Too sikhs.
As you may have noticed, it's October 23, and I'm still doing these things. My plan was to have already received my copy of "Dagon Bal Z: Budokai Tenkaichi" by now, and to have finished reviewing this book well in advance of that date. Well, while it's just as well that my shipment is late, because I haven't been able to finish as scheduled, I'm still pretty ticked at Amazon.
Mainly, this is because they haven't even shipped the thing yet. This game was released October 18, and Amazon's site says the "delivery estimate" was October 21, which I found hard to swallow since I ordered it with free shipping, meaning it'd take at least five to seven days to get here. So if I hadn't gotten it until next week, that'd be cool, except they haven't even shipped the damn thing yet. I'm half tempted to cancel the order and buy it from Wal-Mart, except I really don't have time to play it right now anyway, so it works out.
Still, this goes back to my annoyance with Harry Potter, since when Half-Blood Prince was solicited on Amazon, they made a guarantee that pre-ordered copies wouldn't be SHIPPED on the day of release, but they'd ARRIVE on that day. And that's great for Harry Potter fans, but it irritates me to no end that this sort of guarantee could probably be applied to all sorts of things, but it's only done in this one case, because Harry Potter fans are either numerous enough or spiteful enough that Amazon feels the need to appease them. Someone, somewhere out there, could be just as desperate for the new Jake the Snake Roberts DVD as everyone else was for Book 6 back in July, but he'll just have to sit around and wait, because Earthquake killing Damien isn't as important as watching Kreacher and Dobby fight. That's not right.
Anyway, on with the book.
Chapter 26: The Cave
(Original Japanese Title: "At Long Last! The Zombies' Grand Arrival!!")
Picking up where the last chapter left off, Harry and D-Dore arrive on some godforsaken seaside cliff. This is apparently not far from the same cave young Tom Riddle used to take his fellow orphans and torment them.
Ennh. There's too many fives in this page number. I'm taking a break.
(stands on the other side of the room, smoking cigarettes and drinking a six pack of beer, occasionally tossing the empties at the computer.)
For some reason, they still have to climb down the cliff face and swim through a partially submerged fissure in the cliff to get to where they need to go. You'd think someone as powerful as Big Al is supposed to be would have simply Apparated them to the exact spot, or at least told Harry in advance that they'd be swimming for this mission, but what do I know?
Now that they've reached the interior of the cave, Dumbledore feels along the wall, until he finds what he says is the hidden entrance. After some examination, he determines the door must be given an offering of blood to open, so he pulls out a silver knife to cut himself. Harry objects and offers to do it himself, but D-Dore's already spurted his own blood on the door by this time. Wow, so Dumbledore's into cutting. Who knew?
As he explains, the point to all of this is most likely that Voldemort wishes to weaken his enemy by forcing him to injure himself just to get inside. D-Dore finds this attitude silly, since he considers there to be far worse things for a person to suffer than physical injury. I find it silly, because as soon as he cuts himself, Dumbledore just heals the wound with his wand, much the same way Snape patched up Señor Draco a couple of chapters back. Seems to me that anyone with enough magical prowess to find the door in the first place would be able to do the same, so it seems like more of a grisly formality than a way to soften up an intruder.
Inside, the Dynamic Dimwits discover a large lake, with some green glow coming from somewhere in the center of the lake's surface. After walking along the edge of the lake for a while to get their bearings, Harry decides to get stupid and ask: "Do you think the Horcrux is here?" No, dummy, he brought you all this way because he doesn't think it's here. Sheesh!
Dumbledore assures Harry that it is here, if only they could figure out how to get it. They try the simplest approach, summoning the thing magically, but this just causes something to briefly emerge from the surface of the lake. While it doesn't work, Dumbledore applauds the effort at least, since it showed them what they're up against. Next, he eventually locates an invisible chain hanging from the cavern ceiling I would assume, and after making it visible and forcing it to pull itself, this reveals a small boat that was submerged under the lake. Harry asks how he even knew that was there, and D-Dore explains that all magic leaves traces, and since he knows Riddle's style, he knows what traces to look for. Big Al also assures Harry that the boat must be safe for use, as Voldemort himself would need it should he ever need to visit the Horcrux himself, or retrieve it to take it to some other location.
