-30-
"I moost break yoo."
"Go for it."
Before we get underway, a brief follow-up to something I mentioned earlier. You may recall that I lambasted CNN movie critic Paul Clinton for his wishy-washy review of "Goblet of Fire". My interpretation of his writing was that Clinton found the movie rather disappointing (especially compared to the last three in the series) but he seemed unable or unwilling to explain why, choosing instead to heap praise on the Harry Potter franchise, if not the actual movie that was the topic of his article. It struck me that Clinton was probably worried that if he truly explained his dissatisfaction, he'd get loads of hate mail from the hardcore fans.
Well, as I was reading this article about how the new "Aeon Flux" movie isn't even being screened for critics, I found out I was right.
For audiences, reviewers offer an opinion on the quality of a film. Some moviegoers take these reviews very seriously -- to the point that, if a reviewer disagrees with an audience member's belief, the critic gets bombarded with hate mail. (You should have seen some of the missives CNN.com received after Paul Clinton's lukewarm review of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.") But most people realize a review is one person's opinion -- part of a guide to decide if you want to spend your money to see the film.
What makes this so freaky is that Paul Clinton didn't even say anything that bad about "Goblet of Fire". He basically said it wasn't as good as the first three movies, without really bothering to say why. And yet, even when he whitewashes that statement with declarations of how big a fan he is and how much he's looking forward to seeing the next one, he gets hate mail anyway. So, yeah, I'm betting he's pretty hypersensitive when it comes to the ire of the Harry Potter fandom.
Of course, a year ago I might have concluded by saying that if there's one thing Harry Potter fans despise, it's a dissenting opinion, but in the last several months I've come to learn otherwise. I don't know, maybe Paul Clinton just needs to make more anime jokes when he reviews "Order of the Phoenix".
And speaking of anime, if I can get back to Aeon Flux for a second... and I don't even know if Aeon Flux counts as anime or not, but bear with me as I make my segue. Speaking of anime, as the CNN article suggests, Aeon Flux is probably in danger of bombing, because movies typically have screening for the critics to help promote them... unless the movie studio knows they've got a turkey on their hands, in which case they keep it as far from the critics as they can to minimize the damage. I'm pretty sure "Catwoman" was a similar case. I know for certain that "Gigli" and "The Adventures of Pluto Nash" weren't screened for the critics either. "Serenity" probably shouldn't have been screened for the critics either, but Joss Wheedon bribed them all instead, or at least that's my theory.
Anyway, if you're wondering why "Aeon Flux" might be a shaky prospect, it comes down to several contributing factors:
1) The cartoon the movie is adapting hasn't been on the air in about ten years, and when it WAS on, it was like midnights on MTV.
2) The cartoon never made a lick of sense, meaning the screenwriters probably has no hope in hell of making a storyline that will appeal to its fanbase.
3) In the movie, Aeon Flux is fully clothed.
This last one is what ticks me off the most, both as a nitpicker and as a heterosexual male. The whole point, in my mind, of doing a live-action Aeon Flux movie is that it'd be an anatomically correct human woman running around in that stupid BDSM outfit Peter Chung designed for his lanky, gangly-limbed anorexic heroine. There's no other reason to make a movie like this except to cram Charlize Theron into the suit and have her pick locks with her tongue like the character did in the cartoon. Maybe she objected to a costume so revealing, but you know what? Brandon Routh has to fly around for two hours in silly red underwear and let everyone get an eyeful of his batch, and if he doesn't like it, T.S., because that's the only way the public will see him and understand that he's playing Superman.
That's the thing. It's not that the movie costume they made for Flux isn't attractive, but it isn't identifiable either. This is the same thing that killed Halle Berry as Catwoman. You take one look at her with her silly "claw-ripped" pants and her open-toed shoes and evening gloves and you say to yourself "That's not Catwoman." This is the same thing that killed "Batman and Robin", when they made Batgirl a blonde and took the ears off her mask. "That's not Batgirl". Aeon Flux is on the back cover of every comic book I bought this week, but never once do I look at the ad and recognize the picture as Aeon Flux. "Oh, that's Charlize Theron in a form-fitting black costume." How would you distinguish her from Emma Peel from the Avengers, or that chick on the DVD cover to that "Underworld" movie, or whatsername from the Matrix movies, or Elektra's stupid costume from HER crappy movie? You can't. And since we've already seen those movies, why will anyone watch this new one about a heroine with the exact same visual? They won't.
