguing with Marge openly, only for her to suddenly swelling up like a baloon, even floating around in the air. This upsets even her pet bulldog, who "came skidding into the room, barking madly. 'NOOOOOOOOO!'"
Wait, the dog barked "NOOOOOOOO!" And they were worried about Marge finding out that Harry was weird? And what is this "Ripper's" connections to Darth Vader, anyway? Suckas gots ta know.
Still furious, Harry storms out of the room and packs up all his crap, like he's planning to just leave. Vernon comes out shortly afterward to confront him, "his trouser leg in bloody tatters". Whoa-whoa-WHOA! I missed that part the first time I read this. So we're to infer that Marge not only didn't revert to normal, but she exploded, too? Yet Vernon still demands that Harry change her back to normal. Uh, I think we're past that point, chief. Way past...
In response, our hero pulls his wand out of his luggage and levels it at Vernon to hold him at bay. "She deserved it. She deserved what she got. You keep away from me. I'm going. I've had enough." And then he drags his trunk out the door in the middle of the night.
...
He KILLED his aunt? I thought he just almost killed her on the first read, and I was all set to write a scathing condemnation of his reckless actions. And I guess the "almost" still stands, because later on we'll learn the Ministry showed up and somehow put everything back to normal, but we're still left to assume that Marge blew up like a balloon, and something happened that covered Vernon's pants with blood. Maybe Vernon did that himself, trying to deflate Marge by puncturing her with a steak knife or something. Someone try to convince me that this is on Vernon somehow. Go on, try.
And for what? "She deserved it?" So dissing on someone's parents justifies manslaughter? Gee, I wonder what James and Lilly said about Voldemort's mom, then. Because apparently if they had one too many that night and said something stupid about the lady, then whatever happened next was perfectly justified.
And didn't Draco talk some smack about Harry's folks? Sober, even. When does Harry freak out and almost kill Draco, then? Oh, that's right, I forgot HE DID THAT ALREADY. And he got f***ing detention for it. How messed up is this book that it features werewolves, escaped prisoners, feral books, and mutant skeletons, and the first one to draw blood is the thirteen year old boy who's supposed to be the hero?
I mean, for the love of... WHY DOESN'T ANYONE TALK ABOUT THIS? Everyone from the Pope on down rags on these books for promoting witchcraft, "ruining" characters, undermining Christianity, etc. etc. etc. How about the fact that the damn protagonist explodes people with his mind and he doesn't even feel guilty about it? Where's the damn outrage? Where's the italics? Where's St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys when we NEED it?
Anyway, this chapter blows, because it was clearly intended as a stand-alone Dursleys episode to make Harry look sympathetic, except it completely backfires, and any consequences that might have come from this will be utterly negated by Chapter Four.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: I sentence you to... Hot Cocoa!
Chapter 2: Aunt Marge's Big Mistake (Original Japanese Title: "Ill-Conceived!! Harry's Quiet Wrath!")
So it's about six hours after the last chapter, and mercifully, Rowling managed to resist the temptation to depict Harry sleeping this time, so we pick up in the morning, where the Dursleys probably know it's Harry's birthday, but don't care. Sort of like me, only fatter. On the other hand, they did go ahead and buy a new TV set for their son Dudley, both as a welcome-home-for-the-summer gift, and to solve the whole problem of that long, hard, TV-free walk from the living room to the kitchen. Around here, I start to wonder if Rowling is deliberately trying to make the Dursleys this absurd. OK, we get it, they resent Harry, and spoil Dudley, and they're really fat. I mean, "bought him a TV so he'd have one to watch on his way to the fridge" is the kind of joke I should be making, because I'm the wiseass reviewer doing a parody of the book. When Rowling does it... well, now I fully understand what self-parody means. But again, maybe it's intentional, since I don't remember Slughorn getting this kind of treatment.
Fortunately, this emergency backup TV helps to advance the plot, as it helpfully airs a news program about how a dude named Black escaped from prison. He's armed and dangerous, and there's a hotline you can call if you see him. But since Uncle Vernon is a flat character, he's really only convinced Black is bad news because of how unkempt his hair is in the mug shot... the way Harry's is. Yeah, we get it. Geez. The news moves on to some other story, which Vernon finds strange since they never bothered to explain which prison Black escaped from. "What use is that?" he asks. Dude, it doesn't matter where the prison was, because he escaped, i.e., he ain't there no more. Unless Black snuck into the warden's office, figuring no one would ever think to look for him there. He could hide in the warden's TV set, and pretend to be different TV shows whenever the warden changes the channel, like that Tex Avery cartoon. If Black were cool, that is.
Around here, Aunt Petunia starts looking out the window, all paranoid-like. The narration observes that she's bony and horse-faced, which I guess owes to the fact that she married into this family of fat people. She also agrees with Vernon's insistence that hanging is the only way to deal with criminals. What is this, 1910? This frustrates me, because Vernon's so close to figuring it out. Criminals should be hanged to death. Black is a criminal. Black has shaggy, unkempt hair. Harry has shaggy unkempt hair. Conclusion: Harry Potter is a criminal who must be hanged to death.
But to the matter at hand, Vernon's gotta pick up his sister Marge here in a minute. In a nutshell, Marge is big and fat, hates Harry, and spoils Dudley. In other words, she's just a second Vernon who wears a dress, but Rowling apparently thinks bringing her into the mix somehow alters the dynamic here. She'll be visiting for a week, so Vernon takes Harry aside and orders him to be on his best behavior. He doesn't really explain what that means, but I assume he's referring to all that annoying "existing" that Harry keeps doing. Look, I know it's "hip" and "rad" to you kids, but it's a filthy habit.