Along the way across the lake, Harry spots dead bodies in the water, and he realizes that it was one of them that jumped up out of the water earlier. That's right, folks, it's the zombies we were promised as far back as Chapter 3. I guess actually using them in some sort of wicked slick undead army wasn't cool enough for Voldemort, so instead he dumped them all in this lake to lay dormant until someone messes with his soul. Real swell. Well, at least we've GOT zombies. And since these zombies live in water, that means Aquaman can tell them what to do. Dumbledore is confident that they won't be any trouble until after they've taken the Horcrux, but in the meantime he advises that he and Harry defend themselves with fire. Or call Aquaman. Just sayin'.
Finally, they get to the island at the center of the lake, which is mostly just a big stone with a basin on it, filled with a green liquid that was the source of that glow Harry saw earlier. Certain that the Horcrux is submerged within this liquid, Dumbledore attempts to reach into it, but he's blocked by a force field, or whatever force fields are called in Magic Land. D-Dore makes several attempts to penetrate or otherwise affect the liquid, but none of them work. At last, he deduces that the only answer is to drink the liquid, as it appears to be magically protected against any other means of disposal. To prove his point, D-Dore creates a goblet with his wand and uses it to scoop the liquid out of the basin. I'm wondering how the liquid knows this means he'll be drinking it, as opposed to just dumping it on the ground. Ah, well.
Harry, naturally, expresses concerns that the liquid might be fatal if consumed, and D-Dore explains that most likely, it will only incapacitate him for a time, rather than kill him outright. By his logic, Voldemort believes he's the only one who knows about his Horcruxes. As such, his traps here are designed not just to stop an intruder, but to keep him in one piece so that Voldemort can question him later, and find out just how that intruder knew about the Horcrux and found it in the first place. So if you were thinking this has been almost too easy so far, you'd be right.
On the other hand, I don't find Dumbledore's reasoning so airtight. Granted, the only reason they're even here is because of his lengthy investigation into Voldemort's origins. He only knows about this cave from talking to the lady at Voldemort's orphanage. He only knows what items to look for because he viewed the memories of bystanders who witnessed Voldemort's interest in them. What concerns me, however, is that he only became convinced that Voldemort was using Horcruxes thanks to Slughorn's memory. Well, Slughorn's memory only revealed how Voldemort learned of Horcruxes. Granted, it's a very exclusive piece of information, as Slughorn not only altered his memory, but has been in hiding for several years. In that regard, Voldemort would have little to worry about, since most people don't even know what a Horcrux is, and thus wouldn't even suspect that he'd be involved with them. And the one person who did know, Slughorn, is too ashamed of having told Voldemort to reveal it to anyone else.
All well and good, except Dumbledore does know what Horcruxes are for, and how they're used. Did he really need Slughorn's memory to put the pieces together? Why not just work under the assumption that Voldemort figured Horcruxes out, and go straight to the part where you track them down? Indeed, Dumbledore has already done this, as he de-souled that ring before the book started. The point I'm making here is that it's foolhardy to assume that Voldemort believes no one else knows about this stuff. The fact that Dumbledore figured it out in itself means that someone else might have done the same, and unless Voldemort's too arrogant or too stupid to realize it, he'd have to imagine that anyone who knows about Horcruxes would realize they'd be the perfect tool for a man who's publicly declared his desire to live forever, and kill anyone who stands in his way.
Further, I think this exposes the irresponsibility of this Wizarding World, with regards to how banned magic is controlled. The impression I get is that since Horcruxes are a forbidden subject at Hogwarts, it's assumed that no one will ever learn about them, and thus no one will ever attempt to create one. This is like saying that if chemistry teachers are forbidden from discussing the method for preparing methamphetamine, then no one will ever abuse crystal meth. As Slughorn's memory demonstrated, there's plenty of opportunities for this forbidden information to slip through the cracks. In this case, Slughorn was more worried about the ban than he was about the information itself. That's why he asked Riddle to keep their conversation a secret, rather than refuse to say anything at all. Meanwhile, the people who might actually be able to stop Voldemort (i.e. Harry, the Aurors, etc.) have never heard of Horcruxes, because unlike Voldemort they actually obey the rules most of the time. If knowing about Horcruxes is illegal, then only people who break the law will know about them.
