Love 22.
No, you didn't miss one. I'm skipping ahead to Chapter 22.
I've been considering this as far back as Chapter 8. This is just a book to me, which is why I have no qualms about writing on the pages, lambasting the author, turning random characters into robots, etc. So why shouldn't I just start reading it out of order? It seemed like a perfectly mischievous thing to do.
And yet, I didn't want it to look like I wasn't giving this narrative a fair shake. And somewhere around Chapters 9-13, I found I really didn't want to skip around too much, because it seemed like things were really starting to get moving, and I didn't want to miss anything, so I stayed the course. Lately, however, things have gotten into a rut, plotwise, so I figured it might keep things interesting to fast forward a little and see what develops. Besides, when I think back on all the things I enjoy, my first impressions of them were formed from watching the episodes out of sequence. So don't think this screwball behavior will reflect negatively on the book. And don't worry, I'll come right back and finish the three chapters I've passed over, but for now, let's just try this and see what happens.
So now, join me, as I take a trip into the mysterious future that lies ahead, well into the end of this week, I would imagine, when I finish Chapter 21 and get started on 23.
Chapter 22: After the Burial
(Original Japanese Title: "Mission Accomplished? Slughorn Inebriated!!")
The first thing you notice about the future is how happy my future self is that I'll be reviewing Chapter 22. Now he can go outside and play. I don't know why he's so surprised, since he surely remembers me doing this, but maybe I get amnesia in the next few days. I'd ask, but I have to get crackin' on this chapter before my time hole closes up, causing my molecular vibrations to return me to the present day. It's all because of Science, you understand.
Apes evolved from men, by the way, so you might want to watch out for that. Ricardo Montalban has something to do with it.
In OUR era (i.e. Tuesday), Galva Ron seemed to keel over and die after taking a swig of some of Professor Slughorn's liquor. Harry managed to stuff an antidote in his mouth, but that just stopped the convulsions. Kid could be dead for all we knew. But HERE, in the future, Galva Ron's condition has been upgraded to "Alive". Also, he and Hermione seem to be on speaking terms again, which probably means that I was right when I guessed that his brush with death made them realize how petty their feud really was. While they don't appear to be making out or anything, Galva Ron does appear to be hiding whenever any girls pass by, for fear that one of them might be Lavender Brown. This is just a wild guess, but I bet he ran over her dog with an SUV, and that's why he's so embarrassed.
Other than this, nothing seems to have changed much. In Chapter 18, Harry was trying (and failing) to uncover Señor Draco's plot, learn the truth behind Slughorn's altered memory, and gain his teleportation license. At the beginning of Chapter 22, he's bummed out because he STILL hasn't accomplished any of those things. I hope you like seeing Airi slap people, because I think we'll be seeing a lot of that when I come back to the present.
Another blankity-blank student courier shows up to give Harry a message from Hagrid. I haven't bothered to mention all the fonts appearing in this novel, but whenever there's been a newspaper headline, or whenever Halfy's notes appear in Harry's book, or when someone reads a sign or a letter, or an inscription, or anything really, the book uses a different zany font every time. Just in case some reader might have wondered why Hagrid and Dumbledore have the same handwriting, the publisher makes sure to include a whole new font for Hagrid, just for this letter. More, the text of his message even includes watermarks, to show where his tears have smudged the ink. I'm impressed with the effect, to be honest, but I think this is going a little too far for a work of prose. Rowling very floridly describes the blotches on the paper as it is. If someone at Scholastic, Inc. is that determined to introduce a compelling visual, they can commission someone to do a Harry Potter comic book and put it in that way.
Why isn't there a Harry Potter comic book anyway? Not saying I'd buy it, but I'm pretty familiar with comics, and I've always found it conspicuous that HP has conquered every other merchandising tie-in there is except for that one. Harry Potter toys, games, movies, edible underwear, you name it, but no comic. It's a sad state of affairs. Back in the 70's, if you were popular enough, international law required you to be officially adapted into comic book form by Marvel. Not anymore, I guess. Stupid Reaganomics.
Anyway, Hagrid's letter informs the nWo that his stupid giant spider finally died. I seem to recall that it was "sick" with something from a previous chapter, but I'm pretty sure it just died from being a stupid giant spider. I think modern medicine would back me up on this. Even though it's against school regulations, and it's probably double secret illegal, Hagrid wants the kiddies to swing by his place tonight for the funeral, because he just can't face it alone. Can't we just pick it up with a giant piece of tissue paper and flush it down the toilet?