Since I may have lost most of my female audience at this point, let me suggest the following visual to you: Alan Rickman reprises his role as Snape in the next HP Movie... and this time, he's a redhead. Also, he's not gonna wear that trenchcoat or robe or whatever that is. It's too hot under all those floodlights they use during filming, so he'll wear a breezy T-shirt instead. Imagine this, and try not to think about the angry mob of fans marching to Warner Bros. with torches and pitchforks. Now, obviously the Aeon Flux fandom, such that it is these days, is probably just grateful to have this movie, and there wouldn't be enough of them to start a huge outcry or anything. But if it's little details like this that separate big fandoms from little ones in the first place. Aeon Flux was never gonna make a ton of money, but if you homogenize the franchise and make it conform to every other piece-of-crap movie that's gone before, how would it ever have a chance to make ANY money?
All right, enough about that. Scantily clad women aren't on the menu tonight, folks. Hell no, this is Harry Potter, and this... is the end. My only friend. The End. This sonofabitch book and I have had our wars, but this crap ENDS, here and NOW. One shall stand, one shall fall. And since I happen to know a certain purple book that doesn't have legs or feet, I'm liking my odds a whole lot.
Chapter 30: The White Tomb
(Original Japanese Title: "Dumbledore's Death. The Impotent Hatred.")
Typically, the response I've been getting to complaints that the book never goes anywhere is that Rowling thinks of this and Book 7 as two halves of a single novel. I can see why Harry Potter apologists might prefer to cling to this justification, but I call it bull. Even if I could consider this a massive 1200+ page book, it obviously wasn't published or marketed or sold as one, so I don't see why I'm supposed to review it as one either. Besides, even if I thought of this book as half of a book, it still falls short of what I'd expect from half of a book.
No, the problem here is one of timing. It's a seven-volume series, and each volume covers an entire school year. No matter how many novels Rowling thinks she's been writing since 2003, she's obligated to write two of them, because that's how many school years are left until Harry graduates and the story is over. The fact that not a whole lot happened in Year Six is irrelevant, because the formula demands that there be a Book Six to cover it, and that it must pick up where the last book left off and end with Harry going on summer break. I had suggested a while back that this book begin with Snape killing Dumbledore and go on from there, but this would have been impossible, because it would mean killing Dumbledore off in September, right on the heels of Sirius Black being killed in Book Five, and that'd throw everything out of kilter. Of course, I'm not sure it wouldn't have been worth the risk. If nothing else, I've determined that Rowling's greatest weakness is that her allegiance to her formula takes priority over keeping me entertained. This is why I usually balk at series whenever I peruse the science fiction section of a bookstore. Every numbnuts with a word processor these days thinks he can write a trilogy. Reading part of what you might call a heptalogy, I'm not really convinced that any of these other pop fiction series are worth the trouble.
So now that Dumbledore's dead, the school year is pretty much cut short, and after the funeral all the kids will be sent home. Some won't even be around that long, as their parents start picking them up and taking them home as soon as the next day. As people from all over the wizarding world converge on Hogwarts to attend the funeral, the nWo spend all their time together. It's a bittersweet time, since the weather's nice and they have no schoolwork, so all they have to do is make out all day, but Dumbledore's dead, so it's kind of whatcha call a buzzkill.
As for Bill Weasley, who "heroically" got himself mauled by a werewolf, aside from his scars he appears to have no other ill-effects from the experience, besides a newfound preference for raw steaks. Always eager to promote herself at the expense of the British, Fleur points out that he's lucky to have her as his wife, because the British always overcook their meat. Seeing as she and Bill come from a culture where pumpkin juice is an acceptable morning beverage, I'm not sure I get her point.