It's the same problem I have with five-year-olds knowing how to make Unbreakable Vows, or this arbitrary rule about under aged wizards being forbidden from using magic. It's all well and good to make a bunch of rules, but if you can't enforce them, then what's the use? Snape is amazed when Harry guts Malfoy like a fish, wondering who taught him how to do that. Hey, stupid, it was you, and all you had to do was write a twelve-letter word in a book and forget to clean out your old classroom. Strangely, Apparition seems to be the most carefully controlled magic in this world, which strikes me as bizarre, since it seems to be much harder to learn than all the Dark magic about spontaneous bleeding and soul-cleaving and flat-out murder. And yet Harry has to peel vegetables by hand. Is the irony here deliberate on Rowling's part, some sort of commentary on the misplaced priorities of the government? Or did she simply lose track of how all this stuff was supposed to work?
Anyway, I'm just saying it's foolish for Dumbledore to make any assumptions about this lemon-lime Kool-Aid he's about to drink, since most of his conclusions are founded on yet another layer of assumption to begin with. For all he knows, this crap he's about to drink could turn him into the black guy from Hootie and the Blowfish and force him to sing a parody of "Big Rock Candy Mountain". And he'd never see it coming, because he never got around to talking to Voldemort's third girlfriend in high school, who knew all about his obsession with Burger King commercials. Incidentally, that last Horcrux is actually one of those extra-rare Chibi Darth Vader figurines they were giving away for the release of "Revenge of the Sith".
In point of fact, Dumbledore is actually right about the liquid, as it appears to cause him tremendous pain, both physical and psychological, but it doesn't kill him. Anticipating this, he makes Harry promise that whatever happens, he makes sure that Dumbledore keeps on drinking until the basin is empty. Hey, wait a minute, this is the cover to the book, isn't it?
It takes about three swigs of the stuff to get Dumbledore wasted. At that point, Harry has to force-feed him the rest of the liquid. Throughout this, D-Dore rambles on about not wanting to go on, although it's not really clear if he's talking about the agony of drinking, or some delusion he's having that was brought on by the liquid's effects. As I read this, I speculated that the liquid could be some sort of distillation of the pain and suffering the orphans endured at young Riddle's hands, which is what Big Al is reliving now. Whatever Dumbledore sees here, we'll never know.
After eleven doses of the liquid, the basin is finally emptied and D-Dore passes out from the experience, only to regain consciousness shortly afterwards and ask for water. Harry attempts to fill the goblet with water magically, but for some reason this doesn't work. Realizing that Voldemort had arranged it this way, Harry figures out that the only way to get water in this place is to take it from the lake, thus triggering the zombies to attack them. Indeed, no sooner than he gives Big Al a drink do the zombies rise out from the water and advance towards him. Personally, I'm less worried about the zombies than I am about how filthy that lakewater would have to be after having zombies laying in it for all that time. I mean, how desperate can Dumbledore be to wash that taste out of his mouth?
Unless the green liquid was Surge, Coca-Cola's ill-fated attempt to replace Mello Yello and compete with Mountain Dew's new "extreme" marketing strategy. Surge got me through a lot of long nights in college, but it disappeared shortly after I graduated in 1999, almost like it was some hideous beverage created by Satan for the sole purpose of messing with me in school. WCW briefly picked up the drink as a sponsor, perhaps hoping to capitalize on Surge's "extreme" image to revitalize their own failing promotion. So they'd put a bottle of the stuff on the commentators' table so we'd see it whenever the camera went to Tony Shiovane and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. But they'd never drink the stuff. Heenan would sometimes act like he was trying to swipe a bottle for himself, but he never dared open it, much less taste it. They also had some kind of contest with Surge where you'd win a million dollars somehow, but this was abandoned shortly thereafter, with no explanation given. You can find out more about the history of Surge here. Of course, the liquid Dumbledore drank wasn't described as being carbonated, but that would only mean he was downing FLAT Surge, and that's about as low as you can get. Damn you, Voldemort, damn you straight to hell.
