An open letter to the Mack Daddy Jim Smith. Re: How much he sucks.
TONY CHIMMEL: Ladies and gentlemen, we now ask that you please rise to show your respect for the Shogun of Wrestling, the Buttdawg, Mike Smith!
[As "The Theme from d-Generation X" echoes through the arena, the BUTTDAWG walks solmnly to ringside, adorned in his trademark sunglasses, DX jersey he bought on sale from WWE.com for like twenty bucks, tights with the word "BUTT" embroidered on the seat in neon green, and whatever the stupidest looking hat is that's on Smackdown vs. Raw 2006. Despite the adulation of the fans, despite his normally jovial mood, despite his beautiful butt which has made him the envy of the wrestling world, he simply paces around the ring for several seconds, as if lost in dark thought. Finally, he takes the mic and begins to speak... somberly.
You see... there comes a time in every man's life, when he must look death in the face, when he must confront his own mortality, and recognize that he is... merely human. A time when he must say to himself, "Diggity Damn! I see now! What a FOOL I was! I am but a man. My flesh bleeds! My bones break! My body AGES and turns into dust! Who was I to think I could stand against the mighty forces of nature and survive?"
It is humility to do this. Throughout the ages, men have experienced this truth, one way or another. Sailors refer to what is called "the perfect storm." Seismologists call it "The Big One." In the rain forest, it's the speed and catlike a-jillitee of the wily jaguar. And sometimes, when that prickly sensation of death doesn't come to them, men will sometimes go to IT. Skydivers jump out of planes. Spelunkers delve into caves, baby. Big game hunters go toe-to-toe with a charging rhino. And the Mack Daddy... challenged the Buttdawg to a best of seven series.
Jimmy Dean, what are you THINKING? I'll TELL you what you're thinking, Jimmy Dean. You're NOT. Because the Buttdawg understands, oh he does. The Buttdawg understands how important it is for you to face your fears, to look certain destruction in the eye and blink at the last possible second. It's not conscious thought at ALL, oh no. It's all instinct, the kind of instinct that makes lemming run into the sea to shining sea, that makes salmon swim upstream to get freak-ay with it and die. It's something you have to do, Jimmy Dean. And who knows? Maybe when it's all said and done, and the dust settles on out, and the smoke clears, you might live to tell about it. But it don't matter, baby, 'cause you GOTSTA do it.
But the Buttdawg... does NOT. Now, don't misunderstand me, Jimmy Dean. The Buttdawg is perfectly ready and rarin', willin' and able to accept your little Thanksgiving challenge. In fact, the Buttdawg was just thinking about how there was something missing from the menu as he was preparing his Thanksgiving dinner on Buttdawg Island. Oh, there was turkey, there was stuffing, there was cranberry sauce. There was pecan pie, the way the Buttdawg likes it. Everything seemed to be there, but something still felt missing, something that would make the holiday season more complete. And then the Buttdawg realized, Jimmy Dean, that the one double-secret ingredient to a perfect Thanksgiving dinner is a heapin' helpin' of kickin' the Mack Daddy's ASS.
So before you breathe any sighs of relief, Jimmy Dean, know that the Buttdawg will be more than happy to fight, but not for the same reasons as you, oh no. Oh no. Because while you may feel the need to come face to face with your own mortality, the Buttdawg is beyond such things. Jimmy Dean, the Buttdawg HAS nothing to fear, HAS nothing to prove. You may be but a mortal man, Jimmy Dean, but the Buttdawg is far more.
Now, since the Buttdawg KNOWS you're a two-bit punk who only listens to what he wants to hear, it's safe to say that you're probably at your little keyboard, coming up with another one of your half-assed promos.
[does passable Mack Daddy impression] "Did you hear that? The Buttdawg says he's not a man! That's too bad because I'm the manliest sex of your wildest fantasies, and I lust for blood and I'll make him bleed and then go have sex because I'm an intense badass and not just a crappy Shawn Michaels knockoff with a hardcore twist. Then I'll call him 'Assbitch' because that's a funny play on words, which makes up for my complete lack of skill."
Now I KNOW that your little friends on the internets are just DYIN' to hear that from you, but before you do that, just turn your little ass around and let me finish what I gots ta say. The Buttdawg is NOT a mere man. He is the One True Dawg of the Butt. The Shogun of Wrestling! The Submission MASTAH~! Look at my beautiful butt, Mack Daddy! Do you think my butt would look this good if I let chumps like you beat me? I say thee NAY, for my butt is a leaf on the wind, watch it soar. The Buttdawg's pristine, unkickable hindquarters are the FOUNDATION of what is good and right in this wicked ol' world. MACK DADDY! The Buttdawg spent many moons overseas, training under the dojo of Japan's mightiest superstar, Hulk Hogan, until he refined and designed his own deadly wrestling style--Butt-fu--and brought it back to America to unleash upon an unsuspecting populace. Can you even comprehend what you're up against? Of course you can't.
You want the Buttdawg to sin, Jimmy Dean? Is that what you want? Well, the Buttdawg's sin is PRIDE, Jimmy Dean, because while you ain't got any, the Buttdawg's just got too damn much. PRIDE in the Buttdawg's unbeatable finesse, PRIDE in the Buttdawg's beautiful butt, PRIDE in the black and neon green that runs through his vivacious veins. So if you're so eager to greet the reaper, Jimmy Dean, let's make sure this little ol' "Best of Seven series" includes the one match you're GUARANTEED to lose, daddy: An "I Quit" Match.
Now right about here, you're probably saying to yourself: "What's an 'I Quit'? I don't know anything about that, Assbitch, I'm too busy grinding my hips in my bedroom in front of all my Mick Foley posters to read the dictionary!" You see, Mack Daddy, the only way to lose an "I Quit" match is to admit, in front of an audience of tens of thousands of millions of billions, that you... give... up. And since that's just something the Buttdawg refuses to do, then the process of elimination tells us that it's gonna be YOU, Jimmy Dean, who says it. You might get the Buttdawg's blood in that first match, Jimmy Dean, but when Match Numero DOS comes around, what you'll be begging for is the Buttdawg's MERCY.
And when that happens, that will just be... a PRETTY... little... PITY.