One night, after Ginny goes to bed, Hermione brings up the Half-Blood Prince once again, to inform Harry that she had been closer to the truth than she had realized, back when she brought up that stuff about Eileen Prince. See, before Snape identified himself as the HBP, Hermione's working theory was that the Half-Blood Prince was simply a half-blood with the name "Prince", since everyone says there are no wizard princes. As it turns out, Eileen Prince really did own the book after all, Hermione explains, because she was Snape's mother. Her investigation had led her to records of Prince marrying Tobias Snape, a Muggle, and then giving birth to Severus shortly afterward. So in that sense at least, he could be described as a "Half-Blood Prince," and Snape must have liked his mother's maiden name a lot, since it was from her side of the family that he inherited all his magic super powers. Still furious at Snape, Harry compares the Snape/Half-Blood Prince alias to Tom Riddle/Lord Voldemort. Of course, because Harry's a f*cktard, he never bothers to consider that his own father and all of his friends used to go by stupid nicknames themselves back when they were teenagers, which was probably the real reason Snape coined "Half-Blood Prince" in the first place. And naturally, because Snape was a lonely little emo boi in high school, he never told anyone about his nickname for fear that someone else would use it.
Now that the Prince has come up again, we finally get some of that shock and revulsion Harry has over learning that his pen-pal from twenty years ago is the man he hates the most today. Me, I'm just annoyed at this craptacular, last-second connection between Snape and the Half-Blood Prince. You know, when I first heard about this book, my initial speculation was that it was some sort of take on "Anastasia", and the Prince was some other student in the school, who would eventually learn or reveal that he was of royal descent, but his humble half-blood origins would keep him from claiming the throne. And being the main character, it'd fall to Harry to befriend the little turd and give him that boost of confidence he needs.
In other words, when you see "Prince" in the title of a book, you tend to assume that there's actually gonna be a damn prince in the book, which might lead to kings and kingdoms, and far-flung lands of awe and wonder. And unicorns. On the contrary, this notion is quelled from the very beginning, as Rowling assures us over and over again that the wizarding world HAS no princes, and thus none of that other stuff that goes with it. This isn't a plot twist, it's a castration. This would be like going to see "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" and the lion is swapped out for some crappy British guy who never uses shampoo. And notice, when they run those Narnia trailers, that lion is all over the damn place. That's because the people who made this movie made DAMN SURE that there's a frickin' lion in it. It's called truth in advertising.
For that matter, this reminds me of a comic book where Superman turned into a lion with a humanoid body. If Rowling had written it, it would have just turned into some crappy wordplay about how Lara Lor-Van used to call herself "Ly-on" in high school on Krypton. But no, Superman doesn't dick over the reading public. Not only does he turn into a lion, but he runs around doing good deeds as Superman at the same time, just in case anyone felt cheated over buying a Superman comic about a lion. He should be sitting at home feeling miserable over what a hideous freak he's become, but no. NO! He's still Superman, motherf*cker, and Superman never gives up.
So we'll carry on in Superman's example, and keep going with this book. While Harry's full of red rage over Snape, he does feel a twinge of pity for Señor Draco, whom he now realizes wouldn't have had the stomach to kill Dumbledore. Harry wonders what's become of his old rival, but before he can consider the matter further, it's time for the funeral.
I won't bother discussing the funeral, since it's mostly just a "Who's Who" list of people in attendance. Tonks and Lupin are holding hands there, and her hair color is back to hot pink, so I guess THAT big important mystery has been solved. Of course, it's a FUNERAL, so maybe this wasn't the most appropriate time for her to go back to anime hair, but whatever. The Weasleys are all wearing dragon-skin jackets. Hey, fur is murder! Harry notices Luna and Neville sitting together, and he considers that they were the only D.A. kids who came to help Hermione and Ron the night Dumbledore died, probably because they're such outcast losers that they'd do anything Harry wanted. And there's a bunch of other jerks there too. There's a eulogy, but Harry doesn't pay much attention to it. Mermen and centaurs sing songs and shoot arrows all over the place, and this is starting to remind me of that editorial in the Onion by the fictional publisher, who demanded an extravagant funeral that would last months and involve, among other things, seventy virgins being sacrificed in his honor. Then Dumbledore's corpse explodes. I'm not making this up. I can only assume that wizard undertakers stuff your ass to the rim with fireworks when you die. I'd say it kills the somber mood, but bright pink hair and mermen already did that.
When the smoke clears, all that's left in place of the corpse is a white tomb (just like the title of this cartoon!). Since that pretty much concludes the service, I figured I'd say a few words which I had planned for an earlier discussion, one I just never got around to.
That Flighty Temptress, An Elegy.