The nWo, once nearly torn asunder by hormones and the pressures of school life, are now staunchly united in their multilateral disapproval of this stupid, stupid idea. Galva Ron recalls how the damn spider tried to eat them or whatever, and Hermione points out that if they got caught leaving the school without permission, the faculty would go sickhouse on their asses. And Hermione likes her ass, gentlemen, so she ain't a-goin'. Harry seems a bit more sympathetic to Hagrid's pain, perhaps because it reminds him of his own lifelong grief for his murdered parents. Except... you know... for the whole thing where they weren't hideous monsters with eight eyes and chock full of spider-glop.
Think about it. Aquaman can talk to fish. Surely this would mean Spider-Man can talk to spiders, yet he never does. This is because spiders suck. No one loves them. And it's not because people are shallow either. People love fish, butterflies, robots, vampires, etc. But not spiders. What have they ever done for us? And don't tell me about Charlotte's Web. She was helping a pig in that book. Spiders and pigs have been allies for centuries. Maybe pigs know something we don't, but that doesn't mean humans have to like 'em. Tell you right now, if Wilbur was a baby human, Charlotte would have left him to die. That's just the way spiders are. So Hagrid can just wake up and get with the program.
Anyway, Hermione changes the subject to Mission: Slughorn, and reminds Harry that with most of the class out taking their Apparition tests, Harry might have a golden opportunity to pump the prof for more information. Harry doesn't think he'll be any luckier this time than he was before, which gives Galva Ron a brilliant idea.
"We will find other planets. We will suck them dry! We will rebuild the planet a hundred times more powerful than Cybertron! And I WILL RULE THE GALAXY! Also, use that lucky potion you've been keeping in your dirty socks all year."
Hermione seems suitably impressed with his idea, but Harry was saving Felix Felicis for another plot down the road...
GINNY: (sipping champagne in back of fancy limo) Oh, Harry, ever since you patented a magic spell to double the length of your... wand, I've found myself irresistibly attracted to nearsighted men with distinctive scars on their heads!
HARRY: (wearing a leisure suit, which reveals an astonishing amount of bushy chest hair) Don't worry about it, baby, I know exactly how you feel. I myself have a thing for fine foxy ladies such as yourself. Now how about I get my limo driver to take us back to my place, where we can find out what else we have in common. And I might just give you an autographed copy of my best-selling memoirs. (leans forward to address the chauffeur) Home, Severus.
SNAPE: Sigh. Very good, sir...
Then again, I think it was heavily implied that the fate of the planet hinged on successfully tapping Slughorn's mind, so maybe Harry needs to put that idea on hold for now. He agrees to give it one more try, and break out the luck potion if that fails too.
During the course of this discussion, the nWo notices the Montgomery sisters passing by, and Hermione informs us that their baby brother was fatally wounded in a werewolf attack. Which redoubles Harry's resolve to get that memory, even if it means giving up a gorgeous mane of chest hair to do it.
Indeed, Harry does give it another try, making up the Half-Blood Prince's special recipe for "An Elixir to Induce Euphoria," for Slughorn in class. Here in the Muggle World, we know this elixir as "crack". Slughorn declines to sample it, though, and he quickly leaves the room after class is over, leaving Harry back at square one.
For those of you just dying for more Apparition class action, Hermione passed her exam, while Galva Ron managed to teleport himself save for part of one of his eyebrows, resulting in Jimmy Olsen-scale failure.
Back to business, Harry decides it's time to use Felix Felicis. The nWo sneaks back up to the dorm, and Harry takes a small dose of the golden crud, figuring he'll only need a few hours' worth of luck to get the job done. And yet, as soon as he takes the stuff, Harry finds himself compelled to attend Hagrid's memorial service instead. He offers no explanation, besides cryptically stating that it just feels like the place to be. The Outsiders express skepticism, but Harry reassures them that Felix knows what it's doing, as though the magic itself were somehow intelligent. That seems to be the best description for its effects here.