Where was I? Right, so zombies are coming to kill Harry Potter. It's a dream come true. Despite the fact that Harry was already told... RECENTLY... that fire is your best defense against zombies, he powers up to Super Dumbass 2 and uses every other spell he knows EXCEPT the one that does fire. Yeah, I know he's scared, but so what? Firemen get scared too, but they don't forget to use their hoses. Remarkably, Harry even whips out Secumsempra again, which proves a couple of points:
1) As I've maintained, he learned nothing from using this spell on Señor Draco in the bathroom, as he's apparently incorporated it into his arsenal now.
2) Harry's a total blithering idiot, as these enemies are ALREADY DEAD, and therefore losing whatever blood they might still have would make little difference to them.
So the zombies are pretty much gonna kill Harry because he's too stupid to fight them and no one thought to bring Aquaman along. Fortunately for Harry, Dumbledore manages to get back on his feet and he saves the dope with fire. He reaches into the basin and retrieves the locket that had been concealed under all the Surge, and they hurry for the boat, surrounded by a protective ring of fire. Unable to penetrate the flames, the zombies return to the icy depths, never to appear again. Sniff. Farewell, noble zombies. I'll never forget you.
Once they return to the other side of the lake, Harry helps the weakened Dumbledore out of the cave, and D-Dore concludes that no single person could have possibly withstood both the liquid AND the zombies, so score one for Voldemort, I guess. For that matter, you'd have to cut yourself again just to get back out of the cave. As luck would have it, Harry's already bleeding from a scrape he sustained during their ordeal, so he uses that to open the door and get them out. Harry assures Big Al that they'll be all right, and that he can Apparate them back home, to which Dumbledore replies that he's not worried at all, because Harry's with him. Well, that makes one of us.
Sigh...
EVERY chapter should have been like this. Well, maybe not EVERY chapter, but certainly MOST of them. I realize that much of the conversations that took place in this book so far were necessary to develop Voldemort's character, and to advance all the other events that would take place, but as this little adventure proves, Dumbledore can talk to Harry in a zombie infested underground lake just as easily as he can in the confines of his own office. It makes me wonder now if I would have enjoyed Harry's private lessons more if Dumbledore had dispensed with the Pensieve and simply taken Harry to the locations in the present day, walking him through the events he wished to discuss.
Take the orphanage for instance. By visiting Dumbledore's memory of the place, events are fixed. Yes, Dumbledore set a wardrobe on fire, but there's no danger or risk to witnessing this. By contrast, if Harry and Big Al had actually GONE to the orphanage, I think things could have been more interesting. If nothing else, the building would have been several decades older, and the spectre of Voldemort would have lent more to the atmosphere than the sight of the boy himself as Dumbledore described him. Plus, you could have had the two heroes evading traps, just like the ones Voldemort set up in this cave. For example, they go to the orphanage, Dumbledore talks about how he set the wardrobe on fire to demonstrate his abilities, and then suddenly the present-day wardrobe ignites and ends up burning the whole building down, because Riddle rigged it to burst into flames if anyone came to the place to dig into his past.
Admittedly, this premise has flaws, especially since you've got the Pensieve ready to go, so there's little reason to take Harry off-campus and expose him to these sorts of risks. This is why I hate the holodeck on Star Trek, because it makes TOO MUCH sense. It's so safe that it defeats any course of action that might involve suspense. And what's the point of having a story if the characters don't need to put themselves in a risky situation?
I'm not just talking about adventure, either. When Harry wants to start up a relationship with Ginny, he doesn't blow eight chapters examining memory records or simulations to see how Ron will react or whether Ginny will reciprocate his affections. Ultimately, he just damns the torpedoes and kisses her. That's how life works, and as Orko teaches us, that's the greatest magic of all. Harry and Dumbledore reviewing old memories is admittedly interesting, but this trip they make to the cave is interesting and exciting, so why wouldn't you want to make more of your novel like this?
That's my main critique so far. This whole book up to now (some 554 pages of exposition) has been setting up this one chapter, as well as the few more that follow. Except it really doesn't NEED a lot of setup. "Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore secretly travel to a treacherous cave where Lord Voldemort has hidden a fragment of his soul." That's a premise I would have been perfectly happy to start out with. This could have been Chapter Four (Chapters 1-3 being dedicated to who these people are and what Voldemort stands to gain from fragmenting his soul in the first place.) and I'd be all "Hey, this book's not so bad."