One of the issues I had planned to take up while reading this book was Christianity. I'm not sure how big a deal it is in the fandom, but every so often I hear about nutbars who say these books are dangerous for children because they promote anti-Christian beliefs, or something. The Pope is the most famous example, I guess. In my mind, the one that stands out was a discussion at work where the fiercely Christian maintenance staff said in the breakroom that they objected to Harry Potter books and considered them unsuitable for children because of the depiction of witchcraft. This led to a discussion later in the lab as to how silly that is, and how there's plenty of fictional works that involve similar themes. As I pointed out at the time, the Smurfs and He-Man were both regarded in the same way by some people, simply because magic was an element of the story.
Now, for what it's worth, I'm a Christian, and I don't have any objection to magic appearing in popular fiction. Typically, Christians object to the concept of magic because magic implies a source of power you rely on that isn't God. For example, in the Old Testament, when King Saul became corrupt, God chose David to replace him as the King of Israel. Refusing to accept this, Saul persecuted David, even as his regime began to crumble because of his paranoid obsession. Saul became so desperate to preserve his throne that he consulted a medium to commune with the ghost of the prophet Samuel, who anointed him king in the first place, to ask for advice. Much to the medium's surprise, Samuel did appear, but only to rebuke Saul for defying God's plan, which was the only reason he had become king in the first place.
I think the mistake some Christians make is to infer that Saul's sin here was consulting with a pagan for help. I suppose it does go to show how far Saul had fallen out of favor with God, that he'd resort to other religions to solve his problems, but this wasn't the point of the story. Saul's sin was that he knew that God wouldn't allow him to be king anymore, but in his pride and jealousy he refused to accept it. Whether the medium had any real powers or not is beside the point. In this sense, magic is no different than military might, in that Saul foolishly and desperately believed he could use either to find a way to stop God's will. And of course, war stories aren't considered objectionable because the characters use military applications to solve their problems.
Of course, any Harry Potter fan already knows this, but the magic used in the books is more of a tool than any sort of religious construct. Hermione might be called a witch in the books, but she bears little resemblance to the Wicca. At least, this is based on everything I know about Wicca, which comes from a Halloween episode of "Reno 911". Also, I'm skimming the Wikipedia entry on it now, and I don't see anything in here about hanging out in libraries reading old newspapers all damn day. Nor does Hermione peruse crappy-ass webcomics to my knowledge. Then again, it's not like we'd know if Hermione was a Christian, either, since no mention has been made of her personal relationship with Robot Jesus. That could just mean she's Robot Jewish, though.
Where was I? Oh, right. So you'd have to assume that like most fictional characters, the folks in HP are mostly secular beings with no obvious religious preference. Quick, is Batman an atheist or not? See, you don't know for sure. No one does. So the idea that Harry Potter is immoral because he can teleport doesn't hold much water with me. If anything, fundamentalist Christians should be far more concerned about the fact that the hero to so many impressionable children unrepentantly hates his enemies. Seriously, I was kind of hoping that Harry would eventually learn that his intense hatred and lust for revenge is ultimately self-defeating, but it never happens. This is far more unsettling to me than where he gets his super powers from.
Personally, I think the Bible thumpers just can't deal with the idea that they can dislike a book without dragging God into it. Instead of "I don't think it's appropriate reading material" it turns into "Look how pious I am, because I don't read this book that I think God doesn't want me to read." As I said that day at work, why can't people just hate Harry Potter because it sucks? Why does it always have to be a crusade for people? Same thing goes for all the Harmonians who think Rowling's plotlines are a personal attack against them. Same goes for all the pagans who thought Hurricane Katrina was divine retribution for all the oil rigs built in its path. Same goes for Jerry Falwell for thinking the Purple Teletubby was directly responsible for 9/11. Or to bring it back full circle, same goes for Saul for thinking God's grand design for the universe was arranged just to ruin his day.
In truth, while I've found the novel to be pretty dull overall, my interest in it's religious themes did lead me to notice that Dumbledore is something of a Christlike figure. I'm not even sure that's a real literary term, but when I was in high school, they made a big deal over The Red Badge of Courage, another crappy novel that featured Jim Conklin, a soldier who dies in the story. Conklin was supposed to be a Christlike figure, because he bore various superficial similarities to Jesus. For starters: his initials are J.C. Creepy, huh? Also, I think the injuries he sustained in battle were supposed to resemble the wounded hands, side, and forehead of Christ during the crucifixion, but I refuse to go back and check. There were other comparisons, but the concept of a character introduced solely to resemble Jesus Christ interested me far more than that particular use.