On their way downstairs, they run into Lavender, who freaks out that Ron is with Hermione. Wow, there's a switch, huh? Then Harry (now invisibulble) bumps into Ginny and Dean on the way out, which makes Ginny think Dean pushed her. She expresses her displeasure, and this works out pretty good for Harry. Rather than go straight to Hagrid's, Harry takes the long way and finds Slughorn chillin' outdoors with Professor Sprout in the vegetable patch. Suddenly compelled to reveal himself, Harry does so, and explains that he's sneaking out of the castle to go bury a stupid giant spider. As luck would have it, Slughorn just so happens to be interested in harvesting some stupid giant spider venom. It's pretty damn valuable, you see, in part because most people who deal in the commodity tend to get eaten by stupid giant spiders. The idea of milking the fangs of a freshly deceased specimen without being eaten is rather appealing to the big man, so he accepts Harry's invitation to come along and help support Hagrid in his hour of despair.
"Yes, of course. I tell you what Harry, I'll meet you down there with a bottle or two.... We'll drink the poor beast's--well--not health--but we'll send it off in style anyway, once it's buried." Emphasis mine. I'm pretty sure there needed to be a preposition in that sentence. I wonder who proofreads these things.
Over at Hagrid's pad, Harry briefly apologizes for the Outsiders' absence, and asks if they'll be burying the stupid giant spider corpse in the forest, which is apparently its natural habitat. Boy, it's gotta suck for any real animals that have to live in there with them. Hagrid rejects this idea, since they'd never survive a trip into the forest, since it's chock full of those stupid giant spiders that eat people and all. This whole thing is six kinds of dumb. I'm starting to wish the spider had lived and Hagrid died. At least it would have been simpler that way. No vague disease to explain it away, Hagrid dies from symptoms commonly associated with being eaten by a stupid giant spider. No note for Harry Potter, because the spider just eats the girl who's supposed to deliver it to him, and no funeral, because the spider just eats Hagrid and moves on with its pathetic life. Indeed, the other stupid giant spiders would have gladly eaten their fallen comrade, but Hagrid wanted to give him a proper burial, because this book just wasn't ri-freaking-diculous enough already, we had to have a funeral for a giant spider. Stupid.
So Hagrid dumps the corpse into the grave (after Slughorn surreptitiously examines it, natch), and then Slughorn delivers a touching eulogy to the stupid giant spider. I'd consider repeating it here, but he uses the spider's actual name, and I refuse to dignify this thing by using it. Back in Hagrid's home, Slughorn breaks out the mead for the three of them, remarking that he made sure to have it tested for poisons this time. So I guess it WAS the mead that nearly killed Galva Ron back in Chapter 18. He mentions using house-elves as food tasters, which makes Harry think of how horrified Hermione would be to learn this, which makes me think that I might pity house-elves even less than I pity stupid giant spiders. They drink a toast to the blasted thing, but Harry, guided by Felix, merely pretends to drink. The other two, however, continue drinking as they talk about all sorts of stuff. Unicorn hair, Odo from Star Trek (no, really.), to the untimely death of Harry's parents. Finally, Hagrid passes out, leaving Harry to start sweet-talking a drunken Slughorn.
And now we finally see just how the luck potion did it's job. Harry might have pulled this off by going to Slughorn's office and talking to him sober, but far better to get him toasted, where his judgment is fuzzier. This calls for an occasion to get drunk, and Hagrid's funeral service seems to fit the bill, except how would you get Slughorn to want to go? Ah, but it just so happens that Slughorn would have an interest in a fresh spider corpse, and so it all boils down to walking up to the man and telling him where you're going. It's rather intriguing how the potion makes all this come together. Really, it's not so much that Felix makes Harry lucky so much as it makes him like a more clever character. This is exactly the kind of stuff Colonel Hogan would do to the Germans all the time. The only difference was that he would have already known about Slughorn's desire for spider venom long before pulling the caper. Hell, Hogan would have arranged the spider's death just to make sure the funeral took place on schedule. "All right, Newkirk, get me fake papers for when I go out the tunnel tonight. Carter, LeBeau, go plant the explosives in the spider feed. Kinch, you sit by the radio and look friggin' awesome with your mustache while you do your Colonel Klink impression." So basically Felix Felicis is like Liquefied Hogan's Heroes, only it substitutes luck for planning.