So yeah, this is definitely the best chapter of the book up to now, hands down. Although at this late stage, I think it's something of a Pyrrhic victory.
RATING: GOOD (and deservedly so)
NEXT: Get your pies for the Great Pie Fight!
Mainly, this is because they haven't even shipped the thing yet. This game was released October 18, and Amazon's site says the "delivery estimate" was October 21, which I found hard to swallow since I ordered it with free shipping, meaning it'd take at least five to seven days to get here. So if I hadn't gotten it until next week, that'd be cool, except they haven't even shipped the damn thing yet. I'm half tempted to cancel the order and buy it from Wal-Mart, except I really don't have time to play it right now anyway, so it works out.
Still, this goes back to my annoyance with Harry Potter, since when Half-Blood Prince was solicited on Amazon, they made a guarantee that pre-ordered copies wouldn't be SHIPPED on the day of release, but they'd ARRIVE on that day. And that's great for Harry Potter fans, but it irritates me to no end that this sort of guarantee could probably be applied to all sorts of things, but it's only done in this one case, because Harry Potter fans are either numerous enough or spiteful enough that Amazon feels the need to appease them. Someone, somewhere out there, could be just as desperate for the new Jake the Snake Roberts DVD as everyone else was for Book 6 back in July, but he'll just have to sit around and wait, because Earthquake killing Damien isn't as important as watching Kreacher and Dobby fight. That's not right.
Anyway, on with the book.
Chapter 26: The Cave
(Original Japanese Title: "At Long Last! The Zombies' Grand Arrival!!")
Picking up where the last chapter left off, Harry and D-Dore arrive on some godforsaken seaside cliff. This is apparently not far from the same cave young Tom Riddle used to take his fellow orphans and torment them.
Ennh. There's too many fives in this page number. I'm taking a break.
(stands on the other side of the room, smoking cigarettes and drinking a six pack of beer, occasionally tossing the empties at the computer.)
For some reason, they still have to climb down the cliff face and swim through a partially submerged fissure in the cliff to get to where they need to go. You'd think someone as powerful as Big Al is supposed to be would have simply Apparated them to the exact spot, or at least told Harry in advance that they'd be swimming for this mission, but what do I know?
Now that they've reached the interior of the cave, Dumbledore feels along the wall, until he finds what he says is the hidden entrance. After some examination, he determines the door must be given an offering of blood to open, so he pulls out a silver knife to cut himself. Harry objects and offers to do it himself, but D-Dore's already spurted his own blood on the door by this time. Wow, so Dumbledore's into cutting. Who knew?
As he explains, the point to all of this is most likely that Voldemort wishes to weaken his enemy by forcing him to injure himself just to get inside. D-Dore finds this attitude silly, since he considers there to be far worse things for a person to suffer than physical injury. I find it silly, because as soon as he cuts himself, Dumbledore just heals the wound with his wand, much the same way Snape patched up Señor Draco a couple of chapters back. Seems to me that anyone with enough magical prowess to find the door in the first place would be able to do the same, so it seems like more of a grisly formality than a way to soften up an intruder.
Inside, the Dynamic Dimwits discover a large lake, with some green glow coming from somewhere in the center of the lake's surface. After walking along the edge of the lake for a while to get their bearings, Harry decides to get stupid and ask: "Do you think the Horcrux is here?" No, dummy, he brought you all this way because he doesn't think it's here. Sheesh!
Dumbledore assures Harry that it is here, if only they could figure out how to get it. They try the simplest approach, summoning the thing magically, but this just causes something to briefly emerge from the surface of the lake. While it doesn't work, Dumbledore applauds the effort at least, since it showed them what they're up against. Next, he eventually locates an invisible chain hanging from the cavern ceiling I would assume, and after making it visible and forcing it to pull itself, this reveals a small boat that was submerged under the lake. Harry asks how he even knew that was there, and D-Dore explains that all magic leaves traces, and since he knows Riddle's style, he knows what traces to look for. Big Al also assures Harry that the boat must be safe for use, as Voldemort himself would need it should he ever need to visit the Horcrux himself, or retrieve it to take it to some other location.