And in this case, it flies in the face of the accusation that the books undermine Christian principles. After all, if the top good guy resembles Jesus, it can't be all bad, right? Wikipedia says the books undermine Islam, too, though, but I don't know from Islam, so Muslims are on their own. Consider:
1) Both sacrificed themselves to save others. Even if Dumbledore didn't arrange his own murder, his death still saved Snape from the consequences of his Unbreakable Vow, and Señor Draco from Voldemort's wrath. Also, D-Dore took great care to keep Harry out of that confrontation, leaving himself vulnerable in the process.
2) Both promoted the welfare of the outcast over their own. As Draco threatens to kill Dumbledore, the only time Dumbledore expresses dismay is when the little snot calls Hermione "Mudblood", which he considers offensive. Probably not the first thing you'd think of at gunpoint.
3) Both were viewed as dangerous to the government. The Ministry regarded Dumbledore with great suspicion, and of course the Romans crucified Jesus for fomenting what they believed to be an insurrection.
4) Both were misunderstood, even by their followers. Harry assumes--logically, if not correctly--that Dumbledore's trust in Snape caused his death, never considering that Dumbledore trusted Snape to kill him. No matter how often Dumbledore explained that love is Harry's greatest advantage, Harry still seethes with hatred, even during Dumbledore's funeral. Days after Jesus' death, the apostles still had no idea that it was necessary for him to die, despite Jesus telling them so repeatedly.
5) Both were patient with their followers. In spite of Harry's tantrums and constant second guessing, Dumbledore still considered Harry a trusted ally and friend.
6) Both were betrayed by their own followers. Even if Snape doesn't totally fit with this one, Tom Riddle certainly would. For that matter, despite swearing allegiance to Dumbledore all through the book, it was Harry who fed him that green crap that made him sick. All that's missing is the rooster.
7) Both sought to convert enemies into friends. Jesus recruited Paul into his ministry despite his persecution of early Christians, and Dumbledore made similar overtures towards Snape and Señor Draco, despite being card-carrying Death Eaters.
8) Both had beards. Hey shut up, this is hard.
9) Both were scorned and ridiculed, even in death. Jesus was mocked by the Roman soldiers and that other guy on the cross with him, and Dumbledore was mocked by that flighty temptress, me. Hmmm... when I put it like that it would make me feel really guilty if Dumbledore was a real person.
I think that's about all I have. Uh, in conclusion, Dumbledore was a land of rich contrasts. God help us all.
So now that we've properly laid the big white thing to rest, let's return our focus to the living. Harry decides now's as good a time as any to say what he's had to say since Dumbledore died, so he turns to Ginny and says they can't be together, because Voldemort will undoubtedly try to use her to get at him. Ginny briefly mentions how she's had a crush on Harry all along, which is probably more of a nod to continuity than anything else, but the point is she understands that Harry doesn't want anything distracting him from his showdown with Voldemort. Harry decides to take a walk before he changes his mind, noticing Ron holding Hermione as he leaves. Yeah, Pumpkin Pie probably has a plot next to Dumbledore's at this point.
Harry doesn't get very far before Rufus Scrimgeour catches up to him and they have almost the exact same conversation they had back in Chapter 16. I guess Rufus thinks Harry will be more receptive to his requests with Dumbledore dead, but Harry quickly informs him otherwise and that's the end of that. Well that was a waste of two pages.
After this, the Outsiders show up to ask what the Minister wanted, which leads to a discussion of what'll happen next year if the school closes. Harry, for one, doesn't care, because he doesn't plan to return even if the school does reopen. Harry's plan, instead, is to return to the Dursleys, probably right until he turns seventeen, if only to respect Dumbledore's wishes, and then he'll start tracking down the Horcruxes after a quick visit to his parents' graves. After that, he'll have to destroy the seventh piece of Voldemort's soul, the one in his body. "And if I meet Severus Snape along the way, so much the better for me, so much the worse for him."
Uh, right. First of all, this is bullcrap. Harry doesn't even know how to find the Horcruxes, let alone where they'd be. And how's he supposed to kill Voldemort when he can't even beat Snape? And how's he supposed to beat Snape unless he goes back to school and finishes his training? It's a good plan on paper, but the kid just doesn't have the tools to get it done.