More specifically, he doesn't want any weird crap going on. Again, Harry was doing his homework in secret before Marge arrived, so what kind of "funny stuff" was he pulling before? Harry can't even say the name of the school he goes to in front of Vernon, and Vernon actually knows what it's called, so why would he spill the beans to Marge? But, just to cover that angle, Vernon explains the cover story: Harry's been attending "St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys". Is that even a real school? I mean, "incurably"? I'm not saying Harry isn't a sociopath, but I'm surprised that there's a school that would be un-P.C. enough to come out and say it.
Anyway, this is where Harry seems to show a bit of intelligence. See, he'll be a third year at Hogwarts this time around, and third years get to go on field trips to the local village... provided they get a parent or guardian to sign a permission slip. Harry had abandoned that idea off the bat, since his guardians hate his guts and all, but now that he has some leverage, he starts to negotiate. So, as long as Vernon signs the permission slip, Harry will stick to the reform school story around Aunt Marge. Vernon threatens to beat the crap out of Harry for even daring to defy him, but he's more worried about keeping up appearances with Marge, so he relents and agrees to Harry's terms. Hey, maybe I had the kid figured all wrong after all.
EXCEPT, Vernon only agrees to sign the form after Marge's visit is over. In other words, Harry is taking Vernon at his word, and Vernon's only motivation in these books is to crush Harry's hopes and dreams, so why should he expect any honor from him? And this, folks, is why Harry is a dumbass. I'm sure the dark, unkempt hair is supposed to be some sentimental connection between him and his dead parents, but the truth is that all dumbasses look that way, mainly because they're too dumb to operate a comb.
The rest of the chapter details Marge's visit, but frankly it's just the same crap Harry was putting up with before, only Marge is more interested in antagonizing Harry than in ignoring him. Harry manages to stay civil by focusing on Hogsmeade and his ultimate goal of getting the permission slip signed, but things finally deteriorate on the last night over dinner. There, Marge has a few drinky-winkies and starts taking potshots at Harry's parents. Recall that Harry's dead parents were wizards, and since that has to be kept a secret from non-wizards like Marge, the conventional wisdom holds that Harry's folks were unemployed, and died in a car wreck. For some reason, Marge seems to find that incredibly disgraceful, inferring that they must have been lazy and drunk to have been in such circumstances. Harry has all he can stands, and he can't stands any more, so he starts arguing with Marge openly, only for her to suddenly swelling up like a baloon, even floating around in the air. This upsets even her pet bulldog, who "came skidding into the room, barking madly. 'NOOOOOOOOO!'"
Wait, the dog barked "NOOOOOOOO!" And they were worried about Marge finding out that Harry was weird? And what is this "Ripper's" connections to Darth Vader, anyway? Suckas gots ta know.
Still furious, Harry storms out of the room and packs up all his crap, like he's planning to just leave. Vernon comes out shortly afterward to confront him, "his trouser leg in bloody tatters". Whoa-whoa-WHOA! I missed that part the first time I read this. So we're to infer that Marge not only didn't revert to normal, but she exploded, too? Yet Vernon still demands that Harry change her back to normal. Uh, I think we're past that point, chief. Way past...
In response, our hero pulls his wand out of his luggage and levels it at Vernon to hold him at bay. "She deserved it. She deserved what she got. You keep away from me. I'm going. I've had enough." And then he drags his trunk out the door in the middle of the night.
...
He KILLED his aunt? I thought he just almost killed her on the first read, and I was all set to write a scathing condemnation of his reckless actions. And I guess the "almost" still stands, because later on we'll learn the Ministry showed up and somehow put everything back to normal, but we're still left to assume that Marge blew up like a balloon, and something happened that covered Vernon's pants with blood. Maybe Vernon did that himself, trying to deflate Marge by puncturing her with a steak knife or something. Someone try to convince me that this is on Vernon somehow. Go on, try.
And for what? "She deserved it?" So dissing on someone's parents justifies manslaughter? Gee, I wonder what James and Lilly said about Voldemort's mom, then. Because apparently if they had one too many that night and said something stupid about the lady, then whatever happened next was perfectly justified.
And didn't Draco talk some smack about Harry's folks? Sober, even. When does Harry freak out and almost kill Draco, then? Oh, that's right, I forgot HE DID THAT ALREADY. And he got f***ing detention for it. How messed up is this book that it features werewolves, escaped prisoners, feral books, and mutant skeletons, and the first one to draw blood is the thirteen year old boy who's supposed to be the hero?
I mean, for the love of... WHY DOESN'T ANYONE TALK ABOUT THIS? Everyone from the Pope on down rags on these books for promoting witchcraft, "ruining" characters, undermining Christianity, etc. etc. etc. How about the fact that the damn protagonist explodes people with his mind and he doesn't even feel guilty about it? Where's the damn outrage? Where's the italics? Where's St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys when we NEED it?
Anyway, this chapter blows, because it was clearly intended as a stand-alone Dursleys episode to make Harry look sympathetic, except it completely backfires, and any consequences that might have come from this will be utterly negated by Chapter Four.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: I sentence you to... Hot Cocoa!