Along the way across the lake, Harry spots dead bodies in the water, and he realizes that it was one of them that jumped up out of the water earlier. That's right, folks, it's the zombies we were promised as far back as Chapter 3. I guess actually using them in some sort of wicked slick undead army wasn't cool enough for Voldemort, so instead he dumped them all in this lake to lay dormant until someone messes with his soul. Real swell. Well, at least we've GOT zombies. And since these zombies live in water, that means Aquaman can tell them what to do. Dumbledore is confident that they won't be any trouble until after they've taken the Horcrux, but in the meantime he advises that he and Harry defend themselves with fire. Or call Aquaman. Just sayin'.
Finally, they get to the island at the center of the lake, which is mostly just a big stone with a basin on it, filled with a green liquid that was the source of that glow Harry saw earlier. Certain that the Horcrux is submerged within this liquid, Dumbledore attempts to reach into it, but he's blocked by a force field, or whatever force fields are called in Magic Land. D-Dore makes several attempts to penetrate or otherwise affect the liquid, but none of them work. At last, he deduces that the only answer is to drink the liquid, as it appears to be magically protected against any other means of disposal. To prove his point, D-Dore creates a goblet with his wand and uses it to scoop the liquid out of the basin. I'm wondering how the liquid knows this means he'll be drinking it, as opposed to just dumping it on the ground. Ah, well.
Harry, naturally, expresses concerns that the liquid might be fatal if consumed, and D-Dore explains that most likely, it will only incapacitate him for a time, rather than kill him outright. By his logic, Voldemort believes he's the only one who knows about his Horcruxes. As such, his traps here are designed not just to stop an intruder, but to keep him in one piece so that Voldemort can question him later, and find out just how that intruder knew about the Horcrux and found it in the first place. So if you were thinking this has been almost too easy so far, you'd be right.
On the other hand, I don't find Dumbledore's reasoning so airtight. Granted, the only reason they're even here is because of his lengthy investigation into Voldemort's origins. He only knows about this cave from talking to the lady at Voldemort's orphanage. He only knows what items to look for because he viewed the memories of bystanders who witnessed Voldemort's interest in them. What concerns me, however, is that he only became convinced that Voldemort was using Horcruxes thanks to Slughorn's memory. Well, Slughorn's memory only revealed how Voldemort learned of Horcruxes. Granted, it's a very exclusive piece of information, as Slughorn not only altered his memory, but has been in hiding for several years. In that regard, Voldemort would have little to worry about, since most people don't even know what a Horcrux is, and thus wouldn't even suspect that he'd be involved with them. And the one person who did know, Slughorn, is too ashamed of having told Voldemort to reveal it to anyone else.
All well and good, except Dumbledore does know what Horcruxes are for, and how they're used. Did he really need Slughorn's memory to put the pieces together? Why not just work under the assumption that Voldemort figured Horcruxes out, and go straight to the part where you track them down? Indeed, Dumbledore has already done this, as he de-souled that ring before the book started. The point I'm making here is that it's foolhardy to assume that Voldemort believes no one else knows about this stuff. The fact that Dumbledore figured it out in itself means that someone else might have done the same, and unless Voldemort's too arrogant or too stupid to realize it, he'd have to imagine that anyone who knows about Horcruxes would realize they'd be the perfect tool for a man who's publicly declared his desire to live forever, and kill anyone who stands in his way.
Further, I think this exposes the irresponsibility of this Wizarding World, with regards to how banned magic is controlled. The impression I get is that since Horcruxes are a forbidden subject at Hogwarts, it's assumed that no one will ever learn about them, and thus no one will ever attempt to create one. This is like saying that if chemistry teachers are forbidden from discussing the method for preparing methamphetamine, then no one will ever abuse crystal meth. As Slughorn's memory demonstrated, there's plenty of opportunities for this forbidden information to slip through the cracks. In this case, Slughorn was more worried about the ban than he was about the information itself. That's why he asked Riddle to keep their conversation a secret, rather than refuse to say anything at all. Meanwhile, the people who might actually be able to stop Voldemort (i.e. Harry, the Aurors, etc.) have never heard of Horcruxes, because unlike Voldemort they actually obey the rules most of the time. If knowing about Horcruxes is illegal, then only people who break the law will know about them.