Second of all, this is all moot because Harry has to go back to school. It's in the title of the book for crying out loud. Harry Potter and [Insert Noun Here]: Year 7 at Hogwarts. I could envision a book involving Ron and Hermione at Hogwarts that cuts to Harry doing his own thing elsewhere, but that'd mean breaking the rule about Harry's P.O.V. No, Harry's going back to the school, no matter what he thinks he's gonna do this time. And unless he learned some kickass magic in the last two days, he's not getting revenge on anyone anytime soon. This is what makes the ending so unsatisfying, because you've got Harry making heroic resolutions about how good will triumph next time, only they're empty promises.
Finally, Ron and Hermione insist on coming along with Harry, in spite of his protestations. Further, Ron demands that before they do anything else, they have to attend Bill's wedding over the summer, and Harry takes some comfort in knowing he has that one happy moment left to look forward to before his big tour of revenge gets underway. And that's the end of the book.
There'd be something appropriate about ending a book with a funeral, but Rowling more or less takes all the attention away from the tribute to Dumbledore and focuses it on the spectacle of his memorial, and of course on Harry's thirst for revenge. There are some moments that work, when Harry feels a momentary urge to laugh or smile and he wonders what's wrong with him when in fact he's just moving forward with the grieving process. Still, this is outweighed by all the repeated information presented (Tonks wuvs Remus, Rufus wants Harry's help, Harry refuses, there are four Horcruxes left, Harry even repeats their descriptions in his head, etc.), and of course the final point of the book is a premise I don't even believe. If Rowling couldn't resist doing a Hogwarts Express chapter in this book, why am I supposed to believe that she won't do it again in the next one? And maybe Ron's parents can't stop him from dropping out of school, but Hermione's parents probably don't recognize this whole Coming of Age thing at 17.
Considering how long it took to get here, it's a pretty unsatisfying conclusion, and if you go by that "half a book" crap, then it's not even that.
RATING: BAD
Conclusions
So let's first consider what we've seen.
One: The Other Minister Rufudge tells Tony Blair about the Death Eater War. Rating: GOOD (1)
Two: Spinner's End Snape reaffirms his loyalty to the Death Eater cause, and promises to help Draco Malfoy accomplish his secret mission this year, on penalty of death Rating: BAD (1)
Three: Will and Won't Harry Potter inherits a shrieking little monster. Rating: BAD (2)
Four: Horace Slughorn D-Dore and Harry visit Horace Slughorn and recruit him to fill the vacancy in Hogwarts' teaching staff. Rating: GOOD (2)
Five: An Excess of Phlegm The Million Dollar Debut of Fleur Delacour, which so far has yet to lead to anything in the ten twenty-five subsequent chapters. Rating: BAD (3)
Six: Draco's Detour Harry spies on Draco. Rating: GOOD (3)
Seven: The Slug Club Harry spies on Draco. Again. Rating: BAD (4)
Eight: Snape Victorious Harry arrives at Hogwarts, only to learn that Snape has been reassigned to Defense Against the Dark Arts, which ultimately didn't lead to anything. Rating: BAD (5)
Nine: The Half-Blood Prince Harry wins a bottle of the luck potion "Felix Felicis" after completing a lab assignment in Slughorn's Potions class. In fact, Harry's success is all thanks to the old loaner textbook he used to perform the assignment, which has helpful notes scribbled in the margins by it's former owner, known only as the Half-Blood Prince. Rating: GOOD (4)
Ten: The House of Gaunt Harry's first in a series of private lessons with D-Dore, which are essentially flashbacks that reveal the Secret Origin of Lord Voldemort. A good idea for an interlude, except he's not even born yet in this one. Rating: BAD (6)
Eleven: Hermione's Helping Hand Quidditch tryouts. Ron barely makes the cut, thanks entirely to Hermione's magical interference on his behalf. Rating: BAD (7)
Twelve: Silver and Opals On an outing to the nearby town of Hogsmeade, Katie Bell is hospitalized after a brief exposure to an accursed necklace she somehow acquired. Harry suspects Señor Draco, in spite of his ironclad alibi. Rating: BAD (8)
Thirteen: The Secret Riddle The second of Dumbledore's private lessons, which sees a young Voldemort invited to enroll at Hogwarts. Even as a boy, Tom Riddle displays all the signs of a sociopath. Rating: GOOD (5)
Fourteen: Felix Felicis Ron gets into arguments with Hermione and Ginny, which in turn wrecks his confidence on the Quidditch field. Harry attempts to boost Ron's spirits through sleight of hand, but the results are only partially successful, as Ron and Hermione become estranged afterwards. Rating: GOOD (6)