Now, as Slughorn has mentioned many times since his first appearance, he was quite fond of Harry's mom back in the day. He asks Harry about his parents' death, and Harry points out that while he was too young to remember it, he's more or less pieced it together by now, and he recounts how Voldemort had killed his father and told his mom that she didn't have to die, that he was only wanted the boy. She could have run and saved herself, but instead she stood her ground and pleaded for mercy." Wow, maybe someone should write a book about that. This gets Slughorn all emotional, since he was so fond of Harry's mom, and her death was so senseless and tragic. So Harry lays it on even thicker: "But you won't help her son. She gave me her life, but you won't give me a memory." Slughorn weakly protests that he'd gladly do it if he thought it would do any good, and Harry insists that it will. Intuiting from Felix that Slughorn would remember none of this after he dries out, Harry even declares himself The Chosen One Booger Red, which seems to make Slughorn even more nervous. Harry asks him to be brave like his mother, and finally Slughorn relents, and yanks some silver threat out of his brain via his wand. He bottles it, gives it to Harry, and hopes aloud that he won't think less of him after he sees it. Then he passes out.
What's sad about this part right here is that this was perhaps the best character interaction I've seen in the book thus far, and it's due entirely to the behavior-altering chemicals both of them imbibed leading up to this moment. It'd kind of be nice if Harry could pull of this sort of intensity and focus without a magic plot device directing his every action. I'd give him credit for drinking Felix, but that wasn't even his idea. I can sort of forgive Slughorn opening up under the influence of alcohol, because that's a common staple in all genres of fiction, but in a way, I think Felix Felicis kind of underscores what a literary contrivance liquor can be. Even teetotalers have feelings, the kinds of feelings that bubble to the surface whether beverages are involved or not. Maybe this was Rowling's point in all of this, but I kind of doubt she'd be that metatextual, or whatever the word would be for this. Some ten-dollar word you learn in college.
Nonetheless, I'm impressed with how things got done in this chapter. I wish I had a more compelling character that didn't come in a bottle, but I take what I can get. Moreover, the illustration for Chapter 23 shows Harry and Dumbledore admiring their newly won prize, so it looks like there won't be any more fooling around now that they got what they were after. The way things had been going back in Chapter 18, I would have expected six more chapters of Harry waiting to tell Dumbledore he got the memory, featuring more Apparition classes and more fruitless Draco-watching. So I guess I can return to the present, confident that the future looks reasonably hunky-dory.
RATING: GOOD
NEXT: Will Ron survive!? Oh, wait. Yeah, I guess he does.
Unless he gets replaced by a CLONE! The answer may surprise you! Yeah, that's the ticket.
I've been considering this as far back as Chapter 8. This is just a book to me, which is why I have no qualms about writing on the pages, lambasting the author, turning random characters into robots, etc. So why shouldn't I just start reading it out of order? It seemed like a perfectly mischievous thing to do.
And yet, I didn't want it to look like I wasn't giving this narrative a fair shake. And somewhere around Chapters 9-13, I found I really didn't want to skip around too much, because it seemed like things were really starting to get moving, and I didn't want to miss anything, so I stayed the course. Lately, however, things have gotten into a rut, plotwise, so I figured it might keep things interesting to fast forward a little and see what develops. Besides, when I think back on all the things I enjoy, my first impressions of them were formed from watching the episodes out of sequence. So don't think this screwball behavior will reflect negatively on the book. And don't worry, I'll come right back and finish the three chapters I've passed over, but for now, let's just try this and see what happens.
So now, join me, as I take a trip into the mysterious future that lies ahead, well into the end of this week, I would imagine, when I finish Chapter 21 and get started on 23.
Chapter 22: After the Burial
(Original Japanese Title: "Mission Accomplished? Slughorn Inebriated!!")
The first thing you notice about the future is how happy my future self is that I'll be reviewing Chapter 22. Now he can go outside and play. I don't know why he's so surprised, since he surely remembers me doing this, but maybe I get amnesia in the next few days. I'd ask, but I have to get crackin' on this chapter before my time hole closes up, causing my molecular vibrations to return me to the present day. It's all because of Science, you understand.
Apes evolved from men, by the way, so you might want to watch out for that. Ricardo Montalban has something to do with it.
In OUR era (i.e. Tuesday), Galva Ron seemed to keel over and die after taking a swig of some of Professor Slughorn's liquor. Harry managed to stuff an antidote in his mouth, but that just stopped the convulsions. Kid could be dead for all we knew. But HERE, in the future, Galva Ron's condition has been upgraded to "Alive". Also, he and Hermione seem to be on speaking terms again, which probably means that I was right when I guessed that his brush with death made them realize how petty their feud really was. While they don't appear to be making out or anything, Galva Ron does appear to be hiding whenever any girls pass by, for fear that one of them might be Lavender Brown. This is just a wild guess, but I bet he ran over her dog with an SUV, and that's why he's so embarrassed.