It's the same problem I have with five-year-olds knowing how to make Unbreakable Vows, or this arbitrary rule about under aged wizards being forbidden from using magic. It's all well and good to make a bunch of rules, but if you can't enforce them, then what's the use? Snape is amazed when Harry guts Malfoy like a fish, wondering who taught him how to do that. Hey, stupid, it was you, and all you had to do was write a twelve-letter word in a book and forget to clean out your old classroom. Strangely, Apparition seems to be the most carefully controlled magic in this world, which strikes me as bizarre, since it seems to be much harder to learn than all the Dark magic about spontaneous bleeding and soul-cleaving and flat-out murder. And yet Harry has to peel vegetables by hand. Is the irony here deliberate on Rowling's part, some sort of commentary on the misplaced priorities of the government? Or did she simply lose track of how all this stuff was supposed to work?
Anyway, I'm just saying it's foolish for Dumbledore to make any assumptions about this lemon-lime Kool-Aid he's about to drink, since most of his conclusions are founded on yet another layer of assumption to begin with. For all he knows, this crap he's about to drink could turn him into the black guy from Hootie and the Blowfish and force him to sing a parody of "Big Rock Candy Mountain". And he'd never see it coming, because he never got around to talking to Voldemort's third girlfriend in high school, who knew all about his obsession with Burger King commercials. Incidentally, that last Horcrux is actually one of those extra-rare Chibi Darth Vader figurines they were giving away for the release of "Revenge of the Sith".
In point of fact, Dumbledore is actually right about the liquid, as it appears to cause him tremendous pain, both physical and psychological, but it doesn't kill him. Anticipating this, he makes Harry promise that whatever happens, he makes sure that Dumbledore keeps on drinking until the basin is empty. Hey, wait a minute, this is the cover to the book, isn't it?
It takes about three swigs of the stuff to get Dumbledore wasted. At that point, Harry has to force-feed him the rest of the liquid. Throughout this, D-Dore rambles on about not wanting to go on, although it's not really clear if he's talking about the agony of drinking, or some delusion he's having that was brought on by the liquid's effects. As I read this, I speculated that the liquid could be some sort of distillation of the pain and suffering the orphans endured at young Riddle's hands, which is what Big Al is reliving now. Whatever Dumbledore sees here, we'll never know.
After eleven doses of the liquid, the basin is finally emptied and D-Dore passes out from the experience, only to regain consciousness shortly afterwards and ask for water. Harry attempts to fill the goblet with water magically, but for some reason this doesn't work. Realizing that Voldemort had arranged it this way, Harry figures out that the only way to get water in this place is to take it from the lake, thus triggering the zombies to attack them. Indeed, no sooner than he gives Big Al a drink do the zombies rise out from the water and advance towards him. Personally, I'm less worried about the zombies than I am about how filthy that lakewater would have to be after having zombies laying in it for all that time. I mean, how desperate can Dumbledore be to wash that taste out of his mouth?
Unless the green liquid was Surge, Coca-Cola's ill-fated attempt to replace Mello Yello and compete with Mountain Dew's new "extreme" marketing strategy. Surge got me through a lot of long nights in college, but it disappeared shortly after I graduated in 1999, almost like it was some hideous beverage created by Satan for the sole purpose of messing with me in school. WCW briefly picked up the drink as a sponsor, perhaps hoping to capitalize on Surge's "extreme" image to revitalize their own failing promotion. So they'd put a bottle of the stuff on the commentators' table so we'd see it whenever the camera went to Tony Shiovane and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. But they'd never drink the stuff. Heenan would sometimes act like he was trying to swipe a bottle for himself, but he never dared open it, much less taste it. They also had some kind of contest with Surge where you'd win a million dollars somehow, but this was abandoned shortly thereafter, with no explanation given. You can find out more about the history of Surge here. Of course, the liquid Dumbledore drank wasn't described as being carbonated, but that would only mean he was downing FLAT Surge, and that's about as low as you can get. Damn you, Voldemort, damn you straight to hell.
Where was I? Right, so zombies are coming to kill Harry Potter. It's a dream come true. Despite the fact that Harry was already told... RECENTLY... that fire is your best defense against zombies, he powers up to Super Dumbass 2 and uses every other spell he knows EXCEPT the one that does fire. Yeah, I know he's scared, but so what? Firemen get scared too, but they don't forget to use their hoses. Remarkably, Harry even whips out Secumsempra again, which proves a couple of points:
1) As I've maintained, he learned nothing from using this spell on Señor Draco in the bathroom, as he's apparently incorporated it into his arsenal now.