Fifteen: The Unbreakable Vow After 21 pages of bad "Saved By the Bell" plot twists, Harry breaks the lull by... wait for it... spying on Señor Draco. Rating: BAD (9)
Sixteen: A Very Frosty Christmas Magic Minister Rufus drops by the Weasley household over Christmas Break to ask Harry to be his political pawn. Harry tells him to sit on it. 'Eeeeeyyyy! RATING: GOOD (7)
Seventeen: A Sluggish Memory The third of Dumbledore's private lessons. Dumbledore assigns Harry the task of acquiring am unaltered memory from Professor Slughorn concerning Voldemort. The copy Dumbledore already has was clearly edited by Slughorn himself to conceal his own indiscretions. RATING: BAD (10)
Eighteen: Birthday Surprises Ron gets poisoned and ends up in the hospital. That's about it. RATING: BAD (11)
Nineteen: Elf Tails Unable to spy on Señor Draco while he recuperates from a Quidditch injury, Harry arranges for the House Elf he inherited in Chapter 3 to do it for him. RATING: BAD. (12)
Twenty: Lord Voldemort's Request Dumbledore's fourth private lesson, which he admits won't really make much sense, because he had assumed Harry would have gotten that memory from Slughorn by now. RATING: BAD (13)
Twenty-one: The Unknowable Room In an attempt to spy on Señor Draco, Harry stares at a wall for over an hour. As exciting as it sounds. RATING: BAD (He-Man should hit Skeletor) (14)
Twenty-Two: After the Burial Using Felix Felicis potion to increase his own luck, Harry finally devises a successful plan to get Slughorn's memory. This involves a funeral for a spider, a guilt trip, and copious amounts of liquor. RATING: GOOD (8)
Twenty-Three: Horcruxes Dumbledore's final private lesson, which finally explains what Horcruxes are: Ordinary items used to safeguard fragments of a person's soul, thus guaranteeing one's survival even after the destruction of one's body. Slughorn's memory strongly suggests Voldemort would have created six Horcruxes. Believing two have already been destroyed, Dumbledore agrees to bring Harry along on a hunt for the third. RATING: GOOD (9)
Twenty-Four: Sectumsempra Harry gets detention for attempted murder, which in turn prevents him from leading his Quidditch team in the championship game. They win anyway, and Harry makes out with Ron's sister at the victory party. RATING: GOOD. (10)
Twenty-Five: The Seer Overheard Harry finds out that it was Snape's eavesdropping that led to Voldemort's murder of Harry's parents. He argues with Dumbledore about Snape for a while, but then they finally head off to get that Horcrux. RATING: BAD (15)
Twenty-Six: The Cave Harry and Dumbledore nearly kill themselves stealing a locket from a magically booby-trapped cave. RATING: GOOD (11)
Twenty-Seven: The Lightning-Struck Tower Harry and Dumbledore return to Hogwarts, only to discover it's under attack by the Death Eaters. Señor Draco reveals himself as the mastermind behind the invasion, as well as the poisoned wine and cursed necklace, and he intends to kill Dumbledore on Voldemort's orders. Dumbledore reveals he's known this all along, but never opposed the plot in the hopes that he could persuade Señor Draco to switch sides, since he won't have the stomach to commit murder. Before Señor Draco can decide, Snape arrives and kills Dumbledore for him, thus fulfilling his vow from Chapter Two and exposing himself as an undercover Death Eater. RATING: GOOD (12)
Twenty-Eight: Flight of the Prince Harry tries to stop Snape from escaping, but his spells are useless against Snape's superior experience. Even magic Harry learned from the Half-Blood Prince can't catch the Professor off-guard, and Snape reveals that this is because he IS the Half-Blood Prince. Later, Harry discovers that the locket they took from the cave was never a Horcrux at all, but a fake left behind by some other enemy of Voldemort who beat Dumbledore to the punch. RATING: BAD (16)
Twenty-Nine: The Phoenix Lament In the aftermath of the battle, everyone explains what happened while Harry was watching Snape kill Dumbledore. Despite the inappropriate moment, Tonks and Fleur Delacour declare their undying love for Remus Lupin and Bill Weasley, respectively. RATING: BAD (17)
Thirty: The White Tomb Dumbledore is buried at Hogwarts, and the students are to be sent home after the funeral. Harry decides not to return to school next year, focusing instead on tracking down the remaining Horcruxes and finishing off Voldemort and Snape before they can kill any more of his loved ones. Ron points out that he should at least come to Bill and Fleur's wedding this summer before he embarks on his quest, and Harry takes solace in having at least that one happy moment to look forward to. RATING: BAD (18)
By my count, that's 12 good chapters and 18 bad ones. That may sound pretty bad, but... well, it IS bad. This book sucked, don't get me wrong, but it was considerably better than I gave it credit for. Of course, I didn't give it any credit at all, so I guess that's not saying much.