Other than this, nothing seems to have changed much. In Chapter 18, Harry was trying (and failing) to uncover Señor Draco's plot, learn the truth behind Slughorn's altered memory, and gain his teleportation license. At the beginning of Chapter 22, he's bummed out because he STILL hasn't accomplished any of those things. I hope you like seeing Airi slap people, because I think we'll be seeing a lot of that when I come back to the present.
Another blankity-blank student courier shows up to give Harry a message from Hagrid. I haven't bothered to mention all the fonts appearing in this novel, but whenever there's been a newspaper headline, or whenever Halfy's notes appear in Harry's book, or when someone reads a sign or a letter, or an inscription, or anything really, the book uses a different zany font every time. Just in case some reader might have wondered why Hagrid and Dumbledore have the same handwriting, the publisher makes sure to include a whole new font for Hagrid, just for this letter. More, the text of his message even includes watermarks, to show where his tears have smudged the ink. I'm impressed with the effect, to be honest, but I think this is going a little too far for a work of prose. Rowling very floridly describes the blotches on the paper as it is. If someone at Scholastic, Inc. is that determined to introduce a compelling visual, they can commission someone to do a Harry Potter comic book and put it in that way.
Why isn't there a Harry Potter comic book anyway? Not saying I'd buy it, but I'm pretty familiar with comics, and I've always found it conspicuous that HP has conquered every other merchandising tie-in there is except for that one. Harry Potter toys, games, movies, edible underwear, you name it, but no comic. It's a sad state of affairs. Back in the 70's, if you were popular enough, international law required you to be officially adapted into comic book form by Marvel. Not anymore, I guess. Stupid Reaganomics.
Anyway, Hagrid's letter informs the nWo that his stupid giant spider finally died. I seem to recall that it was "sick" with something from a previous chapter, but I'm pretty sure it just died from being a stupid giant spider. I think modern medicine would back me up on this. Even though it's against school regulations, and it's probably double secret illegal, Hagrid wants the kiddies to swing by his place tonight for the funeral, because he just can't face it alone. Can't we just pick it up with a giant piece of tissue paper and flush it down the toilet?
The nWo, once nearly torn asunder by hormones and the pressures of school life, are now staunchly united in their multilateral disapproval of this stupid, stupid idea. Galva Ron recalls how the damn spider tried to eat them or whatever, and Hermione points out that if they got caught leaving the school without permission, the faculty would go sickhouse on their asses. And Hermione likes her ass, gentlemen, so she ain't a-goin'. Harry seems a bit more sympathetic to Hagrid's pain, perhaps because it reminds him of his own lifelong grief for his murdered parents. Except... you know... for the whole thing where they weren't hideous monsters with eight eyes and chock full of spider-glop.
Think about it. Aquaman can talk to fish. Surely this would mean Spider-Man can talk to spiders, yet he never does. This is because spiders suck. No one loves them. And it's not because people are shallow either. People love fish, butterflies, robots, vampires, etc. But not spiders. What have they ever done for us? And don't tell me about Charlotte's Web. She was helping a pig in that book. Spiders and pigs have been allies for centuries. Maybe pigs know something we don't, but that doesn't mean humans have to like 'em. Tell you right now, if Wilbur was a baby human, Charlotte would have left him to die. That's just the way spiders are. So Hagrid can just wake up and get with the program.
Anyway, Hermione changes the subject to Mission: Slughorn, and reminds Harry that with most of the class out taking their Apparition tests, Harry might have a golden opportunity to pump the prof for more information. Harry doesn't think he'll be any luckier this time than he was before, which gives Galva Ron a brilliant idea.
"We will find other planets. We will suck them dry! We will rebuild the planet a hundred times more powerful than Cybertron! And I WILL RULE THE GALAXY! Also, use that lucky potion you've been keeping in your dirty socks all year."
Hermione seems suitably impressed with his idea, but Harry was saving Felix Felicis for another plot down the road...
GINNY: (sipping champagne in back of fancy limo) Oh, Harry, ever since you patented a magic spell to double the length of your... wand, I've found myself irresistibly attracted to nearsighted men with distinctive scars on their heads!