2) Harry's a total blithering idiot, as these enemies are ALREADY DEAD, and therefore losing whatever blood they might still have would make little difference to them.
So the zombies are pretty much gonna kill Harry because he's too stupid to fight them and no one thought to bring Aquaman along. Fortunately for Harry, Dumbledore manages to get back on his feet and he saves the dope with fire. He reaches into the basin and retrieves the locket that had been concealed under all the Surge, and they hurry for the boat, surrounded by a protective ring of fire. Unable to penetrate the flames, the zombies return to the icy depths, never to appear again. Sniff. Farewell, noble zombies. I'll never forget you.
Once they return to the other side of the lake, Harry helps the weakened Dumbledore out of the cave, and D-Dore concludes that no single person could have possibly withstood both the liquid AND the zombies, so score one for Voldemort, I guess. For that matter, you'd have to cut yourself again just to get back out of the cave. As luck would have it, Harry's already bleeding from a scrape he sustained during their ordeal, so he uses that to open the door and get them out. Harry assures Big Al that they'll be all right, and that he can Apparate them back home, to which Dumbledore replies that he's not worried at all, because Harry's with him. Well, that makes one of us.
Sigh...
EVERY chapter should have been like this. Well, maybe not EVERY chapter, but certainly MOST of them. I realize that much of the conversations that took place in this book so far were necessary to develop Voldemort's character, and to advance all the other events that would take place, but as this little adventure proves, Dumbledore can talk to Harry in a zombie infested underground lake just as easily as he can in the confines of his own office. It makes me wonder now if I would have enjoyed Harry's private lessons more if Dumbledore had dispensed with the Pensieve and simply taken Harry to the locations in the present day, walking him through the events he wished to discuss.
Take the orphanage for instance. By visiting Dumbledore's memory of the place, events are fixed. Yes, Dumbledore set a wardrobe on fire, but there's no danger or risk to witnessing this. By contrast, if Harry and Big Al had actually GONE to the orphanage, I think things could have been more interesting. If nothing else, the building would have been several decades older, and the spectre of Voldemort would have lent more to the atmosphere than the sight of the boy himself as Dumbledore described him. Plus, you could have had the two heroes evading traps, just like the ones Voldemort set up in this cave. For example, they go to the orphanage, Dumbledore talks about how he set the wardrobe on fire to demonstrate his abilities, and then suddenly the present-day wardrobe ignites and ends up burning the whole building down, because Riddle rigged it to burst into flames if anyone came to the place to dig into his past.
Admittedly, this premise has flaws, especially since you've got the Pensieve ready to go, so there's little reason to take Harry off-campus and expose him to these sorts of risks. This is why I hate the holodeck on Star Trek, because it makes TOO MUCH sense. It's so safe that it defeats any course of action that might involve suspense. And what's the point of having a story if the characters don't need to put themselves in a risky situation?
I'm not just talking about adventure, either. When Harry wants to start up a relationship with Ginny, he doesn't blow eight chapters examining memory records or simulations to see how Ron will react or whether Ginny will reciprocate his affections. Ultimately, he just damns the torpedoes and kisses her. That's how life works, and as Orko teaches us, that's the greatest magic of all. Harry and Dumbledore reviewing old memories is admittedly interesting, but this trip they make to the cave is interesting and exciting, so why wouldn't you want to make more of your novel like this?
That's my main critique so far. This whole book up to now (some 554 pages of exposition) has been setting up this one chapter, as well as the few more that follow. Except it really doesn't NEED a lot of setup. "Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore secretly travel to a treacherous cave where Lord Voldemort has hidden a fragment of his soul." That's a premise I would have been perfectly happy to start out with. This could have been Chapter Four (Chapters 1-3 being dedicated to who these people are and what Voldemort stands to gain from fragmenting his soul in the first place.) and I'd be all "Hey, this book's not so bad."
So yeah, this is definitely the best chapter of the book up to now, hands down. Although at this late stage, I think it's something of a Pyrrhic victory.
RATING: GOOD (and deservedly so)
NEXT: Get your pies for the Great Pie Fight!