Anyway, if you've been following along, you already know my problems with this book. For it's size, it's incredibly slow-paced and thin on plot. Slughorn is introduced in Chapter 4 and it's not until Chapter 17 that his presence is even justified. Fleur Delacour could be omitted entirely, with no real effect on the story. And what was the point of Mundungus appearing in Chapter 12? That never went anywhere, and it only served to imply that Sirius Black's home would somehow come into play later on, which it didn't. There's a lot of room in a 652 page book, and Rowling wasted a LOT of it. By the time things finally came to a head, there was no room left to bring the book to an adequate conclusion. Voldemort sent Señor Draco on that mission assuming he would fail, so what happens now that he's succeeded? Now that Snape and Draco are exposed as Death Eaters, has someone arrested Narcissa? Whatever became of Fenrir Greyback? He didn't escape with Snape, but he's never mentioned again after the battle at the school. Was he captured, killed, what? These aren't cliffhangers for Book 7, they're immediate issues that could have been addressed right off the bat if Rowling had paced herself better and left room at the end to deal with it. I could go on, but seeing as this little project is entering it's sixth month, I think I've said enough already.
So let's look to the future. Would I do all this again for Book Seven? Probably not, but just the same, now that I've read Book Six, let's take a moment to consider what may come to pass.
Predictions
1) Snape is Harry's real father. It's a long shot, but it'd actually explain a lot of things. Snape's disappointment in Harry's skills never made a great deal of sense to me, for example.
2) Super Dumbass Fusion. Like I said before, the only reason Dumbledore would let himself get killed would be to ensure that Snape and Draco live on, which means that stopping Voldemort depends upon them staying alive. This means that they'll wind up joining forces with Harry. This has the advantage of being an interesting alliance, since all three of them distrust one another for various reasons. On the other hand, they're all whiny idiots who couldn't bring Voldemort down if they worked for a pillow delivery service.
3) R.A.B. does most of the work. Before anyone mentions that R.A.B. is probably Regulus Black, I heard you. R.A.B. is easier to type. Anyway, I find it odd that Harry seems to take R.A.B.'s word for it that he destroyed the locket Horcrux, yet he never considers the possibility that R.A.B. might have taken two or three of the others by now as well. Most likely, the Horcruxes won't even be an issue in Book Seven, and the main focus will be on the much more daunting task of killing Voldemort. I say this because it took a whole book for the good guys to find ONE Horcrux, and they couldn't even get THAT right. I don't see how they can find four more in the allotted time with Dumbledore dead.
4) Anticlimax. Somehow, I'm betting this final showdown between Harry and Voldemort is a total letdown. I don't know how exactly, I just know it will be.
5) Dursleys die. This one's a gimme. Dumbledore pretty much called it in Chapter 3. The only question is how long it takes.
6) Hagrid dies. Call it wishful thinking.
7) Snape dies. I just can't see Rowling having enough focus to come up with an epilogue for this guy. Whatever happens, he'll die before Voldemort is defeated, and that'll probably be the moment when Harry finally warms up to him. If a bear eats him, then you know who's been reading this.
8) Scrimgeour is Voldemort. Yeah, I'm pulling that one out of my ass. Still, it'd explain where the hell Voldemort was all through Book Six. And it gives a justifiable reason to kill him.
Am I right? Only TIME will tell.
So that's it. The end. No more of this book. It's been a long, strange ride, but it's well worth it for the thrill of victory. I'm Mike Smith. Thank you, and good night.