HARRY: (wearing a leisure suit, which reveals an astonishing amount of bushy chest hair) Don't worry about it, baby, I know exactly how you feel. I myself have a thing for fine foxy ladies such as yourself. Now how about I get my limo driver to take us back to my place, where we can find out what else we have in common. And I might just give you an autographed copy of my best-selling memoirs. (leans forward to address the chauffeur) Home, Severus.
SNAPE: Sigh. Very good, sir...
Then again, I think it was heavily implied that the fate of the planet hinged on successfully tapping Slughorn's mind, so maybe Harry needs to put that idea on hold for now. He agrees to give it one more try, and break out the luck potion if that fails too.
During the course of this discussion, the nWo notices the Montgomery sisters passing by, and Hermione informs us that their baby brother was fatally wounded in a werewolf attack. Which redoubles Harry's resolve to get that memory, even if it means giving up a gorgeous mane of chest hair to do it.
Indeed, Harry does give it another try, making up the Half-Blood Prince's special recipe for "An Elixir to Induce Euphoria," for Slughorn in class. Here in the Muggle World, we know this elixir as "crack". Slughorn declines to sample it, though, and he quickly leaves the room after class is over, leaving Harry back at square one.
For those of you just dying for more Apparition class action, Hermione passed her exam, while Galva Ron managed to teleport himself save for part of one of his eyebrows, resulting in Jimmy Olsen-scale failure.
Back to business, Harry decides it's time to use Felix Felicis. The nWo sneaks back up to the dorm, and Harry takes a small dose of the golden crud, figuring he'll only need a few hours' worth of luck to get the job done. And yet, as soon as he takes the stuff, Harry finds himself compelled to attend Hagrid's memorial service instead. He offers no explanation, besides cryptically stating that it just feels like the place to be. The Outsiders express skepticism, but Harry reassures them that Felix knows what it's doing, as though the magic itself were somehow intelligent. That seems to be the best description for its effects here.
On their way downstairs, they run into Lavender, who freaks out that Ron is with Hermione. Wow, there's a switch, huh? Then Harry (now invisibulble) bumps into Ginny and Dean on the way out, which makes Ginny think Dean pushed her. She expresses her displeasure, and this works out pretty good for Harry. Rather than go straight to Hagrid's, Harry takes the long way and finds Slughorn chillin' outdoors with Professor Sprout in the vegetable patch. Suddenly compelled to reveal himself, Harry does so, and explains that he's sneaking out of the castle to go bury a stupid giant spider. As luck would have it, Slughorn just so happens to be interested in harvesting some stupid giant spider venom. It's pretty damn valuable, you see, in part because most people who deal in the commodity tend to get eaten by stupid giant spiders. The idea of milking the fangs of a freshly deceased specimen without being eaten is rather appealing to the big man, so he accepts Harry's invitation to come along and help support Hagrid in his hour of despair.
"Yes, of course. I tell you what Harry, I'll meet you down there with a bottle or two.... We'll drink the poor beast's--well--not health--but we'll send it off in style anyway, once it's buried." Emphasis mine. I'm pretty sure there needed to be a preposition in that sentence. I wonder who proofreads these things.
Over at Hagrid's pad, Harry briefly apologizes for the Outsiders' absence, and asks if they'll be burying the stupid giant spider corpse in the forest, which is apparently its natural habitat. Boy, it's gotta suck for any real animals that have to live in there with them. Hagrid rejects this idea, since they'd never survive a trip into the forest, since it's chock full of those stupid giant spiders that eat people and all. This whole thing is six kinds of dumb. I'm starting to wish the spider had lived and Hagrid died. At least it would have been simpler that way. No vague disease to explain it away, Hagrid dies from symptoms commonly associated with being eaten by a stupid giant spider. No note for Harry Potter, because the spider just eats the girl who's supposed to deliver it to him, and no funeral, because the spider just eats Hagrid and moves on with its pathetic life. Indeed, the other stupid giant spiders would have gladly eaten their fallen comrade, but Hagrid wanted to give him a proper burial, because this book just wasn't ri-freaking-diculous enough already, we had to have a funeral for a giant spider. Stupid.
So Hagrid dumps the corpse into the grave (after Slughorn surreptitiously examines it, natch), and then Slughorn delivers a touching eulogy to the stupid giant spider. I'd consider repeating it here, but he uses the spider's actual name, and I refuse to dignify this thing by using it. Back in Hagrid's home, Slughorn breaks out the mead for the three of them, remarking that he made sure to have it tested for poisons this time. So I guess it WAS the mead that nearly killed Galva Ron back in Chapter 18. He mentions using house-elves as food tasters, which makes Harry think of how horrified Hermione would be to learn this, which makes me think that I might pity house-elves even less than I pity stupid giant spiders. They drink a toast to the blasted thing, but Harry, guided by Felix, merely pretends to drink. The other two, however, continue drinking as they talk about all sorts of stuff. Unicorn hair, Odo from Star Trek (no, really.), to the untimely death of Harry's parents. Finally, Hagrid passes out, leaving Harry to start sweet-talking a drunken Slughorn.
And now we finally see just how the luck potion did it's job. Harry might have pulled this off by going to Slughorn's office and talking to him sober, but far better to get him toasted, where his judgment is fuzzier. This calls for an occasion to get drunk, and Hagrid's funeral service seems to fit the bill, except how would you get Slughorn to want to go? Ah, but it just so happens that Slughorn would have an interest in a fresh spider corpse, and so it all boils down to walking up to the man and telling him where you're going. It's rather intriguing how the potion makes all this come together. Really, it's not so much that Felix makes Harry lucky so much as it makes him like a more clever character. This is exactly the kind of stuff Colonel Hogan would do to the Germans all the time. The only difference was that he would have already known about Slughorn's desire for spider venom long before pulling the caper. Hell, Hogan would have arranged the spider's death just to make sure the funeral took place on schedule. "All right, Newkirk, get me fake papers for when I go out the tunnel tonight. Carter, LeBeau, go plant the explosives in the spider feed. Kinch, you sit by the radio and look friggin' awesome with your mustache while you do your Colonel Klink impression." So basically Felix Felicis is like Liquefied Hogan's Heroes, only it substitutes luck for planning.
Now, as Slughorn has mentioned many times since his first appearance, he was quite fond of Harry's mom back in the day. He asks Harry about his parents' death, and Harry points out that while he was too young to remember it, he's more or less pieced it together by now, and he recounts how Voldemort had killed his father and told his mom that she didn't have to die, that he was only wanted the boy. She could have run and saved herself, but instead she stood her ground and pleaded for mercy." Wow, maybe someone should write a book about that. This gets Slughorn all emotional, since he was so fond of Harry's mom, and her death was so senseless and tragic. So Harry lays it on even thicker: "But you won't help her son. She gave me her life, but you won't give me a memory." Slughorn weakly protests that he'd gladly do it if he thought it would do any good, and Harry insists that it will. Intuiting from Felix that Slughorn would remember none of this after he dries out, Harry even declares himself The Chosen One Booger Red, which seems to make Slughorn even more nervous. Harry asks him to be brave like his mother, and finally Slughorn relents, and yanks some silver threat out of his brain via his wand. He bottles it, gives it to Harry, and hopes aloud that he won't think less of him after he sees it. Then he passes out.
What's sad about this part right here is that this was perhaps the best character interaction I've seen in the book thus far, and it's due entirely to the behavior-altering chemicals both of them imbibed leading up to this moment. It'd kind of be nice if Harry could pull of this sort of intensity and focus without a magic plot device directing his every action. I'd give him credit for drinking Felix, but that wasn't even his idea. I can sort of forgive Slughorn opening up under the influence of alcohol, because that's a common staple in all genres of fiction, but in a way, I think Felix Felicis kind of underscores what a literary contrivance liquor can be. Even teetotalers have feelings, the kinds of feelings that bubble to the surface whether beverages are involved or not. Maybe this was Rowling's point in all of this, but I kind of doubt she'd be that metatextual, or whatever the word would be for this. Some ten-dollar word you learn in college.
Nonetheless, I'm impressed with how things got done in this chapter. I wish I had a more compelling character that didn't come in a bottle, but I take what I can get. Moreover, the illustration for Chapter 23 shows Harry and Dumbledore admiring their newly won prize, so it looks like there won't be any more fooling around now that they got what they were after. The way things had been going back in Chapter 18, I would have expected six more chapters of Harry waiting to tell Dumbledore he got the memory, featuring more Apparition classes and more fruitless Draco-watching. So I guess I can return to the present, confident that the future looks reasonably hunky-dory.
RATING: GOOD
NEXT: Will Ron survive!? Oh, wait. Yeah, I guess he does.
Unless he gets replaced by a CLONE! The answer may surprise you! Yeah, that's the ticket.